GF wants to go clubbing... I dun like it

[Massari]

my gf.. she is 18 she wants to go clubbing this saturday with her best friend. I never understand the idea.. why would 2 girls want to go to a F*** club other then wanting to get hooked up. or get drunk and making out with guys. ??? am I insane for thinking like this or can this actually be safe???? we have been together for 4 ,months almost and she hasn't gone clubbing ,, she wants to go this saturday cause its the end of summer and all. I am at the edge of breaking up with her. this whole week she spend time with her friends and only like one day with me.. she values them more then she value me.....

[AwdreeHpburn]

I am at the edge of breaking up with her.

 

WOW! Because she wants to go clubbing?? Yeh, um, making out with guys and getting hit on is almost always the OPPOSITE of why girls like to go clubbin'. Don't you know? Girls LOVE to dance!!

 

this whole week she spend time with her friends and only like one day with me.. she values them more then she value me.....

 

Oh, OK. That's sounds like a more reasonable complaint.

 

Have you ever told her how you feel? That you would like to spend more time with her? Careful not to take too much of her personal/friend time away or she could feel too smothered, but asking to see your girlfriend a bit more often is a nice and good thing.

 

But really dude, you've only been dating for 4 months! She's probably not even in full relationship mode yet. Give it time, give her some space and chill on the clubbin' thing. Trust her until she gives you a reason not to.

[southerngirl]

You would break up with her simply because she went out with her girlfriends?

 

You dont own her.

 

I have gone out to clubs/bars/ etc many times with girlfriends and never hooked up with any men. YOu need to ask yourself if she has done anything to deserve this mistrust.

 

Is it that you are insecure and its not her fault? If so you need to work on yourself or you will never be happy.

[Massari]

she wants go clubbinig without me.. like really WITHOUT me?? why is this?? I dun get it...? she doesn't want to dance with her BF but she rather dance with drunk guys at a club. she didn't say that... but when she is there thats all I can think about.. I dunno how to pass this..

[yeawutever]

So if she spends more time with her friends than with you, then you should inform her how you feel about it, state to her that you're feeling left out.

I just don't find it making sense that you're gonna break up with her b/c of her going to a club?? Also, going to clubs is not about making out with random people, it's about dancing and having fun, maybe a few drinks.

[Massari]

this whole time things were fine but this last week she is like this (her reasoning, I barely spend time with my friends and they are complaining) ... I think its BS>

[yeawutever]

Maybe she feels like she wants a least some time of her own. You knwo how it gets to be spending 7 days a week (everyday) with your partner, not very comfortable.

[southerngirl]

Maybe she wants to spend some quality girl time with her friends.

 

She probally should remain close to her girlfriends no matter what you say. They were there before you came along.

 

If you make a big deal out of this you are wrong. Why dont you call up your guy friends and go hang out with them?

 

You do not know that she will do anything to betray your trust. That is unfair to her.

[southerngirl]

this whole time things were fine but this last week she is like this (her reasoning, I barely spend time with my friends and they are complaining) ... I think its BS>

 

Maybe they are complaining. So you want her to give up her friends for you and you have been dating her for under 4 months? wow

[yeawutever]

Yea, everyone needs a little break you know. Why don't you hang out with your friends Massari??

[yeawutever]

Afterall it's just four months, not really enough you know.

[Massari]

ok the thing about me is I value my significant other alot. I hang out with my guys friends when she is not available or something. Like I never preferred hanging out with them instead of her .. like what she is doing now. that is my main issue maybe not even the clubbing.. but clubbing makes me sick.. I dun know how can I look at her after Saturday.. it disgusts me ( my gf drunk.. with out me her friends are slutty veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy you have no idea.. getting boob jobs and stuff.. sleeping around with tons of guys. she has only slept with one guy. me., thats why I am acting like this. I care about her alot.. i just dun want anything happen

[AwdreeHpburn]

she wants go clubbinig without me.. like really WITHOUT me?? why is this?? I dun get it...? she doesn't want to dance with her BF but she rather dance with drunk guys at a club. she didn't say that... but when she is there thats all I can think about.. I dunno how to pass this..

 

right, I think when relationships are new, esp at 18, girlfriends get jealous and are all like, "Wow, ever since you got your new bf, you like, never hang out with us anymore." Even if there is only ONE day in beteween seeing each other. I totally remember my friends doing that to me.

 

She's probably doing the "alone with the girls" thing to prove to them that they ARE still just as important to her as ever, even tho she has a bf.

 

Massari - I suggest patience. If you get too possessive, her girlfriends, who seem to have a big influence on her, will tell her that you're a control freak and she should dump you.

 

And most likely.....she will.

[Hope75]

It's important when you are in a relationship to continue to nourish your outside friendships and have other activities to do and not to make that person your everything. Think about how unhealthy it would be if she only went out with you all the time!

 

As for her wanting to go out with her friends, if I had a guess, I'd say she wants to go with her friends so they can catch up on their 'girl gossip' have some fun, and DANCE. I go out with my friends sometimes too to go dancing, without my boyfriend. I am deeply in love with him and committed to him and I certainly don't go to pick up other men... I just go to cut loose and have fun with my friends. Sometimes it's nice to act silly and not have to worry about what my bf thinks- it's my SSB-'secret single behaviour'. (see Sex & The City for further understanding ) What makes you think her agenda would be any different?

 

Has your girl given you a reason not to trust her?

[Massari]

 

Has your girl given you a reason not to trust her?

 

in the first week yes she did.. and 4 months into the relationship I get nightmares here is a summary,, this is my post on what happpened. its a little long sorry

"This is about my new Gf. Something happened and it flipped me out, and maybe I over reacted. She used to go out with this guy for short time. Now the guy calls her and they talk. Once I was actually with her and he called and I asked her who is this guy and why are you talking to him and all, she said he is just a friend so I tried to let it go. The other night he calls her at 3:00AM waking her up and ask her to come to his place so they can watch some TV. She says no. we just started going out and it has been 3 weeks. On Saturday I was invited to a friend's house with my sister for poker, some other ppl were also invited. I asked her to come with me. She said no cause she hasn't met my sister yet and it would be too much for her at once meeting her and my friends. So I understood and said ok its not problem. So when I am there she calls. "I have to tell you something, something bad happened but you have to know" the guy calls tells her there is a party at his place and she should come so she goes. The guy lied to her there were no ppl there only him. So they watching tv and he makes a move and kiss her. She pulls back and gets in a fight with him and she is never gonna talk to him again as she tells me. Now this is making me mad. I had a fight with her I yelled at her cause I knew this day would come. So anyhow I feel like I flipped out a bit too much over this. The fact that she doesn't wanted to kiss him and he was the one who made the move. She felt like an angel that she told me this happened and she was bragging about it "no other girl would tell their B/F this happened and you are mad at me, so stupid of me to say it to you I am never gonna tell you anything again not that its ever gonna happen again" now I forgave her she apologized and said sorry and I accepted that. I just can't trust her anymore and I am trying to be able to look at her again.. I haven't seen her since Saturday, we're going out tonight and we have spoken to each other a lot since that day. And I tried to forget it. Sometimes it makes me mad that his hands were over her and all.

 

I dunno what to do. I was about to break up with her and she was scared of that. I don't want to break up with her over this. But to me this could might as well be cheating..

 

I need help to figure out how to deal with this"

 

so yea this is what happened.. but now and then when I bring this up she gets mad at me she say "one stupid mistake I made and you keep bringing it up it won't happen ever again"

[Hope75]

ok the thing about me is I value my significant other alot. I hang out with my guys friends when she is not available or something. Like I never preferred hanging out with them instead of her .. like what she is doing now. that is my main issue maybe not even the clubbing.. but clubbing makes me sick.. I dun know how can I look at her after Saturday.. it disgusts me ( my gf drunk.. with out me her friends are slutty veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy you have no idea.. getting boob jobs and stuff.. sleeping around with tons of guys. she has only slept with one guy. me., thats why I am acting like this. I care about her alot.. i just dun want anything happen

 

But remember, she is NOT her girlfriends. She is with YOU for a reason- that is her choice. Do you not think she values and respect you because she chose you?

 

I don't think it means she does not value you if she does not hang out with others ONLY when you are not available. It's sooo important to maintain an identity separate from being "Massari's girlfriend", and for you to maintain you identity apart from her too. It puts too much pressure on each other to try and govern the relationship otherwise, and it becomes unhealthy.

 

For example, tonight is Friday night, I don't have school or work today. My bf is going to the baseball game with his best friend this afternoon- because it's fun, he needs to get out and have some guy time, and it isn't about me. So for myself, I'll grab dinner with a friend, and come home and do some studying. We've learned to value our time apart from each other too. It's healthy, and it's balanced. We trust one another, and we love and respect each other, and we know that it isn't always about US... we were people with other interests before we met, and we still are.

 

Do you see anything wrong with this situation?

[Massari]

hope did you read what I said about what happened in the beginning of our relastionship? your situation seems so normal for some reason..ours doesn't seem like that at all

[ElektraHere]

Massari,

 

I have followed your posts and I must say....you need to relax. You have no trust in your g/f. You think just because you are dating that you MUST spend all yor time with each other, you also talk about her friends as "easy" and "bad." You know what those friends were there before you and will be there after you too.

 

If you keep up this smothering and thinking she is going to do something wrong she just may. Ever hear of self fullfilling prophecies? You keep giving this energy you will lose her.

 

What are your thoughts on women and relationships? You view may need a little tweaking or you will continue to have these problems over and over again.

[Hope75]

Hey Massari,

 

I did read about the incident in the beginning of your relationship. It seems to me that yes, she made a bad decision by going over there and putting herself in the situation, but in her defense- he made a move on her and she rejected him and told you about it right away- because she wants to be with you.

 

Since then you mention that you've brought this up and she says that she made a mistake and you are still making her pay for it. She kind of has a point. If it is that upsetting to you and has ruined your trust in her, why are you still together?

 

Does she have contact with this person anymore?

 

It seems to me, if you want to be together in a healthy, respectful and loving relationship, there has to be trust. It's essential, a relationship will have diffculty surviving without it- and will certainly not be happy and healthy. If you feel you will not be able to forgive her for this and get past it- do you really think being with her and constantly being suspicious and worried what she will do is a good idea?

[Massari]

I regret for not breaking up with her then...cause i didn't have any strong feeling for her then but now I do and its hard for me not to be with her.. I do love her....i can't breakup with her..

[AwdreeHpburn]

dude, I think the issues are yours. You may really have some legitimate concerns as her behaviour may have warranted some concern, but your response to your concern is not....um.....

 

...Normal? Cool with me? Granted, I am not in a relationship with you, but it sounds to me like you do have some control issues and you need to address them. But the first step is taking a look at how real they are and that you do indeed have them.

[onewithbooks]

If youre going to do it, do it now, it will be easier to do it now than six months from now, when you have been dating a year

[Hope75]

I regret for not breaking up with her then...cause i didn't have any strong feeling for her then but now I do and its hard for me not to be with her.. I do love her....i can't breakup with her..

 

OK. So you admit that you don't want to break it off. But is seems as though things can't continue the way that they are. So... something has to change. I don't think the reasonable answer is that she cannot go clubbing with friends or spend time with them when you are available. Relationships cannot function full of controlling behaviour and insecurity.

 

It seems the next logical step is to decide if trust can be re established, and how that can happen.

 

Any ideas?

[Jayar]

I honestly think you need to take a break from dating completely. You need to work on yourself and your own issues (because you have some HUGE ones) and get to the point you realize you are worth a girl who is faithful to you, and realize you are worth being faithful to.

 

You need to get over this insane jealousy because let me tell you ANY girl that is worth being with won't tolerate this kind of crap. And if you're not careful it's going to escalate and you may accidentally hurt someone and be jailed for a very long time.

[Massari]

I am talking to her now.. this is an exact quote "if it means saving our relatioship then i wont go to the club" somehow this is not how I want things to be. I dun want her not to go there cause I say so. u know what I mean??