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sex on the first date


bighair
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Hi Guys:

 

Well, I FINALLY had my date with the date canceller. You guys might remember that I met this guy, Joe, on line 3 months and we had some difficulty having our first date because he cancelled on me twice.

 

Anyway, we had our date this past weekend. I did something really non traditional. I went to his house and spent the evening there. He made dinner, and we watched a movie and talked for hours I really ended up liking him in person.

 

Of course, the plan was to sleep in separate rooms. We ended up making out on the couch and he attempted to sleep on the couch. Next thing I know, we end up in bed together and well....the name of my thread.

 

I never do things like this on the first date. I just felt like i knew him already given all the on line/phone contact for the last several weeks. He was sweet, romantic, and just pretty damn hot.

 

WE're adults...both in our thirties. It was a really sexy evening. we had coffee together this morning. WE had a very affectionate parting, long hugs, nice kisses....

 

So, am I crazy? I know we're not supposed to do this on our "first" date. Now, comes the anxiety over the next communication, a second date....Will he call? All of that.

 

I just wanted it so badly...too late to regret it now!

 

Thoughts?

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I hope he calls, but you kind of handed him over everything on the first go around. The mystery is gone. Its like instead of reading the book you went right to the ending and missed all the middle. Especially if he was a constant canceller of your dates. Did you ever find out why he cancelled so many times before?

 

I really hope that he is a good guy. Although, talking with my friends sometimes guys have little tests. "If the girl is someone who will sleep with me on the first date will sleep with anyone on the first date."

 

You had a fun time and you can't let regrets get in the way. All you can do is be the same person you were before the date.

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Well, I'm glad that things went well on the date.

 

The fact that you talked for hours is a good sign. Normally, if he was only into one thing then he wouldn't have cared to talk.. so I have a feeling you will be hearing from him again.

 

The only advice I have is to just take things slow. Right now you are still getting to know each other, and this is the time where you need to build a good relationship that includes good communication and just getting to know who the other person really is.. and that can take months.

 

But I'm happy for you. It sounds like you had a great time and I'm sure you will hear back from him!

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why did you go out with the date canceller?

 

I really wanted to see him after all the time we spent communicating. I like him. I just rolled the dice.

 

I hope he calls, but you kind of handed him over everything on the first go around. The mystery is gone. Its like instead of reading the book you went right to the ending and missed all the middle. Especially if he was a constant canceller of your dates. Did you ever find out why he cancelled so many times before?

 

I really hope that he is a good guy. Although, talking with my friends sometimes guys have little tests. "If the girl is someone who will sleep with me on the first date will sleep with anyone on the first date."

 

You had a fun time and you can't let regrets get in the way. All you can do is be the same person you were before the date.

 

He explained his reasons for cancelling. ONe reason was plain old cold feet and the other was family commitment. I wasn't thrilled. I don't feel that he is a player.

 

I don't entirely agree with the whole "the mystery is gone" thing. But, if we are to have a rel., I want things to progress slowly and naturally.

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Gosh, I must be way out in left field but this person was a continuous canceller and then you go to his house for a date? Then you end up sleeping with him? What does that add up to? In my experience that equals a playerr. If he was a great guy he would have taken you out somewhere and not done the easy thing and had you come over to his house. A first date should be that a first date not hanging at home.

I hope that I am wrong really I do. But when it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is a duck.

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Gosh, I must be way out in left field but this person was a continuous canceller and then you go to his house for a date? Then you end up sleeping with him? What does that add up to? In my experience that equals a playerr. If he was a great guy he would have taken you out somewhere and not done the easy thing and had you come over to his house. A first date should be that a first date not hanging at home.

I hope that I am wrong really I do. But when it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is a duck.

 

Did it ever occur to you that I wanted to sleep with him as much as he wanted to sleep with me? I intiated the physical contact. He wanted to sleep downstairs. I invited him up to my bed. You know....men aren't the only ones who have a sex drive.

 

I had a great time. Will I be upset if I don't see him again? Sure. But, as I explained, I"m an adult....

 

I don't have time for your judgment.

 

well... I hate to be a "debbie downer", but you are now in a situation where you slept with a guy, but are unsure of if he will call again. And you drove 100 miles to see him! will he cancel another 3 dates before you see him again?

 

Wow..you are a debbie downer. I'm so happy I went out with this guy. I am so sorry I posted this thread!

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Bighair

 

I don't think sex on a first date kills the mystery unless the only mystery is sex.

Sex is but one part of a relationship, not some prize to award someone for jumping through celibate hoops. I've done it without losing interest in the person at all, despite the conventional wisdom that guys are only after one thing.

I agree that women can be the instigator.

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I think you made a conscious decision based on a gut-feeling. And as an adult you made a decision that seemed right at the time.

 

At the very least you had a great evening and that is no small thing.

 

Good luck with the relationship - it may not work but I think there is an equally good chance that it will.

 

Let us know what happens - even those who think it may not work are still hoping that it will.

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I think as you said you had your priorities- to get laid versus trying to get to know him in person, over time. That's cool - you are entitled to your priorities. I am shocked by the others who are trashing this guy as a "player" or "using you." What is the problem with a man who agrees to have sex with a willing partner - how is he using her and how is he a jerk if he never calls again? He is not obligated to call again and indeed by his past behavior he was very honest that he is not a reliable type and not that into her (or else he would have been more reliable and made the effort to plan an actual date rather than a setting for a one night hook up).

 

Bottom line is, you were cool with this, wanted to take the risk given your priorities. I just hope that you are still cool with it if he doesn't call or, if he does but is under the impression that you are cool with just meeting to have sex and nothing further.

 

I respectfully disagree that your typing and talking has any relevance to whether you've known him sufficiently for purposes of having sex. Indeed, what you do know of him shows that he is unreliable.

 

I also would get tested ASAP for STDs.

 

In all, sounds like you had fun and got what you wanted - cool!

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I think as you said you had your priorities- to get laid versus trying to get to know him in person, over time. That's cool - you are entitled to your priorities. I am shocked by the others who are trashing this guy as a "player" or "using you."

 

I respectfully disagree that your typing and talking has any relevance to whether you've known him sufficiently for purposes of having sex. Indeed, what you do know of him shows that he is unreliable.

 

I also would get tested ASAP for STDs.

 

In all, sounds like you had fun and got what you wanted - cool!

 

When the hell did I say that it was my priority to get laid rather than getting to know him over time? I never said that. By the way, I did not have a some cheap hook up in some sleezy place. He made a lovely dinner, we talked for hours, and made breakfast this morning.

 

Again - you don't know about the quality of my contacts...the numbers of phone calls, emails, IMs...You have no idea what I know about him. Wow....I thought this was a safe place to talk...I had no idea that I would receive such judgment and criticism.

 

Batya - did you read my post? I got what I wanted? Wow...how old are you?

 

Like I said - big mistake to share this post.

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Moderator Note: please remember to keep posts respectful.

 

bighair - I think you did nothing wrong and am glad you had a good time. The very best of luck to you with this relationship - I hope that it will turn out to be all you want it to be and see no reason so far why it will not.

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just to mention.... my specific concern wasn't the having of sex on the first date. I know plenty of people who did on the first date and they are in stable, long-term relationships and marriages now.

 

i was more concerned that this guy flaked on her twice, and let her drive out to see him. Especially if the two people have never met before, it's just a really bad impression. IMHO, he should have apologized and made up for it by driving out to her city and taking you her for a proper date. Now he knows he can flake out on her and be disrespectful, but can still have his way. I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior.

 

who knows - he might be a perfect gentleman from this day on... i guess only time will tell....

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I was also just going off your past posts about this guy. I am not condeming you for having a fun time. Gosh, I have done it before too. Although, my experiences never amounted to some great relationship I had fun during the moment.

 

I tend to agree with Annie about driving the 100 miles for the first date. This after he had cancelled on you various times. He should have actually taken you out and come to you or met you half way. You said in a previous post (not verbatim) he needed to work to get back in your good graces. He actually didn't have much to do because it was at his house, and you did the driving. If this does work out make sure that is on an equal balance.

You have a 50/50 chance of this working I hope it does.

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When the hell did I say that it was my priority to get laid rather than getting to know him over time? I never said that. By the way, I did not have a some cheap hook up in some sleezy place. He made a lovely dinner, we talked for hours, and made breakfast this morning.

 

Again - you don't know about the quality of my contacts...the numbers of phone calls, emails, IMs...You have no idea what I know about him. Wow....I thought this was a safe place to talk...I had no idea that I would receive such judgment and criticism.

 

Batya - did you read my post? I got what I wanted? Wow...how old are you?

 

Like I said - big mistake to share this post.

 

You said it yourself - you were willing to take the risks that first date sex entails - that the man will not be interested in a relationship with you, that you will get more attached and more hurt, etc because to you having sex was more important than getting to know him over time. And, no, you don't know him from a hole in the wall when it comes to whether he is suitable to date - you know him as a person on the instant message, e-mail and phone - that is worlds apart from knowing him in-person. So many rapes and assaults happen when women go to a private place with a man the first time they meet in person. You were willing to take these risks because you wanted to have sex more than you wanted to be safe and proceed with reasonable caution. You are an adult and that is your right.

 

and no, I would not have sex with someone I only knew in person for a few hours no matter what we talked about - for one thing you have no idea what his STD situation is - or he, yours - so I have to question both of your judgments on that point, whether or not you used protection. I am not disrespecting you on this point, just wondering where you stand on the common wisdom of STD and protections against them.

 

Again, you are entitled to prioritize having sex on the first date over getting to know someone over time - I too know marriages that started out with first date sex - but to claim that it wasn't sex on the first date (wasn't that the title of your post?) is surprising.

 

I think it's fine to have sex on the first date as long as each person is honest with each other and with themselves about what it is and what it isn't. I am not judging you on this point. I am 40 by the way, I have never had sex on the first date or any type of casual sex and would not, for several reasons including my self-esteem, my health and what sex means to me. I do not judge others for having casual sex. Sounds to me like you are judging yourself a bit given your reaction to my post.

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The "will he or won't he call" issue happens whether or not sex happens on a first date. It is always a mystery whether or not there will be a second date.

Some men may not call back if they slept with a woman on the first date, while others would. Some couples sleep together on the first date, continue dating and get married. You never know what the future holds.

 

Although, talking with my friends sometimes guys have little tests. "If the girl is someone who will sleep with me on the first date will sleep with anyone on the first date."

I hate double standards. I would have to wonder about guys who would test a woman like that....after all, the same thing can be said about the guy....if he slept with girl x on the first date, he would sleep with anyone on the first date. Why would he think the woman's actions were bad when he himself did the same thing?

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I think people are missing the point with would have, should have, could have.

 

What actually happened was that she drove to his place and had a great time and they parted on good terms. Why don't we stop with the pessimistic conjecture, be glad for her that she had a good time and look at the glass as half full instead of half-empty. Time alone will tell if she made the right decision or not.

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The "will he or won't he call" issue happens whether or not sex happens on a first date. It is always a mystery whether or not there will be a second date.

Some men may not call back if they slept with a woman on the first date, while others would. Some couples sleep together on the first date, continue dating and get married. You never know what the future holds.

 

 

I hate double standards. I would have to wonder about guys who would test a woman like that....after all, the same thing can be said about the guy....if he slept with girl x on the first date, he would sleep with anyone on the first date. Why would he think the woman's actions were bad when he himself did the same thing?

 

Yes but the problem is that for those women (and usually it is the women) who get emotionally attached through sex, if the man doesn't call after first date sex he often gets labeled a "jerk" even though he made no promises, or the woman gets even more hurt than she otherwise would and/or can get cynical about all men if she continues to have first date sex. I do not agree with a man testing a woman by seeing if she will have sex on the first date - it is a silly double standard!

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