I really need your help

[FiguredOuT]

Okay,just to mention that I truly thank anyone who gives me any advice or just comment my situation.I appreciate it.I have always had feelings for my ex(we were together for 4 months and we broke up 1 year ago).My current boyfriend and I have been together for 2 months and we've had many misunderstandings and sometimes arguments in our relationship.But we both agreed that we'll fight 'till the end and that giving up is the easiest thing to do,so we'll continue.And we have the same circle of friends so it would be hard.I wasn't getting emotionally what I needed and he even admited that he doesn't appreciate me as I deserve.Every time after sex,he lays next to me and repeats that he doesn't deserve me.Weird.Anyway,I started seeing my ex lately and we've been spending time together and kissing(no sex).He is in a relationship of 9 months and is not satisfied at all(they see each other 3-4 times a month and she always critizes him).He offered me to become sort of lovers and I couldn't reject him of course,because he's always been my weakness.At first I wanted to get back with him officially(without letting him know) but then he offered me this and said that he's not ready for a commited relationship and his reputation is very important(when people know he has a serious relationship of 9 months they view him much better).Lately things with my current boyfriend have gotten better,although not even close to perfect.Here's my problem:

 

1.I don't want to cheat,unless there's no other option.It just doesn't feel right and if he finds out...

2.I don't want to lose my ex out of my life.Is it possible to win him back?

3.I don't really want to break up with my current boyfriend.

 

I'm so confused that my thoughts are overfilling my brain.

[Dako]

So you get to be this guy's back door girl while his main squeeze is number one, while cheating on a guy you pledged loyalty to and don't want to lose?

 

I suggest you dump your bf so he can find a loyal woman.

If you return to your ex, you'll be his backup when she's not around.

Doesn't that seem a bit sad?

[blender]

Stop, breathe, think. What are YOUR personal standards and values? It seems that you are letting yourself be a victim of circumstance instead of setting some rules for your own heart and life. For now the situation seems like a NO WIN type of thing.

 

Cheating or sneeking around with some guy and being "lovers" on these terms is NEVER going to make you feel good, or become anything of substance in the future, and it will leave you feeling so used... the fact that you might "choose" to be involved with your ex in a "sneeky" way so he can protect his "reputation" is NOT a good idea. Does this make sense to you? What good could come from this?

 

He's using YOU... plain and simple. For today, you need to just sit down and write out what your standards are, what your values are, what do you want in your future, and how do you define yourself.

 

Don't you want to be in a loving secure committed trustworthy relationship?

 

If this is what you want, then you have to become a person who has this standard for YOURSELF. Tell your ex that when he is "free" and on his own if he is interested in pursuing you then and ONLY then can he contact you and see if you are then interested in the same but for right now, you are both in relationships and that YOU are respectful of that, just as you would hope another girl or your own mate would be respectful in the same way and not go sneeking around behind your back...

 

What goes around comes around, and if for today you are CHOOSING to make a decision to "sneek" around and "lie" in order to give in to your "weakness" well then, be prepared for the path that will lead you on...

 

Instead try to build up your "strengths" and stay respectful to YOURSELF and do no accept a situation that includes sneeking around, cheating, pretending..etc... is this how you want to define yourself?

 

Sure you are missing your ex, that's normal, but what standards and values are you setting for your own life in regards to who you are and what you want for your life?

 

Only do what you yourself would admire in someone you respect... would you respect and admire someone who would choose to be in this situation?

 

You are worthy of so much more, and it starts with you, and your own choices... your ex is NOT being respectful to you or the girl he is involved with, that shows a real lack of class... don't join him in it.. you're too good for that, right????

[flower99]

1.I don't want to cheat,unless there's no other option.It just doesn't feel right and if he finds out...

2.I don't want to lose my ex out of my life.Is it possible to win him back?

3.I don't really want to break up with my current boyfriend.

 

 

1. There is Always other options. You always have the choice. Choose to be faithful to your bf OR dump him & let him free before you hurt him more

 

2. You don't want to be with him because he can't be commited -???? You aren't being commited either, so you two will do well together. And if you don't want to lose him, than go back to him (although it doesn't sound like he brings out good in you...which means he's not good for you) Just do the right thing & break up with your bf first

 

3. You don't really want to break up with him, but you don't really want to commit to him either. So...break up would be the best thing to do if you can't commit.

[flower99]

Blender says it well... take it to heart.

 

wish you happiness

[Juliana]

You "don't want to cheat unless there's no other option"?? What on earth are you talking about? How could you be forced into cheating?

 

You're like, what, 16? Because no grown woman would get suckered into this scenario. Seriously, think about it. You were with your ex for four months. The blink of an eye. You're with this new guy 2 months; he hasn't had a chance yet. You say your ex isn't ready for a committed relationship (translation: he just wants to bang you) and in the next breath say that "people know he's in a serious relationship." So, in an attempt to get your ex to go out with you again, you...have sex with him without getting him back first??

 

And you destroy any possibility of saving your actual relationship, because a) he will find out, and b) he will know you cheated on him, so he'll never take you back.

 

Man. This is skill. Really. This is like Olympic-class f'd up.

 

Tell your ex to get lost. Work on fixing up your current relationship until you're both happy.

[Day_Walker]

Cheating is not going to make your situation any better with your current boyfriend. If you arent getting what you want out of the relationship then get out now. If you are satisfied with just being your ex's sex buddy then feel free to do it but if you are doing it in the hopes of having more or keeping him close then you will be doing it for the wrong reasons. You are in a vulnerable state and you will be easily used given the state that you are in, if you care that much about your ex and you know he is your weakness then I cannot advise that you get into a situation where you will be having sex with him while he is in a relationship.

[sixpounder]

yeah, cheat on him becase dumping isnt an option. if you have to cheat on somebody to break off a relationship thats kinda sad. kinda like something i watched on dr phil, where some guys wife cheated on him, so HE would divorse her

[NewOne]

You know what?! As silly as this sounds I think what you really should do is list the things you love in a guy...what is really important to you, then you make another list with the reasons why you like your boyfriend and why you like your ex so much. And obviously do not cheat...After that I believe you will be able to see a clear difference in both of them.

Also, don't forget...why is it that you and your ex break up...and don't forget that even though you like him so much you have to understand that you are not putting yourself in a good position at all with either guys...and that your ex may not respect you so much as he knows you have a boyfriend but he still gets to be with you as he wishes. I mean...not saying that it's wrong that you still like your ex more than your boyfriend...but also...don't forget if your ex is cheating on his girlfriend, he can easily do the same to you later on, if you guys end up becoming serious again!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

let me say that whenever someone wants to be your 'sort of' lover in this kind of situation, it means he wants to meet your for some sex on the side of a relationship that means more to him.

 

he is not agreeing to a potential relationship with you, he is agreeing to a 'no strings' affair on the side, while both of you lie to your (pseudo) steady boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

if you want him back, tell him you want him back and break up with your current boyfriend. fighting a lot with someone you've only dated 2 months is a bad sign anyway, you should be in your 'honeymoon' period of that relationship...

 

but it sounds like you are approaching relationships like a clothing choice for the day, ie., should i wear these shoes or those shoes today?

 

it sounds to me like you are not ready to be in any steady relationship right now, and should be playing the field. so if you can't decide, break up with your current boyfriend and date your old boyfriend, with the awareness that you are not really dating him either, you are just agreeing to a clandestine sexual hookup behind his girlfriend's back.

 

i always vote of being considerate of your friend's feelings, boyfriend or otherwise, and fooling around with everyone here can hurt a lot of people, including ultimately yourself. so i wouldn't fool around with the old boyfriend until both he and you have both broken up and are truly available to meet for more than sex.

[FiguredOuT]

1.I know you're right that I shouldn't be doing this.It's very selfish.I just need some kick in the * * * to get out of this confused state so I can make the right decision.

2.We don't have sex with my ex-boyfriend.We see each other to have fun and just talk because we have the same interests(psychology&philosophy).We just hang out and stuff like friends,but the kissing is involved,so I guess it does count as cheating.He has some personal sexual problems which I will not discuss,and thereforeeee he can't use me for sex,or I him.

3.My boyfriend flirted with a friend of mine in front of me,since then I don't have much trust in him,but decided to give him another chance.It's not like he's an angel.

4.I was really thinking of dumping my boyfriend,because we're not that compatible anyway,but first I want to figure what to do with my ex.The stupid thing is that I want him back,though I know he could cheat on me like he does now on his current girlfriend.Why did I have to fall in love with him?

[NewOne]

Just one more comment:

You don't choose who you fall in love with...and you never know what life will bring oyu tomorrow...so stop thinking ahead really, and live your life...if your are happier with your ex...even as a "lover" and not a girlfriend...then let it be and live it to the most...just make sure whichever decision you make is the one that makes you happiest! ;-)

[Rabican]

wow I dont even know where to start.. you are cheating on your boyfriend with a guy whos cheating on his girlfriend with you (note, kissing is cheating) The guy you are cheating with is worried about his reputation... nevermind the fact that he is slapping karma in the face on two fronts here... it will get him eventually.

 

My suggestion, break up with your current boyfriend. tell him that he is too good for you, and that you still have feelings for your ex. Dont tell him you cheated, that will just make it worse. But tell him that you are not over your ex, and that you feel it is not fair to be in a relationship when your heart is not in it.

 

Then, get any thoughts of a serious relationship with your ex out of your head. Keep him around as a f#$% buddy if you wish... but only if he dumps his girl. This whole situation reeks of no morals. Get out now before people start getting hurt.

[Rabican]

You "don't want to cheat unless there's no other option"?? What on earth are you talking about? How could you be forced into cheating?

 

 

 

 

 

Man. This is skill. Really. This is like Olympic-class f'd up.

 

 

 

couldnt have said it better.

[flower99]

Well I think you just found your answer right there (: You don't trust your bf & trust is the key to every relationship. And you were already thinking about dumping him. So follow your gut & dump him.

Than your mind is a little clearer to make the right choice with the ex.

wish you luck

[blender]

perhaps you need to gain some courage to be on your own for awhile, get yourself together first before bringing others hearts into the mix. You need to find the self respect, self confidence, self love, and respect for OTHERS, before you will be successful in love.

 

This starts with you being "okay" on your own first. You seem so confused and it's not fair to bring others into this situation... take time to be "clear" on who you are, and what you stand for.. be truthful with yourself and honest with others.

 

Otherwise you will constantly put yourself at the mercy of whatever circumstance your heart might "temporarily" be in at any given moment, this will only cause pain for you and for whomever is involved with you.. so take a deep breath, and look inside yourself for some answers on what standards/values you need in your life.

 

You stated you want to know "what to do about your ex before you decide what you are going to do in your current relationship". Doesn't something about that thought process make you wonder what you stand for, and who you are?

 

Simply responding to your own selfish desperate "wants" in this situation isn't going to help you "grow" and "develop" the kind of character you yourself would seek in someone else.

 

If you want to draw kind, decent, caring, honest, dependable love into your life, you have to BECOME it yourself first.