Married man....please help

[Bethany]

Let the feeling come, it WILL pass.

 

Just because you have a feeling inside i.e. a compulsion, a NEED even, it doesn't mean you have to act upon it. It will pass, I promise.

 

If you act upon it, you wil be kicking yourself later, and be filled with even more anxiety and the need to explain to him why you did it more and more, which makes you feel even worse, repating the same vicious circle you are trying to free yourself from. Let the feeling pass.

 

You're doing really, really well. You seem to be working things out for yourself which really is half the battle. Don't let your anxiety get the better of you.. You're free, don't go back and entrap yourself anymore.

[female1981]

hi bethany thanks for replying... i was wondering where everybody was... i was feeling so alone...

 

i did not email him. instead i wrote out what the email would have contained...it was really long! nearly 2 pages on Word... I kept reading it over and over, editing it, and understanding it. so although it was written to him, it doesn't mean i have to send it... it serves as being a release... and to definitely stop myself from sending it, i pictured what would happen if i did send it. i imagined the renewed pain, those feelings of not getting a reply becoming so raw again.

 

i dont know if i am doing well. i mean, i sent that email full of feelings on tues... then on weds i had no choice but to email him for work issues... then on thurs, seeing him was unavoidable due to the transportation of equipment (and this was after i had sent him that emotional email, remember i thought i would not see him again, so this was very awkward and i do wonder if he thought i had sent it knowing that i would see him and so thereforeeee maybe he though that i knew we would have to face each other a couple of days later) this probably makes me look desparate even though i never knew we would have to face each other... so really according to him, NC has only been happening since thurs which in reality is only the day before yesterday... when in actual fact, i have been trying my utmost not to email him since tues night.

 

but not emailing him on the weekend is huge for me as it is usually on the weekend that i lose control. i haven't today though. every time i get close i think - pride, dignity.... i want both these things back as i do feel i have lost them. i also do not want to do even more damage to my reputation. by this i don't mean that i think he has told anybody as it appears he hasn't. but just my reputation in his head. i feel sick when i think that once he used to really respect me and think highly of me and that now he must think i am pathetic. and i simply cannot let that continue or get even worse. i think, in life, if you lose most things, yeah it hurts, its bad, but if you completely lose your self respect and dignity, its very hard to climb back up... i am already feeling the struggle

[annie24]

hey - you will get through this. be proud that you haven't e-mailed him. everyday, you are getting closer to meeting a better match for you and holding onto your self-respect.

 

write out a list of things you need to do, and instead of writing to this guy, do one of those things instead. clean your place, do some errands, etc....

[gumdrops_and_lollipops]

Female,

 

As Bethany, Sad and a few other know..you and I are in the same boat. For me tho mine has gone on for over 2 years with alot of broekn promises...I could recap all the events but what is the purpose. Just compounding the problem. For me today is my Birthday and I said that if I didnt hear from him today that I was going to move past him forever. Well...low and behold I got a messenger text message on my phone...It said "just got all your messages when I looked at my phone this morning..happy birthday". I responded back to 2 minutes later and guess what..Got nothing. Please take it from a person who has been through all this... Contact only makes it much worse...I feel like an * * * now thinking about how many times I tried to talk to him and he refused to answer...Dont bring yourself down to that level...Gotta go to dinner...Talk more later!

[female1981]

gumdrops_and_lollipops, i am so so sorry to hear this.

 

Happy birthday. This should be such a happy day for you, dedicated to you. But I can imagine how you must be feeling. I feel so bad just thinking about it. How can he do this to you? Keeping you hanging on... so manipulative. God, you deserve so much more. you have more value than this.

 

Perhaps in some ways I am lucky. My married guy will not even attempt any form of contact with me. I am still not sure whether this is because he is not interested as i did overdid it with the emails or because he is being strong. on one occasion i asked him why he wouldn't talk to me (this is in the corridor at work around three weeks ago)... he said it was easier if we didn't talk. either way, it hurts.

 

i do have a problem of recapping all events. keep going over and over everything in my head... to the point that its driving me crazy. it seems that no matter what i do, i can't stop thinking about him. despite this, i have not emailed him today. it has been so difficult but i have done it. and you know what? i feel i have regained power. just a little. sounds silly doesn't it? but its true. i know things haven't changed. i know i haven't changed the past. i know i haven't taken back or changed my overly interested emails or attempts to talk to him, the phone calls to his office... but i feel better about myself already. gotta NOT email him tomorrow now. i hope that i will find the strength to go through this all over again... but i got through today.

 

gumdrops_and_lollipops.... be strong. please dont text him again. think of me... hopelessly in love too with my guy. they can't offer us anything though. they have their own lives. they are not even probably thinking of us. i know it hurts. it hurts like hell. but we need to accept this fact. the sooner we accept, the sooner we move on and life can be normal again and maybe, just maybe the pain and anguish will fade. if i could feel just a tiny bit less pain right now, i would be thankful

[female1981]

thought i should post here as i am thinking about him a lot and need to stop myself going crazy. i just can't focus on anything else right now.... god, this should be getting easier shouldn't it? i feel like i am not making any progress. it still hurts like hell to think that he will probably never get in touch with me again. i mean i know it is for the best, but dammit, i like him so much. so glad i have this forum to vent out my frustrations....

 

i really need to make sure that i do not mail him today. i will feel even worse if i do mail him, although i don't know if i can feel any worse. i am so so stupid though. this lack of contact just makes me want him more. do you guys remember that time when he did mail me after 5 days of me not emailing? that whole 5 days i suffered in silence, wanting him so bad... and when i got that email from him.... i was so overwhelmed... my entire body was affected. for a whole 3 mins i sat in one position... my head was in my hands and my eyes closed, just taking in that he had got in touch... what i had wanted so badly had happened... he had communicated with me.

 

i know i shouldn't want anything to do with him, so why do i still (just being honest... please do not hate/judge me) want him to get in touch?? but i will not, i repeat will not give in to this weakness and email him. i can't, i just can't. right now i am tempted to email him and aplogise for my emotional email. explain to him that it was unfair of me to send it and make him feel uncomfortable. i also feel like telling him that i really didnt know i would see him again so soon. i want to say that i promise i will try my v.best to get over this as the distance he has put between us makes it clear that this is what i have to do.....

 

this is just killing me....

 

how long will this take to be over for me.........

[annie24]

nope, don't e-mail him. don't feel bad about that emotional e-mail, I think drawing attention to it will just be worse. better to pretend it didn't happen. after all, you never got a response from him, so I'd just leave it alone.

 

come here and vent anytime, I am glad you are not giving in.

 

maybe it would help if you met some other men? why don't you put a profile up on link removed to get your mind off this guy for a while?

[Bethany]

how long will this take to be over for me.........

 

As soon as you accept that this is YOUR anxiety, your problem. Deal with your feelings not act upon them. This is a emotional and mental battle and one with YOURSELF, not him, It's a batle that you can and will overcome. LET GO.

 

He has told you it's over. You have to ACCEPT this.

 

This is your own thoughts and fears and like I said before, you need to OWN this feeling.This is nothing to do with him anymore. Don't add to your problems by mailing him. You will come accross as a bunny boiler. Don't do it.

 

Do whatever it takes... Keep busy, go out of the house and be with people, take a long hot bath and relax. Let this feeling come and go. It WILL pass without you contacting him.

[female1981]

This is nothing to do with him anymore.

 

how pathetic am i? you might just be right. this is MY problem. you know what... i am so pathetic.... these last few days of me not emailing him, he has probably felt relief each time he has checked his mail and seen that there is nothing there... deep in my heart i have been hoping that he sees a lack of emails and feels sad. i am useless. i want to get away from this.

 

annie. i do not want to meet anyone. i do not trust anymore. everyone deceives.

[annie24]

i agree with bethany in that you are the only one who will dictate how long it takes to get over him.

 

look at it this way - say that you have a breakup. You can either choose to suffer for 1 month and move on, or you can choose to suffer for 1 year before you move on. the breakup is the same, but you are the one who decides how long until you move past it.

 

I wouldn't lose faith in humanity because this one guy you found out was married. We are here, and we are geniune, we want you to heal. there are a ton of great men out there, who are single and looking for relationships, but you aren't going to find them if you have a huge wall around yourself.

[female1981]

i know that you are right annie. i do want to get over this quickly but no matter what i do, i cant stop thinking about him and its making me miserable.

 

as for meeting someone new.... i am sure that with time i will... its inevitable. i didnt think that i could feel for anybody so strongly so soon after my ex boyfriend... and here i am. but i just feel that humans have an ugly side which i never really saw before. i think this has made me do a lot of growing up and to be honest i do not really like what i have learnt.

[Bethany]

i am so pathetic.... i want to get away from this. .

 

You're not pathetic at all!. You've just gotten yourself into a vicious circle of trying to remove the anxiety by doing something about it (mailing him) to reduce the anxiety.

How do you get rid of anxiety? You relax, you let the feeling sweep over you whilst getting on with other things. Start facing the feeling inside you, understanding that it's just a feeling and that is will pass..

 

This feeling inside you is not going to disappear over night, it will take time, maybe even weeks but everytime you DO NOTHING, your emotions will calm... and this really is the way out.

 

Saying that, I'm inclined to agree with Annie that there are lots of men out there for you, why not consider joining a dating site and take a look at the guys in your area? Nothing takes the feeling of rejection away than interest from other men who DO want you..

[annie24]

well.... I think it's more of a cautionary tale..... before you fall for someone, get to know them a bit better. ie, make sure that they are not married, get to know them first before you fall in love with them. ok, easier said than done....

[annie24]

yeah, I think if nothing else, just having a ton of men e-mailing you to tell you how pretty you are or that they liked your profile will make you feel better. it will help you forget a bit about this guy.

[female1981]

guys.... i don't know..... ive never been one that likes to be associated with a ton of guys... plus i don't have much experience. not sure i want more experience anyway. i dont want to force anything. and i definitely dont want loads of guys telling me im pretty. find all that so superficial. i just want honesty from people. i think i definitely will try and stay busy though and change my attitude a little. maybe really throw myself into work and also meet and have fun with close friends. cannot wait to heal. cannot wait to be me.

[Bethany]

Then do what you feel is right for you. I've tried the other guy thing myself and even though I didn't want to meet anyone, it does work incredibly well in giving yourself a boost when you are feeling alone and rejected.

 

I think keeping busy and being in good company are also good ways forward and can work wonders if your not ready to start looking again..

 

 

I know it must seem dark sometimes with no end in sight but there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. Every day is a new day and one day closer to being you again and we are here to support you on your journey for as long as you need us.

[female1981]

thanks bethany. that means a lot. i was starting to wonder if you guys are getting fed up of me.. it has helped a lot getting all this advice and words of comfort, although i am sure i dont really deserve it. i will definitely continue to use this forum to release emotions, as by releasing them here, i am not releasing them to him and hence appearing like a complete psycho

[Juliana]

Dear Female:

 

I was you. Compulsively writing and calling a guy who had, at one time, told me he loved me. He even talked about marrying me. So I have some perspective.

 

It's 15 years later. I feel absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing for this guy. He could be standing outside on the front step, and I don't know if I'd get up and look out the window at him. I just do not care about him at all.

 

But for years after we split up, he intruded on my every thought.

 

Why? Because I was needy. Because I wanted to be loved. Because I'd had a terrible shock in my life, and I needed support, and a friend, and he was none of those things, but was very good, at one time, at pretending that he was or could be.

 

And that's what this guy has done: He has pretended that he loves you. He has pretended there could be a future.

 

How do I know he was pretending? Well, how did he treat you? Did he split up with his poor wife, who has probably lived through more than one of these attachments on the side, to ensure that you wouldn't suffer, or at least that he could be honest about his feelings? No. Did he attempt to comfort you? No. Did he suffer with you? No. He got embarrassed and slunk off.

 

Well, he should be embarrassed. He played with your emotions, and left you alone to deal with the mess. He doesn't write you because he's ashamed of himself. But everytime you write him, he thinks, of course she writes me. I'm too wonderful to forget.

 

You may have to do what I did; eventually, I realized I was just in a rut in my thinking, and I forced myself to not think of him. Everytime I thought of him, I'd make myself think of something else instead. In a surprisingly short amount of time, my head cleared, and I found I had no feelings for him at all.

 

My advice is sure, go out and see your friends, but take care that you realize what made you so vulnerable in the first place, and fix it.

[female1981]

Juliana hi,

 

thanks a lot for sharing your experience. it really reached out to me. it really makes sense when you say that he played with my emotions and then left me to deal with the mess. sometimes i feel that this is so true and then i somehow end up putting myself down by thinking that his loyalty to his wife is greater than his feelings for me. but why should i put myself down??? its true... he made a mistake but then he did just leave me to deal with my feelings on my own, not caring how hard it would be for me.

 

i know you are right also about the fact that everytime i write to him, his ego inflates just that little bit more... he already told me that every guy at work he knows is attracted to me, so he clearly must feel great knowing that i can't get off him and forget everything. and i think the bigger his ego gets, the less he wants to or needs to write back. he is definitely ashamed too though as when we were in contact, he would constantly be apologising for the situation. saying that it was all his fault.

 

maybe you are correct about there being a problem with me. i am not neccessarily a needy person. but i am a very soft person. i guess i could be described as being too 'nice' and perhaps in some ways this makes me in actual fact a bit weak. also, i do tend to get very attached to people in my life. and i do over analyse everything. maybe what i need to work on is not taking everything so seriously. a friend once told me that what i need to do is learn to have fun and not take everything to heart... to be less of an emotional person. i think she is right, i would be less hurt by situations.

 

as for my guy pretending... it hurts to think he pretended. i guess i still want to believe he was and still is in love, even though nothing can come of it. just makes it nicer in my head i suppose.... rather than me being some desparate loser chasing a guy that was never as interested as he claimed to be. but im not so sure he was pretending. i mean, since the day he started he was never able to look directly at me when we spoke, yet i always caught him staring at me when we were not in the middle of a conversation, he was always very interested to know if i would be attending company do's, always helped me out with work.... this all over the span of 2 years, yet he was never direct or obvious so i never actually thought he liked me in that way. and during this whole time, he NEVER flirted with any female or expressed interest in females at work - he didnt even flirt with me! i dont think he knows how to! in fact he doesn't talk about women in that way much in general. he was always so incredibly focused on work. the only reason we got to this stage in the first place is because i started to have a crush on him and dropped one or two tiny comments here and there. even i was not very direct. we are both shy when it comes to this kind of thing and so it took months before we just sat down, face to face and said in plain words that we were crazy about each other. he apologised again and again, trying to explain that he couldnt hide his feelings for me, the shock that i even liked him in the first place.... he had liked me from the start. and could not believe that i might ever feel the same. he was sorry he said and he said he knew he was in the wrong.

 

to be honest the whole thing did not even continue for very long nor did it progress very far. but because i have known him for a cuple of years in total and like the person that he is, i am finding this very hard. had he have been single, i would have been incredibly proud to have him. i would have wanted absolutely everyone at work to know... i would have flaunted him!!! and i would have enjoyed getting closer to him,... i still obssess what certain things may have felt like. i know, i know, its unhealthy. but i just can't help it. i am trying not think about him. really i am. still have not emailed him today! thats something right? i need to and will get over this eventually. thanks everybody

[Juliana]

You're not a desperate loser. You're a serious, thoughtful woman who became interested in a loser because he paid some romantic attention to you. He doesn't know he's a loser, he doesn't walk up and introduce himself and go, "hey, hi, I'm a big loser, want to fall in love? I'll break your heart." He thinks he's a wonderful, sensitive guy. But he isn't.

 

Okay. I am the product of an affair, which means I got to see it from the inside out, without being in love with the guy. Plus I've had the relationships I've had. Let me try to explain:

 

He does not love you. He. Does. Not. Love. You.

 

I knew my father. My father believed he was in love with my mother. My father, I don't think, was actually capable of love. Of course, he didn't know this. Dogs don't miss not being able to see in colour, either; they just don't know it's possible. Do you want to know what my father's love did to my mother's life? I'll ask her; oh, wait, I can't. She's dead.

 

Don't think that I hate guys like this; I just don't have time for them. They're off in some whole other world. They generally have nice, respectable wives, who put up with their nonsense and don't expect too much in the way of emotional depth from them. These guys hurt people, hurt them badly, and genuinely think it's the fault of the world, or circumstances, or even the woman they've led on. What feels good for them is good, in their minds. My father has a hard time seeing me, because my life was quite difficult, and everytime he sees me, he has to deal with that, and he doesn't like that. So he doesn't see me that much. That's my dad. There for the good time....there for the good times. That's all these guys.

 

Sweetie, let me make this absolutely, crystal-clear, for your future reference: Men that love you do not do things to hurt you. They do not embarrass you in front of your colleagues, putting your job in jeprody, and then abandon you to go cuddle up with wifey, leaving you half-mad with loneliness and frustration. You can praise him all you want; I think he's a monster.

 

What if you found out that he stopped talking to you because his wife discovered the emails and told him to? What if he stopped talking to you because someone in the company pulled him aside and told him they would report him for sexual harassment? Just because he hasn't told you these things doesn't mean they aren't the reason; in my experience, which, unfortunately, is vast, this is far, far more likely to be the reason.

 

You can say what you want about not wanting to date; you're obviously lonely, it sticks out a country mile. What you are, I think, is shy. All the guys in the company are attracted to you? Great. We can work with that. Date one of them. I mean it; you want to get to the married guy? Want to hurt him? Date one of the guys from work. Socially, casually, whatever; go out and have a drink and a good time. Do not talk about him, ever. Ever. He will see you dating someone he knows, and he will want to chew off his own leg, knowing the other guy is getting physical with you like he never could. He'll attempt to reassert his importance in your life.

 

Ignore him.

[female1981]

All the guys in the company are attracted to you? Great. We can work with that. Date one of them. I mean it; you want to get to the married guy? Want to hurt him? Date one of the guys from work. Socially, casually, whatever; go out and have a drink and a good time. Do not talk about him, ever. Ever. He will see you dating someone he knows, and he will want to chew off his own leg, knowing the other guy is getting physical with you like he never could. He'll attempt to reassert his importance in your life.

 

Ignore him.

 

..... .......

 

i like your style...... for the first time in ages i have a wide, real smile that i can actually feel accross my face!!!!!!!!! thats so hilarious!!!!!

 

date one of the guys at work????? o.....my.....god..... i dunno. i probably wont..... but how funny and satisfying would that be!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha

 

yes i think he would wanna chew off his own leg in frustration!!!!!! hehehehehe. why am i getting this sick pleasure from this????

 

i probably would never do it, but its sure is making me smile.... and thats good, so thanks!!!!

[Juliana]

"i probably would never do it, but its sure is making me smile.... and thats good, so thanks!!!!"

 

Why wouldn't you do it? What, are you just hanging out til the convent calls?

 

Okay, I faked you out a little. Glad I made you laugh. But the point isn't to make him jealous, or to get revenge. The point is to deal with the problem that you are trying to solve by emailing him so much: You are lonely. You want someone to love and value you. That's normal, natural, and good.

 

What you need to eventually see is that it doesn't matter what his motives are. It doesn't matter if he loved you, or didn't (he didn't). There's nothing there for you. He is simply beside the point. His whole purpose in your life, his entire reason for being anything to you, was to show you one thing: You are lonely. You need to be loved.

 

When you go out and begin to fulfill those hopes and dreams of being loved with other men, men who actually treat you well, you will stop caring why he doesn't talk to you, what he is doing -- none of it will matter in the slightest. You simply won't care.

 

But you will have the good sense to make sure that you are never involved with a man who would do that to you when you are married.

[female1981]

thanks juliana

 

i dont know if you are right though. ive been out of a relationship for 10 months now. i really enjoyed being single. loved it in fact. the freedom has been fantastic. i didnt actually want to meet anyone, i def wasn't looking. this thing with the married guy was just a progression of events. i think i liked him unconsciously for quite a while and so all it took were a few comments here and there for it to surface.

 

but yes, i would like to be loved one day. you are right,. but i know it is not by him and so i promise i am trying to move on.

 

another day that i didnt email him!!!! woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!

[gumdrops_and_lollipops]

Good Evening Ladies,

 

Well first I want everyone to know that I made it through the "Black Birthday"...40 that is...Last night I spent the evening with my Husband...2 Children and my God Child at the movies...Anyone see "Open Season"...Dinner was popcorn and soda because the wait time at Applebees was 35 plus minutes...I have to say that I had an Amazing Night...Gotta tell you that I got a text message from the "Guy" on my way there...Said he was sorry..What a moron he is...For the first time on over 26 months I didnt care what he had to say. When I last left I was on my way out...Female...I know that we all handle heartache differently..Altho, I have handled it exactly as you are now....Constant calls..emails...text messages...Getting nothing back..from a man who called me 10 times a day...Asking me if I didnt answer if he was "being replaced...and telling me that he "felt soooo neglected". I can finally admit that yes, this man had feelings for me...maybe even Loved me...but not like a man is going to love you that is "single" I thought that constant contact was going to make him not forget me and rethink it over...Feeling bad...Nope...He thought that I was some wacko im sure...pathetic and weak...when in fact I am the much stronger person of the two, who in fact can get over this much quicker and have a better life. But Im ramblin here....What my point is Female...is that what you are feeling is normal...I will tell you that I was intimate with this guy on many occasions over the course of 2 years...only because I trusted him...and believed him...So now when he thinks that I am able to move on ...telling him the other day that I am OVER HIM...he messages me...Who is the weak one here? Married men want the EGO BOOST...Like Juliana said...see someone else, and get joy out of him seeing that you are the stronger one...Bethany said once in my post that ...calling and emailing made you look weak and desperate...Thats what finally made me pull myself out of the picture and take a look...Im going to start fresh from here...Altho, there is so much that I want to say to this IDIOT...I have called him Coward and it seems to hit a nerve..Why because if it wasnt the truth ...it wouoldnt bother him...Oh well Ladies...Im going to have pizza and cake with my lil ones...Take Care all and thanks to Bethany...Sad...Doyathink..Annie..and all the other ladies who gave me great advice...Muahzzzzz

[Juliana]

I feel so bad for you guys, I really do. And I am sooo glad I'm not there anymore. Just stop talking to them. It will get better. It really will.

 

I don't know about you guys, but I really believe affairs happen when there's something wrong in your life you're not paying attention to. You're looking to someone else to give you something you don't have: Love, attention, excitement -- something. It's as if your spiritual immune system is down, and the "affair virus" infects you with this terrible longing & frank stupidity. Because everyone regrets the affair, no one wants an affair, and yet people have affairs, and I don't think it's because that's what we secretly want, and we're all in denial.

 

Why do you think you had your affair? That's the most important question I think we can ask ourselves to really begin moving on.