I am gay...but I don't want to be.

[Afraid to be alone]

Really I only created this account because the Internet is the only place I can talk about this, get it off my chest and not have to worry about it coming back to haunt me. For I know what I am about to say, I shall likely never say again.

 

I have no Idea where to start, or why I am even posting this. Perhaps it is because a door in my life is about to shut forever. You see I am a pretty good looking guy, my looks are much better then my personality. Because I am good looking I often attract people, however I repel them just as quickly since I have no desire to be around people.

 

As a child I didn't think having sex with men made me gay, it was simply the easiest way for me to get what I wanted. I had more partners by the age of 12 then some people have in there entire life. All men, some older, most my age.

 

I learned that I could use my words to get what I wanted, and just about anyone I met gladly and sucked me. My powers didn't work on girls, but I knew a guys head was in his pants and if you could get him hard he was yours.

 

As I got older I did have sex with a few girls, none of which gave me any pleasure. I found I couldn't reach climax with them, no mater how many hours we went at it. I wasn't turned off since I stayed hard, yet I wore them out much sooner then I could even dream of climaxing.

 

For a long time I was a solo act, girls weren't useful and I wasn't going to be gay, I didn't want the trouble it involved. I would much rather live a quite life by myself then one with another man. Even if that was the kind of person I was attracted to. At least sexually.

 

One person was an open gay, whom I liked a lot. However my fear of being different drove him away. I know we would be happy together, however I also know mentally I could never except a life with him. I would push him away with the desire to love a woman and be normal.

 

So here I am a self hating gay, who doesn't hate gays only the idea that I am one. I know its wrong of me to hide who I am, but in the end I can only bring sorrow into the lives of anyone I meet. I cannot be pleased by a girl physically, and I can't be happy with a man Mentally.

[Baby Carrot]

Hi, welcome.

 

I cannot be pleased by a girl physically, and I can't be happy with a man Mentally.

 

I can only bring sorrow into the lives of anyone I meet

 

Why you deny yourself the chance of being happy with a guy? Sorrow is certainly not the only thing you can bring to people's lives, why are you so sure of that?

 

Is true being gay in this supposedly liberal society is a hassle. But you can't possibly keep denying who you really are, can you.

 

I guess if you're really convinced of the fact that you're not able to be happy with a partner, well don't. Continue solo for a while, until you heal and get pass thru everything you're facing right now.

 

No pressures really. Generally, is not a wise choice to be with someone just for the sake of not being alone.

[Caterina]

I'd personally say stay away from sex for now...it seems to cause you lots of problems with intimacy. Try to love and get to know people in other ways before everything is sexualized.

[gattsuga]

having sex at such a young age probably left a deep impression in you. Since you only had sex with guys, you are now only attracted to men... and that's probably why you can't climax when you're with a woman.

 

maybe you need some counselling, and sort out your childhood memories. Why did you become so sexual at such a young age. Did your parents know about it? What caused you to approach boys at your young age?

[southerngirl]

Im concerned about your childhood and what you say was your sexual history.

 

BUT.

 

 

If you are truly gay and find that your attraction is only for the same sex then be true to yourself! I dont think that someone wants to be gay. They just are gay.

 

being true to yourself and accepting yourself will be the one path to happiness!

[Afraid to be alone]

 

Why you deny yourself the chance of being happy with a guy?

 

Why...I suppose if I knew that I wouldn't be here so confused. I am the kind of person who would gladly die for the ones I love. And I know being gay would hurt them, our way of life is a bit behind the times. My family would disown me for it, and even the guy who I do like, I can't see being around forever.

 

Sorrow is certainly not the only thing you can bring to people's lives, why are you so sure of that?

 

Perhaps I am simply to messed up in my own head to make someone happy. I have to get through my own problems before I figure I can take someone else on my shoulders with me.

 

 

I'd personally say stay away from sex for now...it seems to cause you lots of problems with intimacy. Try to love and get to know people in other ways before everything is sexualized.

 

I suppose I have been for a while now, this is not something I have been working through since Yesterday, but years. I want to feel loved, and want to love someone in return. I wish sex wasn't in the picture at all, it would make things so much easier.

 

 

Why did you become so sexual at such a young age?

I was born that way I guess, while other kids thought of bats, bases, and balls. I thought of boobs, butts, and babe. I craved sex, even before I fully understood what it was. Pure desire was the only thing that I knew, not right or wrong, man or woman. Only pleasure and Lust.

 

Did your parents know about it?

They almost caught me once, but I played it off pretty well. After that I kept a tight lid on it, for even if I didn't understand what I was doing. I knew it wasn't something for adults to know about.

 

What caused you to approach boys at your young age?

It was easy, I knew being sucked and sucking felt good. Better then I was able to describe at the age and even now can only call Bliss. Since I was able to slip in hints and play them like a fiddle. I could get the biggest Anti-gay in the world had I wanted him back then. Of course I am sure it had mainly to do with my childish body.

[turqoise]

Just a voice of support. I totally understand how you feel. I`m pretty sure I`m lesbian, though I`ve been brought up so conservatively that I don`t want to be. I just want to live a `normal` accepted life. I have had no luck with boyfriends - relationships have always been based on sex by the end. I`m using this site to test how I feel if I accept I`m lesbian. I figure that even if I can`t say it in the real world, I`ve denied it for so long, and want to be happy, that I could at least do it in compete confidence here.

[FoxLocke]

having sex at such a young age probably left a deep impression in you. Since you only had sex with guys, you are now only attracted to men... and that's probably why you can't climax when you're with a woman.

 

Note: This is not the way one becomes gay.

 

My first sexual experience was with a woman...and I'm gay.

 

Anyway, aside from the history of child molestation(which is what it was, considering that you were having sexual encounters with older men when you were younger than 12) I can identify with you on so many levels...

 

I believe that, for now, you should stay away from intimate relationships and work on yourself. So much damage has been done to you emotionally and physically; and it is closing you off to true intimacy and relationships...

 

You might be gay, straight, or bisexual...What you aren't, at this point, is a person who can function in a healthy relationship...

 

Like you I pretty much knew I was gay since early childhood. However, I didn't want to be. I grew up in a homophobic evangelical christian family(just read my old threads when I first started here) where it was nothing for anti gay slurs to be bandied about "in the name of god." So I grew up hating everything that I was, and I desperately tried to change it. Whether it was through prayer or majoring in psychology just to see why I was so "messed up" I did it...Which finally led to me having sex with a woman just to prove to myself that I wasn't gay...Long story short I had to imagine myself with a guy just to climax. It wasn't the worst experience but I did not enjoy it in the least...

 

What you need is a positive outlook on gay life and relationships. The ONLY reason I even came out to myself, two years ago, was when I met my cousin--who is gay--for the first time in 10 years. When I saw him and his partner together a light came on for me. It showed me that I could be a healthy and positive person being ME...

Now, I goto gay support groups, see a gay affirmative counselor, and I read as many gay positive books as I can. I feel good about being who I am now, and I make no apologies for it...

 

It is extremely difficult to acknowledge your gayness in our ultra religious culture...But the benefits of being true to yourself outweigh the negativity of living in denial. You have to be brave and strong...but it is worth it.

[all about us]

i totally agree with fox^

 

pay attention to yourself and solve your problem before you get into a relationship that will end up in the worst manner if you don't resolve the confusion you are in right now.

[chile en polvo]

you are what you are.

[Scout]

Hi...your post really reminded me of some thoughts I've had lately about the whole Ted Haggard scandal (the prominent evangelist who in public denounces gay people, but in private has apparently been seeing a gay call man for three years).

 

You say that coming out would bring sorrow on your loved ones. Look at how deciding not to ever come out brought sorrow on Ted Haggard's family. And his congregation.

 

This man denied his sexuality to the point he channeled so much of his self-hate into, in my opinion, the absolutely worst direction. Here's what his life would have looked like if he had admitted and embraced his sexual orientation early on: he could be in a loving, healthy relationship with another man. If he wanted to pursue his spirituality, he could be attending a church where people of same-sex orientation are welcome.

 

But he didn't pursue that path. And now, here is what his life looks like:

 

He has a wife and five children who are profoundly embarrassed that he has been living a lie all these years. He is now about to undergo a humiliating "rehabilatation program" overseen by people who view his sexual preferences as disgusting. I cannot imagine how excruciatingly awful this process is going to be for him. He is now convinced God loathes him. Worst of all, instead of pursuing a healthy relationship with another man early on (before getting married), he has chosen to have drug-fueled trysts with a male prostitute.

 

In other words, by denying his sexuality, he turned it from what could have been a healthy and rewarding expression of love towards another man - into basically the perversion that his particular brand of religion says being gay is.

 

Very, very sad, and look at all the sorrow this has caused for this man.

[turqoise]

Hey Scout,

Just want to say I found your post so helpful.

When you see the possible alternate futures, it makes for strong pursuasion to put your happiness first...

[Armane]

I understand how you feel "afraid to be alone" its just that the concept of being with a man mentally can be very confusing. But don't worry with time I hope you find someone that can be good for you and bring the best out of you.

[Makedamnsure]

Just a voice of support. I totally understand how you feel. I`m pretty sure I`m lesbian, though I`ve been brought up so conservatively that I don`t want to be. I just want to live a `normal` accepted life. I have had no luck with boyfriends - relationships have always been based on sex by the end. I`m using this site to test how I feel if I accept I`m lesbian. I figure that even if I can`t say it in the real world, I`ve denied it for so long, and want to be happy, that I could at least do it in compete confidence here.

 

I'm also in the same boat. My parents are homophobes as well, so I now feel like I can't ever let anyone know. I don't think I'm 100% gay, since I still like girls, but I've never been in love with a girl. I don't know, it's a crappy situation to be in. I've told one of my friends I was Bi, and she kind of freaked out at first(she had a crush on me), but it was quickly accepted. I had an urge to tell some people, but I just don't want it to get out and spread around, you know? I feel like my parents can NEVER find out, I'm not sure why, maybe it was when they made fun of my brother for watching Will and Grace because it featured gay people.

Anyway, sorry I dont have any advice to give, I'm still in venting stages(feels nice to get these things off my chest

[ps0727]

Hi,

I am also in a similar situation. While I appreciate people recommending that we whould live like who we are without hiding, there are some of us (like me), who seriously think that a normal life with wife and kids is so much worth giving up the pleasures of physical sex with a man.

 

Coming from an ultra conservative family and ultra conservative culture, I am ready to forego the physical pleasures...If only I could somehow be with a girl....

 

I believe that as we age, physical needs are replaced by mental needs. And for me, examples of mental needs are having a partner, a good friends circle and being respected in society. I believe being "straight" is the only way I can achieve all this in my society.

 

Now the biggest problem is, I am not sure if I can perform with a woman...If only there was some pill or something, which will let me perform with a woman even without any arousal, I know I would be happy. I am sure that I will keep the woman happy as well....Please if someone has any pills or anything that can do this, please let me know...

 

The popular pills will not work without arousal...

[tightyo361]

link removed

 

I strongly suggest you visit this site, it's verrry good.

[ps0727]

Although I am not Christian, I dont mind Christian support groups if they provide answers..To be honest, most of these support groups, dont have a solution to turn you into a heterosexual person. They impart a sense of guilt in you to make you think that living alone and celibate is better than being with a guy....

 

So most of these groups, when they say that they "heal" homosexuals, all they do is succeed in making many of the people, absatin totally from gay sex and claim that they have "cured" someone....

 

Anyways, I appreciat all your suggestions, but there should be some other people like me, who want to somehow marry and be "straight" and happy....I really hope that I can find someone like that and be a support for each other in our hard goal (no pun intended), that we have set for ourselves

 

Thanks

[pianoguy]

ps,

 

Just as it is not possible to turn gay, it is not possible to turn straight if you are in fact gay. Science has proven this:

 

This is from the American Psychological Association.

 

If you are in fact gay, you need to give up the delusion of turning straight and presumably marrying a woman. This is a recipe for disaster and a lifetime of regrets. I don't need to remind you of all the high-profile instances in the news- just think about the devastation it causes to the wife and the children when they found out that their dad secretly wants a man in his life. It's not someting that you can overcome through willpower; these people are some of the most miserable you will ever meet.

 

As for this Christian conversion baloney- whatever their intentions this is one of the most pschologically harmful things possible for gay people. The APA quote I gave above explains it well.

 

My advice: It sounds to me like you aren't completely sure whether you're gay or straight. But being gay is not a curse, it is a gift from God. Gay people are blessed with peculiar emotional intelligence- their ability to understand both men and women gives them extraordinary insight into the way the world works, and a very high percentage of the world's great artists, composers, musicians, and writers are gay. Plus, we don't have to worry about the mechanics of straight sex and the female orgasm- lord it sounds complicated.

 

Don't give up your dream of having a family if you're gay!! There are options nowadays- if you find someone you want to settle down with you can adopt, or use a sperm bank, or something to that effect. My boyfriend and I certainly will do this when we get married.

 

Most importantly remember this: God loves you as a gay person, he created you the way he did for a reason, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

[kadvati79]

Wanna know a secret?

 

Being gay and out is not anywhere near as big a deal as people make out, at least in my experience. If you make a big deal of it, then others will make a big deal too. I would say its probably one of the least interesting things about me. I was thinking why this is the other day, and I realised: people generally make their reactions from me. My sexuality is introduced in such an unimportant (and non-negotiable) manor that it is simply not something worth discussing.

 

I spent five years as the Royal New Zealand Air Force's first openly gay officer, and I have to say, it was really a non event. What I learned is that most people don't give a damn who I kissed or had sex with or bought to functions - they cared if I did my job, was a good person, and served my country well. The 5-10% who it was an issue, used to be given a loud voice - but I simply didn't give them the opportunity to bring it up.

 

Being gay presents unique challenges. But everyones life has specialist challenges. It is up to you to decide what matters, and how you feel about those challenges. If being gay is an issue for you, then you are allowing other people to make an issue. While my sexuality is probably one of the first few things people learn about me, whether through media or gossip, who I am as a person and what I achieve very quickly replaces that.

 

I had to work closely with a US military unit at one stage during my military career. There was quite a fuss just prior, when my commanders were worried because technically during my time I would be under US Military law, which forbade gay sex and US military personnel couldn't be openly gay (incidentally the same regulation that forbids gay sex also forbids all kinds of oral sex, heterosexual included...). I got off the plane and when I met the US Colonel to discuss my assignment he said "So I hear you're pretty good with computers", to which I shrugged and replied "well sir, not all poofs redecorate rooms and cut hair". He blinked a couple of times and then burst out laughing.

 

I got fiddled by a primary school teacher when I was five, pretty bizarre stuff, and I was cut up about it for ten-odd years. I did the whole counseling thing, but I couldn't be intimate and my relationships ... even non-sexual ones... were a disaster. Then one day I realised I didn't want to be a victim any more. We all have bad things in past, some more than others of course.

 

By far and away, the best thing you can do is make some platonic gay friends. When you hang around these people, you will realise they are happy and normal and make up a significant portion of our society. One day when your sexuality is public you will be continually surprised at the people who are actually supportive of your sexuality. The other day was "red ribbon" day (AID's fundraising here in NZ), and I walked into work to see one of my most butchest clients insisting all his staff went out and bought a ribbon. In his most booming non-politcally correct voice he proclaimed to me "I don't care who started this whole AID's thing, but I'm going be part of stopping it".

 

Only you can find the path to being happy. But I really think by getting out there and finding happy gay people - you will see that if you are gay, it is only as bad as you make it.

[Survictor]

I feel that you feel that you are a disappointment to your family and so punish yourself by not allowing yourself to connect with another human being. You feel that being gay is wrong and yet being with a woman holds no joy for you either. You want to be straight and have a "normal" relationship right?

 

Any relationship you have is not going to be "normal" because you have so many issues relating to sex and relationships that you need to work through. Being used and using people for sexual gratification only can only lead to an empty existence, but you have no idea on how to go about any other relationship, which probably stems from being abused and trust issues.

 

You need to find a good counsellor and you should only have friendships for the next year say. I would hope that a year down the line, you would be able to connect with people on an emotional level because without that, you will never form a close, loving attachment which is what you want.

 

I think you have closed off part of your emotions so as not to get hurt.

 

Sorry that you have been hurt so.

 

Remember that not everyone is out to use you or hurt you.

 

For me, this isn't about whether you are gay or straight. There are more important issues here.

[turqoise]

Pianoguy and Icemotoboy, your posts were both beautiful. Thank you, they were some of the best words I have heard