GF wants to go clubbing... I dun like it

[ElektraHere]

I am talking to her now.. this is an exact quote "if it means saving our relatioship then i wont go to the club" somehow this is not how I want things to be. I dun want her not to go there cause I say so. u know what I mean??

 

I think we could sit here and talk to you till we are blue in the face. You may want to think about breaking it off and working on you. Perhaps find out why you need to have control, why you can't have separate lives from someone you are dating, and to have a little more self knowledge about you.

[Hope75]

I am talking to her now.. this is an exact quote "if it means saving our relatioship then i wont go to the club" somehow this is not how I want things to be. I dun want her not to go there cause I say so. u know what I mean??

 

Massari,

 

You are right. This is not the answer. You don't trust her, and you need to figure out what can be done to repair the damage. You can't control her- that is not reasonable and not acceptable.

 

How has the relationship been since this incident in the beginning?

[AwdreeHpburn]

I am talking to her now.. this is an exact quote "if it means saving our relatioship then i wont go to the club" somehow this is not how I want things to be. I dun want her not to go there cause I say so. u know what I mean??

 

I do know what you mean and good for you.

 

Just talk openly with her. Tell her your concerns and reasons for your doubts etc. Maybe even tell her what you think are flaws with in yourself and what things you feel you need to work on. That will make you seem more approachable.

 

But I personally think that comment speaks volumes about where things are in your relationship and if something doesn't change......

[Massari]

our relationship is great. we talk to eachother alot. I love her to death.. just my insecurity sometimes ( most of the times) ruin things and she being 18 makes matters worst. like she is planning to go to cancun mexico with 2 or her gfs for new years and I dunno how I am gonna deal with that. I try not to think about it.

[Massari]

I had a reason.. her friend, she does weed. she has a bf who doesn't give a *** about her. she drinks smokes do all kind of crap. my gfs doesn't do any of that. I told her that and maybe that was what changed her mind all of a sudden.. I thought I'd feel better if she said she is not gonna go to the club. but no I dun feel that great about it,

[Hope75]

I had a reason.. her friend, she does weed. she has a bf who doesn't give a *** about her. she drinks smokes do all kind of crap. my gfs doesn't do any of that. I told her that and maybe that was what changed her mind all of a sudden.. I thought I'd feel better if she said she is not gonna go to the club. but no I dun feel that great about it,

 

So that alieves your anxiety and insecurity for today- but you guilted her into not going. Do you think she will resent you for it? I would. What about next time? What about New Years in Cancun? See how the problem is not resolved, but just pushed off for now, and maybe added to, as she begins to resent your continued insecurity?

 

Her friend is NOT her. Your gf is her own person and makes her own choices and controls her own actions. She would only do something if that is what she wanted and chose to do. This is a fundemental sort of trust in an adult being able to control their own actions.

 

Massari, I fear if you continue to try and control her actions and exposure to certain situations, you are going to lose her, because no one likes to be controlled and made to feel as thought they can't be trusted.

 

You say that after that incident, the relationship has been great. Can you trust in that? And her actions now?

 

Think of it this way, if she was going to cheat- no amount of controlling what she does and manipulating her environment is going to change that. Kind of puts a different spin on things. doesn't it?

[jazzgirrl]

Massari, I fear if you continue to try and control her actions and exposure to certain situations, you are going to lose her, because no one likes to be controlled and made to feel as thought they can't be trusted.

 

I agree with Hope75. If she doesn't resent you now, eventually she will. Resentment breeds hate. You don't want that, do you Massari?

[Iceman26]

As you know Massari, I have been following your posts for sometime.

 

I'll say it again. If you don't want to be with someone who puts themselves in situations your girlfriend puts herself in, then move on to someone who doesn't have an interest in the things your girlfriend likes to do (clubs, trips out of the country with her girlfriends, guys calling her, etc)

 

The way she is acting is fairly normal for someone who is 18. If you want to be with her, then you need to accept that she is going to want to go and try things she hasn't experienced before. If she doesn't it may cause problems for your relationship down the road.

 

When I was younger, I found myself in the same problems you find yourself in right now. I constantly found myself in an inner struggle wondering if I was wrong in not wanting the girls I dated to go to clubs.

 

I found that I was both right and wrong. It was wrong for me to expect them to not go to clubs because of me, and I was right because I should have broken up with them (because I am not cool with going to clubs period, but that is after years of experience with it, not insecurity) to be with someone who would have been cool with them going.

 

In the end, you need to make a decision. Either you are going to let her do what she wants to do, or you need to find someone who isn't so inclined to party with unscrupulous people.

[onewithbooks]

My opinion is your need to take some time off and re-evalute why you feel so insecure in yourself/relationship. I think your gf has been pretty tolerant so far. I once had a bf who said what you have said, and we didnt last a month. There was no way I was going to have someone tell me where it was acceptable to go and not to go. I am afraid that if you dont check this soon, your gf might get pretty sick of it, and you wont have to worry about taking time off because she will be done. I dont want to sound harsh or rude, but in today's day and age, women like to have their freedom even when they are in a relationship. Plus you have to remember that there is a pretty big age gap between the two of you. Four years is a lot when you are 18-22. You are just naturally in different places in your life, you have already experienced what she has not, and I am sure she wants to have experiences of her own.

[misspiggyfire]

Most young people like to go out and socialise. Me and my boyfriend go out with our mates clubbing all the time to see friends, have a drink, dance, have a laugh etc. Chill out!

[Jayar]

...she is planning to go to cancun mexico with 2 or her gfs for new years and I dunno how I am gonna deal with that. I try not to think about it.

 

Can I tell you something? If I am dating someone I am in love with completely, I could be on the Cancun-version of Temptation Island and I wouldn't cheat on him. When a girl is truly in love with a guy, it's like all other guys become completely sexless...

 

And if she isn't in love with you, cheats on you and hurts you, then SHE isn't worth YOUR love anyway. So it's not something you should be worrying so much about.

[n83]

I agree completely with Elektra...

you need to go back and view all your threads, because they ALL HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND POTENTIALLY CHEATING.

 

Frankly, your gf must somewhat get off on the drama, or else she wouldn't be with someone like you ... why are you so desperately insecure?!

[candy604]

GIRLS LOVE TO DANCE. it's girl thing, i guess it's hard to understand. Don't breka up with her just b/c she wants to go clubbing. that's immature! It's good to have a group of close friends besides her bf. If she isn't like her friend, there's no need to worry b/c she knows what is right and wrong. Let her go and just tell her to call you before she goes and when she gets home. Trust her!

 

Go hang with your buddies too!

[Massari]

this is not even about that dance anymore.. its about how much time she chose to spend with me and her friends which is equal. I mean normally wouldn't you want to spend more time with your significant other rather then your friernds.. like this week I felt like a single man I was out with the boys all the time.. playing poker and all and I am so sick of it. So they're gonna go to a restautrant instead of the club. I saw her this week on saturday.. then I saw her very short on tuesday and I'll see her today for a short time again. (for some reason she alwyas has to go home earlier when she is with me) and I won't see her again tomorrow cause AGAIN she is out with her girls. I want to ask you girls.. how much time do you need to spend with them so you will actually miss your bf. cause I am the only who has to make plans.. she never say anything.

[southerngirl]

If you are being very protective and controlling you could be pushing her away. If someone tried to tell me I couldnt do what I wanted.... I would do it even more and more just to spite them.

 

You can not control her man. It is healthy and normal for her to want to spend time with her friends. It would be unhealthy if she suddenly cut all of them off for some relationship. Where would she be then if you two broke up or you were to turn abusive or any of the other number of things.

 

Friends are like gold and its healthy for someone to treasure those friendships.

[Massari]

we're both sick of the fights and arguments.. I think our age difference and the expectations are causing all this..I am constantly mad at her.. and she is sick of it also. so we're gonna talk to tonight and see what happens.. non of us wants to break up but then "iceman" knows my story its not only this issue other stuff has happened that made me sick and mad to my stomach.

[Arch Angel]

If it were me, I would want to spend as much time with my bf as possible! We all have to give each other space but if a person is allowing friends to take up most of their time then it does became a problem.

 

If you can't trust her, the relationship will always suffer! If you want this to work the both of you have to come to some agreement about spending time together and ways to build trust. If she is doing something to burn your trust she has to be willing to do what it takes to rebuild it!

[Massari]

If it were me, I would want to spend as much time with my bf as possible! We all have to give each other space but if a person is allowing friends to take up most of their time then it does became a problem.

 

If you can't trust her, the relationship will always suffer! If you want this to work the both of you have to come to some agreement about spending time together and ways to build trust. If she is doing something to burn your trust she has to be willing to do what it takes to rebuild it!

 

ppl are afraid to breakup cause they are desperate, they think they'll be elone for a while. I DO NOT FEAR THAT. while I was with her a couple of girls ask me out they still ask me if I am single or not, i know I won't be single and alone. BUT I love her to death but the things she does dirves me insane. I never liked this friend thing that comes between us. I told her that in the beginning like the first a few days.. she knows what kind of person I am. but this week she spend most of the time with them.. even maybe tonight I won't see her and tomorrow I know she is going out and she us frustrated when I get mad and she tells me "so you don't want me to have friends,,sorry I can't do that" I want her to make some effort.. her sister has a bf the bf is travlling all the time for business purposes. she says couples are far apart for 3 months and when I don't see u for 3 days you get mad.. that is not the same though..she keeps using that example... and its not the same. not all couples travel.

[Smile_83]

I think it's just a phase, I knew several people who actually at one point in their relationship went through something similar to what you are describing. They started to hang out with their friends all of the sudden, but if it's a phase it will go away soon.

Going to a club with friends, I believe it's ok. The way I see it, is sometimes I like to go out without my BF because it's a girls night out. You have to brag about your significant other, and they can't be there when you're bragging about them. Sometimes it's nice to hang out with friends, just to miss the person you love. The way I see it is I want my BF to be a big part of my life, but I still need a life outside of the relationship. Why don't you try to hang out with your friends, not to get back at her or anything of that sort, but to have the relationship grow.

[Arch Angel]

Your right, most ppl join a relationship and want to spend time with each other, not be apart!

 

I totally agree, she should be making time for you and wanting to be with you!

 

Seriously, why do you think she would rather be with her friends then with you?

[laboheme]

I'm a little late in responding...but here's my two cents. I was in kind of a similar situation with my now ex-boyfriend...He got really upset with me for going to a club with a few friends. He knew very well that I wasn't going to get insanely drunk and that I wasn't going to hook up with any strangers...but he also knew that I wasn't being true to myself by going to the club, since I am NOT a clubbing person and basically allowed my friends to talk me into it. He was completely right, I ended up having NO fun whatsoever.

 

So, I don't want automatically say that somebody is controlling just because they don't want their significant other to do something. If she's going because of peer pressure, you've got a right to be concerned. But if it's something she herself wants to do, I agree with the other posters...

 

And as far as her spending time with you...have you ever talked to her about your ideas of a relationship? One of my friends thinks that having contact once a week is considered a relationship -- and in her eyes, seeing each other every day is basically marriage. Do you know exactly what your girlfriend thinks about that kind of thing?

[Hope75]

Massari,

 

I wonder if the reason she doesn't initiate plans with you is because you don't give her a chance to. You saw her three times this week... that's a decent amount of time to see your partner, especially if you don't live together, have work obligations, possibly school, and other social actitivities as well. Did you initiate all of those plans? Have you tried backing off for a week or two and seeing if she comes around? I wonder if she's just become so used to you running the show with making plans that it just doesn't cross her mind.

 

She spends equal time between you and her girlfriends... which I find pretty normal, especially for an 18 year old girl.

 

I think you may have been onto sometime when you said:

 

I think our age difference and the expectations are causing all this

 

I don't think that is ALL of the problem, but I think alot of the controlling behaviour and jealousy you have over her time with friends stems from this. She is not a girl who wants to spend 5-7 nights a week with you. If that is something you want or expect from a girl, she is not the girl. Part of loving someone is not trying to control or change them- but accepting who they are. If you find that impossible, perhaps this is not really love, or it's not a healthy kind, in the very least.

 

I do not find what she is doing so unusual or unreasonable, (wanting to go dancing with friends, spending equal time with them as with you), but I am not in the relationship. If YOU find it unreasonable, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate this relationship.

[Massari]

U are right on track.. her friend is brainwashing her about how she shouldn't listen to me and all and she should do what she want. this whole week she has been acting so differently and she told me her friend is being annoying and all. why is she listening to her? he friend has a bf who doesn't give a crap about her and I think she might be jealous kinda also. I care a great deal about my gf but if she is choosing her friend over me then I guess there is no point in staying in this relationship, how do I know if I am right or wrong here? and btw I saw her 2 days so far.. not 3.. saturday and tuesday. ...

[Hope75]

Her friend can't brainwash her. She is an adult capable of making her own choices.

 

If you are as unhappy in this relationship as you sound, perhaps ending this relationship is the best thing to do.

[candy604]

hrm...can she see both you and her friend on the same day? if you guys fight and argue, she probably wants to see you less b/c of it.

 

my bf and i see each other 2-3 times a week but it's b/c we've been going out for long time. But 2-3 times a week sounds normal if you have other plans and things to do. People do have their own lives!

 

Talk to her about where she wants to go with the relationship, what expectations does she have etc..

 

 

Good luck,

Keep us posted.