contemplating suicide

[Blue Skittles]

I'm planning my own suicide. I guess you could call it a final cry for help. This isn't just about attention. I've been mentally unstable for amonth. I take medication. I have no friends anymore, I've pushed them all away. My family doesn't care. They are too far away to care. I have no one, and I'm really going to do it. I don't know why. I thought I was getting better. But I'm not. And I don't want to suffer this pain anymore.

[4thelast1]

Think about what your saying. You want to end it all. Do you understand that if you complete your quest then there is NO MORE YOU! So you feel tormented, but if you do what you say there will be no more you to feel. I know I have been there. I am so glad that I failed, medication is not the only thing you need. Therapy to get to the root of the problem. Please dont do anything rash. Medication, therapy and solve your problems for you. ONly you can pull yourself out of this.

[rocio]

You will make new friends once you're feeling better.

 

Have there been specific events in your life that have been getting you down? What has led you to the conclusion that this is the best way to proceed?

[arwen]

Hey sweetie,

 

That no one cares is not the reality, it's your perception, which is blurred by depression. Please talk to us here. Or in a pm if you need.

 

This is now for a month, and probably longer than that. You have many months ahead of you, and each day you can take little steps to make life more bearable for yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

Ilse

[newvenus]

I have suffered from depression too. All of my life I contemplated suicide. Just in the recent years I realized that life is worth a try. You feel bad today, better tomorrow, bad again the next day --- but soon you will feel better for good. Something I had to do was to make changes and accept my life. Don't count on people to make you happy --- make yourself happy by doing what you want to do. Life is not easy --- and I hate to say it -- but it will never be easy.

 

Before you do anything, give yourself one more chance. Everytime you feel like you want to end it.. try life again. Don't do it... if you want to talk... I'll make myself available to you. The very least I can do is to listen. Let me know what you think.

[newvenus]

You know you don't want to do it. You are only making yourself feel better by thinking that if you ended it you'll leave the pain behind. Stop feeling sorry for youself.... get off the computer ... take a shower... eat something, and get out of the house. There are millions of people out there wanting to talk to someone like you ---- you know that. Life is a gift (although sometimes feels like a pain in the a..s).

 

I'm not feeling that hot myself today either... but I'm not going to seat around and cry for help. I'm going to get pretty (God only knows I need all the help I could get), and I'm going to use the little bit of perfume I have left, and I'm going to get out of the house and do something fun. If it doesn't work, I'll cry a little and I'll try it again tomorrow. What do I have to loose?

 

Come on -- kid. It really isn't that bad!

[DN]

I saw in a previous post that you are in your first year as a teacher.

 

Is this a lesson that you want to teach your students? Or do you think it would be better to teach them, by example, how to try and improve your life rather than wasting it? Because isn't that what education is all about and isn't that why you became a teacher?

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

So maybe this particular medication isn't helping you. Or maybe you need to add some therapy to your regime to help you get through this tough spot. Do you think before giving up maybe this warrents a little more investigation?

 

If you are a teacher, you have your kids to live for, right?

 

Please don't hurt yourself. Please call a hotline before you do something you cannot take back.

 

1-800-784-2433 (National Suicide Hotline)

[Fallout]

You can always get your friends back by apologizing on the stuff you did them wrong...do that and hang out with them, be around people, you don't want to die if you did you wouldn't have posted this...

 

Why are you mentally unstable? Has something happened a month ago? Maybe it's your medication making you more depressed, stop taking it or switch to something else...and yes get counselling.

[Blue Skittles]

Something I should explain --- Its not that I WANT to commit suicide. I really don't want to do that, and I keep trying to talk myself out of it. I do want to live and get better. But, my moods have been so low, uncontrollable, and today it spun out of control to the point where if I had a balcony and lived on a high floor, I would have went and jumped off of it. Because when it gets like that, I have no control. I'm trying. Believe me, I'm doing everything I can. I even went to church tonight to try and find some peace. Unfortunately, its not working. I still feel like this. I don't know who to talk to anymore, or where to go for help. I'm done.

[Blue Skittles]

I'm really scared....

[Fallout]

Hang on. Call your closest friend(s) and apologize if you hurt them, ask them to talk because you need to and explain everything them...that way you'll see there are people supporting you!

[bulletproof]

Can you tell us what's happening? What is going on that is really bad for you right now? Sometimes writing it down and getting feedback can really change perspective, even if it's just for a minute. Let us help you.

[Anotherday]

I'm planning my own suicide. I guess you could call it a final cry for help. This isn't just about attention. I've been mentally unstable for amonth. I take medication. I have no friends anymore, I've pushed them all away. My family doesn't care. They are too far away to care. I have no one, and I'm really going to do it. I don't know why. I thought I was getting better. But I'm not. And I don't want to suffer this pain anymore.

 

I can relate. I've often thought of what I would do. I've been mentally unstable my whole life. You may need another medication or a combination of meds. I have no friends either, as I have pushed everyone (worth having in my life) away. My mom and dad do care, and I've stayed alive for them. I've read the suicide wall in the BP forum, and I don't want to cause pain for others. I'm 1800 miles away from my family and estranged from my siblings.

 

Finding the right drug or drugs can make all the difference. I finally found a magic pill, but I had to reduce the dosage, as my hair was falling out. I may just go back up, as it was MAGIC.

 

Please do not end your life. I've no right to say this, but I understand your pain and there IS help out there. It may take a long time to find what's right, but it can be done. I'm not saying it will, but it could take longer than a month.

 

If you'd care to share your diagnosis, please do. I can tell you that if dealing with the depression, the thoughts are because of the depression. It's the depression saying these things to you. It is not based in reality. It just FEELS that way.

 

Please PM me, if you like. Please also call a suicide prevention hotline, if you think you are going to do something. If you will tell me where you live, by PM, what city, I can find a number. Better yet, here is an 800 number. These people will help you. 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

[Blue Skittles]

I was diagnosed with anxiety years ago. I would go on medication, for some reason or another the side effects were too much and I would go off. Since then, I learned how to deal with anxiety attacks and depression and I found a positive way of making myself feel better. I came up with a new way of thinking, and found that exercise did a better job of stabilizing my moods than anything else. I went back on the medication because I had a massive anxiety attack, I couldn't get myself to calm down. Also my benefits now cover it so its not costing me money. I've stuck to it for the last couple months. However, the depression has NEVER BEEN this bad. I thought the medication was supposed to help me feel BETTER??????????? Its certainly not doing its job. I'm on Welbutrin. I'd rather not be on the drugs, and I'm going to the doctor TODAY to talk about getting off of them. The only thing this drug has helped me to do is quit smoking.

[Anotherday]

Wellbutrin is an energizing antidepressant. If you are prone to anxiety,an SSRI might be better. Pls. Note, I am not a Dr., but I've been on just about everything out there. I like the Wellbutrin, but is because I deal with depression and not really anxiety (so much, anymore). I am glad to read your message this a.m. and VERY glad you'll be seeing your Dr. BTW, is your Dr a psychiatrist? I found a wonderful psychiatrist finally and it makes a huge difference.

[Hope75]

Hey Blue Skittles,

 

If you feel that right now you cannot trust your judgement and you think that you may not be able to stop yourself from harming, a good idea is to go to your local ER and tell them just that.

 

I work in the ER and I see this alot. They will have a psychiatric practioner evaluate you, and you may end up getting inpatient treatment where they can adjust or change your meds, do some intensive therapy with you, and get you back on track.

 

I imagine wondering if you can control those thoughts must be pretty scary, and there is certainly no shame in seeking help and safety to deal with them.

 

((HUGS))

[Spugly Fuglet]

I'm really scared....

 

 

"But, my moods have been so low, uncontrollable"

 

I hope I can help, I will try.

 

There is some thing behind this, stress, life change, a past forgot a futuar lost. believe me when I say I know where you are, I have been there more times than I care to think about. Its like a demon inside bent on distrying you. It wells up and you panic, you world closes down and lits like shear fear, there is you and evry thing in the reast of the world is out side, out side this fish boll you seem to be looking throw.

 

I will tell you know what it is, I will give it a name so you can see it and know what it is and what its after.

 

Its called "Compulsive flight!"

 

remember that Pet phyc bit about Fight, or flight the **** or run thing when we feel in danger.

 

Well what you are in is a fearfull place but your mind is keeping you togiver 90% of the time but and heres the but one, 10% you hit over load

Out of the blue POW fear, Anger, Fustraion, Depreshion and then FLIGHT!

In a moment you can go from OK to Looking down at the street fighting the impoles to jump.

 

And having Compulsive flight! only adds to the fear, now your not just scared of some thing in your life your scared of what you may do to yourself and CLICK! the loop is closed, now the fear powers its self as around and around you go, fear and the fear of fear, round and round.

 

Like me deep inside you wont to get of the roller coster ride, But how! for gods sake im locked in.

 

Well you need help, BIG TIME help, the life saving help that takes you away from

 

1: what started all this, Job, Lovelife, Illness (im BIpoler and dyslexic and CoP Full house) it was when I was dyinosed that I started to get out of this loop.

 

2: and into your suport area, thats Family, freands Docs etc.

 

3: BAD MEDS yep not all meds are good some have really bad side afeacts, always talk to your doc and tell them every thing no matter how small. Things like, I STILL WONT TO KILL MYSELF FORM TIME TO TIME.

 

I would say this, talk to your teaching boss, say I need a brake NOW! dont ask tell them. See your doc and say your going back to your mum and dads and need a local doc there. Then I would pack my bags and head back to Mum and dads, for a reast, a real reast where you will have time to slow down that mind and let yorself heal,

 

It dos not matter what any one thinks this is a matter of life and death, there is nothing, nothing more inportent then geting better. If you had been in a war and was shell shocked no one would think ill of you.

Well Your in the same place so go find some where to rest and do so.

Get help there to work out where theys fealing came from and get your self tooled up with mind tools so you can face life healed and better.

 

I would say your over worked exsoed and pushing your self to hard, I bet you have been doing it for yours, well all that comes at a price and now your paying, if thats the case then do it some place safe.

 

I do hope you take my advice and seek help and rest, I know once you do you will start to feel better.

 

Yours

Spugly

[Blue Skittles]

Hey - thanks for all the support - today has been a better day, despite feeling incredibly lonely. There is still this cloud of sadness over me, but at least i'm not feeling like jumping off my non-existant balcony.

 

Yesterday I thought about going to the ER, but I was afraid once i got there they wouldn't do anything about it since I didn't actually make an attempt. I don't know how they usually react to situations like that.

 

I'm going off the medication. I haven't decided if I want to try a different one or just go off of them completely. I hate having to rely on the drugs. I'm not convinced that I really need them, but what do I know.

 

I think I'm going to try and go to counselling until I can get in to see a psychiatrist. I'm sorry but the doctors have just been absolutely no help.

 

As for taking a break, I'm really in no position to do that, even if it is needed. I'm not so sure its a break I need, see, when I'm at school, I'm happy, I feel like I'm doing a good thing, making a difference, and I'm on a high. Sometimes, I wish I was at school all the time. But seeing as it is my first year and I really need to make a good impression, I need to stick with it. Besides, Christmas isnt' far away and I'll get to spend 2 weeks with my family then.

 

Thanks again for all the support.

[Tiva]

I'm a newbie here... hope you don't mind me jumping in.

 

Yesterday I thought about going to the ER, but I was afraid once i got there they wouldn't do anything about it since I didn't actually make an attempt. I don't know how they usually react to situations like that.

 

In my experience, it doesn't take an attempt to be admitted. Twice I've gone in to the ER and been admitted as prevention for three or four days until I could cope again, then was released to my therapist's care. The hospitals around me also have outpatient programs they will refer you to.

 

I'm going off the medication. I haven't decided if I want to try a different one or just go off of them completely. I hate having to rely on the drugs. I'm not convinced that I really need them, but what do I know.

You do know not to go off them suddenly, don't you, that you must taper off? If you do it all at once, the withdrawal can be bad, and your mood is likely to crash. If you must do it, do it under a doctor's eye.

 

It's worth trying different ones to find something that works for you. I went through six before hitting the right combination that worked and didn't have intolerable side effects (I'm bipolar). I want to point out, too, that ALL antidepressants have the potential effect of CAUSING depression if you look at the list of side effects. It doesn't sound like Wellbutrin is working for you. I hate being on drugs, too, but for me, they do two things: first, they kept me going so that I was able to deal with depression and PTSD through counseling; and second, they are now a safety net to keep me from going too far down. You don't necessarily have to be on them forever, but the right one (or more) can be a lifesaver to keep you going while you learn other tools.

 

I think I'm going to try and go to counselling until I can get in to see a psychiatrist. I'm sorry but the doctors have just been absolutely no help.

I'm really glad to hear this. Meds without counseling are not a permanent solution. Cognitive behavioral techniques are particularly good for dealing with depression.

 

As for taking a break, I'm really in no position to do that, even if it is needed. I'm not so sure its a break I need, see, when I'm at school, I'm happy, I feel like I'm doing a good thing, making a difference, and I'm on a high. Sometimes, I wish I was at school all the time. But seeing as it is my first year and I really need to make a good impression, I need to stick with it. Besides, Christmas isnt' far away and I'll get to spend 2 weeks with my family then.

 

In my experience-- I'm sure it's different for different people-- continuing to work if you are able to do it at all is the best thing. It forces you to get up in the morning, it gives you routine, it keeps you busy so you can't think as much about how bad you feel or how to kill yourself, it gives you perspective, it keeps you in touch with humanity, it provides a marker for you to measure how you're doing (you can't always tell you are getting worse if you are staying home in your room), it gives you some purpose and the knowledge that you are doing something worthwhile, it keeps you looking at tomorrow (especially as a teacher, where you have to plan for the next day). But I also know that it's possible to reach a point or have circumstances where one cannot go on working. I've been there too.

 

One more comment, last but not least: You will not always feel this way. You already know that you feel better today than yesterday. If you can remind yourself in the midst of those blackest moments that it will pass, that can be the difference in going on. However difficult it may be to believe, however much you are hurting in that moment, it will not always be like that.

 

Take care.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

 

Yesterday I thought about going to the ER, but I was afraid once i got there they wouldn't do anything about it since I didn't actually make an attempt. I don't know how they usually react to situations like that.

 

I'm going off the medication. I haven't decided if I want to try a different one or just go off of them completely. I hate having to rely on the drugs. I'm not convinced that I really need them, but what do I know.

 

They will NOT blow you off simply because you have not attempted suicide. Thinking about it and having a plan to carry it out (even at some point) is enough reason that they would treat you. I work in the ER and I can tell you this from first hand experience.

 

What kind of medication are you on? Most meds should not be abruptly discontinued, and can even make your symptoms acutely worse if you quickly go off them without tapering the dosage under careful watch of your doctor or psychiatrist.

 

Just want you to be safe, and to know the facts.

 

((HUGS))

[Spugly Fuglet]

always a pleasher and I know I speack for every one here on ENA.

 

let us know how you get on and come and vent any time

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I understand what it's like to want to exit life stage left. I'm all for freedom of choice, and wish you luck in whatever you choose to do.

[JoJo90814]

Hi,

I have done extensive reading on medication and some people say some medications make them feel worse and more depressed. Maybe Wellbut. has that effect on you.

 

I am an avid Oprah watcher, lol, and she recently had a show on about people who had attempted suicide but survived. All three people are happy now and are very grateful that they survived. The message: Even in the worst times you will find a way out.

Do you isolate yourself? I find that having love in your life helps relieve depression. Maybe volunteer at the Red Cross- surround yourself with people and help others in the process. : )

[Blue Skittles]

Hey everyone...

 

Well, I went back to the doctor. He went as far as to prescribe another medication (effexor) to be taken with the welbutrin i'm already on. BOTH AT ONCE!!!! Is this normal?? does anyone know??? I don't think this is right. I tried to tell the doctor I was having enough problems on one med and I certainly don't need 2, but he insisted it would work. I don't trust him. I'm going to go back to my family doctor when I have time, and I'm going to get him to send me to a psychiatrist. I think what I need is some really good counselling, and no pills. I also bought a monthly membership to the gym and I have been going every single day and that itself is making me feel a LOT better. Also my auntie came into town and if theres anyone thats had a rough life, its her. Anyways, shes mroe like a friend to me than my auntie but we had a really good visit last night and we're going to go shopping tonight, but the point is, having some good company around has really kept my mind off things.