will my ex and his new g/f last??

[kath123]

i would like to know what other people think about relationships that start from affairs! My partner left me for a woman who is married with children, we also have two children.

When we met over ten years ago he had some serious issues with trust and his jealousy and insecurities threatened our reationship to the point where i insisted on therapy. We both attended several sessions, some together and some individually I dont know what was spoken about during his individual sessions as the therapist advised us to keep these sessions to our selves, but during my sessions i was asked what i thought of infidelity. I have strong views on this and think it is the worst thing someone can do to another person and the idea of doing this to somebody you love deeply fills me with horror.

I dont know if my views were passed onto my ex during his therapy but in any case things improved drastically from then on to the point that we no longer required further therapy and the jelousy was not there any more(or at least not apparent)

So i find it hard to believe that he is now the one that has cheated and even more unbelievable that he can consider having a relationship with someone who herself has cheated on her own husband to be with him.

I hope all his insecurities come back to haunt him because i feel i was the one who ultimately helped him to be cured of these negative emotions to begin with, only to have it thrown back in my face.

I hope his relationship fails with this other woman but that is probably because of my own pain at the moment,it has only been three weeks since he left so everything is still up in the air,but i would appreciate some of you readers views on my thoughts.

Has anyone else out there been in this situation if so what happened inthe end?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

I'm sorry about how much pain you're in right now - it's not good, and three weeks is still very early for you to come to terms with the break up, infidelity and so on.

 

I have no idea whether your ex will last with this new woman. I can understand why you're so hung up on this, and wanting it to fail, but who knows? My personal thoughts is that if someone has cheated on their partner to be with you, you'll probably never truly trust them because you've seen them lie with ease.

 

However, you need to focus on you and how you're going to heal. I know that's easy to say, and impossible to put into action, but it doesn't matter how long he's with this new woman. You cannot put your life on hold whilst putting their lives at the emotional centre of your own. Are you getting the support that you need? Do you feel that you're in a position to focus on yourself right now, and move on? Not in a sense that the pain will go away quickly - that takes time; but more that you can realise that you're much more important than he is.

 

(On one final note - I do believe personally that people get what they deserver sometimes, and that karma will bite you on the backside)

[sounhappy]

My advice is try and cut him off even though you care deeply.pretend you dont, try to have no contact, get someone else to take the children to him......let him wonder what yr upto, spend time with friends, go out, date again....blank him, he will soon be wondering. I hope he gets what he deserves. Karma will get him.

[arwen]

It's totally understandable that you wish this relationship to fail. It's a natural feeling after this horrible situation, you want him to 'pay' for what he did to you. The truth is, after a while I think you will be able to focus more on your own happiness. Do you want to get back together with this man? I can see that you having children with him of course plays a role. I have no experience there, and although I wasn't cheated on 'physically', my Ex has left me for someone else, someone he had fallen in love with when whe were broken up for a while.

 

I thought we were back together, but it turned out that he just used me for sex because that girl was engaged at that time and nothing could happy. So I was like a security blanket for him, but unaware of this.

 

I have wished for a long time that this relationship would fail. When we were still occasionally talking, I'd be 'happy' to hear how his new partner was not interested in sex, and that things were better with me. Now I realize that was very LOW of him to tell me that. Not for me, but for the girl. It's not fair, when he was with me he was talking trash of her (now I know that was because he was in pain because she wouldn't be with him at that time). God knows what he tells her about me.

 

You know, I don't care anymore. For all I care they get married and have children. Whatever. I moved on, found myself back and am happy with someone who is 10 times the man my ex will EVER be. In the end, I gained from this, while he still tries to contact me because what he did to me and her, still bothers him in his present relationship. Well, that is what he pays for what he did. I had no role in that, I like to believe it's Karma. I have a clear conscience, I never cheated or lied, and this relationship of him (as the one of your husband with his affair-woman)--- it's the fruit from a LIE. I think for most people, lies will in time backfire in their life. But that is not for YOU to worry about. The universe will take care of that I think.

 

Ilse

[Rabican]

From a karma standpoint... him getting what he deserves it should go down like this. They fall madly in love and get married, then she cheats on him, he cheats on her, they end up in a brutal divorce and both of them hate their lives. That would happen in the perfect world.

 

However, from your point of view, you should not care. You should move on, and do not worry, or concern yourself with his new relationship. Move on, heal. Get a lawyer, and concern yourself with getting custody of your kids. If you feel he is a bad role model for your kids (i would) i would do everything possible to limit or eliminate any contact with the kids... but thats your call.

 

Dont worry about him, worry about you and your children.

[kath123]

thanks to all for your replies it does help to have someone to help me through this.Its so difficult at the moment to think logically,i no we have no future because of his infidelity, even if he were to come crawling back, but because of the pain i am suffering i want him to feel pain as well. i think this would make me feel better.

Sometimes i do feel stronger and try to focus on myself rather than him and her but i miss him being at home so much that i cant get it out of my head.

Ive tried keeping myself busy and being focussed on my kids takes up a great deal of my time,but the thoughts are always there with me.

When will these horrible feeling leave me and let me have some peace??

[JoeWho]

It takes a long time for the thoughts of the ex to "go away". I suspect that the thoughts will never go away in the sense of no longer exsisting, but the thoughts of the ex do change with time and the pain that comes with the thoughts gets less and less severe. Its all still fresh for you so just be patient and know that it will get better (I know you must be sick of hearing that, but its true). In a month you will be able to look back and clearly see that you are a getting better. Hang in there.

[Honey Pumpkin]

thanks to all for your replies it does help to have someone to help me through this.Its so difficult at the moment to think logically,i no we have no future because of his infidelity, even if he were to come crawling back, but because of the pain i am suffering i want him to feel pain as well. i think this would make me feel better.

Sometimes i do feel stronger and try to focus on myself rather than him and her but i miss him being at home so much that i cant get it out of my head.

Ive tried keeping myself busy and being focussed on my kids takes up a great deal of my time,but the thoughts are always there with me.

When will these horrible feeling leave me and let me have some peace??

 

I think it's something that passes with time. You just have to keep working at it, and focusing on yourself. Gradually the pain eases, until as Ilse says, you won't *care* any more about what happens to him.

 

There's no quick fix - were that there were one! But time and not brooding about him and his new life will help. You have your lovely children, and to be honest, someone who would do this to you is not worth another moment of your time.

 

Good luck!

[Juliana]

I can tell you what I have seen, what I've experienced, and what I've read in a case study book of fifty different affairs and their outcomes. These are general conclusions I've come to; they are not hard and fast rules.

 

Generally speaking, the person who decides to cheat and leave the relationship in that way is morally and intellectually shallower than the faithful partner. They are, in other words, spiritually inferior. Only certain people will take up with someone who is committing adultery; they also, are spiritually inferior. They lack depth and commitment to values, and tend to do the expedient thing in the moment.

 

The relationships born from these affairs may work, but that is not the point. Nowadays it is not difficult to get a divorce. It is not impossible to sit down and say to your partner "I'm sorry, I've changed, and I don't think we will ever make each other happy. I don't want to hurt you, or ruin your future, so I'm leaving." People who choose not to have that discussion but who commit adultery instead are not of the highest moral calibre, let's say. It is not unusual for someone who has committed adultery once to do it again, cheating on the person they were originally cheating with. So what are you losing, and what is the other woman gaining?

 

Mia Farrow wrote a great book called "What Falls Away," about her relationships, in particular the one with Woody Allen. In it it becomes horrifyingly obvious that she and Allen could not have remained together because she was so much the better person, there was no way for her to communicate with him in any meaningful way. It is possible for a person to become so immoral and selfish that from a societal point of view, they become essentially insane, with none of their actions matching what they profess to believe or want others to believe about them. People don't think of differences in values and morals as being a problem in day-to-day communication, but it is. Eventually your lives will diverge so much, you simply will not be able to stay together.

 

An affair is the culmination of that process sometimes; the inferior partner just "falls away," as Farrow says. Whether or not their relationship thrives doesn't matter. Spoilt fruit is still too rotten to eat.

[kath123]

thankyou juliana for your reply,

anything advice anyone can offer at this difficult time can only help me get stronger!

thanks again to everyone

[BeStrongBeHappy]

kath123,

 

is there a chance that his unfounded jealousy all along might be because he is and always has cheated on you, and hence got worried you might do the same, the only difference this time is that he's gotten in a bit deeper and has taken a runner?

 

i had been married 7 years when my ex-husband suddenly became angry with me all the time (for no apparent reason) and started obsessing about what i was doing with my time away from him, and calling me at work constantly and checking up on me to see what i was doing and who i was with. he was very worried that he was losing me, but nothing had changed from my perspective, so the whole business puzzled me and i constantly reassured him.

 

Turns out the problem was HE had begun cheating on me and had started wondering that hey, if he could do it, maybe i was doing it... so it was a very unthought out behavior, for him to become jealous of me when he was the one running around, but very common behavior... sauce for the gander was not supposed to be sauce for the goose in his mind, so he started worrying about what i was doing all the time. he wasn't ready (and never did want to) get divorced, but his emotions betrayed what HE was up to... and when i found out, i divorced him because i could not trust him and did not want to deal with all his own jealousy related to me, that was totally unjustified and triggered by his own behavior...

 

so yes, as Mia Farrow said, What Falls Away is sometimes a good thing, for YOU!!

 

so there is no telling if his 'new' relationship will last, but your question has to be do you want to take him back, especially when he might just be a big (and long term) cheater, and you just haven't known about it?