How Do I Leave My Boyfriend?????

[thoughts]

This is ridiculous now. I need to leave him and I just can't do it. He's a drug addict and an alcoholic. I pay for everything. He yells at me and makes me feel like sh-t. You would think it would be easy to just pack my belongings (which is the entire apt and furniture) and leave, but everytime I muster up the guts - I fold. I'm not afraid of being alone. I am not afraid I won't find someone else. I am only afraid that when it comes down to it, I love this man and maybe I need to just find the strength to hold on. I DO want the happily ever after. The doting husband who loves me and wants to spoil me. I DO want my man to stay with me when I am sick and appreciate me and my family.

 

HOW DO I LEAVE??? HOW?? WHY AM I SUCH A COWARD???

[ImThatGirl]

Has he admitted that he has a problem? Is he working on getting better?

 

It's a life altering adjustment to leave. It won't be easy.... If you decide to leave and actually do, it will take weeks if not months to feel better and confident that you did the right thing.

 

Hugs~

[Jayar]

You don't love this man... You love your idealized fantasy of what you want him to be. Do you love him when he's high or drunk? Do you love him when he's making you feel like crap? Does he fit the bill of your "supportive partner" in ANY way other than the fact that... Well... He's a male?

 

If you can get your head around the concept that it IS possible to be in love with a fantasy, an ideal of someone that doesn't exist, then it will make it easier on you. And once you free yourself of this tremendous burden you will be ABLE to find someone who you truly love and loves you in return, minus the drugs, alcohol, and abuse.

 

You know you need to leave and never speak to him again. I hope that the above revalation gives you the motivation you need. Good luck!

[Beec]

thoughts, sorry you are going through this, but I also think that what you want is not goignt o come from this man as he is now. A man who does those things is a man who has put his time and efforts into the relationship, a man who has shown he cares about you. This man seems to have shown he cares about his drugs and booze and not you. Unless he can show that you are the priority, you should think you are not.

 

Hope you muster up the courage to do what you need to do. Hope he musters up what he needs to become the man he should be.

[TheRedQueen]

Don't think, just DO.

 

If you don't, flash-forward 20 years to you and him still together living a life of misery.

 

I have faith in you, now it's time for you to have faith in yourself.

 

You CAN DO IT!!!!

[thoughts]

He is NOT seeking treatment, nor feels he needs it. It's just awful. He hasn't slept at our apt in 2 nights. I KNOW I need to just leave and not look back - I have just invested so much time, money and love and it just SUCKS! you would think he would have the decency to sit down and talk about this. I have tried...said maybe we just need to go our separate ways - he says, I am moving forward with or with you - makes me get upset like I am giving up on us. I KNOW it's emotional abuse - he NEVER makes me feel good. I have self-esteem problems to boot. BUT, come on - I feel like the only way I will get out is if he gets hit by a truck - how awful is that???

[rmpavlock]

It doesn't sound like he's going to be the doting husband you want. It doesn't sound like he's going to be one who will stay by you when you are sick. The longer you stay with HIM, the longer you wait to find the one who WILL treat you the way you want to be treated. Look at it this way. It might suck to be alone for awhile, but at least when you are alone you are free to find someone better.

[Beec]

Any power he has over you is power that you are giving to him, unless he is using physical threats or violence. If someone insults you, and it bothers you, that's because you let it bother you.

 

He is not changing or willing to change. So, that leaves it up to you. If he is not coming back, then why not just change the locks and leave his stuff in boxes outside the door?

[shes2smart]

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

 

I used to be involved with an alcoholic. It was a lot of drama, a lot of back and forth, a lot of me footing the bill for everything....in short, a lot of the same things you're describing.

 

All the way up to the similarity in difficulty booting his butt to the curb and not looking back that you're having.

 

What finally did it for me was something so small, yet so profound, that it accomplished what literally years of pain, fights, drama and my friends telling me what a loser he was couldn't do.

 

I was writing in my journal, when I made the following observation:

 

"I have now been involved with B for # of years. It occurs to me that I have spent 2/3 of the time I have been with B trying to leave him. Do I really want to be sitting here this time next year and find myself writing, 'I have spent 3/4 of the time I have been with B trying to leave him?'"

 

Turns out the answer to that question was a resounding "No."

 

Somehow, seeing it in those terms that I scrawled in my journal (2/3 of the entire time I'd been with him I was trying to get out???) was the thing that made the light bulb go on.

 

That was, oh, a good 8-9 years ago now.

 

I'm now married to an addiction-free guy who is the doting husband and responsible partner I really wanted and we have a strong, healthy and relatively problem and drama-free relationship.

 

The last time I heard anything, my alcoholic ex ("B") is still actively addicted and shacked up with his parents. He's 44 years old and can't get or hold anything better than a minimum wage, unskilled job...when he bothers to be employed.

 

I'd say I'm in a much better place having left him when I did.

[TheRedQueen]

He is NOT seeking treatment, nor feels he needs it. It's just awful. He hasn't slept at our apt in 2 nights. I KNOW I need to just leave and not look back - I have just invested so much time, money and love and it just SUCKS! you would think he would have the decency to sit down and talk about this. I have tried...said maybe we just need to go our separate ways - he says, I am moving forward with or with you - makes me get upset like I am giving up on us. I KNOW it's emotional abuse - he NEVER makes me feel good. I have self-esteem problems to boot. BUT, come on - I feel like the only way I will get out is if he gets hit by a truck - how awful is that???

thoughts, this whole scenario isn't "something that's just happened to you", rather it's something you've been doing to yourself.

 

You have options here, many, many options and it's time for you to realize that by not leaving him, you are essentially choosing to remain and suffer in this relationship.

 

What do you want, do you want to be happy? Do you want a better life?

 

If the answer to these questions is yes, then you know what you need to do.

[Ash]

Yes, you WILL find somebody else. Fear of thinking you're going to be alone for the rest of your life is normal but in general unfounded. So many people were afraid of the same thing, but almost without exception they find somebody better.

[Day_Walker]

Well the problem is that unless he is making positive changes in his life he is just going to drag you down with him and if you stay knowing that then that is your choice. You can go down with the ship or you can swim to shore, and of course swimming to shore will take more work than going down with the ship.

[thoughts]

i mean... why i am still so concerned about where this leaves him is beyond me. i know i will be ok. i just know that he really doesn't think i WILL actually leave. i have threatened to, if things didn't change and then it was on this site that i was acting trying to cause a particular reaction - which never happened. i thought about going to ALANON meetings or maybe some codependency group - i realize it is MY problem. why i would want to be with someone who treats me so poorly. and why i think anybody guy or gal that is nice to me is looking to get something from me. i try to remember that i am nice to people and love people without expect the same in return, but i constantly live life waiting for the other shoe to drop - sometimes it's never going to - until i pull it on to my head. is there someplace i can seek physical help. i am in therapy (once a week) but, short of hiring somebody to physically remove me by my hair - something prevents me from leaving. it's almost like i want the pain. and i most certainly don't!

[Ash]

Would it be easier to leave when he wasn't actually at home? Maybe if he were to go away for a day or two you'd find it easier to physically get out of there.

 

Do you at least have a place identified that you can go to, and people around you who know about the situation? They can help.

[ImThatGirl]

I've been there - or at least in a similar situation.

 

Almost 6.5 years ago...

 

My son's father was both an alcoholic and drug addict before I met him and while we were together and now 6.5 years after leaving him, most likely still is. I paid for most everything, I did everything for my son, I did everything around the house while he was either with friends or passed out someplace in our house.

 

Throughout the six years, I've wondered if I made the right decision. I still am sad that he seems like a "lost soul." A soul that will never be completely happy like he's searching for something but will never find it because he digs himself further in a hole of drugs and darkness.

 

My son only visits him a few hours a week. Each time we turn the corner to go to his "house," my son questions if daddy's house is actually a house (not the nicest.) His gf's 3 "messy" kids come running out to greet us by their not so good cars.

 

Now - that explanation of his living arrangements is not to talk down about him. It's just to point out that typically, a drug user or alcoholic is not going to have the same goals or desires.... I wanted to offer my children more and I am alone. I wish he could have changed to come on this ride with us, but he just didn't want more....

[shes2smart]

Perhaps you could look into some short-term individual counseling to help you figure out what you need to figure out?

 

That being said, I'd look as counseling more as a "figure it out so I don't end up in this situation again" than "figure it out so I can move on right now." You don't need to figure it out to remove yourself from the situation.

 

There are reasons why you stay. There were reasons why I stayed as long as I did. A lot of my reasons had to do with my own beliefs about what I felt I deserved (which wasn't much) and my own desires regarding the relative "controlability" of my partner....'cause God knows, you can't control an addict.

 

Your reasons may be different than mine, they may share some similiarities. Right now, it's enough to know you DO have reasons that make some sense in your internal logic, even though they are not the healthiest options for you. If we're not in the habit of making emotionally healthy decisions for ourselves, it feels really weird and difficult when we decide to start making healthier decisions for ourselves.

 

But working through those difficulties and doing what we know is healthier (even if it doesn't "feel right") is part of the process of changing those habits.

[flower99]

first- YOU ARE NOT A COWARD (positive self talk) (;

You are building up the courage.

You know what he is & you know he's not going to change

Keep reminding yourself of all you want & all you deserve.

 

Pack your things & don't look back. Keep your eyes forward.

Don't see it as time wasted, but a lesson in life.

But get out fast.

You are strong & very smart. You see what is going on & you can get out anytime. Life is precious & too short to waste being abused.

Do yourself a favor & save yourself

Perssue a better life. The one you desire & dream of, you deserve it.