Am Dating a wonderful man but am struggling to come to terms with his decadent past

[sunshinecoast]

I am hoping for some advice concerning a problem I am facing in my relationship.

 

I am gay and having a long distance relationship with a man who is really a very special guy. We see each other only about once every two months - sometimes less. I know he loves me a lot and that he treasures me. We are blessed in many ways in our relationship. I am looking at moving to his country next year so that I can start a new life with him.

 

The problem is that I am feeling a sense of doubt creeping into my mind.

He has never had a serious relationship before. I know that many people haven't and I don't think it would bother me at all if it weren't for the fact that he has slept with what he says are 'hundreds of men and women' before me. I am struggling to come to terms with this. The issue that he has bisexual tendencies is tricky enough to digest but the issue which unsettles me most is that his approach to sex seems to be no different to 'dining out'.

 

At first I was very reluctant to go into the relationship as this was a big concern of mine - but he won me over and I gave in and shut the nagging problem out of my thinking. I, on the other hand, have been with about 10 people and I have been in 2 serious long term relationships.

 

I keep on thinking of that saying that 'a Leopard doesn't change his spots' and I have a fear welling up inside of me that eventually - be it 2 months or 2 years, he will eventually get bored and need to resume his highly sexed lifestyle of sleeping around.

 

I know that the past is in the past.

I am happy with him as a person and he is fantastic and he tries very hard in our relationship, but I am concerned that his past is a sign of patterns / needs / desires inside of him which neither I nor anyone else can prevent him from. Can I really excite him to sustain a life of monogamy?

 

He is also highly flirtatious. We have spoken about this problem and he is trying to curb his flirtatiousness to make me feel better as he saw how unsafe it made me feel.

 

I am trying to identify where my feeling of doubt is coming from.

In some bizarre and peverse way, am I jealous that he has slept with all of these people? I can be jealous - like anyone - but I have been in a serious relationship for 3 years prior to my current boyfriend and I can't remember feeling so jealous or unsafe.

 

My boyfriend also says things which unsettle me. He will talk about hot people who are 'into' him and he told me about a 'f*ck buddy' that he had to brush off when he and I started becoming serious.

He also has friends all over the world who want to fly in and stay with him for a couple nights at a time. This hasn't happened since we have been dating seriously though but I know that they still want to hook up with him.

I don't want him to stop having meaningful friendships at all!

But I am trying to come to terms with the fact that all of these people are ex-flings / short-term boyfriends and there is a doubt in my mind as to how platonic these are.

 

I obviously don't like feeling anxious and lately, if I am not careful I can slide into anxiety about the whole thing. I don't want to create a problem if it isn't there. I know he is committed to our relationship as he always tells me that. I am trying to look to the future with a sense of hope that he won't repeat his old ways. I suppose that as his boyfriend I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I am moving my whole life for this boy and it isn't a problem for me to do that but I am scared I am going to get there and be hurt. I have reasoned that it is logical for me to take these issues into account and resolve them before I move.

 

I would like to know if anyone has been in a similar situation?.....do you have any advice? I would be appreciative.

[Scout]

How long have you two been together, how old is he, and how many times have you seen each other in person?

[Clementine orange]

oooh yeah - jealousy - 'tis the green eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds upon.

 

All Shakespeare aside, I personally think that someone can change. If they truly want to. Also that love has a way of making someone change. If you have made it clear that you cannot be in a relationship with someone that treats sex as a buffet (whatever, you know what I mean) and if he truly loves you then he will change.

 

I would be more concerned about the fact that you only see him once every 2 months or so - I think that would make me unhappy and insecure. Is it is LDR?

[sunshinecoast]

thank you for the replies! Yes it is a LDR and we have been together pretty much since March this year - so 8 months. He is 27 and I am the same age. We have only spent time together in person twice...so I guess that blows my two month visiting average out the water!

[Scout]

Yes, I think part of your understandable concern is that you don't *really* know if he could abstain from his previous past behavior, simply because you aren't there on the day to day basis needed to get a better feel for things.

 

You'd definitely be taking a risk, regardless of his past, by moving to be with someone you really haven't been with in person that often. And when you add the other factors in, it does seem to heighten the risk.

 

I am a firm believer that people can learn from their past and realize previous approaches and behaviors are detrimental, and thus, stop doing them. What concerns me a bit about your guy is you say he's still very flirty. That doesn't exactly sound like he's made a quantum leap ahead of his past, to be quite candid.

 

But, I could be wrong.

 

Nevertheless, even if he wouldn't cheat on you, would it still bother you to witness him being very flirty in front of you? Be honest with yourself about this. Because it would definitely be an issue that arises once you're living in the same location he is.

[Scout]

I am trying to identify where my feeling of doubt is coming from.

 

It seems pretty clear-cut to me. His past, his comments about "hot" people, and his tendency to be very flirty.

[n83]

Wait, you two have seen each other twice in almost a year?? I'm confused about that..

 

Either way, it seems as though he shouldn't be flirting and/or telling you about former f*ck buddies.. that's just tactless and silly. It almost seems like he's trying to make you jealous by telling you about his Romp Around The World fest.

 

The bottom line is, whether or not he's going to cheat on you is almost irrelevant. It's more important that you are having a hard time trusting him. That could be paranoia, but I'd rather think of it as gut instinct... If you really feel that you have reason to worry, maybe you shouldn't be with him. Because a) either you're over-worried and paranoid or b) you have reason to worry and both options merit reconsidering the relationship..

It sounds like a hard decision to make either way... I hope everything works out for you!!

[TheRedQueen]

I am moving my whole life for this boy and it isn't a problem for me to do that but I am scared I am going to get there and be hurt. I have reasoned that it is logical for me to take these issues into account and resolve them before I move.

 

Don't move. After reading your post, I'm highly skeptical of this guys ability to commit.

 

Boys will be boys, but everyone's got to grow up sometime, and I just don't think his time has come yet.

[sunshinecoast]

thank you for the advice! Yes we have only seen each other twice so far this year. It is a long distance relationship and we spend a lot of time communicating by phone and online.

I have realised that I would find it very diffficult to be with someone so flirtatious. It is already chipping away at my self-esteem and I need to nip it in the butt before it's too late. There has to be a middle ground where we both can have an understanding if this is going to work.

[Batya33]

You have had two dates with this man. He is a stranger to you and the facts you do know - and about his recent past, not his distant past - seem to put you at risk emotionally and health-wise (i.e. STDs). I think it is very difficult to be objective when you have a crush and to act consistently with your values, but you do have to question his comments without being confrontational.

 

For me, I would not want to date someone who thought it was appropriate after two dates to tell me he had been with another woman "just for sex" - I would find the fact that he told me disrespectful to me, possibly disrespectful to the woman and a sense of bragging about that behavior or at least being ok with referring to a past lover in that way. If we had been dating seriously in person for several months and he needed to tell me that for a reason that made sense, then, perhaps but I would see that as a red flag. There are red flags all over the place here. What is "wonderful" about him and how would you know about his "wonderful" character after only two dates? I hope you haven't been intimate with him yet given his past.

[sunshinecoast]

I know I'm going to get shouted down for this but we have been intimate. We were both tested for all STD's etc before we got together and were both negative for everything thankfully. We both decided not to use protection to show each other that we are committed to each other. He isn't a monster and I know he would never want to make me sick. Because we see each other so rarely, by not using protection, we figured it was the way he and I could both assure each other that we aren't fooling around and are loyal to each other only.

[Batya33]

I hope that both of you had been celibate completely for 6 months at least prior to being tested because of course the tests are not effective before that time. Sounds like he was not. In my humble opinion having unprotected s_x has nothing to do with commitment or substantive feelings in this case - my guess is you were desperate and needy and seeking his approval - wanting to differentiate yourself from all the others. That has to do with your apparently low self-worth not with any true feelings. I hope you get some help on this other than through a message board.

 

As far as whether he is a monster, it sounds like you slept with him the first or second time you met him. That qualifies as sleeping with, basically, a stranger. You have no idea about his character, safe s_x practices, etc. - and what you do know is that he has this "decadent" past - and in the recent past. Please don't excuse this behavior in the name of "commitment" - if you do so, you likely will do this again.

[caro33]

I know I'm going to get shouted down for this but we have been intimate. We were both tested for all STD's etc before we got together and were both negative for everything thankfully. We both decided not to use protection to show each other that we are committed to each other. He isn't a monster and I know he would never want to make me sick. Because we see each other so rarely, by not using protection, we figured it was the way he and I could both assure each other that we aren't fooling around and are loyal to each other only.

 

Sorry, but this sounds sweet but oh so wrong. You barely know this guy! He might be truly wonderful, he might not be. He might be 'safe', but he might not - yes STDs can take months to show up. He might be wonderful AND not be safe, how do you align all that? We are talking about your LIFE here, your health, why risk that? I assume you have heard stories from friends, in the media, the movies - people can lie, they make mistakes. Why risk so much so soon?

 

I think that what Batya said sounds harsh - but I also think she sounds spot on. But I'll leave that there, water under the bridge. But please think about it seriously for the future.

 

Re your original question, please take the time to look after yourself, and listen to your instinct here. You sound like on some level you are baulking at this move, and the commitment it entails. From an outside perspective, this sounds completely reasonable given what you've told us.

 

When you've been together, what's the longest time spent together? As in, how long spent in the same town/city?

[sunshinecoast]

I do appreciate all the response. I found Batya's advice quite hard hitting as I don't feel desperate at all though I have taken your points all on board. The longest we have been together in physical space is 2 weeks. We communicate so often though - sometimes 10 times a day and we are very present in each other's lives - albeit not in an ideal way.

[Juliana]

I'm sorry: "nip it in the butt" -- that's so cute. Actually, it's nip it in the bud. I love it when people make these slips of the tongue. A friend of mine once went into a hardware store and asked for an "ovulating fan." (She meant oscillating).

 

Okay. Down to earth now. Yeah, the sex wasn't a good idea, and you are at risk; do you know for a fact he was tested? Get yourself tested more frequently for the next while.

 

I know everyone says that past behaviour predicts future behaviour, but if that were true, no one would ever make any progress in their lives. He may genuinely want to settle down, even if he's been the most popular boy around! Everybody ages, nobody wants to be alone. If he has come to a point in his life where he can make a commitment and stick to it, it doesn't matter what he's done in the past. Some people (ahem, not going to say anything about my own past) can really turn their lives around.

 

What you need to worry about isn't the past, it's the present. If he does anything that causes you concern in the present, take it very, very seriously. And go slowly, or you risk getting yourself over-invested in the relationship too soon.

 

Good luck with the tests.

[Batya33]

I respectfully disagree when it comes to STDs - with respect to that past behavior is extremely relevant and apparently being mostly ignored here by the OP.

[Juliana]

With regard to STD's yes, it matters how many people his lover (and he, for that matter) have slept with. And I am even more concerned that his lover may only have said he was tested. Some people think of the test almost superstitiously, and if they think they are healthy, they may not want to get tested, but will tell other people they have been -- because they are sure they're healthy. Except really, they are infected, they just don't feel anything yet.

 

So yeah, he should get tested. I would suggest every three months for a couple of years. That should put him in the clear, if his lover is monogamous from this point on.

 

Can he be monogamous? Of course he can. Whether he will or not is up to him. But that's what trust is all about. It doesn't matter whether or not someone has slept with 10 people or a thousand; if they decide they're going to be monogamous, they can do that. Just as people can decide to quit drugs, and stay quit, smoking and stay quit, drinking and stay quit, people can stop having random sex with all kinds of people -- it's not a fairy tale; it can happen. Whether or not it will happen is something that remains to be seen, and the OP should pay attention to what's going on, and not indulge in wishful thinking, just in case his lover has a "relapse."

[Batya33]

Yes, anyone can change but at the early stage of a relationship it is a good time to step back and, objectively as possible, decide what the level of possibility is that the person will change particularly if the change is in a dramatic way. Nothing is certain but risks can be weighed. From how he described the man's comments, behavior, etc it doesn't sound like he is focused on changing in the short term or the long term.

[caro33]

I do appreciate all the response. I found Batya's advice quite hard hitting as I don't feel desperate at all though I have taken your points all on board. The longest we have been together in physical space is 2 weeks. We communicate so often though - sometimes 10 times a day and we are very present in each other's lives - albeit not in an ideal way.

 

Okay, two weeks spent together. I'm afraid that that is not really long enough to get a sense of what someone's like once they've relaxed a bit . Two weeks is still a 'trying to impress' honeymoon period.

 

But anyway...

 

This move you're making, when is it planned for? Have you been to his country before? Do you know anyone else there? Will there be cultural or job issues for you?

 

What are you going to do about your life back home? Put it on hold to perhaps come back to, or just pick up stumps and start again in the new place?

 

What I'm trying to get at here is that the more you plan for YOU and not some idealistic vision of YOU AND HIM, the safer you'll be. If it were me I would probably not move country but organise to spend 4-6 weeks with him on holiday, at his place. Go there while he's living his life as per normal, with the usual job stressors etc. Go watch him in his natural environment, it might help you understand what you're getting yourself into here...

[sunshinecoast]

I have considered all of those aspects and am ensuring I won't be going there just for him but that it makes sense for my life in terms of work and other dimensions too. Thank you for the concern and advice. I am appreciative.

My main concern currently is trying to pin point why I am so affected by his promiscuous history. I think that if I can identify the source of the upset I can deal better with solving it and overcoming it.

I don't know if I am unusual in my being negatively affected by this - in which case the problem must lie with me and I will need to get councelling or something to have it addressed. It could be that those actions tell me he is a self-serving personality type or it could be that I am possessive and bizarrely think that by him sleeping with others in the past, somehow reduces my present importance to him?? If it is the latter then I must be screwed up.

[Batya33]

I would never want to date someone who had a past like this man you have had two dates with particularly if he did not regret it, made comments about it as you said he had, etc. His values would be inconsistent with mine, I would fear for my health and safety, and I would not want to be affiliated with someone who thought it was ok to behave that way and speak to me about it in the way he is. It sounds like you are "suffering" from a case of "self-respect" and his values and his behavior are challenging you to act consistently with your own values. I feel badly that you think it shows a weakness in you - rather it is your sense of self screaming out to you that you deserve better than a person who has such low regard for his health, safety, and that of others, and such low regard for the emotional and caring components of intimacy.

[caro33]

Sunshinecoast, I second Batya on this.

 

And the reason I am also talking about the other stuff, such as what he's really like etc, is that all of that will give you insight into what type of person he is, and whether his values really do conflict with yours. We are talking life choices and attitudes that permeate everything, this concern you have about promiscuity is unlikely to be able to be siloed off. Even if you COULD just compartmentalise it, the insight into how he lives his life otherwise (again, viewed in person) will help you see if you can trust him NOW.

[sunshinecoast]

Thank you Batya for your eloquence and getting to the heart of the matter so well and clearly. This is a very difficult situation for me because I do love him and in all other ways I am very happy in this relationship.

Because this is a LDR I have only the subtle things which he says for me to react to. For example when speaking about sex he sometimes won't speak about me and him together but rather his need for 'someone' to relieve him. I don't think he even realises it but I am very sensitive to the words he chooses now because of all of the warning bells that have already occurred. I am simply very scared to be hurt and on the face of it the risks seem so high. I believe that love can change people. I am going to trust because it is only right unless proven wrong. I feel like I will have to employ a large amount of faith in order to continue. I hope that I am not going to be hurt by him.

[Batya33]

With rare exceptions you cannot know whether you love a person based on only a few encounters particularly if there is sex involved which clouds things. You need at least 6 months of consistent in person time together to know if your love is based on reality.

 

I cannot help you because you are showing little regard for your health or emotions - you have to get the self esteem you seem to need on your own - until then my advice and others' advice is going to be filtered through your need to have this man want to be with you and approve of you - even if it risks your life and unnecesarily risks your heart - and I say unnecesarily because if you were able to see this from a perspective of self worth you would see that what he says does not sound in the least bit caring about you but is all about him and his need for sex.

[sunshinecoast]

I know it may seem your advice isn't being taken in. Thank you so much for it though. I think of it all the time and it is bubbling inside of me. I really am appreciative.

I am so utterly depressed at the moment I don't know what to do. I guess I am hoping this is one of those rare exceptions where many encounters aren't needed to know it is real.

But when he says these insensitive things I am knocked off balance. This is really affecting me, my work, my happiness - everything. I am so sad because I am in this place where I can see light in this relationship but also a portent of darkness from this huge problem of conflicting value systems. I am working overtime trying to unite these two approaches to life but I don't know how to do it. He believes it is healthy to have random sex with masses of strangers when the whim takes one and I do not. I keep thinking of him in threesomes he has had and with all of those arbitary people and any emotional progress I make is quickly destroyed. I have to find a way around this or I will go mad. I can feel it. I am only sending this post because it helps me work through this problem. Inside I have a hope that it can be overcome. I know you have given all the advice you can. Thank you.