Asked the EX about meeting up and she responded, need some advice! (Scout if u can)

[Big D]

A little background.. She and I were together for 4 years and have been broken up a little under 4 months. She said that she felt she "fell out of love with me" and she loved me more as her "bestfriend." It should also be noted I'm her only boyfriend and she's been with me since she was 16 (now 20, I'm 22)

 

So I've talked lightly with my ex on a few occasions via email over the past 6 weeks (including emailing me for my birthday).. normally something short and friendly back and fourth, with her always asking about how I've been and my family. Reading one of Gator's latest posts about meeting up with his ex, I read Scout's advice to Gator about emailing his ex because he had nothing to lose. I decided to just go for it lastnight and sent this email:

****

hey there, how are things going on your end?? I hope as good as always! Things here are good too. I'm still not working (yes lazy I know, I've heard it a million times from the folks), but I'm applying at a few places around here in the next week. I wanted to write you because lately I've been thinking a lot about how weird the adjustment has been the past few months of not talking with you at all after almost 4 years of us talking daily about our lives. With that, I was wondering if you might be interested in meeting up sometime at like Starbucks or Cold Stone or getting lunch somewhere to talk about what we've been up to all summer and about the school year. I've really missed talking with you and I'd also like to see you, so I thought it might be fun to get together so we can catch up a bit more away from the e-mails. Give it some thought and let me know what you think.

 

 

I checked my email a few hours ago, and this is what she said back:

 

hey ****. you aren't lazy, i wouldn't get a job either if i didn't really need one. lol. i would be doing much better in school if i didn't have to work all the time. i feel like i have no life, ha. the past three weekends ive stayed home studying b/c i stress out so much about my classes. if i wasn't working, itd prob be easier to handle them, but oh well! anyway, that would be cool to meet up sometime, lunch is a good idea so we can actually sit down and talk for a while. you are right, it has been really weird not talking, i think about that a lot as well. are you sure its not too soon though? i mean are you gonna be okay with it all? just let me know, but im totally down for that. i miss you! there has been so many times that something retarded has happened and i want to call you, but then i realized i couldn't. lol but no one else cares about my stupid stories that i make a huge deal out of. haha. well anyway, let me know a good time for you. im going to cali next weekend but maybe the one after that? i have all day saturdays off, so that'd prob be the best day. bye ***!

 

So... I dont know what to make of it really. She seems to like the idea of meeting up to catch up and missed me and all that... but the one thing that weirds me out is this line

 

"are you sure its not too soon though? i mean are you gonna be okay with it all?"

 

I've had one friend tell me that they think she's probably scared because we haven't seen one another at all and because she misses me since she's spent the past 4 months checking up on me with myspace and friends.

 

Another friend said she thinks she might have moved on already and doesn't want me to feel weird.

 

What should I do?!?

[sidehop]

Take it one day at a time & see how it really goes. You two are meeting up & that's a good sign! If she didn't want to she would've already said no. Good luck

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Guard your heart on this one. She broke it off with you because she fell out of love with you and loved you just as a best friend. Now although she is saying she missed you, she is asking you if you are comfortable meeting up. It sounds to me that she still only regards you as a best friend. Only you know whether or not you can handle being just friends with her. Get together with her but keep it as friends only. Nothing physical, no talk about the relationship. Only time will tell if this will remain just friends or if it will go deeper. You just have to be patient and see how it plays out.

[TheRedQueen]

In my opinion, she is being honest, responsible and caring, by ultimately stating her concern and consideration for your current emotional status with the whole break-up situation before proceeding to meet.

 

I think she truly misses you as a friend, but in respect of your maybe having remnant romantic feelings, she's willing to keep her distance so as not to hurt you during your healing process.

[TheRedQueen]

Guard your heart on this one. She broke it off with you because she fell out of love with you and loved you just as a best friend. Now although she is saying she missed you, she is asking you if you are comfortable meeting up. It sounds to me that she still only regards you as a best friend. Only you know whether or not you can handle being just friends with her. Get together with her but keep it as friends only. Nothing physical, no talk about the relationship. Only time will tell if this will remain just friends or if it will go deeper. You just have to be patient and see how it plays out.

 

Just as a best friend?!?!?!?!

 

If she truly means it, that's a huge deal, and should thereforeeee not be taken as some kind of failed-relationship consolation prize.

[Big D]

I also forgot to mention in my post that she and I split up last year in September... but got back together after about 6 weeks of hanging out and talking. She split up with me then because she was new into college and thought I wanted to see her more since it was more convenient. After we got back together, she said she felt the sparks again and all that. We had another great 6 months with no fighting and spending a lot of time together having fun. The night we split up, we had gone to dinner, come back to my place to watch a movie, then she spilled the news. So it's been interesting to try to put together. One mutual friend even once told me "I dont think she didn't love you, more that she wanted change" aka "is the grass greener"

 

thanks for all the help you will give

[Relationship Coach]

What's the real reason for wanting to meet up with her? Are you really wanting to catch up on her schooling and her summer or are you hoping to use this as a chance to get back with her?

 

I think her asking you if you are going to be OK with this is a sign that she is over you as a BF and you are now being put in the dreaded "friend Zone." Stay away from any talk about your previous relationship or a future chance at another one, you don't want her to feel misled by your original let's get together and catch up line. If she brings the past up or the future then of course it's on her but she really sounds like she's moved on. Be careful and go without lofty expectations.

 

RC

[Scout]

LOL, I laughed at your thread's title...good thing I checked eNotalone one more time before I logged off for the evening!

 

Anyway, I too was a bit reserved about that one line you refer to...referencing if you will be ok with it. I'm not going to lie, my first thought was that she could mean "are you ok with being friends only?" But, your friend's idea on what else she could mean is entirely possible, too.

 

The fact is, you don't know the facts yet. You don't know what she meant by that. It does no good to conjecture possible scenarios, they usually just stress one out. Best to just get the information you need directly from the source. (I'm quoting DN on that line, and it's a good edict to follow when you can.) In this case, only your ex knows.

 

Regarding crazyaboutdogs feedback here...

 

Only you know whether or not you can handle being just friends with her. Get together with her but keep it as friends only. Nothing physical, no talk about the relationship. Only time will tell if this will remain just friends or if it will go deeper. You just have to be patient and see how it plays out.

 

I'm kind of conflicted about this advice. On the one hand, I agree that a highly pressurized talk about the relationship would not be a good idea. But, if you really want to know where she stands, this tactic may not reveal much.

 

I understand it's nerve wracking to potentially set yourself up for rejection. But maybe you could feel things out at the lunch, and if it seems a good opportunity comes up to ask her, "Do you still feel us breaking up was the right decision for you?", well...that's a pretty direct way of getting the information you want. I wouldn't spring it on her right at the beginning of the get-together, though.

[TheRedQueen]

Why must it be viewed as the dreaded "friend-zone"???

 

Post break-up, when I come to my senses, if I still find that I respect my ex enough to want to remain friends with him, at least for me, that's a huge deal.

 

Let's weigh the options here, post break-up one can become either:

a.) a friend,

b.) an enemy, or

c.) a distant and vague memory.

 

In the past having both personally allotted and become each one of these options at least once, I'd say that the most rare option, that being option a.) becoming a friend, is also the most rewarding and indicative of having, and having had a "healthier" relationship.

[friscodj]

A little background.. She and I were together for 4 years and have been broken up a little under 4 months. She said that she felt she "fell out of love with me" and she loved me more as her "bestfriend."

 

You're asking these question because you want her back, don't kid yourself...

 

Four months post 4-year relationship is nothing...especially when your heart was (and still is I have the sneaking suspicion) and her's wasn't...

 

I think she wants to be what she told you four months ago...a bestfriend. And this is a beautiful thing if your hearts are on the same page...otherwise...hand the man your ticket, buckle your seatbelt, shut your eyes, hold on tight, and ride the rollercoaster chasing "what ifs", illusions and projections your heart is generating my friend...and I know every twist and turn my brother...

 

I am a firm believer in serious distance, true distance, after break-ups D and I don't think you've really taken it yet. I read her email and see someone who misses you, feels weird not being able to talk to you, and asking you if you're going to be OK! Don't confuse this with anything more...this is normal and does not mean her feelings for you have changed...

 

So will you be OK? If I was in a relationship with someone for 4 years and they said that to me 4 months ago, I could probably fake it pretty well...but do you want to do that D? Fake it? Or do you want to let go of this and get to a better place emotionally first?????

[Big D]

Hey all, thanks so much for the input and thoughts on this!

 

Yes, I won't lie I'm still in love with her and miss her as more than a friend. This is in the get back together forum of course . But I will agree with you that the whole "moved on" and "friends" thing crossed my mind when I first read her e-mail as well.

 

Although a lot of my reasoning for e-mailing did have to do with wanting to see her in hopes that getting together might spark something in her, I also feel like it could do me good in the long run. I've spent the past 4 months trying my best to get past it and just "move on" like she said. And I understand she's young, has no like experience outside of me, and she's afraid to end up like her mom who is divorced (from her HS sweetheart) and has another bad marriage now. But at the same time, I'll be the first to admit I'm at that stage of trying to ACCEPT it and get past it.

 

The whole relationship and my feelings about her have come through what she's told me. She was the one to tell me she loved me first, she was the one to always talk about marriage and marrying her high school sweetheart, and through hearing all of that enough, I fell into the idea of it too. With how strong her feelings for me always were and how well the relationship had been going, being blindsided by her one night truly did put my head in a bad place.

 

This is why I've felt like seeing her might be best for me in the long run. I've felt like the way things ended after 4 years puts the whole relationship in a negative light with the last image I have of her crying her eyes out and driving away being the one I'll always remember. I was scared to death that unless i faced the fear of seeing her again I'd always end up dwelling on the situation and wondering "what if..."

 

Through it all, I know there is a big part of her that misses me and my family and I think at some level, she still loves me... but apart from that, I feel like I need to see her even if it means hearing from her mouth that she's over me. I think it could get me that sense of closure and know that there is no point in wondering what she thinks or feels anymore. I figured when we were to meet, I'd keep things casual and not bring up the relationship past or present and just see where it takes me. If it presents itself, ask about it. If not, and being around her is too hard (especially if she feels nothing) then I'll just tell her that she was selfish and walked away from the relationship when she was unhappy, and I'll have to do the same from the friendship until I feel it's ok. If it becomes ok.

 

Does that make any sense or do I seem crazy, haha

[TheRedQueen]

On the contrary, you seem incredibly insightful and rational.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[friscodj]

What you say makes perfect sense...in theory...

 

I bet you that you will not hear that she is over you. You won't get this from her, not after reading her email. She is young and has never experienced something like this before. She is confused. She wants you in her life and seeing you will only stir up the feelings and make her more confused as to "what to do with you". This situation is very clear to me...very clear. And you know what? You might get back together again and after doing so will almost surely break up again...

 

And you just read that and are probably thinking "I'll wait for her, be there for her, she'll come around..."

 

You are still in love with this woman. She is not in love with you, or worse yet, "doesn't know how she feels". And while you can sit in front of your computer and wax intellectual like you are, when you see her, look into her eyes, smell her, even feel her touch, laugh with her, when the memories come back...I believe your love and the associated emotions that arise will become a serious obstacle to your plan here...

 

She's 20, you're 22, and I can feel your desires my man. If I were you at your age in your situation, I would chase her. You're damn right I would. You are in love with this woman and that is a beautiful thing. You're not going to really learn about life and love unless you live and love. So go do it, don't cheat yourself out of the gift of discovery...just don't get her pregnant or knock her off...

 

But if you really and truly are trying to "accept this and move on" (yet you post to the "getting back together forum" as you state? your best bet is accept she is gone by being gone...

[TheRedQueen]

What you say makes perfect sense...in theory...

 

I bet you that you will not hear that she is over you. You won't get this from her, not after reading her email. She is young and has never experienced something like this before. She is confused. She wants you in her life and seeing you will only stir up the feelings and make her more confused as to "what to do with you". This situation is very clear to me...very clear. And you know what? You might get back together again and after doing so will almost surely break up again...

 

Now I am officially confused, from what text are you drawing these conclusions that she's the one who's confused???

 

She seems level-headed, lucid and honest about not only stating her own emotions and needs, but also in regards to considering his emotional needs as well.

[TheRedQueen]

Actually, she does know how she feels. She no longer views him as a boyfriend, as much as she views him as a best friend, i.e. she feels more of a compassionate love for the OP than a romantic love.

 

"accept she is gone by being gone"???

 

Hmm, that's kind of like the opposite of the whole Christian doctrine of "turning the other cheek"?

 

Here's my two cents:

 

So she fell out of love with you, that sucks and I'm truly sorry about how that must feel, but should she be punished for this uncontrollable fact?

 

As far as I can assess, she has done you no wrong and has only treated you with the utmost respect. Sure, you can react with your ego by "retaliating" your hurt feelings by intentionally hurting her, but then that would only make you the shmuck in the situation.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just as a best friend?!?!?!?!If she truly means it, that's a huge deal, and should thereforeeee not be taken as some kind of failed-relationship consolation prize.

 

Why must it be viewed as the dreaded "friend-zone"???

Post break-up, when I come to my senses, if I still find that I respect my ex enough to want to remain friends with him, at least for me, that's a huge deal.

 

As far as I can assess, she has done you no wrong and has only treated you with the utmost respect. Sure, you can react with your ego by "retaliating" your hurt feelings by intentionally hurting her, but then that would only make you the shmuck in the situation.

 

There is nothing wrong with being friends, best friends whatever, as long as BOTH parties can handle it. The issue is the original poster's emotions and whether or not HE can handle being "just friends" as opposed to girlfriend/boyfriend. If all romantic feelings are gone on BOTH sides, sure it is easy to be friends or best friends. However, if one person feels romantic longings, being "just friends" can be very difficult and painful. I don't think the original poster had any intention of deliberately hurting her although I think it would be best to leave out the part in bold below:

then I'll just tell her that she was selfish and walked away from the relationship when she was unhappy, and I'll have to do the same from the friendship until I feel it's ok. If it becomes ok.

[annie24]

are you sure its not too soon though? i mean are you gonna be okay with it all?

 

from my point of view, this sounds like she doesn't want to hurt you - 4 years is a long time to be together with someone, and it sounds like she doesn't want to lead you on. I would interpret this statement as her having moved on, and wants to make sure you have also before she agrees to meet up.

 

I agree with scout's advice. It doesn't matter what we think about that statement or what your friends think, you should get it "straight from the horse's mouth". Another way you can figure out where you stand, without being overbearing is saying something like, "Have you had second thoughts about our breakup?"

 

If she says something like, "yeah, I miss you at times, but I ultimately think the breakup was the right thing to do," then I would take that statement as closure and move forward. but if she does say she thinks it might have been a mistake, then you can discuss that issue further.

 

anyways, good luck - I hope it all works out for you.

[Big D]

Hey all... I'll address the past 3 posters comments so there might be a better understanding of my feelings..

 

friscodj I just want to say that despite my post count, I lurk quite often and I've seen you give good solid and positve advice to a lot of different people, and for that I commend you. As far as what you were saying..

I bet you that you will not hear that she is over you. You won't get this from her, not after reading her email. She is young and has never experienced something like this before. She is confused. She wants you in her life and seeing you will only stir up the feelings and make her more confused as to "what to do with you". You might get back together again and after doing so will almost surely break up again...

 

This is very accurate to how things have gone. Like I said, she has done this is the past about questioning her feelings and not knowing if she felt more than just friends. BUT the difference was, when it happened last time she asked for space and I pushed and we were back to talking and hanging out 2 weeks later. She thought the feelings came back, and 7 months later we split again. You're right. She's very young, I'm her first and only love experience, and I don't have a doubt in my mind the thought of losing me from her life scares her to death (She's told me, my folks, her friends, etc). I also know that she's worried that she'll end up like her mother because she married her high school sweetheart and they had a nasty divorce, and crappy for me she's got her mom and others in her ear telling her that without dating other people, she'll always wonder what she's missing... if the grass is greener... etc. This is why after 4 months rather than 2 weeks, I wanted to see what a good amount of distance has done for her and I. I'm not expecting us to get back together at lunch, but more or less see how we've done after being out of each others lives for a a good chuck of time after 4 years. Maybe she'll think she made a mistake, maybe she'll confirm she made the right choice. And most of all, I'll be able to be around her with a clear head to see how I truly feel.

 

TheRedQueen: I appreciate the kind words about the situation. I've had my share of horrible endings to relationships by ending up with the wrong people and through that, I've learned a lot about love and relationships. I'm also studying human communication in school, so i learn alot about interpersonal relationships, love, marriage, etc. I've really gotten an appreciation for how people are feeling with this, which is why I doubt have an ounce of anger in my body toward my ex. If she didn't love me, I'd never expect her to be with me. HOWEVER, I have at times (as well as her friends) questioned if she TRULY knows what she wants, rather than what she thinks she needs and wants. I know my very well as we were often more close than she is with her family. She's influenced by what other people think and say and she spent a considerable amount of time worrying about the future. A lot of times she was so focused on the future and what COULD be that she wasn't able to enjoy the present, she was too wrapped up in "what if we break up in 2 years" type of situations. Another problem was that she had really poor communication issues and always found it easier to make a break and run rather than talk to me about how she was feeling, instead allowing it to bottle up to she blew up. I dont know, I'm not trying to make excuses or say I KNOW what she's thinking because I honestly don't. I could have no idea. I can only make my best assessments of her and us based on what I've learned about her over 4 years time.

 

Crazyaboutdogs: You hit the head on the nail my friend on what I meant. In a perfect world, I would LOVE to be friends with her. It my 22 years, I've never felt closer to anyone in my life (including my friendship with a guy I've known for the past 18 years). We truly were the definition of best friends and meant the world to each other. But, love can find a way to ruin good things. I am still in love with the girl and it's just not possible being her friend right now, especially given the fact that I've been her only boyfriend and I'd feel weird seeing "my girl" with another guy. It just seems wrong . As far as deliberately hurting her, I could never ever do that to her. In fact, as pathetic as it is last semester when we signed up for classes, I made her sign up for an online Beatles class that I promised I'd take for her so she could get an A and boost her GPA. Well sure enough we split, but she came to me about 6 weeks ago asking if I'd still be willing to help her out. And even though I owed her nothing, I couldn't break that promise to her and would feel worse knowing I'd be able to her help with something she truly needs to maintain her scholarship. So I agreed to help her out. It's just how I am. So yes, don't worry I'd never use that phrase against her. I more or so meant, she didn't' feel she could be in a relationship with me for her own good, and I'd have to tell her that being friends wasn't an option for me right now for my own good.

 

 

 

 

Although I must admit one thing I'm really looking forward to if we do meet up. I'll be the first one to admit my faults from the relationship. I let myself get out of shape, I was sometimes a pain in the * * * about doing things she wanted to do (even stupid issues like controlling the remote), and I let it get routine, which leads to bordem, which could have sealed my fate since it was no longer a challenge and exciting. With that, in the 4 months since we've split up, I've gotten into the best shape of my life, lost 20 pounds and toned up, gotten a nice tan, and have truly been able to accept my faults within the relationship and learned to do new things and become a more well rounded person. So it will be exciting to show her what she's missing out on when I've become a sexy young stud and I'm out doing things she's always wished we had done Lol

[annie24]

I made her sign up for an online Beatles class that I promised I'd take for her so she could get an A and boost her GPA. Well sure enough we split, but she came to me about 6 weeks ago asking if I'd still be willing to help her out. And even though I owed her nothing, I couldn't break that promise to her and would feel worse knowing I'd be able to her help with something she truly needs to maintain her scholarship. So I agreed to help her out.

 

On a side note - do you really think academic dishonesty is helping her? If she has a poor GPA, maybe she should learn better study skills and time management, which will serve her far better in life than manipulating people into taking her responsibilites and taking exams for her.

[Big D]

from my point of view, this sounds like she doesn't want to hurt you - 4 years is a long time to be together with someone, and it sounds like she doesn't want to lead you on. I would interpret this statement as her having moved on, and wants to make sure you have also before she agrees to meet up.

 

I agree with scout's advice. It doesn't matter what we think about that statement or what your friends think, you should get it "straight from the horse's mouth".

 

I would take that statement as closure and move forward.

 

This is basically the mindset I have going in. It's a pain in the [removed by mod] that I've found myself still in love with her after she's quite possibly moved on after her being the one with the stronger feelings for so long. So the way I see it, seeing her will be the closure I'll need most likely. It's like being afraid of heights, facing the fear, and going skydiving. I'm scared out of my mind to see her, but I know I'll be where I've been the past 4 months for another 4 months if I don't just suck up my pride, face my fears, and meet with her. Who knows what could happen. I have no expectations, only the knowledge that the reality is it could end in slight heartbreak, which will lead to peace eventually. I'd rather face it than always sit and wonder "what if" and have a regret of at least not trying.

[Big D]

On a side note - do you really think academic dishonesty is helping her? If she has a poor GPA, maybe she should learn better study skills and time management, which will serve her far better in life than manipulating people into taking her responsibilites and taking exams for her.

 

 

Hahah... Trust me, that issue has been on my mind for awhile. But, I'll be fair and honest about the situation. Even though I know very little about what she's been up to, I do know about her issues with school and social life. She's on an academic scholarship because she's a very good student. She doesn't party, doesn't drink, etc (same with me, one of the many things we had in common). If you read the email she sent me on the first page, she even talks about how she's had no life because of her classes and job. She's got a pretty brutal schedule because she's trying to get into the Nursing program which is quite difficult to get into at our school, so she's working harder in her 3rd semester on campus than I ever worked and I'm graduating in May. I know she's trying hard and that the GPA boost will help her to get into the nursing school, which boyfriend or not, I ultimately want her to be able to do because I care about her deeply and it's something she really wants.

 

Plus, The Beatles is my thing. I got 102% in the class when I took it. I helped my roomate with it last year, and I volunteered to help her. While many people help friends with Math or Science, The Beatles is the only thing I'm actually helpful with, haha.

[annie24]

well, like my old roommate used to say, "you know what it is you need to do." If you are in a situation and you have a gut feeling that doing x,y,and z will give you closure, then go for it.

 

if you think meeting with her and finding out one last time, just to try, if that helps you, I say go for it. I wouldn't recommend going back 17 times trying to get her back though. no use in beating a dead horse.

[annie24]

ok, that scares me that a nurse (or potential nurse!) is ok with cheating and bending the rules to get into school. who knows what else she can do? cheat on an exam in nursing school because she fell asleep during a lecture or didn't show up for class? And then mess up while treating a patient because she never actually learned about that drug interaction or how to treat that symptom?

 

People want doctors and nurses who are competent, and if they can't get in on their own merits, I'm sorry, they shouldn't be there at all.

[Big D]

ok, that scares me that a nurse (or potential nurse!) is ok with cheating and bending the rules to get into school. who knows what else she can do? cheat on an exam in nursing school because she fell asleep during a lecture or didn't show up for class? And then mess up while treating a patient because she never actually learned about that drug interaction or how to treat that symptom?

 

People want doctors and nurses who are competent, and if they can't get in on their own merits, I'm sorry, they shouldn't be there at all.

 

 

well, I definitely see your point on this issue. But to be fair on it and to her, per say, she's not "cheating" or bending the rules on anything of any importance to becoming a nurse, nor will help on a Beatles class have any say on whether she'd make a good nurse. She goes to school and works really hard for the classes that matter to her major and her career goal. She's not asking for help with biology, anatomy, or anything like that. With every major, you're required to take a bunch of BS general elective classes to fill out the curriculum. I'm a human communication major and I've taken classes about the internet, Hip Hop, Musical Theater, etc. And like I've said I'm REALLY good with my knowledge of The Beatles. I don't care if it's my roomate, girlfriend, brother, or kid I sit next to. If someone needs help with something that I'm good at (that has no importance toward their specific major) and it will really help them to boost their GPA, I don't have a problem with it. Now, if she were to say "will you go to my anatomy 305 class and take notes" that would be insane. But asking for help on a test about Abbey Road and The White Album.... it's not that big of a deal to me. =)

[annie24]

um, you taking a class for her is still cheating. it is not work she is doing, it is work you are doing. you are registered under her name, right?

 

Are you doing this to try to get her back?

 

even if you do consider the class a BS class, the fact is that EVERYONE has to take it (or another "BS" class), and you taking this for her is giving her an unfair advantage over other students who apply to nursing school. Other students have to take the elective courses and the math and science courses and be able to do well in all of them and juggle their time. Nurses have to deal with a lot of pressure and time constraints. School will be tough as will her work environment, she needs to learn how to deal with these things now instead of pawning off responsibilities onto ex-boyfriends and whoever else she can use.

 

yeah, you can help her - tutor her, help her with studying, but taking a class for someone isn't helping them in the grand scheme of things, and it certainly won't bring her back to you.