female1981 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 hi guys gumdrops_and_lollipops, i am so happy for you. you sound much much better! im glad .... as for me, well i am just trying to get on with things now. He is not so close to me anymore as he has moved off site, which in a way is good as i dont have that hope or expectation of bumping into him. but i do miss him not being here. soon i will get over that, i know it. hopefully as each day goes pass i will care less and less. thanks for everything you guys. Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 okay this is proving a bit harder than i thought... still missing him badly... also, one of my colleagues who is due to leave in a couple of weeks will be sitting right next to me... and my married guy works very closely with him. so he keeps ringing my colleague like every hour or so to discuss work stuff!!! im sitting right next to him... so its so hard!!! its funny though, as this colleague hates him completely and has no idea whats going on and so of course complains about him very freely to me! i feel so uncomfortable. i am tempted to talk about him with my colleague to find out what he was saying etc but at the same time i know im making it harder for myself.... aaarrrghhh..... this is NOT easy Link to comment
s_finch Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Hi Female, I know where you're coming from. It's so hard, it really is. I think it's worse than when we're teenagers and have a lost love. I went through something similar, can't say it's really over even as he'll answer the phone if I call. And the last times I've seen him he's made lots of eye contact. My EA (emotional affair) guy and I were never intimate, but it wasn't for the lack of desire on both parts. He gave me plenty of positive signs with his eyes (oh, I loved those eyes!) and with his actions and even told me once he loved me. We're both married and were in a work situation together for awhile. I guess I'm glad it never went physical as I probably would have gone over the edge completely since I nearly did when he too moved on to another work place. Hang in there. It does get better with time--- although for me the desire to see him is still strong, just not as crushing. I too went a little overboard for awhile with too many phone calls, etc... and felt like a fool. At one point he even quit answering his phone most of the times I called. Which made me feel like someone was dangling me over this cliff and I was about to fall. It was horrible. I did lose respect for myself and it took my best friend telling me repeatedly that I was obsessed and that I had to get a handle on myself. And just so I don't sound like a saint in the above when I said it never went physical---let me set the record straight. It was because of him, not me, that it didn't go there. One evening he had worked it out for us to be alone together, and I complied, and as we were talking I moved in for a kiss and he backed up really quickly and said, "I have a really good wife at home and I don't want to mess that up" * * *???? I felt like I had just been slapped, which I guess I had verbally, so I turned angrily to walk away, he reached out to hug me, I pulled away, he said "But I love YOU" and I angrily responded with "THAT'S JUST GREAT!" as I stormed out the door. Now in the sequence I just described it sounds like my "THAT'S JUST GREAT!" was in response to his declaration of love, but it wasn't, his declaration hadn't even registered with me yet. I said what I did in response to the "I have a really great wife at home"---- As I was leaving he kinda came after me and said "You're just gonna leave?" and I'm like "Yeah" . I went home and cried and cried and cried and stayed away from him as much as possible for a few weeks. I thought for the longest time that his backing up when I tried to kiss him and the words he said meant that he was rejecting me,,,,,,and then it hit me months afterwards (when he was still flirting with me) that he probably was just trying to let me know before anything happened that he didn't want our intimacy to mess up his marriage. Heck, if he'd said it that way I wouldn't have gotten mad because no way was I gonna leave my marriage either. So to save you lots of other boring details, I'll just close with saying that I'm no saint, I loved him and still do and I think he really cared about me. He's sent me signs and signals since that embarrassing day, but I'm too scared to give him that chance to reject me again. So I just think of him multiple times a day and stay away from him,,,,but it's hard. And don't feel badly about sending him the e-mails, but do find a way to make yourself stop. You'll feel better about yourself when you reach the point where you don't let your feelings for him control your mind and heart. Trust me, been there, suffered, got the broken heart. Oh, and my guy was right, he does have a great wife at home and even though that was the LAST thing I wanted to hear, I try to remember that when I start thinking of him. Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 hi s_finch thanks. .yes it def is much worse than being a teenager! Its a lot more serious and it cuts a lot deeper as the feelings are more mature... ....speaking of eye contact.... i think eyes are so so powerful and the eye contact between us was so intense. things used to happen to me just by looking into his eyes... and then when i would reflect and just remember the eye contact, things would happen all over again! the frustrating thing for me is that i am single. i have no one to feel guilty about (apart from his wife, but thats guilt in a different sense). thats why it makes it so easy for me to want him. I have kind of stopped beating myself up about the whole email thing. Its done now and anyway, the last time i emailed him re: this situation was last tues.... almost a week, which i think is pretty damn good! just gotta stick with it... its not easy at all, as one minute i think im fine (like now) and the next i'll be depressed again. but all of you guys are right. i FEEL the feeling, OWN it, and most importantly, let it PASS... Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 thought i would post here as i am still struggling to take my mind off this guy. i feel quite pathetic for feeling this way, but i can't help how i feel. i have managed another WHOLE day without contacting him, which does feel good, but at the same time, the feelings i have for him or the pain of not having him, missing him etc has not lessened. i still can't believe i would want someone in this way so soon after my ex boyfriend (10 months - but this is soon for me). i am desparately in love. its just so sad that its an impossible situation though. and i feel like a loser for thinking that my married guy probably doesn't even think of me, or suffer the same pain... Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 miss him so much........want him so bad..... Link to comment
s_finch Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 thought i would post here as i am still struggling to take my mind off this guy. i feel quite pathetic for feeling this way, but i can't help how i feel. i have managed another WHOLE day without contacting him, which does feel good, but at the same time, the feelings i have for him or the pain of not having him, missing him etc has not lessened. i still can't believe i would want someone in this way so soon after my ex boyfriend (10 months - but this is soon for me). i am desparately in love. its just so sad that its an impossible situation though. and i feel like a loser for thinking that my married guy probably doesn't even think of me, or suffer the same pain... What you're going through now is normal and you're not a loser. You're heart is wounded and it will take time to heal. You've done great in not e-mailing him for a week. That is really very good!! Use that to help you build strength and momentum!! Keep us posted! Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Hey There, I wouldn't expect your healing to go in a linear fashion. You will have up and down days, you will feel strong one day and weak another... and it will waver until you find that gradually you have more up days then down days... and you will be healing. It's tough to get through it, but you are being strong and should be proud that you are showing restraint and giving yourself a bit of the respect that you deserve. Keep up the good work! Link to comment
Sad_now Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Hang in there. You're doing very well. Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 hi everyone. thanks for the support. i still feel like crap Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 hi everybody just finished another day at work.... and yes... another day without emailing him. i kept myself busy by gossiping and joking around with colleagues and so the day ended up being quite unproductive. not so happy about that.... but VERY glad that i didn;t get in touch with him again!! today it is 7 whole days since my overly emotional email.... wow.... so glad i have made it this far. need to stick with it now... why do i still have hope though? need to work on that... Link to comment
Dilly Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 hi everybody just finished another day at work.... and yes... another day without emailing him. i kept myself busy by gossiping and joking around with colleagues and so the day ended up being quite unproductive. not so happy about that.... but VERY glad that i didn;t get in touch with him again!! today it is 7 whole days since my overly emotional email.... wow.... so glad i have made it this far. need to stick with it now... why do i still have hope though? need to work on that... You are so GOOD not to have contacted him. I am so PROUD of you!!! I know I told you I would not post any more but I am just really really proud of you! No license to start this all over again, but one to pat yourself on the back. Let me tell you, your self respect is growing back even though your emotions are compelling you to self-destruct. You are earning your way back to you!!! GREAT JOB, GIRLFRIEND!!! Keep it up. I predict you will hopefully develop a dislike for this goof because when your self-respect gets up to a certain level, you actually begin to realize how these guys were so not worth your time or the tremendous energy. But I like to look at it like a a most valuable life lesson that really takes a while to teach!!! With you all the way. Everyone who knows you are refraining (including him) knows that you are getting stronger, better, smarter, and that soon, you'll be a better woman than you even were before!!! Link to comment
Dilly Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 SEVEN DAYS - yay, you are killing your old record and the noose he has around your heart is rotting. AND now HE KNOWS IT!! Let him wonder and NEVER give in to him. Look at him as the opposition to your best interests in life because he is!!! Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 SEVEN DAYS - yay, you are killing your old record and the noose he has around your heart is rotting. AND now HE KNOWS IT!! Let him wonder and NEVER give in to him. Look at him as the opposition to your best interests in life because he is!!! hi dilly! its so nice to hear from you again! thanks for posting and thank you for kind and positive words! i logged in to the forum because i felt that pang of desparation yet again. it still feels incredibly painful to think that i cannot and will not ever have him. as for thinking him to be a 'goof'... thats very funny and i do wish i could feel that way...unfortunately i am still trapped in a place where i keep thinking about him and the moments we spent together....stupid i know. i really hope this is over in my head soon. i am sure it was over for him some time ago.... i am just the idiot that is still hanging on mentally.... and i don't think he is wondering at all... i think he must be relieved, and that actually hurts. in my head, i think the whole situation is more romantic than it was in reality. for me, it was a confession after 2 years of restraint. it was special conversations, deep, intense eye contact, love. i think for him it was more a case of getting caught up in the moment, the excitement of it all and then the reality of the situation forced him to stop as soon as he realised what he was doing. how awful. i need to stop being such a romantic, so gullible and naive. i need to wake up and accept that i was an idiot in all of this... that it was never as meaningful as i thought it was or wanted it to be. right now, i feel so badly like emailing him. yes i know i have been so strong for 1 week. that is a big big thing for me. and do not worry anybody. i don't actually intend to email him as with more insight and experience, i know that it will only make things worse. but i do need to express the wish to email him as perhaps it will help to get it out of my system. i just wish i didnt miss him and want him so much. i don't think i have ever wanted anybody as much as this, and as i have never felt this way before, the fact that i can't have him just makes it very hard to deal with. Link to comment
Dilly Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 When I was obsessing over a guy years and years ago, I made it three solid days and he actually emailed me "CONGRATULATIONS - YOU DIDN'T EMAIL ME TODAY!!!" You know what, he WANTED the attention, wanted me to be trapped in my own helplessly romantic state and when I realized all this months later, I began being repulsed by him, but I never hated him and occasionally sometiems wonder if he ever thought of me. Sure, there might have been some special moments but the danger killed it and I assure you if you weren't really into him with your heart and were only interested in the physical, he'd be cooler with you, only because like someone eloquently said a woman is a force to be reckoned with when she's hopelessly in love and can easily come accross as a "bunny boiler" (HAHA!) AND I THINK YOU SHOULD JUDGE HIM ON THAT - he was willing to get involved with you and he was married!!! The only thing that scared him away is the fact taht you were so crazy about him that you might actually encourage him to leave his wife (something he didn't bargain for I assure you) or become so obsessed that you might involve his wife. What a loser! He just wanted a fling, man!!! I think he liked the fact that you were emailing constantly and may be experiencing a momentary feeling of relief now that youre not writing but he will wonder and you need not bother yourself with what he is wondering. Just let him wonder. There is so much power in that and let your goal be to rise above this moment and conquer your feelings (easier said than done). I am 100% Obsessive compulsive when I really want something badly with all my heart, but it's not good and if you can learn at a young age how to deal with your emotions, you will be far ahead of many. Funny story - Was listening to Bjork the other day and thought of you. She's just so emotional and I thought, wow, this is Female in her mindset right nowk just totally conquered by emotion. It can be nice to be in that mode BECAUSE YOU FEEL SO ALIVE!!! It's such a chemical reaction, but it's also addictive. Falling in love can be a major lifelong addiction for people of both sexes. You will feel this way again (possibly four or five more times in your life), but when the situation is right and renders itself appropriately, it will be rewarding in every way (emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and least importantly, physically). I say least importantly because the physical can really bind our attention more than it is deserving. Imagine him a short little gremlin. 1 Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 F1981 - Just wanted to say congratulations and I'm proud of you! I promise, the pain will go away. You will feel better! And you will be happier than you ever were with him.... Hugs to you!! Post away - as much as you need to. When you want to email him, post here. I must say I just read through and your post asking for help, that you wanted to email him was anyone here. I was so caught up I almost started responding - We're here, we're here! And then realized that was from a couple days ago. We are here for you. Hugs! Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 thank you to everyone! i can and will make it through. you guys have really really helped. before discovering this forum, i would fell the temptation to email, and then just would! but now, when i want to email, i log on to here, read everybody's responses and it makes me feel stronger. and even if there is no response, i can come on here and just express my feelings and that makes a big big difference, as it stops me from emailing him or trying to initiate contact. and that, in turn, spares me some dignity.... thank you... bigs hugs to everybody! Link to comment
Dilly Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Just know that every moment you refrain from emailing him, you are becoming a better person. Your correspondence with him will be indirectly proportional to your personal growth and without contact, your recovery is going to be quite speedy. You already sound so much better and you have our respect!!! And quite frankly you probably have him wondering, but look at him like the opposition to your personal success. You may always have feelings for him, sure, but he is BADNEWS! And hopefully that begins to sink in ... ahhhh, the noose continues to rot. Soon your heart will be beating for you!!! Rather than being drained and sucked of it's lifeforce by this wretch! Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 good morning everyone i've been thinking... please do not be upset! in approx 2 weeks or so, i am considering emailing him just to say a casual hello and ask how things are going at the new site. probably just a short email... i.e one paragraph. what do you all think. i know that most of you will say a very big no to this, but i feel that it would perhaps lighten everything and show that the contact between us does not always have to do with our situation. when i do see/talk to him again, it will just make it a lot easier. if he does reply, i am sure it will also be very general/casual which will really put me at ease. if he does not reply i will actually think he is a complete jerk as he could not even handle a bit of maturity. also i think that having 2 weeks before i do this is enough time for me to change my mind and also enough time for him to realise that i am not that obssessive anymore. what do you guys think... please try and see this from my eyes!! Link to comment
gumdrops_and_lollipops Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Hiya Female, Guess what happened to me today...Yep you guessed it...I got a text message from "HIM". It was kinda odd...I had picked my son up at school and decided to stop at the bowling alley to see Grandma....Well..I came out after leaving my phone in the car and it had a message from him..Oooo let me rewind for a minute...I asked him Monday how he weeked was going since he messaged me the night of my birthday...I got a text at 6 am this morning...Anyhow...I sent something back to him and this went on for 4 hours plus...Not continuous but I enough that I thought to myself..hmmmmm...Why all of a sudden is he worrying about me. Well my friend called me and reminded me that it was because the roles had been reversed...I didnt care about what he was doing anymore and he knew it...He told me that he knew that I had "moved on" and that I "deserved" to be happy...He also told me that "why would you want me around when all I did was screw up your life and give you aggrevation"...OMFG...He said that he hadnt moved on...just out of the way because he couldnt leave where he was right now and didnt want to give me false hope...Phew....Im so much stronger now...Dont get me wrong..its been 2 years for us and I do love him..but I am strong enough to let go...My point is that the less you show him any attention...the more its going to make him wonder why...I feel 100% better now that I am in the drivers seat...Wink wink...Good luck! Trust me...I was were you are...10 times worse just a couple of weeks ago... Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 hey gumdrops! im so glad things are improving for you! but i guess ur response to my last post is to not do it. do u honestly feel that it would be such a big mistake? Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Female - - - Please know you have our support no matter what. From experience, I can tell you that if you email him in 2 weeks, it's possible the roller coaster will start again. Positive Response from him: Your mind will tell you "yes, I still have him..." No Response: The rejection will sting as badly. How about in two weeks, you can decide if you're strong enough. I feel so badly for you......... Here's to a good morning and a happy sunny day for you! Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 hmmmm. okay. i will see how i feel. i guess i feel this way as im not over it. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Hi Female, I suspect if you send him an email, just a few short weeks after all this went down, you are just going to scare him more and not get the response you are hoping for. This is still fresh for him, and I fear that this point he's just glad to have you out of the picture at the office, and a friendly email would not be welcomed by him. My guess is he is struggling with alot of guilt and his conscience is telling him to keep you as far away as possible. I'm sorry, I know that hurts and I don't mean to sound cruel.... I really think the best thing for both of you is for you to leave him be and let sleeping dogs lie. Remember, you are ultimately not going to get what you want from him because he is married and choosing to be faithful to his wife... and you deserve someone who is single, available and ready to commit to you 100% in the way you are ready to commit. There ARE others like him out there- don't idealize this too much. He's not perfect for you if he has a wife that he goes home to every night. ((HUGS)) Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 hi hope, you are probably right, i am just finding this so hard. Link to comment
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