How can you know if you're a lesbian??

[soconfused101]

I'm so confused and have been that way for a long time. I never have had an actual b/f that I cared about...although I have dated and kissed guys before. I do find guys attractive, but its only superficial. A few times in my life I have been attracted to girls. I remember a few years ago I became good friends with a girl. One day, she seemed so pretty to me and I thought how much I liked her. Another time, I met a girl on trip. I felt a connection with her and wanted to get close to her. I would get as close to her as I could and I loved touching. Nothing happened; we talked late one night and I partially admitted thinking I might like girls more than guys, and she only said "I wish you could figure things out." So that ended, and now I have the same problem again. I met an amazing friend, but I can't stop thinking about her. She's so pretty, and I just want to be close to her. Sometimes I fantasize that her and I will have a talk and she will tell me that she likes girls. She has never showed much interest in guys, but then again I'm almost sure she would never admit to liking girls (for personal reasons). More than anything I want to get close to her. I also don't want to ruin our frienship. These feelings are killing me; I am always thinking about her and imagining being close to her. But then, sometimes I wonder if I only have these feelings because I love her as a friend. I think if the right guy came around I might fall for him. I don't know...can anyone help me sort my feelings out!?!?

[Scout]

Soconfused, I think you are probably a lesbian. Because you not only are attracted to females, you also develop strong romantic feelings and longing for them. It doesn't sound like you've ever felt that way about a guy.

 

Your crushes are on females, not guys, for the most part...right?

[NKP]

How about just hook up with a female and then see if you would rather be with a male or female for the rest of your life. Yeah i think your a lesbain or bi, just say your bi to everyone until you know for sure though

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think it is important to be honest with all our friends, whether there is an attraction or not... there is nothing wrong with experimenting and deciding you are gay, straight, bi-, whatever... most people have more than one relationship in their lives before they choose a permanent partner (and even then it is not always permanent), so it is not like you participate in one relationship and that precludes ever having another boyfriend/girlfriend again...

 

besides, if you decide you really do like men more than women, most men *love* the thought of 2 women together, so i don't think they'd reject you because you'd have one or two lesbian encounters trying to figure out what works for you... most likely it would turn them on...

 

do you spend most of your time fantasizing about sex with men or women, or both? that might be your clue as to which direction you need to move in...

[soconfused101]

sometimes i do actually fantasizeabout sex with guys...but its never with a guy i know and i think its more curiosity than anything. I'v never actually had a crush on a guy (no more than thinking how hot a guy is) or wanted to have sex with a guy that i was dating. My main problem is that i'm afraid to let anyone know how i feel, so i don't know how to meet someone i can "experiment" with. And im not a teenager anymore, so i feel like its too late to experiment. thanks for the input so far...it gives me some things to think about

[NKP]

So what your not a teenager you can still experiment. PM tigris she is really great help and understands what it is like

[Scout]

My main problem is that i'm afraid to let anyone know how i feel, so i don't know how to meet someone i can "experiment" with.

 

I would hazard a guess that this is what you're confused about...how to develop a relationship with another woman, given that you're not "out."

 

Here is where I would hope some other gay women would chime in and give some advice here. My first thought is that there are plenty of gay bars, but maybe you don't want to go that route. There are also personal ads, but that may also be something you're not inclined to do.

[rocio]

I think you have to sleep with a girl to know. If you like it, then you may be bi or lesbian.

 

I always thought I must be a lesbian, since lesbians are so much cooler than the rest of us. But then I slept with a girl and I didn't like it. I was quite disappointed.

[soconfused101]

Scout,

You're right...my problem is how to develop a relationship. I am afraid to say anything to anyone. I've always had a feeling i migh not be into guys, but i never thought about how to handle the situation until recently. i'm not comfortable at a gay bar mostly b/c i would go there w/ friends, but i won't tell any of my friends how i feel. any other advice is welcome! id love to meet someone soon and maybe i can stop thinking bout how much i feel for my friend.

[jabele]

I'm in a similar situation as you- feel free to PM me anytime to talk

[Tigris]

I know how difficult it is for you because I've been through exactly the same. The last 6 years were the worst for me. I felt like my life was in turmoil and I didn't know who I was anymore.

 

Throughout my life I was plagued occasionally with wanting girls, but I was able to push these feelings to the back of my mind. However, everytime they popped up they were harder to get under control.

 

At one point I decided I must be Bi, but I didn't do anything about it because I was married. It's strange but once I accepted I was Bi I became more relaxed. That didn't last very long and 6 years ago everything started to wrong again. I fell in love with a woman at work. We'd known each other for a year as friends and I'd had no problem. I confided in her that I thought I was Bi. It didn't make any difference to her.

 

Unfortunately, my feelings for her got stronger and stronger and I told her. She realised what was happening to me and wanted to help. She volunteered to sleep with me so I would know for definite what I was. I was shocked! I told her I wanted to, but I couldn't let her sacrifice herself for me. Deep down I knew that once wouldn't be enough.

 

During this time I was still married. I was in such a mess mentally that I couldn't abide my husband touching me. I would avoid him as much as possible.

 

I fell in love with 2 more straight women after that.

 

Eventually I was introduced to my Fiancee. The first time we slept together everything felt right. I wasn't embarrassed or nervous at all. After we made love I cried. Now I knew who I was... A LESBIAN!

[hopelesscase]

Hey

 

I was where you are about 4 yrs ago, thinking I was gay but not knowing for sure, then I found a great website called the pink sofa, it is great friendly site where you can meet other lesbians, I dont no where you live but they have a lot of social going on in Australia and UK they have some americans on as well although I dont know how widely used it is by them.

 

I have made a lot of friends through this site as well as my first gf and my current gf, there are lots of forumns where you can ask for advice and lots of other women who are in the same situation as you, I think it is great to have a place where you can go to vent and talk about stuff in a friendly environment.

 

For me I always has stronger feelings for women but never wanted to accept it or let people know as it was wrong (according to society) but since I came out, my parents and my friends have been great and I feel so much better and more confident being able to be me and not thinking about hiding a part of me all the time.

 

Feel free to msg me if ya want, but deffo check out the pink sofa!!!

[kuhaaica]

just because your not a teen anymore doesnt mean you cant experiment.

I was in my mid twenties my first time with the same sex, i think i was better that way. I had always felt that women were beautiful in sooo many ways and just wanted to try it. Being of a more mature age i was able to sort out my feelings about it quite easily discovering that i was indeed straight (not to say i didnt enjoy myself)

 

Good luck, i say try it, not much to loose.

[soconfused101]

Don't most girls have an emotional bond with other women...whether or not they are gay? I mean...best friends who are the same sex will always have more of a connection than best friends of opposite sexes. Does having that feeling make you gay? I don't know...I think I've recently been trying to convince myself that I'm not gay as my feelings for my friend get stronger.

[buddafleye]

It's really difficult to know whether or not you're a lesbian because most women develop feelings, at one time or another, for other women. Most, if not all, women question their sexuality at a point in their life. From what I've been hearing, this is an entirely normal thing to be going through. So experiment! Just because you kiss a girl doesn't mean you're a lesbian. I'm a huge hypocrite for giving this advice because I'm in the same place as you, but from what I've learned thus far you have to just dive in and do it. You're not going to know if you like kissing girls until you kiss a girl.

 

Now I should step down off my soap box and heed my own advice. haaha. It's hard though, I know. The situation will present itself when the time is right. Don't rush to figure yourself out -- enjoy the ride. I'm in absolutely no rush to declare my orientation to anyone. Sure, it starts to get annoying after awhile because you're like, AM I or AM I NOT? But I think deep down, you really already know the answer. It's not so much of a question of sexuality, but a question of when you're ready to admit it to yourself. You know?

[Tigris]

buddafleye I agree with this because it happened to me, 'It's not so much of a question of sexuality, but a question of when you're ready to admit it to yourself. You know?'

 

I knew from being young but chose to push it out of my mind. The problems started to arise when I accepted who I really was.

[someguy69]

I don't understand the obsession with black or white definitions. Sexuality is a spectrum. There is no need to label yourself a "gay", "straight" or even "bi". What's the point? Why commit to a fixed orientation?

[turqoise]

A friend of mine said exactly what this guy above said. I`m sort of thinking, OK, maybe keep my mind open to whatever I might feel, and approach everyone, males and females equally, rather than assume that if I`m going to love someone it`s gotta be this or that gender. What do you think guys?

[soconfused101]

I like that advice about not labeling and keeping your options open. I think it might be the best way for me to view things now, since I'm a bit confused.

[turqoise]

Yay, nice one.

Lots hugs and support

[Ashlee]

How about just hook up with a female and then see if you would rather be with a male or female for the rest of your life. Yeah i think your a lesbain or bi, just say your bi to everyone until you know for sure though

 

 

See the thing is that im scared to try something with another girl. I really don't know any bi girls around where im from. I want to but i need to find someone first. If any suggestions plz let me know.

[turqoise]

hello. heehe, that`S the same problem I have. And there`s no way I`m going to walk into a gay bar! And how do you tell someone else swings that way?

[soconfused101]

that's why I've been asking for advice...I'm not about to ask someone I know if they're gay! And going into a gay bar is not going to happen for me. That website pinksofa was pretty cool...but I'm not about to pay for a subscription so still haven't found anyone to "experiment"with.

[jabele]

How about searching for bisexual/lesbian women on Myspace? You can do that (by location and other characteristics) if you search with advanced options

[turqoise]

I wonder..if you have the opportunity to make out with a girl, should you do it to see if you really are a lesbian? what are the possible consequences?