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I am not able to sleep with women...literally


Cardinal
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In short, I can't sleep with women. I'd love to be able to fall asleep in a woman's arms and feel what a wonderful feeling that is but I have never done it to my knowledge.

 

Potential Reasons for This

 

1) High Sex Drive. Sometimes any amount of touching will be too arousing to fall asleep. Warm body, skin on skin....bad call. Blind me, put me on a strong dose of antidepressants and dress her up like an eskimo and me with a three inch thick pair of pants and we might be getting somewhere, lol! Honestly though, there have been a number of times when the horniness isn't an issue and I still can't go to sleep....

 

2) Vulnerability. I can't explain it and haven't even talked to my partners about it but there is a vulnerability aspect to falling asleep and I am certain that is playing some sort of role. It is like my mind work against me here and doesn't want to let go of consiousness. I get the same feeling when I see a person get knocked out in a fight. This is a big reason for my problem imo.

 

3) Position and Bed Size. I only fall asleep on my stomach or on my side in one of three positions and I seem to need to shift between positions several times before I go to sleep. Makes it tough to cuddle. I have very normal sleeping habits alone. No hangups. Bed size....I did fine the one night I have slept in a king sized bed with my ex...we weren't touching and I got a good nights sleep. Doesn't solve the main issue though.

 

I don't know if two people could possibly fit together any better than my current SO and I do. It is comfortable, completely natural and a perfect fit. She is a quiet sleeper who doesn't move and doesn't wake up easy. She can fall asleep in any position and wants above all to hold onto me and go to sleep together....I want that too, but have never been able to make that happen! I want to do this for us both! Any suggestions? What am I overlooking? How can I make this work?

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I know a guy with similar problems. He's asleep in the next room, and his wife is snoring accross the hall. After seeing how this seriously affects their marriage, I strongly advise seeing a sleep specialist right now.

 

This may seem intrusive, but are you a fairly high-energy person with lots of specific preferences?

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OH yeah, this causes problems. I'm now awake...again! Shifting...tossing and turning...snoring, I can't sleep with that! then he says, 'you act like you don't want to sleep with me'! 'Why wont you come to bed when I do'! oh cussszz...I'm rude and I like to sleep when I go to BED!

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I know a guy with similar problems. He's asleep in the next room, and his wife is snoring accross the hall. After seeing how this seriously affects their marriage, I strongly advise seeing a sleep specialist right now.

 

This may seem intrusive, but are you a fairly high-energy person with lots of specific preferences?

 

To clarify, I don't think there is anything you could ask me that I would consider too intrusive. You might need to make it a bit clearer what you are asking though as I am not sure I understand. I actually have a pretty calm, quiet and patient personality. Laid back and relaxed most of the time. I don't have a lot of specific requirements (sexually or otherwise).

 

I would conisder going to a sleep specialist actually. I didn't consider this beforehand because I think I am the definition of a normal sleeper (7-8 hours per night and I am pretty good at making it consistently the same time each night. I am a night owl for sure, which makes it take about 30 minutes usually for me to fall asleep, but aside from that I am normal as can be when I am alone.

 

I wonder what advice a sleep specialist might be able to offer me? Not dissing the idea, but I'd like to know how it may help before I consider that further.

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Have you tried having her stay awake, bundling you up, and holding you until you fall asleep?

 

Might be too difficult to fall asleep that way from the get-go. Could practice with relaxation times where she puts total attention to you and you relax. Done regularly you might ease that sense of vulnerability and develop the trust that everything will be ok.

 

Extreme horniness like that can be a way of keeping the action going so you can avoid relaxing and to keep getting the comfort of loving attention. Maybe not, but maybe.

 

With the positioning you could spoon or be spooned by her. My ex had to be on one specific side to sleep or else he would wake himself up. It was easy to fall asleep in a spoon and then i would roll over eventually and take over the bed to sleep on my stomach. it worked. lol.

 

here's hoping something works for ya..

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Cardinal, I am quite similar in my sleeping eccentricities, though apparently not so bad off. I am able to sleep well with a partner after we have done so several times, but the first few times together invariably have me tossing and turning all night with the mind racing. Yes, hormones are possibly a factor to an extent, though the inability to sleep persists sometimes even after several orgasms.

 

I suppose it is only problematic if it persists indefinitely. How frequently are you allowing yourself the opportunity to relax and doze off with your partner? If you do not live together and are sporadically sleeping over, odds are good that you've not allowed enough consistency and repetition to fall into a groove. My partner and I do not live together, so the sporadic night here or there can be somewhat uncomfortable, while during weeks together on vacation I become so used to her being aside me that I am actually uncomfortable sleeping alone again for a few days after. Appears to be a simple matter of conditioning.

 

Let me ask you this. Are you an only child? If you had sublings, were they always in a separate room? I, incidentally, am an only child. My own uneasiness in sleeping in the presense of others -- it's not just someone in the bed, but on a friend's couch with people in the room, backseat of a moving car, etc. -- has led me to my own theory. Never in my life have I been forced to cohaibitate consistently with others in a bedroom (I'd have an awful time in jail, eh?), so my efforts at falling fast asleep along with my partner after sex typically are futile until I've done so with said partner a few times.

 

I know couples who have slept in separate rooms for years. Usually one is a chronic snorer enough such that their partner has little choice but to sleep elsewhere. They utilize the bed together solely for sexual relations, and are otherwise quite happy with their overnight arrangements. I, personally, prefer the intimacy of laying adjacent to my partner, but sleeplessness for any reason should not be a deal breaker.

 

If you do reside together and after several weeks are still entirely incapable of resting soundly in the sack with your mate, as a last resort you can try prescription sleeping pills (though you'll rapidly incur a tolerance to them). If the king size bed helps at all, then great. If more sex helps, even better for you! You'll figure it out with your partner, eventually... and if not, remember that the Flinstones slept in separate beds for all those years whilst remaining very happy!

 

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itsallgrand,

 

Okay I am liking where you are going with this.

 

I am hot natured so bundling up doesn't result in sleep for me...but....I think the relaxation technique is a great suggestion that I will bring up to her. She has some amazing hands. After an orgasm I could totally see going with a whole body massage idea (and definitely a temple massage several times...that has a way or really relaxing a person if done right) eventually resulting in light relaxing motions on her part. If she is able or willing to stay up longer than I can and do this for several nights it just might work! It might also help me get over the vulnerability issue. I love her massages! I have definitely reciprocated this already and she loves going to sleep this way.

 

Unfortunately it will be a week before i get a chance to try it as she is making a trip to Chi town...I am hoping to have a whole bag of trick to work with by the time she gets back!

 

It almost works when she spoons me (NEVER the other way around...talk about major turn on!) except that I have to change positions.

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Ok, this doesn't come anywhere near the thoughtful and detailed analysis provided by my honoured co-posters, but it may still be useful: with both men I've slept with (I'm still with the second one btw and intend to stay that way it simply took a while to get used to it. With the first, whom I only shared a bed with on weekends, it took a looooooong time to get used to him being there and get a decent night's sleep. With my current love, we slept together every day from the beginning and it went a lot quicker. For me, it simply takes getting used to, and I've heard the same from friends. Now I have such a hard time falling asleep without him!

 

Totally with you on the king-sized beds though!

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I have problems sleeping with someone. These are my terms:

 

1. No need to sleep cuddled. It is a movie trick. You can cuddle after sex, but sleeping requires 2 pillows, 2 blancets, and a bed for two persons who sleep on different sides of bed. Good night kiss and go to your side. Also I suggest wearing clothes, not sleeping naked.

2. Buy earplugs. It helps a lot

3. Check up the bed position - maybe it is a bad one.

4. Don't restrain yourself in changing the position you sleep in - if you're on different sides of bed you can move (not jump)

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is is considered a bad thing to not "sleep together" where you fall asleep cuddling like in the movies or during mattress ads? I'm in my second serious relationship, and I've found that I just can't fall asleep being cuddled, or cuddling someone. I sleep on my stomach with one arm under the pillow and the other under my head, kind of stork like. that's that only real way I feel comfortable. We just spoon for a bit, then we move over to our sides of the bed. It doesn't bug me, people just simply have different sleeping styles. Also, it does take a bit to get used to sleeping together on weekends or on vacation, as opposed to when you are home by yourself. Don't stress too much about it.

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Thanks for everyone who has replied so far. Your suggestion have been very helpful!

 

is is considered a bad thing to not "sleep together" where you fall asleep cuddling like in the movies or during mattress ads? I'm in my second serious relationship, and I've found that I just can't fall asleep being cuddled, or cuddling someone. I sleep on my stomach with one arm under the pillow and the other under my head, kind of stork like. that's that only real way I feel comfortable. We just spoon for a bit, then we move over to our sides of the bed. It doesn't bug me, people just simply have different sleeping styles. Also, it does take a bit to get used to sleeping together on weekends or on vacation, as opposed to when you are home by yourself. Don't stress too much about it.

 

I sleep exactly as you do and that position is tough for contact in many ways, especially if you switch from right to left and vice versa. I am not going to stress too much over it (its been going on a long time now).

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1) orgasm with her like 4 or 5 times before sleep

2) get over it!

3)take a sleeping pill

 

I am going with option two. Option one would take forever. I last too long. Option three? I think I'd rather just sleep in a different bed. No need for a sleeping pill. I am going to try getting over it by falling asleep before she does at least a few times. It bugs me that I am somehow not mentally comfortable doing that. It may take a lot more conditioning than a few times though...something I have to look forward to when I am living with a woman I guess.

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This part will be completely couterproductive and will add nothing to the thread but:

I have the oppisite problem, i'll cuddle with my gf in any position for 5 minutes and i'll be out like a light.

More enlightening:

I've read several articles/studies that say most people sleep less deeply and not as long when they're with their partner than if they were alone. Yet when told of that fact, and asked if they would still sleep with their partner almost everyone said yes. I'd say a portion of those people are those who think it's an obligation to sleep with your partner, but i'd also bet theres bonding benefits as well.

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Let me interject a new question here: Why do I need to "hug" a pillow or two between one arm and my abdomen in order to sleep? I have always done that, and I'm sure several of you do as well.

 

Is it a subconscious need for a partner? To psychoanalyze deeper, is it in some way a comforting security agent? Physically it is more comfortable, obviously, but why? I do tend to want to hold my partner near me as we sleep, though I quickly find myself turning away from her as I roll over to hug those pillows... Maybe Freud would surmise that I'd slept with stuffed animals too late into life as a child, and an Eastern religionist would have me pegged as a football running back in a former life...

 

Also found it interesting what the poster said regarding shallow sleep in the presense of a partner. Aside from the usual rigors of a vacation, I do tend to feel more drained after she and I have spent a week or two in a bed together, even if I've managed to sleep for a solid eight hours (although that could likewise be due to exponential increase in net orgasms). Maybe the Flintstones were on to something?

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I hug a pillow under one arm and also sometimes put one under the abdomen. As far as I can tell for me it is purely physiological. I think there is a proper back alignment for sleeping (namely laying on your back with proper spinal alignment for your bodyshape). The pillow under the abdomen takes pressure off my lower back and spine. The pillow under the arm aligns my neck with my spine so that my neck isn't improperly arched. Purely physiological for me.

 

The feeling of being drained is certainly interesting. I have slept with my girl for 4/5 nights one week. I felt like I had been hit by a truck and my circadian rhythm appeared to be non existant. It is like superman sleeping in a bed of kryptonite. Exhausted but no rest.

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Let me interject a new question here: Why do I need to "hug" a pillow or two between one arm and my abdomen in order to sleep?

Because it makes the fetal position that much more comforting. I sleep like that every night. I say who needs a sleeping pill when you've got a pillow pressed between your arms and legs.

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