So Ashamed.......I hit my GF

[lonelynyc]

I really don't know where to begin. I moved to NY mostly because of my GF. There were factors that resulted in my relocating there but my GF was the main reason. We have been living together for a couple of months, and it has been a very difficult situation as it is a new experience for both of us. We have been arguing more often then what we used to, we tell eachother nasty things, yet we always make up. I know that I love this woman, we have shared intense moments and have beautiful memories of the year and half we have dated. We are both in our early 20's and have so many dreams and plans. We have these plans about our lives also. However lately we've become very irratable with eachother, it seems we no longer talk as friends, like we used to so often. The physical romance is still there, but the emotional support of one another is lacking. We've broken up a couple of times but immediately get back together, we Love eachother very much.

 

Last night we were arguing about an incident which had occurred the previous night, i had been watching Monday night football at the bar and she had been out with her friend. When I looked at her cellphone I saw that she had received calls from to of her male CoWorkers. She lied to me. Clearly this was upsetting, not because of the threat of infidelity, because i trust her but because of the fact that she felt she couldn't be honest with me. She tried to apologize but in that moment I was very upset and was verbally abusive, cursing, calling her nasty things. So she left the room. I followed her, and tried to hug her as she was lying on the bed. She was saying "get off of me!" and swung her arm to push me away or something but ended up hitting one of my testicles, the next thing i knew I swung and hit her arm.

 

We both immediately broke down, I was crying like a baby. I felt and feel so ashamed, I have never ever hit a woman. I've always prided myslef on that matter. I come from a family of mostly women and have always felt the utmost respect for them. I hit her hard and she has a nasty bruise. I don't know what to do. I hate woman beaters and have always felt disgusted by them, that is how I feel about myself. I know that thisi can never be taken back, I feel that even if we stay together this will always hang in the back of our minds. I love this woman. But the relationship is no longer healthy.

 

I'm disgusted wiht myself, she told me " you have to forgive yourself". But I don't know if I can. I want to stay in this relationship, I moved 3,000 miles for this girl, and have sacrifised so much so that we could be together, but I feel that this is something that will never be forgotten.

 

Any advise, thoughts, insights, that anyone has would be greatly appretiated.....

[rose2summer]

Well, what it comes down to was you hit her,

 

I know you feel bad about it,

 

But violence because you were angry about a call,

 

Will amount to further problems in the future,

 

Are you truly sure that it won't happen again,

 

If you get another bout of jealousy,

 

If you are sure it won't happen again,

 

Then stay with her, otherwise walk away,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[Dako]

Wow. That must be hard to bear.

 

I hope she can convince you to forgive yourself. She has a key role in that taking place, and also knows you're not a violent guy.

 

Years ago I was laying on the couch with my legs apart and someone tossed me a hardcover book, hitting me in the worst spot. I lost my mind for a bit. It does happen.

 

I've never hit a woman, and can't imagine how guilty I'd feel if I did.

[Lady Bugg]

Ok......NOT to downplay what the poster did...because hitting IS wrong regardless....but he said she hit him in the testies....and it SOUNDS to me like it was a knee jerk reaction. I don;t have testies..but I have heard it'd PRETTY painful getting hit there.

 

It sounds like you are remorseful..and I hope you have learned your lesson.

Perhaps your g/f would go to couples counseling with you?

I think it could benefit you both..and help you diffuse these fights...and learn to communicate more effectively.

 

I would also advise anger management classes. it couldn't hurt.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

What troubles me is that you not only hit her ...but it sounds as though you were verbally abusive as well. Is this a pattern?

 

How can anyone feel safe to comfort, support and be a friend to someone when they knock you down.

 

I would strongly suggest you seek some help in the area of anger and communication.

 

I understand that you are sorry. If you dont want it to happen again take action now before you do something you'll really regret.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

It sounds like you and your grrrl might benefit from couples counseling. While you weren't right to hit her, it's easy to see how it happened. You two are going thru a very stressful time, and when people are frustrated and upset, they lash out.

 

Even if your grrrl won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself, if only to work thru some of your feelings.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

NOBODY has the right to hit ANYBODY for ANY reason...to send a message that it's ok ..under "certain circumstances" is absolutely crazy.

 

Ok......NOT to downplay what the poster did...because hitting IS wrong regardless....but he said she hit him in the testies....and it SOUNDS to me like it was a knee jerk reaction. I don;t have testies..but I have heard it'd PRETTY painful getting hit there.

 

It sounds like you are remorseful..and I hope you have learned your lesson.

Perhaps your g/f would go to couples counseling with you?

I think it could benefit you both..and help you diffuse these fights...and learn to communicate more effectively.

 

I would also advise anger management classes. it couldn't hurt.

[Lady Bugg]

Um I never SAID it was OK...............I said it sounds like it was a knee jerk reaction.......SHEESH

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

It just sounds like an excuse..and there is no excuse.

 

Abusive relationships are on the rise...people have to start taking a no-tolerance approach.

 

 

Um I never SAID it was OK...............I said it sounds like it was a knee jerk reaction.......SHEESH

[Dako]

I don't see anyone here approving of hitting her. I think two people are hurting units over this. Maybe some counseling or just good conversation can resolve the tension.

[lunatic]

Ok......NOT to downplay what the poster did...because hitting IS wrong regardless....but he said she hit him in the testies....and it SOUNDS to me like it was a knee jerk reaction. I don;t have testies..but I have heard it'd PRETTY painful getting hit there.

 

It sounds like you are remorseful..and I hope you have learned your lesson.

Perhaps your g/f would go to couples counseling with you?

I think it could benefit you both..and help you diffuse these fights...and learn to communicate more effectively.

 

I would also advise anger management classes. it couldn't hurt.

 

OK I agree with Lady on this one. It does not make it better to hit her but, it probably was a knee jerk reaction once she nailed him in the nut. YES THAT HURTS REALLY BADLY LADIES!!

 

It does not excuse his action as he should have used more restraint but, you cannot change what happened now. You need to come to terms with yourself and then forgive yourself for this indiscretion.

[WorkNProgress]

What is troubling is that there was an over-reaction to certain phone calls. Then came the verbal abusive behavior. Followed by the you hitting her. This is not acceptable behavior and their is NO reason for it. I have known men who have been so angry or they were knocked in the balls. They didn't hit me or anyone else. They were angry but they knew to have enough control to not stoop to hitting. This was something that was in your control and you choose to hit.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I don't mean to be a "B" here but i have done a lot of research on abuse and abusive relationships. NOrmally when it happens once it happens again.

 

Yes, the simple solution is to sit down and have a conversation and communicate..sometimes that's not possible.

 

I am concerned by this statement:

 

"but in that moment I was very upset and was verbally abusive, cursing, calling her nasty things"

 

Thats a form of verbal abuse and nobody deserves to be called nasty names and cursed at...it's unhealthy and unproductive.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Exactly my point.

 

What is troubling is that there was an over-reaction to certain phone calls. Then came the verbal abusive behavior. Followed by the you hitting her. This is not acceptable behavior and their is NO reason for it. I have known men who have been so angry or they were knocked in the balls. They didn't hit me or anyone else. They were angry but they knew to have enough control to not stoop to hitting. This was something that was in your control and you choose to hit.

[hosswhispra]

No doubt being hit on the testicles would hurt and stun you.

 

However, you made the conscious choice to hit her back. That is what concerns me, in addition to the verbal abuse.

 

A good thing is that I think you realize that your reaction was wrong and you want to do something about it.

 

I have found that if I am mad, I leave and only return when I feel cooled down and calm. Leaving and thinking about things helps one to rationalize a situation and prevent something like this from occurring in the first place.

 

One good thing is to educate yourself about domestic violence and the cycle of abuse....and perhaps go for some counseling. No one can change you. Only you can change yourself.

 

hugs,

 

hosswhispra

[chai714]

Sounds like tension has been building for quite some time before this incident took place.

 

Besides thinking about how you'll never do it again, think about ways to control your emotions and specifically, your anger. And, as a last resort if you feel you're losing control then walk out of the house and leave. Get come cooling off time so that you don't strike her again.

[Dako]

I really feel for the OP without assuming he's a future monster.

He came here remorseful for his actions.

 

I'm a guy who loathes abusers, has at times attempted to help battered women and in one case a child escape their tormentors. I've never hit a woman, and can't fathom the guilt I'd feel in the OPs shoes.

 

There is abuse in the world, but are those abusers looking for help? Not often. This guy is.

[flower99]

Ok......NOT to downplay what the poster did...because hitting IS wrong regardless....but he said she hit him in the testies....and it SOUNDS to me like it was a knee jerk reaction. I don;t have testies..but I have heard it'd PRETTY painful getting hit there.

 

It sounds like you are remorseful..and I hope you have learned your lesson.

Perhaps your g/f would go to couples counseling with you?

I think it could benefit you both..and help you diffuse these fights...and learn to communicate more effectively.

 

I would also advise anger management classes. it couldn't hurt.

 

I agree with this. totally...

But to prevent thing from getting worse, because obviously there is a pattern when fights occur get Counseling and or anger management.

You both are hurting. You can't change what happened...But you can learn from it & Fix it so it never happens again.

[hosswhispra]

I really feel for the OP without assuming he's a future monster.

He came here remorseful for his actions.

 

I'm a guy who loathes abusers, has at times attempted to help battered women and in one case a child escape their tormentors. I've never hit a woman, and can't fathom the guilt I'd feel in the OPs shoes.

 

There is abuse in the world, but are those abusers looking for help? Not often. This guy is.

 

If there is any good that came out of this situation, it is that he recognizes his reaction as being wrong. Everyone makes choices. Sometimes they are right, sometimes they aren't.

 

He can change only if he so desires....and I think that he wants to. One step in changing would be to educate oneself about domestic violence and the cycle of violence. Knowledge is empowering.

[rose2summer]

Well, another perspective to look at,

 

Is that she is now going to be fearful of him,

 

So the mending process is that much harder,

 

That's why counseling is very important,

 

A common pattern of domestic abuse is that the perpetrator alternates between violent, abusive behavior and apologetic behavior with apparently heartfelt promises to change.

 

I agree it could be a knee-jerk reponse,

 

But the fact that verbal abuse preceded the hitting event,

 

Makes the underlying reason very important,

 

Some immediate causes that can set off a bout of domestic abuse are

stress

provocation by the intimate partner

economic hardship, such as prolonged unemployment

depression

desperation

jealousy

anger

 

I am in no way trying to instigate or make any accusations,

 

I just want to make sure the OP gets some counseling,

 

And resolves any anger issues that deal with verbal abuse or that one bout of physical abuse,

 

We are always here to listen and help,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

That's why it's important to not downplay it as a knee jerk reaction.

 

If i went with all my knee jerk reactions...i'd be in jail....lol

 

Lonely, i would like to apologize- i do not think you are an abusive monster...but i think that maybe you don't realize how your actions affect other people...and it's important to get your emotions and your temper in check.

 

I truly hope that everything works out... and be mindful of your actions..sometimes we don't realize how powerful we are.

[WorkNProgress]

I think you all are giving way too much credit to someone who did something applorable.

 

Lets look at it from the g/f perspective. If she were to post that she was verbally abused by her b/f and then hit for accidentally hitting him in the balls. Would you still think to give this guy the credit you are offering to him now?

 

To the OP are you here seeking suggestions to fixing your problem or are you seeking absolution for your action?

[lonelynyc]

I want to thank everyone for their honest thoughts and opinions. I agree that the verbal abuse was there, and that tends to go both ways. And she is very provocative with some of the things she says.

 

I love her very much and I genuinely don't want to hurt her. Yet she also says things to me that hurt, and when I respond I'm just as low and also aim to hurt. I don't know why I do this. Many of the replies mention that I had the choice of not striking back, and I agree with this, even though I was hit first I know that I didn't have restraint and that is why I'm so ashamed. As far as couples counceling, that sounds like something I would consider pursuing, and I will propose that to my GF. The problem is that money is tight, and counceling seems to be expensive. Are there any organizations that offer free or inexpensive counceling?

[SherriLi]

WOW,

 

You could be my boyfriend! Everything is exactly the same except for why he hit me and where i was hit. He was very guilty about the whole thing wanted to press charges against himself. i wouldn't let him and we worked things out. i forgave him and now basically everything is better.

 

It sounds like you hit her by accident, like you were bagged and as a reflex of that, you accidentall hit her arm?

[WorkNProgress]

Many of the replies mention that I had the choice of not striking back, and I agree with this, even though I was hit first.

 

This is still is no excuse to hit someone.