Why does this bother me so?

[applesause]

Okay, I admit... I am not a paragon of fashion. I prefer to wear comfortable clothes, or at least clothes I am comfortable wearing. I don't follow clothing trends, and really couldn't care less about what is in fashion. I don't dress like a slob, usually wearing slacks and a nice dress shirt.

 

It's turned cold this month and I've pulled out my winter clothes. What is really bothering me, and I'm not sure why, is that my GF has told me that I look ridiculous wearing a vest. Admittedly it's probably not in fashion, but the only reasons she could give me for saying that is "It just is.", "Just don't", and "It was in fashion in the 80s."

 

I've never given a rat's * * * about what other people think about what I wear; why is this so different? Why does this seem to stick under my skin?

[rmpavlock]

I'm guessing this one bothers you because it was your girlfriend who said it. Everyone wants to feel attractive to the person they are dating, so that's probably why it bothers you so much.

[Dako]

I also don't care about looking cool, and if a gf told me that, it would make me a little less comfortable with her, and I'd wonder where the fashion criticism would stop.

 

To me, fashion is a scam to stimulate consumption.

[shikashika]

I tell my friends and they tell me when I/we wear something that doesn't suit us.

 

I think its better than being fake about it. Sometimes we need people to give us a little kick sometimes!

[applesause]

I tell my friends and they tell me when I/we wear something that doesn't suit us.

 

I think its better than being fake about it. Sometimes we need people to give us a little kick sometimes!

 

Funny that, I've had friends, family, and co-workers compliment me on how I dress.

I guess it really isn't that important, I just wonder when it will stop.

 

I can't listen to music I like when we're together, because she thinks its weird. We don't go to movies I want to see, because she can't stand action or horror flicks. She tells me I sound dorky when I use foreign words when I talk (She hates it when I say gesundheit instead of bless you when someone sneezes). So many resturants we can't go to because she can't find something she can eat at them (I miss Thai food).

[Beec]

I think rmpavlock was on with his comment, you care because SHE said it.

 

At the same time, WEAR IT, just because she said it. Don't let her think she can control your wardrobe. When it is a significant event, I can dress to please my woman, but day to day, not a chance. If she does not like my Popeye t-shirt, tough for her.

[confused25]

I agree with shikashika that sometimes it's nice to get feedback from the others! When my bf and I go out together he always puts together his wardrobe and asks for my opinion first. He also likes me to go shopping with him so I can pick out things for him haha.

 

But judging what what you wrote from your second post, she does seem a bit controlling and selfish. Like you can't do anything that you like just because she's around. She needs to be more accomodating and open to try out new things. A relationship is all about compromising, can't always be about what SHE wants and likes to do.

[Dako]

Must be a fashionista/fashionphobe divide here.

[ImThatGirl]

I'm curious as to how old she is? She sounds self absorbed. I hate those words so let's say slightly inconsiderate.

 

About the clothes. Honestly, I'd probably make the same comments to my boyfriend if he pulled vests out of the closet. Matter of fact, my ex had muscle t's and tye dye shirts in his closet and would wear them sometimes. I probably made the same comments to him and I hid them from him sometimes too.

 

Thinking Johnny Depp Style, is that right? And I guess Johnny Depp is probably still wearing the vests so you can too if you want to take a stand.

[Juliana]

Oh, please. Guys. Tie on a bit of reality, wouldja? If your s/o showed up at the door dressed in something that looked like your mother might wear it, how pleased would you be? Yes, the tyranny of fashion -- it's a terrible thing. But don't expect that you can wear trackpants and a t-shirt and have your Vogue-addicted gf be thrilled about it. You want the hot chick, you have to dress for the occasion.

[Survictor]

You know, it sounds as if you look down on her and resent her. Everything you say points to yourself sounding cultured, whilst making her sound like a peasant.

 

Hey, my husband would prefer I wore really feminine stuff out and really whorish stuff in the bedroom and sometimes I do....to make him happy and he will do the same for me.

 

So ditch the vest, ditch the attitude or try having a relationship with someone you consider to be your equal.... or maybe you just like it this way.

 

You cannot have it both ways.

[renaissancewoman101]

Applesause, maybe you should reevaluate the relationship because it doesnt sound like you guys click. Also she sounds like she is a bit of a control freak since it seems (to me) that she wants things always to be her way (like where she wants to eat). Sometimes, in order to have a good relationship, one has to compromise and give or take sometimes. She has to learn not to insist on everything being her way, or it just wont work. And you have to learn to stand up for yourself to at times.

 

I know how you feel though. I am a very eclectic eater and love to try foods of all ethnicities. My first ex (now my ex-best friend) was a very Midwestern guy who was always into meat, potatoes and fast food and would never try new foods. It was hard for me to date him becasue I had to always accommodate his limited palate and it was a strain on me.

[shes2smart]

Funny that, I've had friends, family, and co-workers compliment me on how I dress.

I guess it really isn't that important, I just wonder when it will stop.

 

I can't listen to music I like when we're together, because she thinks its weird. We don't go to movies I want to see, because she can't stand action or horror flicks. She tells me I sound dorky when I use foreign words when I talk (She hates it when I say gesundheit instead of bless you when someone sneezes). So many resturants we can't go to because she can't find something she can eat at them (I miss Thai food).

 

I'd hazard a guess that the thing about the vest is buggin' ya, because, combined with the above, it may feel to you like she's trying to change things about you to suit her.

 

It's not possible to find someone who is into ALL the same things you are, but that's ok. You can respect each other's differences and it works out. I'm not a movie person, my husband is. When he wants to go, he goes with his friends and I'm fine with that. I don't whine or nag him about going and "leaving me behind" or whatever. I know I'm welcome to go along, but he'd never INSIST I go.

 

There are plenty of other examples I could give ya, but it all comes down to respecting the other person and their unique tastes, hobbies and interests...and striking a balance between the things you enjoy doing together and enjoying things that you might be better off doing separately.

 

Are you feeling she's not showing you that consideration?

[Bethany]

It sounds more to me that she cares what people think of you, that she doesn't want people to laugh or take the **** out of you infront of you or behind your back.

 

Maybe a little of her own vanity is showing through too,i.e. she doesn't want people to tease HER BF.

 

I think she's looking out for you, rather than criticising you.

 

For what it's worth, sorry but unless your 75yrs old in risk of hypothermia, I would feel the same in her position, like A vest?? Try a T-shirt instead.

[applesause]

There are plenty of other examples I could give ya, but it all comes down to respecting the other person and their unique tastes, hobbies and interests...and striking a balance between the things you enjoy doing together and enjoying things that you might be better off doing separately.

 

Are you feeling she's not showing you that consideration?

 

My initial responce would be yes, I feel that she's not showing that kind of consideration.

She hates it when I am away from her, for any reason. Last night she told me that she misses me. I'm not sure why she would miss me, for that last three weeks the only time I haven't been with her is when I'm at work, at church, or sleeping.

With her two little boys and us both being deeply in debt, we don't go out much when we are together. I've run out of ideas for inexpensive thing to do that she doesn't reject to trying.

We do go out with her friends pretty regularly, but only once (last year) with my friends. Recent events have transpired that they wouldn't want to spend time around her even if she was interested.

(That last bit requires some explination. I recently had a big b-day party, invited all my friends and family, as well as her friends and family. My friends all ended up excusing themselves bit by bit before it got late. It wasn't until later that they told me that they felt my GF was rude to them when I wasn't around or outright ignored them, and that her boys verbaly threatend a couple of my friends. There were a couple of accusations of strange behavior from my friends by my GF's nephews... all together it ended up being a big mess).

Anyway... I feel that I can't mention that I want to go out with my friends without her giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment.

 

There are a couple other things that have been giving both of us a rough time lately, but this isn't the thread to discuss those problems...

[NJRon]

In the end, be who you want to be. that means dress the way you want to dress. Some people have their own style, others adapt to their SO's style, some a mixture. As long as *you're* happy and feel attractive, who cares? If she doesn't like your style and taste, then just keep at it. You have your own personality... celebrate it.

 

The major reason to be yourself with someone else is to ensur ethat they are actually attracted to *you*. So, if you are with someone that doesn't accept you the way you are, how comfortable are you going to be with that down the long road.

 

Not saying that you can't (or shouldn't) make any concessions. but, on the whole, you need to maintain your own identity.

[shes2smart]

This is not good.

 

If it was just one of your friends who didn't like/didn't get along with her, you could chalk it up to the fact that not everyone is going to be able to get along with everyone else.

 

Unless you want a life with no friends, interests or hobbies of your own (or pouting, whining, nagging or outright fighting if you dare to spend some time on any of those things), you might want to have a serious discussion with her about this and see if she can become more accepting of your needs in this area.

 

My husband's ex-wife did some very similar things...it was always what she wanted to do, always what she wanted to listen to in the car, always her friends/family that got invited to stuff (she hated his friends and they weren't all too fond of her), all her things (or things she approved of) that decorated their house save for one room in the back where some of his things were allowed to be out. He ended up feeling like he was only in the picture to be a wallet and sperm donor (so she could have the kids she wanted). The fact that she's his ex-wife oughta tell you how much he was enjoying that situation long-term.

 

It took him a long time to realize when I told him to go to the movies with his friends (or whatever), that I wasn't going to make him "pay" for it later and that I genuinely wanted him to go have a good time without me.

[caro33]

From what you've said it's not really a vest thing is it? It's a 'her controlling you and you've been good and you've compromised, but where does it end?' kind of thing perhaps.

 

She sounds like she needs a good dose of you saying 'whatever darling, I just don't care, I am going to see my friends tonight, will be back by the morning, see ya'. Ideally you will see a way clear to getting away from her and finding yourself a woman who just loves you wearing whatever you want. If this sounds too radical, then she needs some re-training. I think that you may have gone too far being a nice guy and just trained her to think she can do and say what she wants.

 

If you met the person you know she is now as a brand new relationship, would you pursue it? If the answer is a vehement 'no' then ask yourself why you are still there. You won't get any of these days/months/years back.