So Ashamed.......I hit my GF

[Lady Bugg]

Hmmmm I think if his g/f posted and said she was hit in the arm after she hit him in the testies by accident.....then she may still get replies saying it could have been a knee jerk reaction. Now if she said he punched her in the face over and over...YEAH........probably a little different.

 

Not excusing the guy for not having self control . Obviously he could benefit from it...but lets not paint him into this woman beating monster either.

[brando]

well like others have stated it isnt so much the hitting i am concerned with it is the verbally abusive part. Dont let this cintinue. Ge thelp. It is not a sign of a loving relationship if you sink to this level becuase you are a little ticked off.

 

It can lead to physical abuse as well.

 

Check out some books, some websites, and seek out a counselor to talk about why you feel you have to verbally attack her. This shows some insecurities and immaturity on your part... so take the next step now and seek some help.

[lonelynyc]

There isn't a period after "even though I was hit first" it continues on to say "i know i didn't have restraint and that is why I am so ashamed." I'm not trying to excuse myself and please don't put my words out of context.

[hosswhispra]

There are outlets that offer free counseling. I would inquire through the National Domestic Violence website. If you are a student in a university, there are places known as "drop in centers," where you can receive counseling and inquire about additional counseling.

 

The first step in change is in the recognition of the wrong choice you made, when you hit your girlfriend (which you have done).

 

The second step in change is reaching out to get help (you have made the first step by posting here).

 

Remember, only YOU have the power to change yourself. You make your own choices.

[WorkNProgress]

The thing is verbal abuse hurts and lasts alot longer than a bruise, cut, scratch, or shove. I would recommend checking online for some domestic abuse centers. There has to be something in the NY metro area. Also as another poster said look into why you feel you need to go low in the verbal attacks.

[rose2summer]

Well, as brando mentioned, I would focus on the verbal abuse,

 

That's an area that is of great concern,

 

Many times verbal abuse affects the mind more than physical abuse,

 

We want to help you lonely,

 

Maybe finding the root of the problem can be of great benefit,

 

Have you ever been jealous or verbally abusive to previous gfs?

 

Is there verbal abuse in your family?

 

I really care that you figure out the root of this,

 

So that you can be a loving bf and develop a healthy relationship,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Lonely, you can do a lot of reseach regarding ways to handle yourself in potentially "explosive" situations.

 

The best advise is to take a cooling off period where you and your girlfriend take a minute to be alone and reflect on the problem. The key is to stop the fight before it escalates.

 

Were you or your girlfriend abused as children or involved in other abusive relationships?

[hosswhispra]

^ True, bruises heal, but the scars from verbal abuse run deep.

[rose2summer]

I am going to give some background on my last relationship,

 

Since it relates in some way to yours,

 

My ex was verbally abusive to me, told me I was fat (I am 114lbs), didn't like my hair color (it's brown, he wanted black), I was too tall (I am 5'5"), told me how to dress, put down my dreams, the list goes on, etc,

 

Over time, I became so turned off by him,

 

There was no hope for reconciliation,

 

I knew it would only get worse,

 

Because he came from a family where abuse was the norm,

 

If you don't make changes now,

 

You are going to lose this woman,

 

My ex sure lost me and 2months later he still calls,

 

And it's OVER, I will not return to that,

 

If you love her, you will make the necessary changes, via counseling.

 

Rose

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Little Boys Temper

 

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the fence.

 

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily, gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

 

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said "you have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one."

 

You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.

 

Make sure you control your temper the next time you are tempted to say something you will regret later.

[lonelynyc]

Healing Hands Warm Heart,

 

I was never abused as a child except for a spanking here and there, and I vaguely remember when I was really young my mother hitting my father with a broomstick,I can't remember if it was self defense or not but that is the only instance of violence I know of. My parents fought a lot and are now divorsed. I know there is a history of physical abuse in her family as her father used to abuse her mother, she has a complex family history as she was brought up by two father figures.

[rose2summer]

The fact that you were raised in a family where a great deal of fighting occurred,

 

Could have a basis for your behavior now,

 

It's an area you want to explore and further,

 

Rose

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I really think the major problem is that you and your girlfriend do not know how to fight healthy.

 

You can express how you are feeling without yelling and cursing. But it takes practice and patience.

 

i speak from experience..i want you to know that.

 

The main thing is that you have to be in control of YOU- if your girlfriend gets upset and begins yelling....one of the best tricks i've learned is to respond in the softest voice possible... this calms the person..she may even look at you like you've lost your mind.

 

Say things like "i know you are upset..lets sit and talk and calm down" and then address the issues... don't get caught up in the yelling and blaming..that solves nothing.

[melrich]

I think the OP has stuck his hand up and said that the relationship has gotten unhealthy and he wants help. I get that he understands physical and verbal abuse is bad and he is ashamed and remorseful for is actions so I am not sure he needs this to be continually rubbed in his face.

 

OP, I think it would be a good idea having recognised your issues that you seek to address them. I get a sense that below the surface you have the foundation of a good relationship. I do think you should seek out some anger management course. I am sure taht there are community based programs available at very little cost, it does not have to be one on one counselling. I'd strongly suggest that you seek one out. You will feel better about doing something proactive to address your problem.

 

Some sort of couples counselling could also help. It sounds to me like you guys don't fight "healthily" and the fact that such a minor event escalated to what it did is maybe an indication of some underlying stresses in your relationship that you have not admitted to (moving could be a part of that).

 

The important thing is that you make something positive out of what happened so that it does nort just become this black mark on the relationship but rather it becomes the event that turned it all around for you guys.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with the other posters, you should get some counseling for your temper and then get some couples counseling for the both of you so you guys can learn to deal with your anger instead of lashing out at each other.

 

And yes, lashing out verbally does leave unseen scars and CAN lead to physical abuse down the road. I've seen it happen. It starts out as yelling and screaming at each other, with the waving of hands in gestures, etc. Pretty soon it can and will lead to someone striking out at someone in anger. My ex best friend was like that. When I dated him, he was always upset, always angry and always explosive about things. He would yell, scream and shout, wave his hands wildly in the air, gesticulating in anger, and say some of the most hurtful things you could imagine. In the beginning I would argue back at him and we would have screaming matches. Not long after, his anger started boiling over more and more and he would strike out at me and slug me in anger, then he would apologize and say that I got him upset and he would promise not to do it again. Then a few days later, something would get him upset and he would get angry, yell, lose it and shove me or hit me. It became a weird cycle that got me to the point that I would do ANYTHING that I could, so that he would NOT get angry, wave his arms, etc., becuase when he got angry and started waving his arms around, it usually meant he would slug me or push me. It got real bad and only stopped because he found a bf who treated him the way he treated me. Nowadays (although we dont hang out anymore or speak to each other anymore) I would still flinch and get real nervous whenever he got upset and started waving his arms around.

 

Get help and dont let it get any worse, because verbal abuse CAN and usually DOES lead to some type of physical abuse.

[lunatic]

OK look I have stopped an ex girlfriend from leaving my house so I could talk to her about the situation. I grabbed her and spun her around into a wall. I was so mad and I wanted to do more but, I came to my senses and let her leave after something I did which I WILL not put up here and no I did not hit her but, I did some stupid things I am still not proud of.

 

I hated myself for doing that to her and I vowed to never do it again. To this day I have never raised my hand to a woman. I was even assaulted myself with a crazy woman kicking, punching, biting, gouging my skin with her nails. I remained composed enough to NOT hit her back even though it would have been considered self defense.

 

So with that said I can tell you that someone can change the monster without counselling. I did it all on my own and to this day if I get mad I walk away. It is not worth giving into your most basic urges. I like to walk away and cool off a bit so I can think it out rationally.

 

So cut the guy some slack as I can see he is already upset at himself and ashamed already.

 

Lonely if I were you I would walk away from her and go for a walk or drive for a while to cool off. Then when you calm down you can go talk it out like adults. Remember keeping ones cool is a huge responsibility and you MUST NOT raise your hand to any woman ever again.

[yeawutever]

Well you would have to forgive yourself for it. As you have no rights hitting her, she also had no rights hitting you on the testies. Looks like both of you might need anger management.

[melrich]

Ailec1987, her hitting him on the testicles was an accident.

[lunatic]

Yeah well the verbal abuse is not an accident. That type of fighting can and will spaw violence at times. People have a tendenacy to get very emotional and angry at the same time I know v. I cannot tell you how many times I had fights with ex's that were all name calling and trying to hurt the other. So I can see how this happened and hitting anyone in general is not right.

[melrich]

Yeah well the verbal abuse is not an accident.

 

Well again she did not verbally abuse him. Look, Ailec's advice was they both need anger management. From the OPs post this is not correct. She did not do any verbal abusing and she accidentally clipped him on the balls.

 

The advice does not stack up with the OPs problem as outlined in his original post. He needs anger management, not her.

[lunatic]

Well again she did not verbally abuse him. Look, Ailec's advice was they both need anger management. From the OPs post this is not correct. She did not do any verbal abusing and she accidentally clipped him on the balls.

 

The advice does not stack up with the OPs problem as outlined in his original post. He needs anger management, not her.

 

Yeah I retract my last statment as I realize I missed a key part of the OP thread. Sorry I feel foolish. OP you should go get some angermanagment classes.

[melrich]

Just read the first post. He outlines it all there.

 

Clearly this was upsetting, not because of the threat of infidelity, because i trust her but because of the fact that she felt she couldn't be honest with me. She tried to apologize but in that moment I was very upset and was verbally abusive, cursing, calling her nasty things. So she left the room. I followed her, and tried to hug her as she was lying on the bed. She was saying "get off of me!" and swung her arm to push me away or something but ended up hitting one of my testicles, the next thing i knew I swung and hit her arm.

[WorkNProgress]

In this post he said that both verbally aim low at each other. They both need to find out why it is they choose to react to each other like that. In my opinion they both push each others buttons he unfortunately took it farther. I would say anger management for both would be something to look into.

[lunatic]

In this post he said that both verbally aim low at each other. They both need to find out why it is they choose to react to each other like that. In my opinion they both push each others buttons he unfortunately took it farther. I would say anger management for both would be something to look into.

 

 

I knew I saw that somewhere. Thanks WNP

[brando]

Well lonelynyc is here and asking questions/advice. A good sign he is aware something more may be wrong.

 

We shall see where this leads..