New Relationship-lack of sex?

[FarandAway]

Hi all,

 

Hopefully you can shed some light on my problem. I have been dating a wonderful guy since early August. Things have moved pretty fast because we really fell for each other.

 

I am practically living at his place and he has asked me to move in when my lease is up (end of March). We get along in every possible way and when I told him I was in love with him... he said "me too"... lol.. ok.. not bad for a guy!

 

Anyway, one thing I have noticed is that we never went though the "fuc*ing like rabbits" stage. I am 37 and he is 35. My hormones are out of control these days and obviously I want to be with him. When we do have sex, its wonderful but he never initiates(ok a few times he has) and there have been times a full week has gone by without anything. This is when I start to panic.

 

I have brought this up to him a few times because I feel hurt. I thought maybe he wasn't attracted to me. (I have been told by others that I am an attractive woman). I finally brought it up again this morning and told him I feel hurt because I feel like he isn't attracted to me. He got pissed and said "this subject is coming up to much!"... he then got in his car and sped off. Needless to say.. I really felt stupid at that point!

 

So, I sat him down today and asked several questions. I asked him if he ever had this problem in his past relationships and he said "no".. I said, is there a performance problem and he said no... I said, do you have a low sex drive and he said "no".... UGH!

 

Then he preceeded to tell me that he has never met a girl that wants to have sex every day and that we are in an adjustment period. * * * does that mean? I mean... what is there to figure out in the first few months?

 

He said "we have plenty of time and that he doesn't want to have a ton of sex and then only to have it "burn itself out"... ok... I can see where he is coming from but I guess I am just confused here. Maybe I am some kind of nymph but when you go 5 to 6 days in between AND its a new relationship...it can be confusing.

 

Oh and no.. he isn't seeing anyone else.. this much I know. And the other tidbit is that he is French.. not that should mean anything... or does it?

 

Any advice? Please tell me if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.

[amtjrtcet]

Well, I think the golden rule stands here, "you want what you can't have". Don't make sex so available to him. See how he responds. And in the mean time, getcha a rabbit

[VeganBohemian]

My boyfriend and I also never went through that phase...where we had sex all the time. We have sex about once a week I guess...we do not live with one another so that is expected. Sometimes we don't even do that. He used to initiate it more...that is why I sometimes feel panicked as though he does not find me attractive, so I know how you feel.

 

Sorry you are going through this!

[Beec]

Well, I think the golden rule stands here, "you want what you can't have". Don't make sex so available to him. See how he responds. And in the mean time, getcha a rabbit

 

Good call.

 

Sometimes the worst thing a woman can do, if she wants sex, is do what you did. Ask for it, and it often turns a man off.

 

How would you react if he thought he could just say "let's go" and expected you to go to bed and have sex. You want him to work for a little, don't you.

 

When you do initiate how long do you do it before the act? Ten, fifteen minutes, I'd bet. Again, if a man did this to you when you were not in the mood, he would be SHUT DOWN.

 

Why don't you think about taking some time and putting in some effort to seduce your man.

 

Also, realize, one of the first steps in any seduction is to make an indirect approach, don't let him know that you are coming to get sex.

[Batya33]

My guess is his body is reacting to "this is moving too fast!" even though the rest of him seems to want it. I would cut back to seeing him a few times a week, tops, let him miss you and put the moving in together talk on the back burner while you get to know him without the blindness of infatuation.

[RayKay]

He may just have a lower sex drive too, not because of you, but because of his own hormones, or physical health or whatever.

 

I dated someone whom was like your guy...that initial stage can be a lot of fun, and well, for him, sex was more like something he was fine without for a long period of time. I too wondered what was wrong with me, as I had never experienced that before! He told me that he just thought it was better when you had it less often - he had a quality vs quantity argument of sorts, but ultimately it was just he had a lower sex drive. This became reflected later on in other ways, so I am not just "guessing" that was the case with him!

 

Beec has some good points on seduction, but I would also just pay attention to other things. And....I guess it really comes down to how important it is to you to have it very often....generally for me while I adore sex, and think it is very important in my relationship, if it is less frequent well...the fact is there are other reasons I am here and other intimacies we share as well so it's not a dealbreaker.

[FarandAway]

RayKay,

 

Thanks for your post. Funny... he believes in quality over quantity and has referred to that many times! It's a French thing. But you may be right.. his drive is lower than mine and even though I asked him if it was... *he* doesn't think so.

 

This is a tough one because I really care about him. Maybe he does need to "miss" me a bit ya know? I have the advantage of going home for the night but when I suggest it, he takes it personally and says "you are sick of me"..... its just the opposite .... I love being with him but I hate laying in a bed where I am wondering W*T*F* is going on? I would rather be home in my bed.. alone with my cats then going through that.

 

I guess this is just an incompatability. Go figure... I am at my sexual peak and I get with a guy that isn't interested... just my luck

[FarandAway]

Beec,

 

I have tried seducing him and when I did... I got rejected. Yeah.. no thanks. Kind of would make you shy away huh?

[ForAnother]

Beec,

 

I have tried seducing him and when I did... I got rejected. Yeah.. no thanks. Kind of would make you shy away huh?

 

Now you know what it feels like to be a guy

 

Rejection sucks, but the real test of character is when you are at your worst, when you are ashamed of something. So when you get rejected just laugh and don't get upset. Just laugh and just ask "are you in the mood?" If he says no just say ok and try not to hold a grudge.

 

Show your best in every situation I suppose.

 

-ForAnother

[TiredMan]

Now you know what it feels like to be a guy

 

Rejection sucks, but the real test of character is when you are at your worst, when you are ashamed of something. So when you get rejected just laugh and don't get upset. Just laugh and just ask "are you in the mood?" If he says no just say ok and try not to hold a grudge.

 

Show your best in every situation I suppose.

 

-ForAnother

 

As accurate as you are, I bet the reaction to your post isn't good lol.

[Beec]

Beec,

 

I have tried seducing him and when I did... I got rejected. Yeah.. no thanks. Kind of would make you shy away huh?

 

OK, HOW?

 

Because I know of few women who really have a clue in that regard. When a man is 20-25, any sex is something he jumps at. When he gets a bit older, he becomes a little more discriminating. Moreover, when he thinks he can have sex whenever he wants, he becomes down right picky at times. So, what do you consider seducing your man?

[TiredMan]

OK, HOW?

 

Because I know of few women who really have a clue in that regard. When a man is 20-25, any sex is something he jumps at. When he gets a bit older, he becomes a little more discriminating. Moreover, when he thinks he can have sex whenever he wants, he becomes down right picky at times. So, what do you consider seducing your man?

 

Is this a bad thing that he is picky?

[charley]

I'm no expert, but this is my thought. I think it has to do with hormones, sex drive, and age and is all normal.

 

I've heard many times that men's sexual peak is teens and early twenties and then gradual decline from 25 on.

 

For women peak is late 20s, 30s, and possibly early 40s.

 

So in effect, wouldn't it be normal that just as you are hitting your peak and your sex drive is increasing, guys near you age are tapering off and becoming gradually less interested and less capable?

 

I've heard and read that. I've also had women friends in their 30s complain of this very issue.

 

One lady friend in particular comes to mind. She is in her mid thirties and has been married to the same guy since she was 17. She says that when they were younger he wanted to do it every day, but she didn't want to more than once or twice a week. Now that she's in her mid 30s and he's in his early 40s, their roles and situations are reversed. Now she wants to do it all the time and he seldom wants to. She is frustrated. She said she now has to work at getting him in the mood (i.e. - seducing him). That is something she never had to do when they were younger.

 

However, isn't all this rather normal considering your relative ages?

[Beec]

This is an ironic twist in life. However, how hard did most guys need to work when in their 20s to get any? How much thought did they put into the concept of how to get some or more? How much effort?

 

How many women in the 30s or 40s put in that kind of thought and effort? Not a one, of which I know.

[TiredMan]

This is an ironic twist in life. However, how hard did most guys need to work when in their 20s to get any? How much thought did they put into the concept of how to get some or more? How much effort?

 

How many women in the 30s or 40s put in that kind of thought and effort? Not a one, of which I know.

 

Valid point. And the men usually didn't complain too much about it. They just kind of accepted that they had to "work" hard to get it. But when the shoe is on the foot............

[charley]

What is his hair color? Is he turing grey at all?

 

Greying hair in a man indicates low testosterone levels. Low testosterone is what triggers a man's hair to turn grey.

 

By contrast, the baldness gene is triggered by high testosterone levels. So baldness or partial baldness indicates higher than average testosterone levels. Theoretically, the younger a man is when he starts losing his hair, the higher his testosterone and the more studly he would be.

 

Male sex drive rather closely parallels testorone levels.

 

At least this is what a biology professor friend of mine was telling me. I don't know if this has any bearing on your situation or not, but perhaps it does.

 

I'd expect a somewhat lower sex drive in a middle age guy anyway, but there is a lot of variation among individuals. The hair issue is a visual clue.

[charley]

Not to be to insensitive, but the role reversal of who's horniest is poetic justice. Women then get a taste of the sexual frustrations that men in their teens and 20s have endured.

 

There are some solutions, I've heard. (Hey I'm one of those premature bald guys, so it's not like I'd know from personal experience)

 

Viagra and related drugs.

Testosterone shots.

 

Or you can get yourself a younger boyfriend in his early 20s, which is what some 30 something women do. If you go this route, you may as well go for the gusto and stick to a guy under 25 because it's all down hill for guys after 25. When I was 23, I had a 36 year old GF whom I fondly remember.

 

Or I suppose you do have another option, which probably every guy in his teens and 20s must use for a supplement or substitution for sex. Self pleasuring. Ok, I admit I do have experience with this one, but so does every other guy.

 

I don't want to be cruel, but what you are experiencing is how life is for guys in our teens and twenties when we can never get as much as we'd like, if any at all. It pretty much sucks doesn't it?

[Scout]

Of course, if you're wanting it every day and he doesn't, there is some disparateness in your sex drives. So, I'm not discounting your feelings of frustration.

 

But to some of the other posters who are offering their thoughts...every five or six days is not an indication of a poor sex drive or a performance problem or low testosterone. Good grief! It's certainly in the average range of "normal' sexual activity for couples.

 

I also have the feeling the more you hammer at him about this, the less enthused he's going to feel about sex, period.

 

The above statement is not meant to criticize you. But if you really want it more, pleading with him for it is not going to get it. "Seducing" him probably won't either.

 

If it's really an important need for you...you may have to look for it in a relationship with someone else.

[charley]

Actually, Scout, I don't think we are in disagreement. I don't think anything I said conflicts with anything you said. It's possible that we may both be correct.

 

Personally, I'm enjoying being somewhat less interested than I was in my 20s. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm no longer interested at all. I think it will be liberating. Unfortuneatly, that is probably a couple decades or more into the future. It seems a rather attractive idea not to have to worry about any of this stuff anymore. Imagine how much simpler and less frustrating life would be.

 

Nagging and pleading won't help, but seducing him might work, if well done. Years ago when I was 23, my 36 year old GF bought a stack of girly magazines and wanted me to look through them while she gave me BJs. That ought to get just about any guy going. I mean we're talking about the stimulation of seeing many nude women plus having a real nude woman right there touching. Actually, I'd have to say my former GF was a genius at that sort of thing. She was capitalizing on a psychology principle called the Coolidge effect. That is that two available women will double a man's sex drive. Three available women will triple it. Four available women will quadruple it, and so on. Seriously. That is a fact and is documented in psychology books. My former GF was a nurse. So she was familiar with many psych and physiology things. Look it up in a psych book. Anyhow, my former GF was a nymphomanic, or seemed so to me. She was also educated and quite a seduction genius. The original thread starter might want to take some seduction inspiration from this paragraph. I'll bet you'd get an extra day per week out of him, at least. Perhaps the addition of some other exciting things he's not used to getting would also catch and increase his interest. Be creative.

[Cardinal]

What is his hair color? Is he turing grey at all?

 

Greying hair in a man indicates low testosterone levels. Low testosterone is what triggers a man's hair to turn grey.

 

By contrast, the baldness gene is triggered by high testosterone levels. So baldness or partial baldness indicates higher than average testosterone levels. Theoretically, the younger a man is when he starts losing his hair, the higher his testosterone and the more studly he would be.

 

Male sex drive rather closely parallels testorone levels.

 

At least this is what a biology professor friend of mine was telling me. I don't know if this has any bearing on your situation or not, but perhaps it does.

 

I'd expect a somewhat lower sex drive in a middle age guy anyway, but there is a lot of variation among individuals. The hair issue is a visual clue.

 

I have to take issue with a couple of these. Grey hair = low testosterone levels. There are plenty of cases where this isn't valid. Some people just go grey at a young age, doesn't mean their test levels are low. Or maybe even correlation != causation here. Old men tend to be grey. Old men tend to have lower test levels. One doesn't imply the other.

 

Baldness triggered by high testosterone levels. Also not quite accurate imo. Baldness is triggered by too much conversion from Testosterone to DHT reaching the scalp. I know people who can run massive amounts of testosterone and not lose a hair for years. And others with pretty low test levels that start going bald before 30.

 

But I do think male sex drive fairly closely parallels free test levels. Free testosterone levels..not total test. The way to figure this one is to get bloodwork done. It is surefire. Other things contribute too, pretty much everything along the HPTA axis could be looked at. Particularly, DHEA, Testosterone, SHGB, LH production among others.

[Cardinal]

farandaway,

 

We (collectively) who have high sex drives tend to make our own definition of what is normal, without looking at good statistical data. Wanting it once every 5-6 days? Looks very low to me, when in fact it is average. So when he says he doesn't have a low sex drive, he is correct I suppose.

 

He may just be doing you a favor. Perhaps he just wants you to get a realistic feel for what it will be like after you have been together for a long time. He knows what he will want more or less and what he will agree to. Maybe he just wants you to understand that now rather than later, so you can make an informed decision as to whether you want to date/live with him long term.

[charley]

OK. Fair enough. As I said, that was something a friend of mine who teaches biology told me. So feel free to take issue with what he told me and I repeated. I'm not a biologist. I don't know.

[charley]

What about love? If you love this guy, then does this sex stuff really matter that much anyway? There are some couples who are together for a long time without having sex at all, or very little, and they love each other.

 

I know my sister and her husband dated for a year before getting engaged and then they were engaged a year before marriage. I'm sure my sister was virgin before meeting him and I think she probably was a virgin until marriage. So they loved each other for a good year and a half or more with no sex.

 

I also read a very touching thread at E from a gal who clearly loves her guy and vice versa and they haven't ever had sex.

 

I don't think sex is or should be the most important thing in a relationship. Compared to some other couples, once a week is a lot. So I guess everything is relative.

[FarandAway]

Thanks for the responses. One thing though, I don't think this is a "see how it feels" kind of thing. When I was in my 20's I had a decent sex drive but sex was different then. I am more confident in my body and physically, sex is more pleasurable now.

 

Also, since I am in love with this guy, I just want to show it and make him feel good.

 

I don't think sex is the only thing in a relationship.. not even remotely. I guess I would be ok with twice a week? Ill go for anything a bit more.

 

I suppose I need to learn to live with this. Bottom line. Either it will kill the relationship or it won't. I certainly don't want to lose him over this even though the sex is very important. We can't have it all right? I just find it ironic that I fall in love with someone in the middle of my sexual peak and he doesn't match it. Ouch.

[holyohio]

Uh, 3 months and you're planning to move in with each other?

 

I'd say that's it.

 

Living on your own for 17 years of your life and then having a live-in girlfriend after only 3 months? Think about the psychological impact that can have on his independence/ego/territorial side.

 

Id agree with Beec -- thinks going too fast. He might just need some time to adjust. Best to back off for awhile, make yourself scarce for a bit.

 

 

...P.S. OP: will you marry me?