my girlfriend is a perpetual lier, is there anything i can do?

[shep88ner]

ill try to keep this short becasue if i typed it all out, you'd be here all day...keep in mind we have been dating for 10 months, 11 on December 6th.

 

here are her lies...

 

1. around month 4, i heard she had sex with this guy from her past. she denied it to my face 2 times and even cried her eyes out to me she was telling the truth. well, after i did some digging and did some clever tricking, i ended up gettin the truth out of her after over 2 months of lying to me. she did in fact have sex with this guy.

 

2. she went on a band trip with her school 2 days after we met. upon returning we started dating. she told me she "peck" kissed her ex. boyfriend who for 1/2 the trip was her seat mate since they couldnt switch seats and they had been dating until that point so they were partners. well, after several months of me believing her, she came out and broke down with the truth. she told me they made out for about an hour, he fingered her, and she have him a handjob all on the bus when everyone went to sleep.

 

3. this happened just recently. i confroted her about her lies a long time ago and we talked them out. several months have rolled by and i have had no reason to not believe her. so she went to her friend's house (girlfriend), she was gone for a long time but she said she was practicing a song for band. so then last week, she breaks down again and tells me that she wasnt at her girlfriends house the whole time. she went to this dudes house (a guy i really fu***** hate and dont want her to see, but that's another story). she said she was helping him with his chemistry homework, but at the same time watching a movie. and said she only lied because she didnt want to start a fight by going over there.

 

4. this one happened just last night and on into about an hour ago. she told me last night she sent the above mentioned guy a message on myspace telling him about how they cant hangout anymore because he's "immature" and it's ruining our relationship because i hate him. but she said, "i sent it thursday and after 5 days it automatically delets" now, i woulda loved to read this whole message. so i signed on her name to see if maybe it was still there. and i found messages from 2 weeks ago. and they didnt get "deleted after the 5 days". so i asked her if she just straight up deleted it about an hour ago on the phone. and after confronted with the evidence she admited she deleted it separatly.

 

 

 

i dont like how i get played as an idiot. other than this, our relationship is great. but if she keeps doing this, i dont see up making it to december. she seems to think its not a big deal and her little "lies" are small and i shouldnt get mad. and that is staight bullsh**. is there anything i can say or do to stop her?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Once a liar, always a liar. There is very little you can do to break a habitual/compulsive liar of their habit.

 

Unless something drastic happens, where you leave and let them know you mean business. Otherwise they'll just keep on lying, because they don't anticipate any punishment for doing so. They know they'll just keep getting away with it.

 

I myself am involved with a compulsive/habitual liar. Even though we've had many talks about him coming clean, starting fresh, and being an honest person, he still continues to lie. In fact, we had a talk just the other week and he claimed to have an epiphany in which he swore he would never lie again.

 

Heh, a lie.

 

He still lies and continues to lie and gets caught in old and new lies.

 

So, in summarisation, once a liar always a liar. They don't change.

[ratherbesailing]

Shep -

 

You already know what you have to do. I started dating a liar when I was 16 and I ended up marrying her and I can't begin to tell you the pain that ended up causing me well down the road. I kick myself now because I knew what a liar she was when I was 18 and I did nothing about it. Now I tell my two sons that the most important thing to look for in a girl is integrity and honesty. Everything else is second to that.

[colors]

Shep -

 

You already know what you have to do. I started dating a liar when I was 16 and I ended up marrying her and I can't begin to tell you the pain that ended up causing me well down the road. I kick myself now because I knew what a liar she was when I was 18 and I did nothing about it. Now I tell my two sons that the most important thing to look for in a girl is integrity and honesty. Everything else is second to that.

 

full heartedly agree.

There is nothing you can do but run. You can't change her. And honesty is a MUST in a relationship, don't settle for less.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

She is a chronic liar and she probably does not know she is doing it half the time, kind of like a habit. I am not trying to defend her in any way but I have first hand experience with this. My little brother was a chronic liar throughout his childhood into his teenager years. He outgrew most of it but there are times where he would stretch the truth. But if you taped him doing something he would STILL deny it! I really believed he lied enough in order to believe his own lies.

 

I am guessing your girlfriend is young, like 17-18. There is a good chance she will outgrow this. Perhaps not.

 

 

I always believe, with no trust, there is no relationship. She cannot be trusted...period. I would have never trusted my life or anything with my brother for a very long time. People had a hard time trusting him. I would really rethink having a relationship with her.

 

Two things could be going...

 

She could have issues that need to be addressed or she could be just a flat out liar to cover her own hide. Either way, you are never going to have a healthy or thriving relationship. Here are some links that go into detail about chronic liars. Hang in there and good luck.

 

 

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[chigal28]

Shep, I'm sorry you're going through this. But knowing she's lied about all these things, how can you trust anything she says? If you can't ask your girlfriend a question and KNOW that she is giving you an honest answer, and you will probably only hear "the real truth" somewhere down the line...why ask her anything?

 

Honestly, she doesn't sound very trustworthy, or honest. And this is just my opinion, but I truly believe if she respected you, she would not be trying to get away with as much as possible and only owning up to things she's done under questioning from you. Do you always want to have to wonder what she's *really* up to when she says she's at a friend's house, or when she has to sit next to her ex on the bus?

[n83]

Out of curiosity, why were you asking her about her past sexual experiences ? Your questions seem to be about her sleeping with specific people, rather than inquiring about her past for health reasons.

 

You're also mad about something she did 2 days after you met... I'm not sure I see the point of bringing all this past stuff up, other than to start arguments.

[shep88ner]

Out of curiosity, why were you asking her about her past sexual experiences ? Your questions seem to be about her sleeping with specific people, rather than inquiring about her past for health reasons.

 

You're also mad about something she did 2 days after you met... I'm not sure I see the point of bringing all this past stuff up, other than to start arguments.

 

 

 

i didnt bring up her past sexual past. i mean, sure, i asked about what all she did with people just to know. but i didnt know about this guy she slept with until she brought it up. SHE called ME and was crying her eyes out about how she was "going to get beat up" at school becasue people were saying she had sex with this guy. so i asked if she did and she insisted she didnt and she was going to get beat up for not doing anything. but allllll my friends told me differently (guys who knew this guy) so i kind of got suspicious and emailed him one day and he was straight up with me and real cool about it. i just waited back until she came clean with it.

 

and the reason i was so upset about the thing 2 days after we met, was that we met on december 27th. she left on the 29th. she called me on new years eve and told me to not kiss any other girls back home. even though we werent dating i still didnt kiss anyone becasue we were pretty much dating just not officialy. and then i hear what all she did. then had the nerve to call and tell me not to even kiss another girl.

 

 

im not really mad about either situation. it's in the past, i cant change it, it was a long time ago now. the reason im upset is that she lied to me. if she told me straight up what all happened right when it happens, i wont be upset. it's the fact my girlfriend is lying to me on a regular basis now. i can live with her past, i cant live with the lies.

[Bethany]

Tell her straight, cut out the bull*** , the lies and the disrespect or it's over. It's either that or keep getting played like the idiot your not.

[n83]

It doesn't seem like her lying is going to stop... It might be better to get out now and cut your losses before you invest any more time in someone like her..

[Rabican]

Jesus man, wake up and smell the coffee. Man up!

 

Your girl isnt just a liar, shes a cheating, backstabbing wh... ill skip that word. Shes no good. saying 'other than this' our relationship is good is like saying Other than OJ simpson killing his ex wife he was an alright guy. Im sorry bro, but once someone crosses that line that far into 'wrong' territory... they are bad now... not good. the relationship isnt good anymore. Its bad, with a few moments of good.

 

Find yourself a decent woman, and tell her to take a hike.

[bcuzitwasfun]

What can you do and say to stop her?

 

Tell her this..

 

I'm leaving. Yes I am breaking up with you. Bye.

 

Then do this....

 

Leave and let her go.

 

Good Luck,

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

[Iceman26]

is there anything i can say or do to stop her?

 

No. You can't change her. She has to want to change, and apparently she likes being a player.

 

You can choose not to play her games and move on to someone better though.

 

She's already slept with someone else, along with all the other numerous lies.

 

You should want to be with someone who will not treat you this way.

[anonymous coward]

She's not ready to be in a serious relationship. She's still trying to figure out who she is, who she wants to be, and who she wants to be with. If you stay with her, you're going to have to deal with this BS all the time. Once she matures (and there's no set age for this, some 14 year olds are more mature than 40 year olds... but that's another topic) she'll probably quit the games and tears and lies.

 

I say leave her alone and focus on your own plans and self. You don't need or respect a girl like that, do you?

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

You can't stop her from lying. She's have to change herself on her own.

 

ODD that she doesn't seem to care whether you find out she's lying. It's almost as if she wants to get YOU to break up with her so that she doesn't have to do that "dirty work."

 

Dump her and save yourself.

[blindfold]

sometimes the truth is ridiculous, and you may not believe it, but it is always the truth - and that's that! if she is a liar she won't stop lying unless someone teaches her a lesson or she just matures.

or she may not stop, and drive you completely mad.

i don't see much future for a relationship without honesty or without trust - and this is non-judgmental advice.

 

cheers*