Momene's Golden Rules

[Momene]

Now I'm not a trained expert but I've had over 50 years on this planet and been married for 20 of them. Whilst there are some exceptions, there are many lessons I've learned which may help. This doesn't mean I don't get my own share of dramas and dilemmnas at times!

 

1. Staying in a bad relationship: Many people on this board and others I've met, cling onto relationships where they are getting little or nothing from them. Unless there are dependents involved, it's not worth it

 

2. It's OK to be alone: See no.1. If you split you'll be alone. It's not too bad really and if you miss the sex, casual flings are sociallly acceptable these days, as are tissue paper and carrots and it doesn't make you blind. I've still got good eyesight

 

3. You don't have to be alone for ever: there are some very ugly and obnoxious people about but the other 99.9% can find a beholder somewhere

 

4. If you get dumped, accept it and don't fight it. If you manage to get undumped, you'll only get dumped again later. Once you get dumped a few times and find that no 2 and no 3 are OK, you'll lose the fear of it

 

5. Fear of being dumped increases the probability of it happening

 

6. I'll get slagged off for this but being from a different social class makes a relationship more difficult than an age gap or from a different country

 

7. It's not wrong to be clingy or independent but a clingy person and independent person just won't work

 

8. Most people cheat during at least one relationship in their lives

 

9. When people are ready to move on from a relationship, they are often liniong up the successor. It's not right but most of us have done it

 

10. Beware of "breaks". See No 9. If you do have one, set a time limit and ground rules. If you can't agree, the break is for good

 

11. LDRs have their own problems. In the UK, most partners left at home are dumped by Christmas of the first year at uni. It is more acceptable in the US

 

12. Age gaps are OK, provided that the younger partner is at least 18/19

 

13. The time you spend with your kids is repaid with interest when they're older

 

14. Sometimes a relationship fails because of someone's behaviour but most of the time it's because one or other has fallen out of love

 

15. You can't choose who you're attracted to but you can choose which one of them you try to have a relationship with

 

16. Many people with promiscuous pasts go on to have monogamous marriages

 

17. In a long relationship, boundaries need to be watched and renegotitated constannly. Drifting apart and back together is a natural process

 

Must be more...

[OceanEyes]

There were two that I found especially great:

 

 

8. Most people cheat during at least one relationship in their lives

 

16. Many people with promiscuous pasts go on to have monogamous marriages

 

I respect that you haven't automatically assumed that people who've cheated or had 'checkered' pasts are always going to be that way. It's refreshing to read something that doesn't carry the stigma "once a cheater always a cheater", or something equally closed-minded.

 

Many people change and grow with time.

[Batya33]

How is cheating defined? If as just having intercourse with someone else when you are exclusive/married to another person, ok but as you broaden the definition to include flirting or "cyber sex" etc then that changes the statistics significantly.

 

I have seen many happy couples where they broke up once before and got back together. It depends on why the break up and what changed in themselves or their interactions.

[Momene]

There were two that I found especially great:

 

 

 

I respect that you haven't automatically assumed that people who've cheated or had 'checkered' pasts are always going to be that way. It's refreshing to read something that doesn't carry the stigma "once a cheater always a cheater", or something equally closed-minded.

 

Many people change and grow with time.

 

I've never been promiscuous. Despite the popular belief, some people were in my day 30 years ago but most of us just slept with girlfriends/boyfriends and then not all of them. I did, however, cheat on girlfriends and one of my only 2 casual encounters happened when I was engaged to my first wife. My wife is aware of this and I haven't cheated on her in nearly 18 years.

[ImThatGirl]

Momene - Kudos to you for putting that list together. Good read. Good points!

 

While talking about a friend of mine, my bf made the point once a cheater always a cheater. I totally disagree. I think people can change. I asked him if he has ever made a mistake more than once in his life. And told him if judging by the past, he'll make that mistake again if "once a cheater always a cheater" is true.

[sparkle1]

Good thread...

 

will be helpful to all...i am sure!!

 

Cheers for taking the time to do it!

 

X

[Momene]

Apart from cheating because the realtionship is bad (well why not just LEAVE!!??) I think it's something many of us grow out of.

[rightfromthestart]

I was trained at the institute of blah, blah, blah and I've had over 150 relationships over the last 2 years and was married each time. Whilst there are some exceptions, there are many lessons I've learned from each failed relationship. Here are a few of the 'insider tips' from my life as a killer bee.

 

1. How to stay in a bad relationship: get clinically depressed and start thinking 'I bet she thinks I'm sexy in this bathrobe. three day old bed head hair is such a turn on.

 

2. It's OK to be alone in your own home while a gaggle of strangers eat steak and watch tv : See no.1. If you want to be alone, it's important to make sure that every room is your house is occupied by someone else – that way sleeping in the car doesn't look like a bad option.

 

3. You don't have to be alone for ever – there is always someone just as spaced out as you are on the internet: there are some very ugly and obnoxious people lurking about in la-la land but remember some of them might actually be people you know – so, pretend you are someone else and always leave your computer on.

 

4. When you get dumped, pretend you had no idea it was coming, and run around like a chicken with its head cut off. If you manage to do this right, everyone will think you are insane and that will make it easier for the dumper not to try hooking up again.

 

 

5. When the dumper has fears of being dumped, there is an increases the probability that they will dump the other person because that way they win – remember, love and marriage is a game, its all about manipulation and control and power – and the shame of having to face up to the fact that the leafs are a better hockey team.

 

6. Being from a different social class makes a relationship difficult because back in the day of serfs and warlords you could never move up in status.

 

7. It's not wrong to be clingy or independent but a clingy person and independent person just won't work and a clingy / clingy won't either, and a independent / independent couple is doomed as well, and a semi clingy – semi independent couple has no chance…think of all the possible varations! Wooo hooo

 

8. Most people cheat during at least one relationship in their lives – because using generalizations to justify your cheating is the only thing you could think of at the time you were doing the nasty with that guy from firestation #69

 

9. When people are ready to move on from a relationship, they are often lining up the successor. It's not right but hey, welcome to the school of hard knocks. Its important to have something lined up and you should really interview a number of them because you really want someone that will understand and love you for your morals and values.

 

10. Beware of "breakdancing". As soon as your partner slips back in time, she's gone.

 

 

11. LDRs have their own problems – so create a time machine and only share it with that dreamy guy you are humping.

 

12. Sometimes a relationship fails because of someone's behaviour but most of the time it's because someone was just using you until they got bored

 

13. You can't choose who you're attracted to if you are attracted to many you sure are allowed to keep all on board for rainy days

 

14. Many people with promiscuous pasts go on to have marriages with other cheaters

 

15. In a relationship, boundaries need to be in place and barbed wire installed and stun guns really help to ensure those boundaries are respected. Drifting apart is a natural outcome of boundaries so keep adding more and more to your list until you have run out of ideas. And yes, eating peanut butter sandwhiches with your mouth open is a dealbreakers! That's just so gross and unacceptable.

[Momene]

An intersting contribution.

[sparkle1]

interesting...if not a wee bit random!!

[Momene]

18. Only get back with an ex if the reason for the split is resolved. Otherwise history will repeat itself

[Dako]

Good list, Momene.

You've given it some thought.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

The only *General Rules type post* I've ever seen on here that I like.

 

Respect. I'd even agree with most of it!

[Shadows Light]

Very good Post Momene... food for thought. Thanks for taking the time.

 

And... Rightfromthestart... Love your facetiousness. Your gonna give weird All Yankovic a run for his money eh?? LOL. Thanks for the entertainment and making it light.

 

"LIFE SHOULD NOT BE A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN AN ATTRACTIVE AND WELL PRESERVED BODY.

 

BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS - CHARDONNAY IN ONE HAND - STRAWBERRIES IN THE OTHER - BODY THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT AND SCREAMING....

 

WHOOHOO WHAT A RIDE!!!"

 

You both fogot the rule to have fun. Don't take yourself and others so seriously all the time. You only have one spin on this magic carpet ride... so enjoy it.

[rightfromthestart]

garbage man oh garbage man........

 

fish heads fish heads, rolllie pollie fish heads!

 

lol

 

to be serious fer a moment, when u think about it - if keef richards can still be alive, surely cats like us in here can to.

 

i was thinking about something the other day - about the lengths i used to go to, make like a danny kay jester, just to make my gurl at the time have a giggle when she was in the dumps and it made me take a step back, do a happy dance, check my vital organs [wink] and everything was still working great. so, i took my foot off the gas, and grabbed a triple, triple and thought - what a ride indeed!

 

stay kewl

[doyathink]

Carrots?!?!

 

Great post, I think there is some truth in what you said.

[Daddy Bear]

1. Staying in a bad relationship: Many people on this board and others I've met, cling onto relationships where they are getting little or nothing from them. Unless there are dependents involved, it's not worth it

 

and occasionally, even when there are dependents (physical abuse comes to mind).

 

2. It's OK to be alone: See no.1. If you split you'll be alone. It's not too bad really and if you miss the sex, casual flings are sociallly acceptable these days, as are tissue paper and carrots and it doesn't make you blind. I've still got good eyesight

 

personally, i'd respect myself more putting my issue in a tissue than i would doing the one-off gig.

 

3. You don't have to be alone for ever: there are some very ugly and obnoxious people about but the other 99.9% can find a beholder somewhere

 

ugly beyond words? find a nice blind person. obnoxious? can't halp you, wouldn't wish you on an enemy.

 

4. If you get dumped, accept it and don't fight it. If you manage to get undumped, you'll only get dumped again later. Once you get dumped a few times and find that no. 2 and no. 3 are OK, you'll lose the fear of it

 

usually true, except that some people start to see a pattern emerge and each breakup becomes worst than the last. to them i say: don't be discouraged! you are not cursed. unless you're obnoxious...

 

5. Fear of being dumped increases the probability of it happening

 

check! take a chill pill.

 

6. I'll get slagged off for this but being from a different social class makes a relationship more difficult than an age gap or from a different country

 

if one partner is ashamed of the other, yeah.

 

7. It's not wrong to be clingy or independent but a clingy person and independent person just won't work

 

check!

 

8. Most people cheat during at least one relationship in their lives

 

guilty, have now evolved past it.

 

9. When people are ready to move on from a relationship, they are often lining up the successor. It's not right but most of us have done it

 

i tend not to look down on folks for that. the heart is a slippery beast.

 

10. Beware of "breaks". See No 9. If you do have one, set a time limit and ground rules. If you can't agree, the break is for good

 

i don't advocate specific timetables in matters of love. you can never really be sure at the outset how long something will take (like healing, for example).

 

11. LDRs have their own problems. In the UK, most partners left at home are dumped by Christmas of the first year at uni. It is more acceptable in the US

 

i know the first part to be true. haven't seen data on the rest.

 

12. Age gaps are OK, provided that the younger partner is at least 18/19

 

... and provided that both partners are in it for the right reasons, and that they have at least SOMETHING in common to talk about besides sex.

 

13. The time you spend with your kids is repaid with interest when they're older

 

check!

 

14. Sometimes a relationship fails because of someone's behaviour but most of the time it's because one or other has fallen out of love

 

weren't you the one who said it was usually because of cheating? hard to separate the two, i guess. anyway, i think the "why" of a breakup shouldn't be that important. unless you're obnoxious...

 

15. You can't choose who you're attracted to but you can choose which one of them you try to have a relationship with

 

check! choose wisely, Grasshopper.

 

16. Many people with promiscuous pasts go on to have monogamous marriages

 

check!

 

17. In a long relationship, boundaries need to be watched and renegotitated constannly. Drifting apart and back together is a natural process

 

that first sentence sounds a mite... cynical? clinical? rabbinical? i would say that a LTR is like a car: don't get overwrought and live in fear of it breaking down at every turn; just maintain it properly and you will be doing all you can to get the most from it.

 

(i didn't post to contradict you, Momene--i'm just throwing my opinions on the community bonfire.)

[Terry Jarlsberg]

Disrespectful my zadnitsa!

[DN]

Disrespectful my zadnitsa!

 

Whatever you say. Enjoy your vacation from the forum.

[kafka]

Must be more...

.........I'll give it a whirl.

 

19. Personal insecurities will not be overcome through having a relationship.

 

20. The only thing pre-determined (destiny) in our lives is that one day we will all die.

 

21. Love does not conquer all.

 

22. Dealing with a problem is not the same thing as dwelling on it.

 

23. Regular affection is just as important, if not more so, than regular sex.

 

24. Once you've said something you can't take it back.

 

25. Compromise does not mean capitulation.

[Momene]

Yes, I am a bit generally cynical (see no.17). I had a bad patch in my 2nd marriage 2/3 years ago.

 

I think that cheating is often a symptom that someone has fallen out of love but it can also be a symptom that someone is an oversexed selfish person. Either way, it's a dealbreaker for most relationships.

[Momene]

Disrespectful my zadnitsa!

 

As the OP, I have a right to know what all this was about!

[Momene]

bump to top

[pregnantkitty_1985]

 

16. Many people with promiscuous pasts go on to have monogamous marriages

 

..

 

Explain! This gives me some hope for my man, heh.

[silky88]

i think this is a great thread, and would like to contribute... i've had four real relationships since i was 18. three were really bad, and the current one is great. i learned a lot from the bad ones and i think that's why i've been able to have a good one this time around. my golden rules are structured as dos and don'ts (may be some repetition from original thread):

 

DON'T:

 

-- get involved with someone with a drug problem. you will always come second to the substance.

 

-- endure physical or emotional abuse. if he/she hits you, pushes you, throws things, breaks things, calls you horrible names, or always makes you feel bad or guilty, drop him/her.

 

-- put up with lies. if you are sure he/she is lying, especially repeatedly, the relationship is pretty much over. there is no relationship if there is no trust.

 

-- chase someone or pine over someone who has specifically said that they are not interested. it only makes you look pathetic and less attractive to the person.

 

-- play mind games. no one likes to be manipulated, and especially if you are older/wiser/smarter than the other person, you should know better and be kind and instructive rather than using your advantage against your partner.

 

-- coerce someone or allow yourself to be coerced into uncomfortable sexual situations. it really causes problems deep down inside that you might not see until well after.

 

-- depend on another person for your happiness. if you can't be happy for who you are by yourself or for your own accomplishments, you need to work on that before you get into a relationship.

 

-- try to fix someone else. if you don't like them how they are at the beginning, you sure as hell aren't going to like them once some time passes and the newness wears off.

 

-- let physical attraction be the chief basis of a relationship. people age, get into disfiguring accidents, lose or cut their hair, gain or lose weight, change their style of dress. if you don't love them for their kindness, intelligence, etc., it isn't going to last.

 

-- let someone else change you on purpose. sure, everyone has a bit of influence on everyone around them, but if they want to overhaul who you are, you are not their lover but their project.

 

-- cheat. this seems like an obvious one, but if you really want to sleep with someone else, have the restraint to break up with your partner first. it only take ten minutes. surely you can wait that long.

 

-- move in with someone after dating them for less than a year, give or take. most leases or for a year, and you have to pretty sure you can stand the person for twelve months before committing to another twelve. if it means a long distance relationship, so be it.

 

-- get married too fast. i've seen this happen to a lot of people, my mom included, and it turns out badly more often than not. you have your whole life ahead of you, why rush?

 

-- lie. (little white lies such as how someone's haircut looks are excused) honesty is key, and who wants to keep up with managing the lies they've told? it just makes you feel guilty and stressed, and if it comes out later, you'll feel really dumb.

 

-- put up with too much crap. don't let people walk all over you. compromise is great, but if you are always the one sacrificing, it is not a relationship of equals.

 

-- be a chronic nag/complainer. if you dislike that many things that the other person is doing, perhaps you are not compatible enough to be together.

 

 

and now for the positive:

 

DO:

 

-- make time for each other, even if you're really busy. if you love someone, you want to spend time with them, and vice versa. it keeps the relationship strong.

 

-- be affectionate. kisses rock!

 

-- offer to pick up the tab every now and then, even if you're the girl. but don't argue if the other person insists.

 

-- find things in common. if all you ever have to talk about is sex or the relationship, it isn't going to last.

 

-- laugh together. the best couples i've seen have lots of inside jokes together, and share a good giggle every now and then.

 

-- give each other space to have alone-time and grow on their own. everybody needs a LITTLE down-time.

 

-- do little things to surprise the other person: a flower under the windshield wiper on their car, a secret note left to find later, a basket of chocolates when you show up at his/her house... this lets them know you are not taking them for granted.

 

-- speak up about things that are bothering you. communication is key, and they'll never know what you think/want/need if you don't tell them.

 

-- let him/her get away with something every once in a while. just don't let them make a habit of it.

 

-- compliment each other. everyone likes to know what their partner likes about them.

 

-- have an equal level of initiation for all levels of the relationship. if you have called him/her the last three times, wait to be called this time. if you are always waiting for the other person to start the sex, make the first move this time. even give-and-take makes both people feel wanted and loved.

 

-- respect the other person's wishes, beliefs and desires.

 

 

what do you guys think?