How do I know how she feels?

[ConfusedHubby]

I'm a happily married man (for the most part) and have a working relationship with a married woman who I'm very attracted to. She seems to be happy in her marriage but it seems like sometimes she flirts with me in a subtle way. I'm not sure what to do since now I find myself thinking about her all the time. I can't tell if she's really interested in me and am wondering if I should tell her how I feel.

 

My problem is should I continue working with her and not say anything? Should I stop working with her or tell her how I feel? The last thing I want to do is to ruin our friendship and possibly our marriages. I just wish I knew what to do.

[SeaBisquit]

don't even think about her. she is married.

[avman]

Do not tell her how you feel.

 

Keep things 100% professional or else stop working with her.

 

Those who play with hand grenades eventually lose their hands.

[Beec]

You are married, she is married, you both should have sex with your spouses and not each other. What else would some one recommend that you do?

[Scout]

If you recognize your marriage is largely a happy one, why would you consider pursuing an attraction towards another woman? I'm honestly curious, not asking this question in a "preachy" way.

[ConfusedHubby]

I think the only reason I've even thought about her is because this is the first time I've felt so alive in many years. When I'm around her I feel like I can take on the world. I find myself wanting to spend time with her and hear her voice. My wife doesn't make me feel like that any more even though I care about her still.

 

I guess I'm being selfish here and not considering everyone else involved. I'm not really sure why I have a school boy crush on a married woman but the feelings are real and I'm having a hard time hiding them.

 

Maybe the best thing for all is to distance mysellf from her until I can deal with what I'm feeling.

[Dako]

Self-control keeps you from driving your car into a bridge abutment.

This requires the same principle.

[desertnomad]

Dont cheat on your wife, nothing else to it.

[ConfusedHubby]

Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that I'm happy in my marriage when that's not the case.

 

The real question is - Should I keep working with her if I can't change how I'm feeling?

[SeaBisquit]

maybe you are just flattered that she likes you. but don't take it any farther than that. you are both married. if you cannot work with her on a professional level only i would suggest working in another department.

[desertnomad]

If it was me I would remove myself from the temptation because cheating in the end will always come back to haunt you.

[doyathink]

If your really not happy then what is keeping you in your marriage? Leave if you must but dont drag another marriage down with yours.

[Scout]

Hi again, CH...yes, what you're feeling is not uncommon. In long-term relationships, we tend to slack on the "keeping love alive" department. Of course, if you're feeling this way, chances are, it's also been a long time since your wife felt that heady rush that comes when it's clear someone finds us attractive.

 

For more information on the typical stages of a committed relationship.

 

And to understand how things can get a bit stale in relationships, here's a thread I posted some time ago.

 

I really think you'll gain a new perspective after reading both articles.

 

Long story short, it all comes down to we have to work to keep our relationships fulfilling and stimulating, but once we get into the swing of that, it's actually a rather joyful work.

 

I just share this information with you to kind of remember whose the more important woman in your life, here. I don't think it's the one who is making you feel flattered. That's a temporary feeling, anyway, and if you embark on an affair, well...based on what I've seen on eNotalone, you don't want to go down that road, friend.

[ConfusedHubby]

maybe you are just flattered that she likes you. but don't take it any farther than that. you are both married. if you cannot work with her on a professional level only i would suggest working in another department.

 

I think you're right. The hardest part is feeling like a school boy and finding myself daydreaming about her. For now though I'll keep it strictly professional and not say a word.

[Scout]

The hardest part is feeling like a school boy and finding myself daydreaming about her.

 

You know, of course, this feeling wouldn't last. But to me, it indicates you like the feeling of being appreciated and noticed and attractive.

 

I bet your wife likes and misses that feeling, too.

[Dako]

I bet your wife likes and misses that feeling, too.

 

A very good point, Scout.

[Day_Walker]

If you are attracted a woman that you work with in a professional capacity and the both of you are married then the best thing to do would be to not work with her any longer. If you keep working with her then you are eventually going to sleep with her, because you have this longing for her that you dont seem to have for your wife and this girl is going to make you feel alive. If you care about your marriage, then you need to be reassigned or simply not work with her any longer, otherwise you will give in to the temptation.

[ConfusedHubby]

Thanks for all the advise. The biggest challenge I've had with all of this is that I really respect this woman and only want the best for everyone. We're both good friends and she knows my wife which makes it more sticky since my wife is a little jealous of our working relationship. I've assured my wife that there's nothing going on and now I almost feel like I'm lying because of how I've been feeling about this other woman.

 

How do you stop liking someone that you're around all the time and convince your spouse they have nothing to worry about.

 

The thing that scares me the most is that if this other woman made a move I can't say for sure I wouldn't go for it!

[Scout]

If you are attracted a woman that you work with in a professional capacity and the both of you are married then the best thing to do would be to not work with her any longer. If you keep working with her then you are eventually going to sleep with her, because you have this longing for her that you dont seem to have for your wife and this girl is going to make you feel alive. If you care about your marriage, then you need to be reassigned or simply not work with her any longer, otherwise you will give in to the temptation.

 

This is a good suggestion. I would do it more to prove, in a symbolic gesture, that your marriage comes first.

 

I do think you could resist the temptation, though, once you put things back in a realistic perspective.

 

Nevertheless, I like the idea of gestures that solidy our commitments. They are psychologically empowering.

[Beec]

Thanks for all the advise. The biggest challenge I've had with all of this is that I really respect this woman and only want the best for everyone.

 

How do you stop liking someone that you're around all the time and convince your spouse they have nothing to worry about.

 

The thing that scares me the most is that if this other woman made a move I can't say for sure I wouldn't go for it!

 

What you say in the first portion above is key. What is the best for everyone? Your wife, this woman, you, and her husband? I think that would be that you don't cheat.

 

I don't think that you stop how you feel, I think you control what you do.

 

I also think Scout has a great point. If you want this type of interest to subside, then fire up things at home, with your wife. That would do more to address the feeling than anything else.

[Jamiegirl]

If u cheat on your wife, you will not only ruin your marriage but the other womans marriage will be ruined as well. Don't cheat it only brings issues and drama that is un needed. U need to keep it professional and thats it. Dont do anything with her and if u can't take it maybe u need to consider another job.

[LONESOUL]

This is making you feel young again, the attention. Young and desirable,

but Scout makes some very good points. Don't cheat guy, all these things

you think this other woman is making you feel...those things are fading even as we type, they are temporary and they will not last. You could loose it all with this one gamble, so could she, are those stakes not too high? I think you should take what you got out of your little ego boost, and go home to your wife, who most likely loves you very much. (and by the way I think a little HARMLESS flirting can make someone feel good about themselves, but

it's when people take it to the next level that they really get hurt)

 

Take good care,

Lone

[ConfusedHubby]

Everyone on here has been very helpful. The only thing is that all the comments assume that this woman is really attracted to me. My wife tells me how attractive I am all the time but when other women show interest it makes me feel more like a man.

 

I must have some serious self esteem issue to need the affirmation of other women. Guess I'll get some therapy.

[Scout]

Guess I'll get some therapy.

 

LOL, CH. Do you really feel you need it? Also, did you check out the articles I recommended? Either of 'em shed some light on the current state of your marriage?

[Beec]

Everyone on here has been very helpful. The only thing is that all the comments assume that this woman is really attracted to me. My wife tells me how attractive I am all the time but when other women show interest it makes me feel more like a man.

 

I must have some serious self esteem issue to need the affirmation of other women. Guess I'll get some therapy.

 

It suggests that you take your wife's compliments for granted and not significant, while this other woman's are meaningful and significant. It has nothing to do with the words, but much to do with who is saying them. You should think about why, because you seem to be taking your wife for granted.