Rent

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yes, you and your girlfriend need to have a very honest talk about this, and about your future as well. If it is not going to work out it might be better for both of you to look for other dwellings, rather than try to move in together officially.

[doyathink]

Bitterbear, Is this how it works;

 

I pay for half the rent.

I pay all the utilities.

I pay for all of the groceries

I pay for all of the supplies.

I dont get to have a key.

I dont get to have 'my space'.

I dont get to be on the lease.

 

Your gf;

pays half of the rent...and thats it!

refuses to give you a key.

refuses to help pitch in with money so that you can have a little left over every month to spend on yourself.

refuses to give you any space in the apartment for your belongings.

refuses to put you on the lease.

 

 

If so, I would personaly ask for equality and fairness.

[bitterbear18]

we haven't talked since friday.

i've stated to her what i want out of this arrangement and out of the relationship very clearly that day.

i just wanted some opinions from you guys to shed some light on the issue to make sure i wasn't being unreasonable.

the way i see it, unless we go to counselling (unlikely for a ten month relationship) we won't be working it out and getting back together.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well it really does sound like you two are incompatible, to be honest, and most likely it will be for the best if you both cut your losses, before things get really out of hand.

[bitterbear18]

that sounds about right doyathink...

not to offend... but i'm getting this negative vibe from teddy, like i'm being judged here for my situation

[caro33]

we haven't talked since friday.

i've stated to her what i want out of this arrangement and out of the relationship very clearly that day.

i just wanted some opinions from you guys to shed some light on the issue to make sure i wasn't being unreasonable.

the way i see it, unless we go to counselling (unlikely for a ten month relationship) we won't be working it out and getting back together.

 

Well you've done what you can, and it must be a hard time for you. For what it's worth, it sounds like you are not being unreasonable. I personally would never have those expectations of a guy. But what's reasonable is so much up to interpretation, that perhaps she is also reasonable in her own way. I know that sounds wussy, but if everyone she knows and respects buys into the whole 'man pays for everything' way of being, that's just the way it is.

 

There are heaps of women out there who will have values much more like your own.

 

On the counselling issue, I do think that if the relationship is workable and you are committed, 10 months is not too short to get counselling. I guess the matter is if you want to, and if you believe it will improve things at all. Who knows. However, not speaking since Friday doesn't look good. One of you should have softened by now to open the communication gates, and if neither of you has done so it seems unlikely this is worth fighting for at this stage.

[doyathink]

Heres another vote that you aren't being unreasonable. You have put a lot of effort into this and now it's her turn to make some adjustments.

 

Relationships are a two way street and a partnership, when one person is slacking, the relationship heads south.

 

You've done what you can, if she isn't willing to meet half way then perhaps it's best to kick some rocks.

 

Hope it all works out for you.....good luck.

[Ellie2006]

Relationships are a two way street and a partnership, when one person is slacking, the relationship heads south.

 

You've done what you can, if she isn't willing to meet half way then perhaps it's best to kick some rocks.

 

Hope it all works out for you.....good luck.

 

I agree with DYT ...

What it ultimately boils down to is this: are you guys willing to compromise?

 

I too hope things work out for you and your gf and that you two can come up with a solution to this issue that you *both* can be happy with ...

 

E

[Caterina]

If you don't live with her, don't pay the rent there. Also, if you want to live with her you should find a place that both of you think of as a mutual home. If she considers it only her home but you are paying half the rent, that isn't fair.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think that just because you make more money, you shouldn't be expected to have to pay to improve your *girlfriend's* standard of living, and it over the top for her to expect this. you key point is she is your girlfriend and you have not married her and made a full commitment to be her financial partner, but offered to help her out. if i flipped the situation around, i would be very upset if i had a boyfriend who by default expected me to pay for him to have a nicer place than he could afford just because i am his girlfriend, when i hadn't even decided to make a full commitment and marry him yet.

 

so she is treating you as if you are already her husband, and have some sort of financial responsibility to share all your money with her that usually only comes with marriage.

 

having said that, i think this also means that you two really did not have an adequate talk before you told her you would help pay... i.e., what did you expect from her when you made this agreement, and what did she expect from you? keys? no keys? etc. if you did have this talk and told her then you expected to have access to the apt. then she is just using you for the money. makes no sense to me to expect someone to pay, while she gets total freedom, but in her head, maybe this was her expectation. i can't imagine taking money from a boyfriend to pay for a place that he wasn't fully welcome, including a key, but some people are self centered and want what they want, and someone else to pay for it. if she doesn't love/trust/commit to you enough for you to have shared access, then you certainly shouldn't be expected to pay the rent.

 

but if she signed a lease on this assumption, then it is a bit of a moral dilemma, because she made a big decision based on what you had told her, and it could wreck her credit if you pull out financially so far from the time that the lease expires. so she has a little bit of a right to be angry if you don't at least pay half the rent because you have reneged on a promise. maybe you had a misunderstanding about what that promise meant (obviously you did), but you both need to work to get out of this situation in a way that doesn't ruin her credit, but doesn't leave you feeling used.

 

but then you two are not married, and relationships break up all the time even with the best expectations, so she was not very smart signing a lease she couldn't afford when she wasn't even married to you with legal rights to splitting debt in the event of a divorce.

 

so if you DO really want to stay with her, i suggest you have a serious talk about it not being your responsibility to up her own standard of living just because she is your girlfriend and you make more money... most women do NOT expect that before marriage, though they would appreciate the help if you did offer. she is not your wife, nor are you living with her now, so she is expecting a lot there from you, more than most people would. if this really bothers you and she won't budge about the key, you could try to negotiate with the landlord to shorten the lease, and help her get an apartment she can afford on her own until you are ready to get more serious and marry her or get engaged etc.

 

but i think if both of you can't compromise on this, i have little hope for a long term relationship between you... i would also be very careful about marrying her unless you totally want to support her financially, because she may really get worse once you are married, i.e., expect you to support her financially, but owe you nothing in return... not a good way to start a marriage, and could be a strong indicator that she is a user, not a partner.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

that sounds about right doyathink...

not to offend... but i'm getting this negative vibe from teddy, like i'm being judged here for my situation

 

You can believe that if you want to, Bitter, but it's not true. I am just open to the fact that there are two sides to every story, and I can't get past the feeling that you're not really telling us the whole story. I have said as much already, and it sounds like you only want to speak with those who will validate your story at face value. I wish you and your girlfriend both luck in each of your respective futures, and I'm moving on from this thread.

[cypress]

After reading this craziness I wanted to drop a note of thought. First, yeah, obviously it is rediculous to pay for a place you are not living. However, it sounds like you were spending an enormous amount of time there (4 months?) and not paying anything. You live with your parents?

 

I've lived on my own for a long time. I wouldn't date a man living with his parents unless he was taking care of them or there temp. due to some horrid situation. I recommend that you get your own place and begin your relationships on a level of equality. You should begin your relationships independently and not be moving in with the person just to get away from your parents.

 

If I had a man practically living in my house I would probably ask for him to contribute, just to get him to understand how much it costs. If you had your own place then it would be different. If you did not live there and were paying her rent, that is more like a sugar daddy and in that case my mortgage is about $900 a month.

 

Get your own place and begin dating as an adult. It is a lot better.

 

paz

[bitterbear18]

Good point Cypress - albeit the getting away from parents (not true)!

 

I appreciate all the points of view, but my specific aim of coming here to air out my situation was to ask about this rental situation only. I'm listening to everyone out here and respecting it, not seeking out a sycophantic point of view.

 

When she moved into this new place I admit I should have clarified the arrangement with her. When I made it clear to her how I felt and she didn't agree to the place being shared, I felt obligated from an emotional point of view as I had promised. However from a rational point of view I'm not contractually obligated. So therein lied the dilemma.

 

When we had the argument last week I still went ahead and paid up for November. I'll be looking for a place to live if this doesn't get sorted out (my gut feeling is that it most likely won't between me and her).

 

This isn't just about financial arrangements, it's about communication. I think that is the important thing I've learned out of this, being transparent and honest with someone is hard, with yourself is a lot harder. I spent those four months knowing I felt uncomfortable with it and yet still didn't do anything about it until now.

 

I'm just glad that I didn't see out the current arrangement until August and that I raised the issue now.

[doyathink]

I've tried to read every post on this thread so that I dont miss what you are trying to get accross.

 

I think I understood you to say that you moved in with her shortly after she herself had already gotten the place.

The two of you are not getting along well at this point so you moved back with your parents house just a few days a go because of these problems.

 

Right?

[bitterbear18]

moving in - not shortly after, we moved in this new place together

 

parent's house - yes, you are correct, i moved back last week because of these problems

[charley]

I only read the first page of posts. So I'm basing the below on that.

 

It is legally and morally her place because it's her name and credit on the line. She signed for everything. It's her credit that goes crappo if the rent or bills don't get paid. Credit damage can plague a person for 7 years. It's her credit on the line, not yours.

 

Also, you lived there for how many months without even paying anything?

 

She's not only putting in half the money, but she is fully responsible with regard to legality and credit. Yes, the place is her place, unless you can pass a credit check and get on the rental agreement and consistently pay half of everything.

 

Even though it is her place with her name on the rental agreement, you should still be paying half, if you live there.

 

This is your solution: either pass the background and credit check with the landlord and get yourself on the rental contract officially with your GF and pay half of everything; or move out and get your own place. Splitting the difference is not working for you or your GF. If you go back and live with your mom, then be a man and help your mom pay the bills. Don't mooch off your mom as a way to avoid life's expenses because your mom has expenses too. Welcome to life as an adult.

 

I don't intend any offense with the above. I'm just telling it like it is (based on the first page of posts). Be fair to your GF and your mom.

[bitterbear18]

What's up with the quick remedy opinions people give re Charley's post.

 

Bro, you gotta be reading all of them to make an impactful opinion.

 

Or was I selling myself short with a half- * * * * first post?

 

I'm goign to take my age off as well, see if it adds to any impartiality to the responses.

[charley]

Actually, I read the first page of posts before I made mine. I don't have time to read all the pages of posts.

 

You asked for opinions. I gave you my opinion. Your age is relevant because if you were 17 or 18, I wouldn't be suggesting you help your mom pay the bills when you live with her. However, at age 24, you should be helping your mom when you live with her. Likewise help your GF, if you live with her. And provide that help cheerfully and without complaint because it's the fair thing to do.

 

I was helping my parents with their bills starting when I was 15 and onwards until I moved out of their home at age 22. I was buying most of my own clothes and shoes starting when I was 14. I worked part time beginning at age 14. I worked 30 hours a week starting when I was 15 and still in school and I graduated a year early. I had more discretionary money than my parents at that time. I'm not suggesting that you do anything at age 24 that I wasn't already doing starting at age 15. i.e. - pay your share and not complain about it.

 

I don't intend any offense to you. That's just how I see it based on the first page of posts as I read them earlier.

[bitterbear18]

modified the initial post

[bitterbear18]

ok...

 

i pay accordingly when i'm at home with mum, have been doing so since i've been making money.

 

if my name was on a lease and i'll pay without gripes.

 

if i lived there and wasn't on the lease most definitely i'd pay my way without gripes.

[Cid]

Tell her what you told us, I had a roomate that did that to me. I did not tell him until a month before are lease was up. So I know some what you are going through.

[Survictor]

Perhaps she is looking for a little more committment rather than a convenient place to hang out from time to time? Perhaps she feels that unless you are prepared to offer committment, she would rather your name not be on the lease.

 

If you don't live there, don't pay half the rent unless you want to help her out financially. If you don't, you will end up feeling used and resentful which will ultimately destryy the relationship anyway.

[bitterbear18]

i don't have problems with living there, paying my way and what's required of me. it's a home i want, not a convenience.

 

actually, having to bring this up really kills the spirit of the relationship, especially when she's not willing to talk about it and is unrelenting.

 

quite sad really

[doyathink]

Has she told you why she wont give you a key? I just dont get this part since you are living there (or were) and paying for so much.

[Helen67]

Has she told you why she wont give you a key? I just dont get this part since you are living there (or were) and paying for so much.

 

Good question...I personally feel a controlling issue from your g/f here or a problem to commit herself.

 

Just to give my two cents. If you do make contact with her again, and possibly resume your relationship, assuming you two talk out your differences, I would be very wary still at this time to put your name on the lease, if she was to agree to it. Your g/f was allowing you already to pay so much, knowing how it was financially crippling you. I don't think having your name on a lease, and having your own key, will resolve your problems in the long run. You would still be expected probably to pay for as much as you have been, financially it will not help.

 

I think the suggestion made of perhaps of finding your own place, is the best alternative, and if in the future you and your g/f do try again, you will not be relying on her place of residence as a starting point, and she will not have the control over you, I feel she has now.

 

I think you have been unfairly treated, and should seriously think over whether this is the right person for you.

 

All the best.......Helen.