Computer/video games - how to break the addiction?

[caro33]

I know I saw something about this elsewhere, but can't find the thread.

 

Husband can't be weaned off computer games, or at least he seems to be losing his capacity to judge what's reasonable behaviour and keep to it. He used to play a lot of XBox but I was generally okay with that because I got chance to read/do other things, and I was also able to communicate with him when he played; he was quite able to do both at once. He was also aware of the time he spent playing and was good about it.

 

New laptop and new game - this one involves him being plugged in to the computer with noise reducing headphones, so I am shut out. He means well, but has been playing this one a lot and it really bugs me. Time just seems to be going differently when he's on this one...hours slip by every night.

 

Now given I lose him a couple of nights and a full Saturday each week for his martial arts, I think that quality time in what's left does not include at least a couple of hours after work on this game. I got so irritated today about last night that I cracked it and left the house to come to work. I said we both needed some alone time. And today is a public holiday here...

 

So those of you who are addicted to games, what do you think would cause the best effect to get you to ration your behaviour? Any suggestions about how can I express myself, get my needs met and have him have his games within reason WITHOUT getting cranky?

[KileOriginal]

Just tell him straight up and honestly how you feel.

 

Don't get angry or anything like that, just tell him that you feel isolated and alone when he's playing the games that much. The headphones don't help either cause they emerse him even more and make you feel more alone.

 

Is there any stresses in his life that he may be trying to escape away from?

 

Let him know that you love him and want his attention.

[annie24]

hm... ok, I'm not in your situation, so I don't know... but maybe frame it not that you want him to spend less time with your videogames, but more time with you. like, just say that you want to spend friday night with just him, on the town. or something.

 

yes, I am wondering also, is he having some troubles in real life?

[freedom]

maybe

"the computer games are effecting our relationship. i am feeling neglected and i dont want to compete against a computer. Can we make some time for just us?"

 

You cannot stop him from doing what he wants to do (if it is an addiction) he will just get cranky.

I got off it by not installing it and found there is more to life.

[caro33]

Thanks guys.

 

Erm.... re what's happening in his life right now, we got married around 3 weeks ago.

 

But we are happy and all that, he's just one of those introvert video game types. He loves his movies, books, games, anything that takes him out of the everyday. I do think he uses these things to live his life instead of actually living it to some degree, but it's his personality rather than a short term response he has had to an external factor. I married him knowing that.

 

Yes, I will keep talking to him, and will reiterate my wishes. I guess my concern is that it's a slippery slope. He's all sorry for shutting me out, and he watches himself, and I try to be accommodating. Then one day I will find that he seems to be pushing it too far and I get grumpy. A cycle.

 

I suppose my real concern is that I kind of feel like I need to come up with a more 'worthy' time use for us when we're at home, and I don't like that that is what I have to do to avoid the 'default' game playing. Why can't we just sit around together sometimes and it not feel like he is killing time between games?

 

Oh it's not so bad, I am over-reacting to a degree, it's tapping into past issues for me I suppose. He is actually really good for putting me first when we actually have something to do. I might have to just put up or shut up on the 'recreation time around the house' matter and get my own hobby!

[MacGyverRI]

The challenge of a new game can be making him do it.

 

My ex wife used to put on some Vickies secret stuff and sit next to me. Well, I'm no fool....

[Jjasonn28]

Perhaps its completely out of the question, but have you ever considered, or suggested playing some of these games with him?

 

I would consider myself somewhat of a 'gamer', but in my case the thing I enjoy most about it is the social aspect of it. I play online games, and through the wonders of technology, (ie. Teamspeak) I have met and formed friendships with many people around the world.

 

I was very supprised not only at the number of women playing these games, but also at the number of couples who play together.

 

Just a suggestion. I do understand how you feel. If it is something that you have absolutely no interest in, or for whatever reason it wont work out, I suggest the direct approach. But be careful though. Even though they are just 'video games', do not belittle their significance to him. When you speak about how you would like to perhaps spend more time with him, dont speak aggresively and negitevely about them. This will most likely cause him to be defensive about them, and cause tension.

 

Also realize, that if it is a new game, his attention to it is very peaked. I dont know why it is like that, it just is. Some of us guys are just rediculous that way. I dont mean to pigeon-hole every guy of course, but there is a great handy man analogy I like to use. If you want a guy, to fix the roof, or build a shelf, buy him a shiny new saw. If you give him time, It wont be very long before his interest in that game will decrease. That being said... the next new game that comes along may just have him back in his 'zone'.

 

Now Im not trying to defend him either in this case. If it is taking time away from the two of you being close, then something should be done. My first approach would to try to find a comprimise.

 

Just my 2 cents...

[jbn0810]

What game is it that he is playing? I used to be addicted to World of Warcraft, and I have a lot of experience with other games. I'd play 5+ hours everyday, now I haven't played any online games in months.

[forza2]

I can write a little computer virus for you

 

JK, I wont even if you pay me..., or will I?

 

Just talk to him and make him realize that he's married and is grown up but still some video game is good as its a great way to bring down stress

[cherishthepain]

video games Playing video games requires less energy, while offering competitions and fantasies without consequences and risks that exist in the real life. I think that is what makes video games so addictive to the less-active young guys. In return, it does take up a lot of time. But don't get frustrasted.

 

Know what you are up against with:

-If he plays those games with short cycles ( usually First Person Shooter games with rounds like Counter Strike and Halo) then I guess it is ok to wait for him to stop playing, though it might take him 1 or 2 hours before he stops playing. However, you can also easily distract him from playing those games with more interesting stuffs .

-You just have to watch out for the role playing games, and massive Multiplayer Online role playing games ( such as world of warcraft and the likes) which will take up even more of his time ( 3 - 5 hours a day at least) and a lot of attention. This is due to the continuous competitive nature of the role playing games as they do not end in "rounds". However, it does not neccessarily mean that the game is more important to him than you are. There are usually "break times" when people play role playing games, take advantage of those I often stop playing when my girlfriend annoys me enough to get my attention, yet not feeling mad at her at all.

 

From what you said about him playing XBox and such, i figure that you guys are still pretty young, and playing video games is part of what young guys do in their free time. Like others said, he will get bored of that game, and eventually bored of playing games. It is a part of growing up, so just give him time while also try to help him realize that playing games too much is not attractive trait for a man

[Juliana]

You are wrong if you think quietly talking about it will help. This type of guy can get very devoted to their game worlds. I would be completely upfront; this is utterly unacceptable, and that's all there is to it. Tell him that since you are newly-weds, you're expecting a certain degree of "thereness" out of him. The fact that he is in the house just isn't cutting it; he is less communicative than a cat while he's playing those games. You didn't get married to sit next to some turnip-head on a computer.

 

Although game time seems to run slower than real time, so tha it feels like he's only been playing for 15 minutes when he's actually been on for an hour, real time is where we live. He will have to ration his time on the games, and he is responsible for doing that himself. If he doesn't, have a fight that rips the walls down. Make it an issue. Because walking quietly around this issue does nothing at all for this problem, which is, in essense, selfishness.

[caro33]

Yes, agree with you (again) Juliana. I certainly didn't look to take on a computer turnip-head type and I completely agree he needs to ration himself. We're meant to be equals here. I can't imagine the tables turned with me just zoning him out every night to sit next to him with headphones on. I would be aware of what I was doing.

 

I hadn't realised how truly irritated this made me - I am still not over it. He came home early last night (well 8.20pm or so) from training 'to spend time with me' and I still couldn't warm to him. It's all still about tuning out to TV. Poor guy, he's trying to be nice. I'll be better by tonight.

 

Anyway, I am not holding back my disapproval about this because it IS selfishness, and I need to send a message.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses. Actually it's more embarrassing than you have imagined. We're mid-30s, not youngsters, and he's playing some geeky Rome battle game by himself on his laptop. I was quite happy to play XBox with him in the past (but not all the time) but this game shuts me out completely.

 

I would be quite happy to kill off the TV, laptop and XBox and actually live our lives. Perhaps the challenge is for me to set an example and go live MY life, as well as getting him more enthused for stuff for us to do together that is not at home.

[caro33]

Oh and Jjasonn28, I think you might be right re this being a new game. Whenever he gets a new one he's quite full-on. But this Rome thing has lasted a few weeks now, and we may be old but we are still newly-weds. I'm hoping he comes to the end of this cycle soon!

[freedom]

i am just wondering. Why have you decidied to change his habits now after the marriage? you knew he loves his games before you married him.

I hope you arent thinking that you can change his habit to what YOU like, cause you know that it doesnt work like that.

[caro33]

No no, it's not like that. The Rome thing has been since 2 weeks or so before the wedding, and ever since the wedding. He hadn't been anything like that bad before, and the headphones were quite new. I don't have a problem with his past levels of game play, and he used to prioritise his things well.

 

In any event, had a chat to him about it the other night, and we've sorted this out (for now!).

[emit_remmus]

Give him other stuff to do. I'm always busy with work, school, and friends, I only have maybe 4 hours a week to devote to World of Warcraft.

 

Funny thing happened today, I was in one of the campus computer labs today and I saw 4 dudes browsing World of Warcraft forums.

[Zaphod]

or...... get better at the game than he is.

 

That'll make him stop playing it (lol).

[Aurian]

I'm a gamer myself and its easy to get a bit carried away. A few things to do is to set limits on when and how much I will play. Also, it might be a good idea to limit games to just the X-box (fewer games and as you said, that system doesn't make you feel as shut out).

 

I would suggest you try renting a two-player game or two. Then you can play something together (either cooperatively or vs) and he'll have a game fix and you'll have done something together with him. (I kick * * * in racing games, but he booted mine at fighting and hockey!)

[caro33]

Thanks guys but the thread was from months ago and we sorted it out.

 

He now does what I ask him, and I try and be reasonable. It seems to work. He's back to the Xbox and is very good about checking with me about what's appropriate.

 

I am also trying to be extra generous now because when the baby comes later this year he won't get much of a chance to play anything.