I can't move forward-trust issues

[bobi_nmi]

Hello everyone! Okay this is a long story but I will keep it short. I have been in a relationship for a little over a year. I am 26 yrs old and my boyfriend is 21 yrs old. I recently bought a house and he is now living in it with me. I knew when he first moved in that he only had a part time job and would only be able to pay $150.00 a month. My mortgage alone is over $1000.00 a month. I knew he was going to school for real estate so I decided to be supportive. It is now 6 months later and he is still only paying $150.00 a month.

A month after he moved in I found some emails that he had been sending back and forth with multiple other girls, younger and older. It really hurt to read some of them and how he talked to them. Of course he was in pure denial when I asked him about them. He acted as if it had happened right around when we first started dating 6 months prior but in reality, it was only a month ago. I kicked him out and accepted him back the very same night.

I have also caught him in multiple lies, some small and some big. I don't know how he expects me to trust him again if he keeps lying to me. He thinks I am over reacting.

I know all of his passwords to everything (at least I think I do). But it still doesn't help. I constantly think he is lying to me and is really out looking for someone else.

 

Does he really love me and want to be with me or is he just staying with me because it is easy (money wise)?

 

Sometimes I feel like such a fool! I hate feeling this way and I know I am driving him crazy by checking up on him. I really want it to work but it is only a matter of time before I break or he gets tired of it and leaves.

[g44]

why is he lying and why do u have all his passwords?

 

sound shaky...time to talk or call it a day

[bobi_nmi]

Well after I found the emails, I found out his password because he is dumb...lol. He left his email open one day after he had registered for something online. It showed his screen name and password. I remembered he had once told me his password was the same for everything. I knew his password for about 2 months before telling him I knew it. He wasn't mad because I had just busted him on a lie. I investigate everything before I question. Now he knows that if I come to him with a question, I already know the answer. It took him awhile to learn that and that is how I busted him, but now he knows. He also has all of my passwords, which I gave to him because I have NOTHING to hide.

 

I don't know why he lies. He even lies to his mother. It is like a habit to him now. It is mostly dumb stuff, but it makes a person wonder what else he is lying about.

[itsallgrand]

Why not try living separately and take it from there?

 

I think that being in separate homes would give clarity to the relationship.

[bobi_nmi]

I think about that everyday. It just sucks because we have spent the last 6 months moving his stuff out of his mother's house and into mine. It would be so weird here without him. But at the same time, I know something has to change.

[bobi_nmi]

Should I go talk to a professional? Am I acting crazy?

[itsallgrand]

I don't think you're crazy. You're just in a confusing situation, that's all.

 

Yeah, I know it would suck mucho to go through the whole moving-out process, and not easy....buuut...buuut... it would clear up the whole 'is he just with me for the comfy life' question, eh!

 

Ok. I want to be fair, but it's hard to overlook the fact that he is 21 and coming straight from his mother's home to yours. He has a part time job - so I assume he has not yet had to test his grit completely on his own yet? Is that right?

 

And you have. Different life experience. It's hard to appreciate something you've never had to work for: the life of comfort and nice material things.

 

So it's not too surprising to hear how he is acting. Or maybe I am just cynical?

 

Regardless, he is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated, and he IS getting a free pass for grown-up responsibilities. You need to stop letting him do that. I think having a talk with him and giving him a chance to start looking for a place would be good action. Valuable life lesson at minimal cost to both of you. He'll live.

 

good luck

[bobi_nmi]

Thanks for the great advice. I need to digest the fact of him moving out and us "starting over". I am just worried that the trust issues would get worse. With him living here, I know a lot more of what is going on than I would if he had a place of his own. At least I know he isn't out late running the streets every night. I know I don't have it that bad, but I still have trust issues. I just need help moving past that. How do you mend something that has been so hurt? I warned him in the beginning of our relationship that if someone hurts me, I hold grudges...not healthy, I know. But at least I warned him.

[cchurting]

I think your instincts are telling you something. Pay attention to WHY you are feeling like this. What is it you don't trust?

 

Obviously you feel like your man is using you for cheap rent. Him moving out will diminish this fear for you. It could help build back some trust.

 

Good luck. I feel for you.

[Juliana]

Yeah; this is him as you've described him:

 

- moved from his mother's house to yours

- five years younger than you

- makes little or no contribution to rent

- approaches other women sexually

- lies to you

 

"At least I know he isn't out late running the streets every night."

 

What is that??? Honey, I think you both think you're his mother. Time for him to stretch his little wings... He needs to grow up. Being self-sufficient would be a nice start. Believe me, if you continue to let him live with you like this, you are actually teaching him to sponge off a woman, and that's a nasty habit in a man.

[n83]

He can only pay 150 a month?? Honey, he's mooching off you. You're not crazy for accusing him, but keeping him around is certainly crazy!! He doesn't sound like a worthwhile partner at all.