My Daughter Doesnt Want Me to Date

[Chibby33]

My ex husband and I divorced 2 years ago, we've remained close friends although he moved to another state. Then I was in another serious relationship, we talked about getting married and having kids together, he moved to my state and in my house for over a year. The relationship ended over a month ago because we both were unhappy. It was a big mistake for having him move in with us, although we had so much fun and he gave us the feeling of being a family, it was just too soon for us to live together. I do regret it a lot.

 

I am still depressed because I think I made several wrong decisions in my life that affected my daughter. Although she's ok and has been my rock through this turmoil, I dont want her to experience another big change in her life because of her mom.

 

Anyway I had a talk with my 8-year old daughter and she made it clear that she doesnt want mommy to have another boyfriend ever. Although it will take years before I consider dating again, should I follow my daughter's wish and close all hope for another relationship?

[millaj]

Your daughter is only eight years old, and shouldn't be making those type of decisions for you. I know that sometimes she may be your "rock", and will be there for you, but I think it will cause her much more pain in the future. You should be able to date, and do what you want because you are an adult. The problem is that when most adults include their children in on their "adult" business, they have no other choice than to feel that they can control you in that area. She is the child, and you are the adult. You deserve to be happy, so take your time and date and make sure the person you bring in your life is going to be good for you and your daughter. Don't bring guys around though, because she will get confused.

[rose2summer]

Children can go through such a psychological ride when parents divorce, the arguing, bickering, really takes it's toll on them.

 

Then you jumped into another relationship that affected your daughter.

 

I think if it really hurt her, you should find out why, did you fight in front of her, were you unloving towards each other.

 

I would hope that if she is really scared, maybe you can curb her fears before dating again.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Chibby33]

YEs the reason I had to part with my husband was that he argues in front of our daughter. She's closer to me so she sticks to me like velcro - when we argue, I walk away from him but he still follows me around. SO yes, she has witnessed our arguments. With fella #2, we dont argue in front of her but she knows when there's an issue becuase #2 sulks for days and sleeps in the basement. She also sees mommy sad. On the other hand she does see us loving and cuddling.

 

Bottom line, I wont bring another person in our house. Although I refuse to hide or lie to her, when the right (please God!) person comes, I really dont know what to tell her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You wrote the following words in this thread,

Although it will take years before I consider dating again

 

and the following in another thread (today as well)

Anyway, there was this guy i dated before I met my fiance. He has a nice job, has a place of his own, and i knew he would take care of me. Very mature. But unfortunately he was not my type physically. So me being an idiot went with this other good looking loser - so i learned my lesson and got burnt. There were times when I was with my fiance that I thought about this other guy and how he would have made me happier. Anyway he and i started communicating again and he still felt the same way about me. Actually waited for me all these years. Should I go for it?? I dont want to make another mistake when I know he will make me happy. Is it too soon?? HELP!!

 

It sounds to me like you are focusing too much on having a man in your life and not enough time on being happy within yourself and your own life. To go from talking about jumping into the dating scene with this guy who is crazy about you but you feel ambivalent about, to talking about never dating again because your 8 year old daughter says so, is going from one extreme to another. You need to focus on yourself and your daughter. You have to be strong enough to be the one making decisions, not letting other people make them for you.

 

He has a nice job, has a place of his own, and i knew he would take care of me.

 

There were times when I was with my fiance that I thought about this other guy and how he would have made me happier.

 

Yes about the temper, he certainly brought out the worst in me.

 

You need to start taking control of your life and being responsible for taking care of yourself and your own happiness and anger management.

[Meow18]

I think you should date if you feel like it's what you want. You deserve to find love and be loved. Of course you care what your daughter's opinion is, but I know she wants you to be happy in the end. Being 8 years old she probably just doesn't understand the whole idea.

 

After seeing you go through a break up just a little while ago, I'm sure your daughter is partly scared of it happening to you again. I think it's normal for children to feel this way about their parents dating.

 

I think you should talk to her about how she's feeling because there could be a number of reasons why she isn't happy about the idea of you dating. And just by talking to her about the way she's feeling could help a whole lot.

 

The other important thing in my opinion is that she doesn't need all these men coming in and going out of her life. If she's going to learn about loving others, she needs an example from a secure relationship. So, I would say not to introduce her to the men you date until something serious does come from it.

[Chibby33]

I think you nailed it MEOW. And it's not like I'm jumping to a relationship this instant. There are a lot of cleansing, praying, and soul searching before anything happens. When the next episode comes, i'll make sure I use my head and consider what's best for me and my daughter.

[itsallgrand]

A little girl should NOT be her mother's rock.

 

I had to say that. That is just WRONG. You have no idea, obviously, how that affects a kid. She needs a rock - uh, YOU - and she should not be expected or used to stabilize you. You are the grown-up (even if you don't feel like it) and she is a child.

 

You're making her grow up before she is capable of it. She is missing out.

 

Splash some water on your face. Reach out to your friends and family, and focus on your daughter and yourself.

 

Contain the damage now, and give her a good shot in the world. She needs her mum.

[Chibby33]

Itsallgrand - I think there is absolutely nothing wrong about my daughter being my rock. I do not bear that upon her like a job, right now it's just me and her supporting each other and she is very strong for me as I have for her. We are each other's rock and that's the way it is. Also, it insults me, sorry to say that you would claim just so loosely that I have not idea how my actions affect my child. Terribly sorry but how dare you - you have no idea who I am. I thank God everyday that I have been blessed with a strong, intelligent, and high self-esteemed daughter. Although I sometimes do congratulate myself for having raised her as such. I perceive that you think I am a horrible mother and you should never, ever assume that about another parent. THAT my dear "is JUST WRONG."

[southerngirl]

Im going to throw something out there.

 

YOu may fully disagree and thats okay.

 

I dont think you should be dating at all for at least another year.

 

Give yourself and your daughter the important time it will take to heal from the broken relationship from not only her father but from your recent rebound situation.

 

She is scared. She doesnt want to be involved with any new men. I dont blame her.

 

I was divorced too from my 8 year olds father, but he ws only 14 months old. I did get involved with someone new about a year later and we were together for almost 2 years.

 

After that, I remained single for 3 more years. Until I married my now husband that is. If I did date, I kept my son out of it, and didnt even let him know it had happened. Also he didnt meet this new man until I was very sure that he was going to be a fixture in his life.

 

Whatever you do, dont do what my aunt did to her kids. While growing up she was constantly having different men into her kids lives. Now in her 50s she's been married 8 times. 9 counting the one that she dated for four years that wouldnt marry her. Who knows why she kept getting married. Growing up I can remember attending at least 4 of these weddings, although Im sure I was at all of them once I was born.

 

I also must say that your child does not need to be your rock. YOu need to be her rock instead. She should not be involved in adult situations or decisions such as when and who you should date. I know firsthand what its like to be a single mom and while my son has allways been an emotional support for me I have tried to be very careful that he is also allowed to be a child.

 

I know you love your daughter and your doing the best that you can do. Just think about it, and do allow yourself time to heal.

 

One year of being date free in your life may seem like torture to go through but for her? Its a blessing.

[Chibby33]

I agree SouthernGirl. Thanks.

[Chibby33]

Actually I have decided a long time ago that I am not getting married again. My ex husband and I are still very good friends and that's fine with me and my daughter. Dating, yes. Relationships, sure. But not going to get married again. Nothing wrong with others tying the knot again and that's awesome; it's just my own personal choice, that's all. My brother who's a psychiatrist said it best about dating again.

 

"Not yet. Give it a year. REST REST REST. Companionship is not always equal to a relationship. It should never be tied to an intimate relationship always. Companionship can be with a friend, with mom and dad, with me, with frankie. If you are looking for a companionship, go and meet with your friends. If you are looking for an intimate relationship, now is not the time. You split with [ex husband] Dec 2005 and you've only been FREE last August 2006. When was the last time you've enjoyed LIFE? Ask yourself that question. I'm sure you won't find the answer in the last seven years. I'm not saying [ex husnabd] was bad during the 7 years..but you've carried [ex fiance] and [ex husband]'s burden for the past 8 years…isn't it time to unload the burden??? REST…"

 

The thing is, in both relationships, I've always been the one who supported them financially, as well as everything else. I got tired of everyone depending on me for even the little things. I bought the cars, clothes, anything they want and not a single piece of clothing for myself. I really do want someone to take care of me. Not financially because I make a lot, have my own house, etc. , but just to carry the burden in this partnership, that's all. I guess that person will have to be me and that's ok.

[southerngirl]

Your brother gave you great advice. Sometimes one needs enough time to regroup and become your own best friend again.

[Chibby33]

Sometimes one needs enough time to regroup and become your own best friend again.

 

YES!!! You are absolutely correct Southerngirl! Thank you.

 

I was programmed for so long to clean up other people's mess. I made sure everyone is happy before my own happiness. To be honest with you Southerngirl, I am tired, so tired of being expected to fix everything. Is that the only thing I'm good at? Now that my ex is gone along with his daily problems, what am I supposed to do with all this time? My mind becomes idle and that's when depression sinks in. Sometimes I'd rather have all the problems coming as long as I'm not alone. I talk to God every night to show me his plans and to take the pain away.

 

I am so scared of being alone. I panic at the thought that I have nobody. It's my fault I guess - I didnt train myself to recover on my own. It's always been one bf, after the next. Looking back, I really messed up my life.

 

I was crying as I drove home from work. Loneliness pounds my soul daily.

[Scout]

Now that my ex is gone along with his daily problems, what am I supposed to do with all this time? My mind becomes idle and that's when depression sinks in. Sometimes I'd rather have all the problems coming as long as I'm not alone.

 

Sounds to me like you're a born "rescuer," a "fixer," and a "do-er." Which means you'd probably really enjoy volunteering for some sort of cause. You thrive and feel good on being "needed." Nothing wrong with that, as long as you're not getting taken advantage of, and in relationships when one person assumes this role 24/7, you can bet they're probably getting taken advantage of!

 

Volunteering could also be something you involve your daughter in, as well. That would be a pretty meaningful activity for the two of you to share.

[NCMom]

After my marriage ended...and I had another bad live in relationship....my daughter's didn't want me to date anymore....and I haven't. My Dad screwed up my life by bringing in a stranger that became my step-mom....I didn't want that to happen to my kids.

[Chibby33]

After my marriage ended...and I had another bad live in relationship....my daughter's didn't want me to date anymore....and I haven't. My Dad screwed up my life by bringing in a stranger that became my step-mom....I didn't want that to happen to my kids.

 

 

NC - you and I were in the very same situation. How do you handle being alone? I've decided never to marry again, but what if the right guy comes - no marriage, but no relationship as well?? Help me.

[NCMom]

NC - you and I were in the very same situation. How do you handle being alone? I've decided never to marry again, but what if the right guy comes - no marriage, but no relationship as well?? Help me.

 

I have no desire to be in any relationship. My daughters are the most important things in my life.....even after they are grown, I don't know if I'd want one then...I can't see myself changing my routine, or anything else....for a man. I love never having to answer to anyone...I make my own rules!