My girlfriend likes to talk to other guys, is this cheating?

[dimstar]

if you weren't looking for someone else, then why were you on lavalife, and meeting guys in person?

 

 

I was not looking for someone else in my life to have a relationship with... it was wrong of me to go on there, but in fact all i was looking for was someone to hear my story and know that i have hurt in side.. i dont have many people to talk to.. i know that is wwrong.. i have had so much struggle with my boyfriend because of it... i only wish he can one day learn to trust me and love me again....

 

~

[Royltnxile]

Dimstar's girlfriend,

 

Why are you using Dimstar's account here on enotalone anyway? Do you use his accounts when you troll for other guys on the internet?

 

It always amazes me when I see threads that suddenly start turning up posts by "so and so's g/f or b/f". WT? Doesn't anyone have any privacy anymore? Why would you post asking for advice about an unfaithful partner, then let that partner read the thread? Doesn't make any sense!

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I was not looking for someone else in my life to have a relationship with... it was wrong of me to go on there, but in fact all i was looking for was someone to hear my story and know that i have hurt in side.. i dont have many people to talk to.. i know that is wwrong.. i have had so much struggle with my boyfriend because of it... i only wish he can one day learn to trust me and love me again....

 

~

 

I can see wanting to go on the internet to find people who you can talk to and hear your story. After all, isn't that why ENotAlone exists for in the first place?

 

WHERE you were going is what's suspictious. Lavalife is for 2 things. For people to meet each other to date and for Casual sexual encounters (the intimate section). No one who goes onto Lavalife is expecting to meet a friend, they're there to meet someone they can have a retionship with or to have sex with.

 

I'm sorry, I want to believe that you're the good person you said you were and that you made a mistake, but the fact that you lied to your boyfriend, the men you went on dates with and even brought your friends into the lies, sort of shows that you're backpedalling.

 

If you were looking for people to talk to about your problems, why were you lying to and decieving them by telling them that you were single and that your boyfriend was your ex? Even worse, when you boyfriend caught you in the act, why didn't you immediately end your date with this other guy and try to explain what you were doing to the man who is "only man that has ever treated me with respect and the love he has shown me"?

 

He obviously really cares for you, I don't know a single person who wouldn't leave on the spot after catching you in so many lies and on a date with someone else. I hope you realize you have a good man on your hands.

 

As for the real dimstar, man, if she even comes close to doing something like this again, do what everyone, including your girlfriend says, leave her.

 

My best wishes to both of you. But one last word of advice. If you need someone to talk to, try your boyfriend, if you can't share with him your problems, why are you with him after a year?

[dimstar]

Well, I did something really bad. I suspected my girlfriend was starting up her old ways again because she unblocked most of her old guy friends from MSN after we had an argument. I installed a spy program on her computer, well my computer, since she always uses that and all it took was one day of spying to see what she was doing.

 

This morning, she created a new Lavalife account, under Relationships and wrote in her profile she couldn't post her picture but would gladly send her pic if someone messages her. I then saw that she was smiling a whole bunch of guys again. It has started again and I don't know what to do. When I approached her, she said I was wrong for spying and I know what I did was wrong. First she said she did nothing wrong and was only looking at profiles. Only after I wanted her to leave because I can't keep giving her these chances did she begged for my forgiveness saying she made a mistake.

 

I treat her and her daughter with so much love and she still does all this nonsense behind my back. Should I talk with her or should I just forget about her and leave? I do love her daughter so much, she means the world to me and has even told me she wants me to be her daddy. What can I say? What can I do? My heart cannot be completely empty if I still think about her and her daughter but I do believe it's broken.

[RayKay]

dimstar,

 

I read through your thread, and read your latest post and my advice is....

 

Forget the talking to her; it is time to leave. She KNOWS what she is doing is wrong, heck she even came on this thread and read it! But, she is either learning that you will put up with it, or just does not care and will justify it however she wants.

 

How many chances does one really need, and I think to have a talk with her only reinforces how unfair it is, because you should NOT have to convince someone that going on dating sites when they are WITH YOU is wrong!

 

Shows really where her mind is at if she blames YOU for spying, the only think she feels bad for is getting caught...again.

 

How does she make mistake after mistake after mistake and not learn? Because she is choosing not too, and she is hiding behind her own excuses to not have to change either. Sorry, time to walk....and not let her keep walking all over you.

 

After a long discussion, she knows what she did was very wrong and has told me it just hit her that she really could have lost me. She doesn't ever want to put me through that again, and I believe her. And, yes I do believe in myself that if it happens again, that will be it. I don't think I can take another heart break.

Apparently all she learned from that was to try and hide it better. Seriously, if you DON'T break it off this time, she is just going to learn to hide it even better, and really realize how much she can take advantage of you. So do what you said above, and END IT this time,

[dimstar]

RayKay,

 

I thought it would be so easy just to let go and leave. She doesn't want me to leave, she says she is the only one she wants to spend her life with and that she was just looking up old friends on Lavalife. Even her mom called me and asked me just to take a break but don't leave. Her mom said we need to work this out, even her mom loves me to pieces after how well I treated all of them.

 

Right now, I am taking a break for the day. I'm not going to talk with her for the day because all it's causing is more hurt. I thought I could be strong and just end it but I'm finding it really difficult because she keeps telling me she doesn't want me to leave. What else can I do? I have no-one else to talk to, if I tell my family and friends, they'll probably just come over and kick her out themselves but I do feel I need to do something on my own. Am I really so gutless or what is it that makes me want to give her a chance?

[annie24]

I think if you stay with her still, you are a fool. she is looking for other men, you have caught her red handed many times.

 

like the saying goes, "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me."

 

if you care about yourself, you will break up with her and never look back.

[chocolady]

Why is she even signing up to look at profiles? When I join up, I check out the men for possible dating, not to look for a man who looks like a good listener.

 

And think about this dimstar (and his gf)...Men don't join these sites to be a shoulder to cry on. They join when they want to leave behind all the drama's in their life, meet a new woman and move on and be happy in life. They are looking for "Long Term Relationships" or "Dating" Oh and then of course there's the other type of guys, looking for an "Intimate Encounter".

 

None of those guys are looking for a needy woman with a sob story and a boyfriend to "talk" to.

[RayKay]

Hmm, as a former lavalifer I will say absolutely that the men she talks to are not interested in being an ear for her to talk to...(besides, is that not what YOU are for?).

 

She told you she did not want you to leave before too and before that and....and guess why she says it? Because she knows it WORKS on you! She KNOWS you will stay, and next time she will hide it better.

 

I am not sure what YOUR idea of commitment is, but I should hope you have the general idea it is not someone whom pulls stunts like this and THEN apologizes for it. Really, she should be committed enough not to do it in the first place.

 

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me...fool me more than that...well, you decide...but, seriously she is NOT committed to you or showing any true effort or faithfulness towards you or this relationship.

 

P.S. You are not dating her mom, so honestly, you have to keep what her mom wants out of the equation.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Hmm, as a former lavalifer I will say absolutely that the men she talks to are not interested in being an ear for her to talk to...(besides, is that not what YOU are for?).

 

Quoted for truth. I'm a lavalifer and I can honestly say I am not looking for someone who I can talk to.. I'm looking for a potential partner.

 

So, let me get this straight, she got caught by you less than a month ago and she's at it AGAIN? I'm sorry, once can be explained as a stupid mistake, but twice, three times? I don't think so.

 

If you forgive her, the only message you're sending is that you'll keep on forgiving her everytime she does this. Will you forgive her the first time she sleeps with someone? Because if she's looking around on lavalife and smilling at men there, it will happen eventually. She's not likely to stop anytime soon and I'm sorry, her excuses are complete BS.

 

It honestly sounds like she's looking around for someone else and staying with you so she doens't have to be alone while she's doing it. She's using you man, get out while you still have a backbone.

 

My best wishes to you, I posted earlier and gave her the benifit of the doubt, now... Sorry, that doubt is gone, she's taken your trust and broken it. You might have spied on her, but she gave you a damn good reason to! After all, how can you trust someone for their word when they CONSTANTLY go behind your back lying to you and trying to talk to other men in a romantic setting? (lavalife, dates, etc)

[dimstar]

I have read every post and do appreciate all the comments and advice that have been given to me. It is humbling to know there are people out there that are willing to listen to your story, listen to your issues and give you some words of advice.

 

I thought it would only be fair if I shared what my girlfriend has been going through lately. She made a thread here:

 

She is dealing with her own demons and I'm not sure if what she does is out of her own pain. All I felt last night was anger, which turned into sorrow and tears and then back to anger. Since I promised myself I would leave if this continued again, I packed all her belongings and asked her to go. She would not leave, she begged for my forgiveness ... she was in a lot of pain and I was only adding to the pain. I eventually stopped because yelling was not helping the either of us.

 

I went to work this morning and she has gone out to look for help, help for her addiction, help for her chronic-pain. She has told me she does things she doesn't intend to do because of what she is going through, whether this is just another excuse, I'm not entirely sure. I do want her to get help, I do want her to get better but my heart keeps swaying back and forth ... part of me wants to be with her and help her, the other part tells me that she is just playing with me and putting the blame on her pain.

[Bethany]

my heart keeps swaying back and forth ... part of me wants to be with her and help her, the other part tells me that she is just playing with me and putting the blame on her pain.

 

When your heart can't help you, use your head.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I agree with Bethany, when your heart and head are in conflict, trust your head. Your heart won't want to let go, even if it ultimately is the best thing for your mental wellness. If you stay, you'll end up a basketcase from knowing beyond a doubt that you can't trust your girlfriend to go around behind your back.

 

I wish it wasn't so, and I have read her post you linked, but it is true.

[Mitchell1970]

This sounds very familiar to what I have just experienced with my girlfriend, with a few exceptions. She was at my house about a month ago using my computer, after she left I went to my computer to check my email but she had not logged out while checking her email. I don’t think it is right to look at other peoples email but it was blaring with emails from several guys. I found that she had joined Lava and had been sending nude photos of herself to several guys, with a desire to meet them (I am her boyfriend and have never seen these photos). In return these guys were sending nude photos to her also. In the emails there were plans to meet at different times in the future. I joined Lava to see her profile and she stated that she was single looking for single men or couples. By this time my heart had dropped to my feet because I really trusted her and would have never done anything to hurt her.

 

I called her while still in shock and told her what I had discovered from her email she had not signed out of. She was silent for a moment and told me she was doing this because she thought I was watching what she was doing since I bought her a computer for Christmas. So she joined Lava to see if I was actually using spyware to check on her internet activity. I wouldn’t talk to her for a few days but she kept calling and I finally talked to her. She said she was sorry and she would never do that again. Also, she told me that all the guys were from other states and she would have never actually met them. She deleted her profile from Lava the day I caught her. She told me that she didn’t think it was cheating unless she actually had sex with someone. I asked her if it would be ok for me to join a singles site and flirt with other girls and she said yes, as long as I didn’t follow through with a date (which I would never do because I have always been loyal when in a relationship). So I am having a very hard time understanding why she did this if she actually loves me.

 

I am trying my best to work things out with her because I really care for her, but I am having a very hard time trusting her now. I find my self second guessing everything that she says and wandering who she is talking to when I am not around. Actually the way I found this site was from doing a Google search for cheating girlfriends.

 

I apologize for such a long post but this is affecting my work, life etc.

 

Any comments or suggestions are appreciated, because I am too close to make a logical decision.

[Mejane_83]

As rose said, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.. it's probably a duck.

 

The lies and deception prove it. Get rid of her, she's just using you.

[midnightrambler]

i know a married woman who did the same thing....she DID meet one.

[Iceman26]

 

Any comments or suggestions are appreciated, because I am too close to make a logical decision.

 

She sends naked pictures of herself to other guys on the internet, and doesn't think that is cheating?

 

Leave her now and spare yourself the excuses and betrayal. She knew what she was doing was wrong or she wouldn't have hidden it from you.

[Mitchell1970]

Thanks for the comments. I talked to her today about the way I have been feeling about what she did. She apologized and told me she did it from her own insecurities, that she felt that she didn’t deserve me at that time. Again she assured me that she would never do anything like that again. But I am having a very hard time trusting her and second guessing everything she says.

 

The reason I care so much for this girl is because I felt totally comfortable around her, I have not let anyone get this close to me in many years, but the comfort level is rapidly changing. She was supposed to call me a couple of hours ago but didn’t so I called her on her cell and I could hear guys in the background. She said she was at her cousins so I am sure she will say the guys were family members. And maybe they are but at the point that I don’t believe her.

 

To make things worse I have made plans (before we started having problems) to take her and her children to the beach next week for their spring break. And right now I am really dreading that with the way I feel. But, it’s not her children’s fault and I hate to let them down

[Iceman26]

 

To make things worse I have made plans (before we started having problems) to take her and her children to the beach next week for their spring break. And right now I am really dreading that with the way I feel. But, it’s not her children’s fault and I hate to let them down

 

You have to do what is right for you, not what is right for her children. That is their dad's problem.

[metrogirl]

If a woman truly loves her b/f she would not seek the attention and friendship with so many different men. I could see if these were friends of hers before the two of you hooked up, but these are men that she is continuing to find and meet all behind your back. She is looking for something outside the relationship and as much as you love her and want to trust her, the bottom line is she can't be trusted. The fact that she left you outside while you were coming undone is testamant enough. She doesn't respect you and certainly doesn't respect your relationship. Let her go now, before you really fall apart. Cheating mates will only continue to cheat.

[kruddie]

Not too far of a situation man!! my thread is "my perdicament" check it out. some women are heartless u just gotta let em go before u end up gettign more hurt, heartbreak happens to everyone. You are not alone!!! love luv

[totallygay_1]

i know that this is not an easy thing ti di but i think that you shoud just get away from her... i mean an honest and sinsire guy like you shouldnt deal with that. You gave her a seond chance and she refuses to do the same thing over and over. If you really love her then hang in there and i wish you the best of luck but if you ever get tired of it im sure that there are lots of girls that is looking for a honest man like you..

 

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you figure it out!!

[princess_summer_blue84]

Oh sweety. I'm so sorry to hear this. Sweety I hate to say it but hon it's over. You caught this girl red handed. She lied to you over and over about it. She wasn't women enough to tell you the truth. Just take your time healing. As time goes by you will find your true soulmate. Good Luck with finding your true soulmate.

 

P.S. Try keeping yourself busy and NOT thinking of her or about her. Go out with friends keep your mind busy.

[SubliminalUser]

Well after 4 pages of posts telling you to kick her to the curb you probably don't need me telling you the same thing.

 

Look she obviously doesn't care for you like you care for her. Just break it before it becomes a toxic relationship. Don't let her try to talk her way into staying with you ether. She's obviously cheating on you, and you don't need that drama.

[princess_summer_blue84]

Well after 4 pages of posts telling you to kick her to the curb you probably don't need me telling you the same thing.

 

Look she obviously doesn't care for you like you care for her. Just break it before it becomes a toxic relationship. Don't let her try to talk her way into staying with you ether. She's obviously cheating on you, and you don't need that drama.

 

Amen to that! Well said!