Sound Off: Would you date someone who hadn't "come out of the closet"?

[MewSkitty]

I would date someone who hasn't revieled they are gay/lesbien/bi simple because me and my faince are both bi, and we never told each other until after we got engaged. XD

[mgirl]

Absolutely! Just because they're not out of the closet now, doesn't mean they won't come out later.

 

Besides, it's not important to me what somebody feels the need to announce to the world. What is important to me is how at terms they are with their sexuality.

 

Eventually of course, i would like to see them feel comfortable and operate in the world with their sexuality.

 

Coming to terms with your sexuality is the hardest thing and i think that sometimes people feel a compelling need to 'come out', thereby convincing themselves that if the world loves and accepts them, then they're okay.

 

Ultimately, you have to accept yourself regardless of what others think.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'm bisexual, and require any GF of mine to be *out* - I won't be something they couldn't even mention around their family/friends...talk about feeding my inferiority complex!

[shellshocked]

I'm wondering if anyone that has responded so far ever dated someone before they came out of the closet and kept it a secret. Just curious.

 

Like I said in my original response to this thread, I really don't think it's black and white....that you're either "in" the closet or "out" of the closet.

 

I can say, that I've never dated anyone that was in denial and totally hidden. (that, i would not do...)

 

But, me for example, I'm out to some people, but not out to others.

And I am, in my mind, in no way closeted.

 

I go to TONS of pride/gay events, I go to gay clubs, I walk down the street holding my girlfriends hand WHEREVER we are, we kiss...hug...and show affection in public, I get gay publications sent to my home, etc.

 

I'm out to my family.

I'm out to my friends.

I'm out to SOME people at work....but others, I choose not to discuss my personal life with...but at the same time I don't try to cover it up..

I just don't talk about it with them.....

[Tigris]

If I was interested in them I'd ask them out. It wouldn't make any difference that they weren't 'out' yet.

[babybabylove]

I would absoluty date someone who is not out yet! If after a year or so she was still hiding I may start to question it a bit, but just because someone is scared because of how they were raised etc. doesn't mean they would not love you. It's not fair to refuse someone that may be your soulmate just because they are scared...

 

:splat:

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I wouldnt because I think it would be an unfair relationship. If I was out and they weren't then I'd constantly be mothering- trying to support them, having to hold myself back and make sure they were comfortable. Basically at the mercy of their fear. Second I don't think any relationship like that could ever be equal. They'd feel guilty all the time because they weren't ready- then if and when they are finally ready sudden the whole relationship changes and I have to readjust to that. There's just too many unstable factors and too much to get wrapped up in that scenario.

 

I totally agree that you can support someone who is having trouble with coming out, but committing to a relationship with someone who is in a very different place to you and who is far more uncomfortable with who they are in public will cause trouble. If you are both in or out then no problem!!

[tobermoon]

After spending most of my adult life completely in the closet, I would have to say "yes". It is very likely that had I experience a romantic connection at a younger age, I would have come out much sooner.

 

Everyone has their own reasons for not coming out, if that is their decision. I have been out to close friends and even at my workplace, but my family is in the dark regarding my sexuality. If I was in a committed long term relationship, perhaps I would change that.

 

The hiding a partner from friends thing would bother me some, but I would definitely "date" someone with the hope that I could eventually become a part of their "other" life. I also think it would be nearly impossible and maybe unhealthy for a fully closeted person to have a LTR apart from their friends and family.

[xtina]

I would... no problem! but then i would try and get her out of the closet while dating and making her more confortable

[kadvati79]

Amongst my group of friends, I see so many people respond with fierce conviction they will not date someone who is not "out". Then, they meet that cute hot guy who isn't out yet and is a complete mess, throw caution to the wind, and then fall headlong in love with them, only to come crashing down.

 

I'm not trying to be cynical here, I just think that most of us would follow our hearts blindly when actually faced with that kind of situation.

[Spawn]

Yes i am dating one right now. i am her first and she has been very mature and very understanding.

 

I dunno wots so big issue abot this....to each his own.

 

If i hadn't asked this girl out i dunno i would have missed out on a sweet girl just for thinkin like that.

 

ha well if you don't like it just move on people....

[blueangel]

It would be weird if someone was always hiding in their closet all the time. I would find that creepy.

 

EDIT: Oh, I get it now.

 

If someone's embarrased of their self, they'll find reasons to be embarrassed of you...or annoyed later on, because you can't make things easier for them. They must overcome their roadblock themselves and commiting to them keeps them from changing as they are. Give some space and wait and- always somehow give love and support at least at the first level of friendship. But don't rush in or rely on them to be someone stable for you. They have a lot of growing to do in becoming comfortable and unashamed of who they are- so be an outlet for them, be a friend... but the moment you cross that line into something more, their insecurities on you they will vent and depending on your strength, your relationship may shift and shake and it might not make it afterall. Oh, I rhyme!

 

We teach people who to be. We teach others who we are. It's all a matter of learning and practice and only through acceptance can such practice be exercised. Not all of us give others the chance. You can help this person find the first level of accepting their self (through REAL and even intimate friendship of two souls trying to understand each other before they move onto being affectionate outwardly). If you commit to dating them full impact right away, it becomes false for them and confusing. Obviously, because they want to hide still in some way and some form. The form it is taking now is "hiding in the closet" about their sexuality which society DOES cause, but we all have our choices of who to be during difficult situations. The best way to be is anashamed and truthful no matter what- no matter even if one really doesn't know who they are, it is advisable to express their self truly nonetheless. Any form of hiding is only a sign of hiding greater things- like their heart. Do you want to date someone who does that?

 

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

I'm not gay. I don't have any gay friends. But before I've tried to imagine being straight in a mostly gay accepted world, I realized that I would look around me, and first contemplate that:

 

A. I'm different!

B. and then shout around, "But I like weaners!" everytime someone may tell me about how their same sex just... turns them on.

C. I don't mean to offend anyone's beliefs, but acceptance of ourselves and others is so much more important than discriminating. If there is indeed a God but at the same time, one with set morals and beliefs, then let Him judge us when we die. In the meantime, while we live, we must say to those prejudiced against us, "let me LIVE!" and then dance like a monkey or something.

D. I think there is a reason why the majority is "straight" and we were made that way to ensure reproduction... but not all loves transforms into reproduction, like friendships and so on, so not all people need to do so. It's like being left handed among right handed people. They may look at you funny and go, "haha! You write weird!" but they do it to make themselves feel better. If you are confident no matter what, already you are farther ahead in the peace of your soul than they are... and this leads to doing great things and having a great light. Confident people have a light about them that others follow and learn from if they can. Confidence brings others towards you- and that is the best way to use it... not simply for selfish gain, not ever for selfish gain.

-Reaching another's heart: That is more important because life shouldn't be so much about trying to define one's own self and using that to set up boundaries for how the rest of the world lives. Oh, why has this been done! -sigh- our world is so screwed up, dont ya think? We need to be together. I'm empathetic of all of you who have struggled most. Keep fighting for the future generations ahead. I know I will.

 

As long as free thought is an idea continuelly promoted, I think we'll be alright and we'll evolve without letting petty differences stand in the way of all of us, of our unity. What is different about one's self from another is only a part of one's self. It is not the whole. Those discriminated against or outcasted feel the truth of this the most. Without the darkness of life, we could not be lead to certain insights about life. Pain is necessary for growth, but it is not necessary to last forever... The answers to life are found within. Through the collective experience of human kind, this is being discoved slowly... while religions have let us down along with other people, but still, each new thing discovered on the outside, leads a person farther inward, and then lifted up.

[ForAnother]

Ok.

 

If I knew they were keeping a secret from everyone else, I would certaintly not date them. I don't even see the logic in dating someone like that. IMO just implies they have other things to hide... as if people don't have enough to hide as is.

 

-ForAnother

[kadvati79]

What exactly IS being OUT?

 

Personally, I have the opportunity to come out to people on a daily basis. Every time you meet someone new, you make a judgement call as to whether to tell them you are gay or not. For example, I walk into a store and look for something for my boyfriend, the teller comes over and asks me if they can help. Do I tell them I am looking for a present for my boyfriend? Or lets say I start a temporary contract developing an architecture for an IT project at a small client. Do I tell them I am gay?

 

The question each time is answered by the questions "Does it really matter?" The common theme is that it is my decision when and who I tell. Coming out is not a process that occurs once, and then suddenly you are liberated out into the wide world. Coming out is something that happens every time you meet someone new. For many people, they don't tell their families at the risk of loosing their relationship with them. I nearly lost my own family through the shock of it all, not because they are "bad" people but because such a large part of me had remained hidden to them for so long.

 

I find it comical that people say they wouldn't date someone who is "not out", when nobody has really discussed what being "out" is. I have plenty of friends who are big on the gay scene, but don't tell their friends and family, or don't tell their work. In a world where predjudice is on every corner, I think its important people can make the decision whether to "come out" or not in each environment, choosing only those they feel safe in.

 

Coming out to yourself is very different to coming out to other people. Every single time you come out to someone knew, you have the potential to damage that relationship, to risk rejection and exposure to predjudice. For me, I judge every opportunity to come out on its individual merits. If it is midnight and I am in the Airport carpark waiting for my driver, and a stranger comes up and starts chatting, I can tell you now... I am NOT going to be coming out. I would not reveal my sexuality because an Airport carpark in the middle of the night is not a very safe place.

 

I am fortunate that my whole family knows and have reached comfort with it, but telling them was a massive risk. Its one thing to accept gay people, but quite apart is to find out that your twenty-something year old son is not the person you thought he was for the last twenty years. Thats a tough revelation for any parent.

[Considerate Empath]

Depends on what you are referring to when saying coming out.

 

If it's of him/her going public with it (or at least to her family/friends), then I guess that person wouldn't date someone even if they were gay when not wanting those close to him/her knowing of it (depends on how fearful that person is though on a scale of 1-10 of it 'getting out' versus that persons possible hidden desire of it actually getting out in that sort of way/any way).

 

If it's of him/her realizing and accepting the fact that he/she is gay, then I doubt that person would just simply accept a date from another person with the same sex before knowing for sure if he/she was gay in order to avoid any awkward moments.

 

 

It all depends on the two people with a possible date and the situation though.

 

//C.E.