No Contact and Attraction- Getting your Ex Back

[iceman85]

Hello All, I have been on these forums since I got dumped by my girlfriend of a year and a half at the end of May. I was devestated, I wanted her back in the worst way (I still do). I tried everything, crying, pleading, exploding, keeping in contact, accepting blame when she dished it to me, attempting to buy her things. NONE of these worked. I am still trying to get her back but I have come to a realization I would like to share.

 

ATTRACTION is the way to get your ex back.

 

How did you get with your ex in the first place? There was ATTRACTION, that attraction led to your relationship, now through the course of your relationship there were problems, issues that made your ex's ATTRACTION to you dwindle. I am not talking about physical attraction, I am talking about the emotional bond that two people can share.

 

Why is it so hard for people to get an ex back?

 

Because they do everything that is UNATTRACTIVE. Plead, beg, buy gifts, cry, become extremley depressed, needy, stalkerish.

 

Being ATTRACTIVE is being sure of yourself, confident, not needy, being happy within yourself and doing what you want to do.

 

What type of person were you when your met your ex? I'm sure it was the latter type instead of the former.

 

What does staying in contact with our exes do? It proves to them that you are not CONFIDENT, you are NEEDY. This makes your ex run FURTHER AWAY.

 

By going into NC with your ex you are showing that you are in CONTROL of your life, you are not afraid to do YOUR OWN THING, you are happy with yourself and do not need to beg for anyone to be a part of your life.

 

NC is more ATTRACTIVE to an ex, they wonder how someone can be so STRONG, so CONFIDENT after such a traumatic event. That only increases the ATTRACTION that they may have for you.

 

NC also allows you to work on bettering yourself so you can become more ATTRACTIVE. Do new things, join clubs, meet people, do things you love and just enjoy your day to day life. Work out, buy a new outfit, go to a concert, a comedy club. These things make you a more ROUNDED person and allow you to interact with many intresting people. You will have more to offer and more to share with any potential mate, including your ex.

[TheRedQueen]

True, Very True Indeed!!!

[NJRon]

NC is not about winning someone back.... that may be a sad side-effect of NC... but, in the end, NC is for you to get *your* crud together.

 

People who try to *act* in order to achieve a certain result are not actually demonstrating that they actually love themselves. If you love yourself, then it wil lbe apparent. You don't decide.. hey, I'm gonna pretend I love myself so I can get someone else interested in me...

 

I am literally amazed at the number of people, what with the huge profusion of information on NC available on this site, that don't understand that NC is for healing. For healing yourself. Not for *winning* someone back. Who wants to win someone who gave up on you? That's a booby prize.

 

Get your confidence... be yourself... love yourself and you will attract a person that loves you... because, you will be you... maybe for the first time ever. The person who left you, loved who you used to be and, more than likely, won't even know who the heck you are once you grow even more.

 

NC is for you to find yourself... and, in the end, the greatest good will come out of it. You can't achieve the greatest good when you seek a particular outcome. It presents itself to you when you are ready to receive it.

 

NC is the *opposite* of control over your life... it is proof that you have to withdraw to *get* control.

 

Best wishes...

[friscodj]

I've posted about this before and I'll so again...

 

People get so fixated on the mission of "winning" or "getting" their ex "back". There is no "back". "Back" is gone, it is history. You can't go "back". Impossible. There were very real reasons why the break-up happened whether you or she knows what they were or not. And "getting back" is not the end of the road...it is a beginning...

 

Once you reach the point of actually pulling the trigger and breaking up, for whatever reason, damage has been done in the way of setting a precedent for the relationship should you eventually start again with the same person. Not "starting over", but "starting again". To do that, both people have to be committed to addressing the issues which caused the break-up. And this motivation needs to come from a place not associated with detachment, need, or pain of the break-up...

 

And many times, the person you once knew as your "ex" was technically "gone" even before the break-up...

 

You're living in the clouds iceman, follow Maverick back to the aircraft carrier bro. That's OK though because I know how you feel. Keep flying your holding pattern until you run out of gas...you've got a parachute...

 

NC is for you bro. Period.

[joyce1412]

You can't achieve the greatest good when you seek a particular outcome. It presents itself to you when you are ready to receive it.

 

i agree. it's just a bad idea to go into NC with the mindset of winning your ex back. it's not genuine, and keeps you from genuine recovery, because you're still living your life for someone else.

 

i made the mistake of doing NC as a means to get my ex back. i probably would have done it anyway, but when it was brought to my attention in advice columns and these forums that doing NC could help get him back, i put all my energy into that. he wasn't in my life, yet everything i was doing i was still doing FOR HIM. bad way to start off your new life as a single person.

 

i also don't like the posts that say "well, better yourself for yourself...but it could bring your ex back!" don't let your ex even remotely play into your decision about the actions you take with your life...unless those actions are getting the hell away from him.

 

you are only going to love life and love yourself when you view yourself as a complete person, and when your actions to become a better, happier person aren't means to an end, but ends in themselves. who cares about whether someone else is impressed with you when you can impress yourself?

[iceman85]

My post is suggesting that people do NC to better themselves, the fact that NC also helps you not seem needy and reliant on an ex is just a bonus. I should have stated that more clearly.

 

However friscodj your right, once you break up you cant get that relationship back that you had before, if anything comes from it, it has to be a new relationship built on new grounds. Which is very hard to attain given all the issues from the past. Thats why you have to in a way start over and try again with attraction.

[possibiliti]

Well said, friscodj. Agree to the dot and ts. It is a hard reality to face, but you speak the truth of a breakup. Moving on, starting over..... basically life just goes on.

[kadvati79]

People get so fixated on the mission of "winning" or "getting" their ex "back". There is no "back". "Back" is gone, it is history. You can't go "back". Impossible. There were very real reasons why the break-up happened whether you or she knows what they were or not. And "getting back" is not the end of the road...it is a beginning...

I agree. There is no going back.

 

Sure, you can "win" another go with an ex. But what exactly are you "winning"? Somebody who pushed you to the side. For whatever reason, its still a very clear statement. I mean, by all accounts. I am still upset, miss my ex, and am sad about it. But I am unequivical about there is no going back. What we had was gone to the mists of time. Thanks to the growth I have now done, any relationship I had with anyone would be completely different.

 

I know, initially for me at least, focusing on becoming more attractive (or at least feel that way) helped me a great deal. Most of this effort was in the hope my ex would want me back when he saw how attractive I became. But what I later realised, was that I already was attractive. So I think it was helpful to have the motivation early on, to get into the gym, to eat healthy. At the time I didn't have the strength to do it "for me". I know people say you should do it for you, but in those early days, with your self esteem so trashed, its hard to muster up the courage to even THINK about yourself without your ex in the picture.

[TheRedQueen]

Icemotoboy's signature is awesome!

[TheRedQueen]

Sorry I just now for the first time read it and all five tenets are so true.

[kadvati79]

My experience is that NC is something that is earned. Its not something that can be explained or proclaimed. Post breakup, all you can do is point yourself in the vague direction of it and ride the emotions out as best as you can. Eventually, NC is the voice of sanity amongst a sea of madness inside your head and heart. You're in quicksand and its the one rope that you can pull on that won't give way.

 

But its not that attractive post breakup. No matter how many times I read about it, no matter how much I knew it was the right thing to do, I had to earn it. And I earnt it through suffering, sadness, and mourning. Slowly things began to make sense, I had the odd relapse, but each time I learned a little more about myself, each little relapse told me I was still human.

 

I guess thats all I think you can do, point yourself in the vague direction of happiness, and hold on. Keep your eyes open, try and learn as much as you can along the way. Nothing truly humbles you and makes you connect with the world than loosing love.

[majord23]

My experience is that NC is something that is earned. Its not something that can be explained or proclaimed. Post breakup, all you can do is point yourself in the vague direction of it and ride the emotions out as best as you can. Eventually, NC is the voice of sanity amongst a sea of madness inside your head and heart. You're in quicksand and its the one rope that you can pull on that won't give way.

 

Absolutely beautiful. Great post.

[Scout]

Hindsight may really drive the point home that NC's primary achievement is to heal you. But the reality is that in the first and intermediate stages of NC, we're still hoping it brings our ex to the realization that they miss us. And in some cases, it's a positive offshoot of NC in that this actually happens.

 

But we should make every effort possible to cut off those thoughts when they happen, or NC won't work it's healing magic on us. Don't let hope be the dominating factor in your NC period for too long is what I'm saying.

 

Another thing I'm realizing about NC...if you truly stick to it, no matter how much it hurts, in a way it's truly living up to that old saying, "If you love someone, set it free...."

 

I understand in the beginning, we often plead, cry, beg our ex to return, because we are truly in agony. It's when months go by and we're still doing that. At this point, I wonder how much of this is really about specifics of what we miss in our ex, or is it about desperately trying to make ourselves feel better? Is it selfish motivation at this point that is driving us to keep relentlessly contacting the ex? If so...is that really love?

[Donster]

I have to chime in and agree with FriscoDJ on his post. To do NC with the hopes of gaining your ex back is to attach strings to your own life!!! And that is absolutely no way to live, no way to resolve things, and no way to move on with your life.

 

People change over time, and sure absense in many ways can make the heart grow fonder. But even if you were to get back to your ex, things will never be the same. Pandoras box has been opened. innocence has been lost. Baggage has been packed and is piling up by the door. It will take a lot of time, healing, and work to get things going in the right direction, but getting together will not ever put things back to the way they were before the Sh*t hit the fan, leading to the breakup.

 

Regarding reconciliation, my view is that it wil happen if it happens, but you cannot sit there hoping that it will happen, because then you are not free to do all the things that you have to do with your self that will allow it to happen. (Kinda a weird catch 22, I know, or circular logic). But by followign NC, working on yourself, you will eventually find that you dont care if it happens or not, because you will be happy with yourself either way. (at least that is what I am hoping will happen!)