Your thoughts

[NormalGirl2]

I read with interest your forum and was wondering if anyone would be kind enough to provide advice and/or input on my personal situation.

 

Background info:

 

I'm 43 and divorced for 3 years - no kids - had been married for 15 years.

 

He's 46 separated for 4 years - 3 girls who live with his ex - he has visitation every 2nd weekend - they had been together for 23 years. He rents a room from a male friend of his.

 

In May 2005 I was introduced to a man by my neighbours. I needed some painting done around my house and they suggested him. He works with my neighbour in construction . Between May and September 2005 he did a lot of handyman work at my house and we would chit chat - we really hit it off. Last time I saw him in September of 2005 he was supposed to come back to do more work but I never heard from him again.

 

Fast forward to February 2006. I needed some work done in the house once again and asked my neighbour if he knew of anyone else who did handyman work. He immediately gets on the 2-way radio and calls this guy who agrees to come the next night. He comes over does the work, we have a nice chit chat - just as if we'd seen each other yesterday. As he's leaving he tells me if I need anything else to give him a call. I tell him I don't have his number because before he told me to contact him through my neighbour before. This time gives me his number and says be sure to write his name beside it so I don't forget. He leaves. I give him a call the next week to do something else in the house and he comes by again on March 10th and completes what I need done. I also had numerous other things I wanted done and he agreed to take care of it. During April and May he spent alot of time at my house doing these things and we'd talk (we have fabulous conversations), a couple of times I made him dinner or lunch because he hadn't had time to eat . In May we seemed to become quite close and he was being flirty, constant eye contact (not in a creepy way), looking me up and down, etc. Anyways, I heard from my neighbours wife that he was interested in me but was too shy to ask me out. So I asked him if he'd like to go out for pizza with me and he suggested May 20th. We went out had a great time and he came back to my house and stayed until about 1 a.m. and we talked about everything and anything. He left. Nothing happened, no hand holding, no kiss - nada. I call him after he leaves and ask him what this is - because he seemed interested, but... he says he is interested but would like to be friends to start and take it slow and easy - I'm in complete agreement because we've both come out of bad relationships and this is our first venture into the dating world. I paid for the pizza (because I did the inviting), he tried to pay for at least part but I told him if he had a good time and wanted to go out again then he could do the inviting and pay - he immediately suggests going for burgers next time at someplace he heard was great. May 25th comes over to finish up some things in the house and leaves. I don't hear from him so give him a call on June 8th to see if he'd like to come over to watch a movie and maybe order some food. He immediately agrees and suggests June 17th and says he'll give me a shout the Thursday before to confirm. Don't hear from him so I call him on Friday the 16 to see if he's still coming, he says yes for sure he's coming and should be over around 8 p.m. Shows up around 8 we watch the movie but don't get food because he's not hungry because he'd just come from his mothers birthday party. We watch the movie and again he stays until after 1 a.m., leaves - nothing again. He suggests next time maybe we can go to a movie. Hear nothing from him again so give him a call on July 11th - he's at work - we chit chat for a few and 5 times he asks if it would be alright for him to call me at home tonite (like a permission thing) - I say that'd be great. He never calls. The next Wednesday, July 19th he calls - like nothing ever happened - and asks if I'd be willing to go to a movie with him Friday night July 21st. I agree. We end up going for dinner instead because he had to work later - he insists on paying because I paid last time. We have a great time comes back to my place again after this and stays late. When he's leaving he suggests Mexican next time and tells me he'll be working close to where I live for the next week so maybe I could come meet him for a coffee on my lunch. I agree. I call him on July 27th to suggest bringing him a coffee on my lunch, but he's busy and can't take a break so suggests we go out the Friday nite to a movie this being July 28th. July 28th comes and he calls around 6:45 and tells me has to work late and can't make it, but suggests maybe Sunday July 30th. We are now August 28th and I haven't heard from him directly since. I do know that he has been working 12 to 18 hour days - heard this from my neighbour. I also know from my neighbour that he - considers what we are doing dating and he apparently cares alot about me.

 

I'm extremely confused about this situation. It seems that we only talk and see each other once a month or longer. I'm kind of tired of being the one who usually calls.

 

I guess what I don't understand is why the guy keeps suggesting subsequent activities after each outing if he wasn't interested. I understand "slow and easy", but this seems absolutely ridiculous. I really like this guy, but.

 

I'd really appreciate your take on this situation as I'm about ready to throw in the towel.

 

Thanks in advance.

[OceanEyes]

Hmmm ... I see a few possibilities here:

 

1. He's seeing someone else but hasn't told you (sorry if this is presumptuous - but when you only see someone once a month, and you're always doing the calling, you really have to wonder why).

 

2. He had a terrible divorce and is, well to be frank, scared of anything serious at the moment. When a person is in *that* state of mind, it's very unlikely that they will be open to a new relationship. They just won't let themselves.

 

3. Your neighbour: male or female? I think that it may be a bit of a bad idea to continue listening to your neighbour. The only reason I say this, is because what he/ she is telling you doesn't seem to add up to the subsequent behaviour.

 

I'm not an expert on the behaviour of recently divorced middle-aged men, but it doesn't sound like he's trying that hard to spend time with you (isn't that what a person does who really wants to?).

 

All I'm saying is that it might be a bad idea to keep waiting around for this man (although I'm sure you do care for him).

 

I'd start dating someone else. Really. There are obviously no significant or spoken commitments between you and the current man. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't even seem to exist except for once a month.

[Batya33]

Doesn't sound like slow and easy -sounds more like unreliability and mediocre interest on his side. Sounds like you have done more of the initiating and been more reliable than he has so he is now accustomed to you being available whenever he happens to call without any repercussions from you for (once again) not following through on his promise to call. I don't let friends treat me like that (i.e. not call with no explanation and expect me to be free when they get around to it) and thereforeeee I wouldn't let someone I might want to be intimate with treat me like that.

 

Here is what I would do. First of all, don't play games; rather, be busy with plans either with yourself (as in a plan to read a great book/work out/garden - take yourself out to dinner) or others so that when he calls the next time you say "wow - great to hear from you - would love to get together but I am busy this weekend - perhaps another time?" See what he says.

 

In my humble opinion, it was a mistake to invite him over to hang out - to me that shows a man too much neediness and might be interpreted as you wanting to be sexual (even though he was a gentleman, do you want to give that impression?). I also wouldn't do the girlfriend/wifey thing with bringing him coffee because again you are making yourself available to someone who is not reciprocating and has not given you that status in his life. Let him come to you.

[hosswhispra]

Don't waste your time on this guy. He's passive in any sort of interest towards you.

 

His interest is what I call "passive-receptive" interest. Meaning if he's got any interest in you, it's luke warm at best.

 

A guy that has active interest in you will treat you differently than this guy. He'll make the effort to initiate a date, call you, etc...because he's actively interested in YOU. Those are the best guys...the one's that take an active interest....not some wishy-washy lukewarm interest. You deserve better than luke-warm.

[hosswhispra]

I also wouldn't do the girlfriend/wifey thing with bringing him coffee because again you are making yourself available to someone who is not reciprocating and has not given you that status in his life. Let him come to you.

 

Bayta33 always hits the nail on the head.

[chai714]

Hi NormalGirl and welcome to eNotalone.

 

Since you two have good conversations, it doesn't appear as if he's shy.

 

I think the reason he hasn't made a move on you could be one of the following possibilities:

 

1) Fear. He may just fear making a move on you because of rejection. Are you sending the right body language signals? While watching a movie at your place, are you two in close proximity? If not, you should set it up right so that either you can make a move or he can. Looks like it won't be him though, so who does that leave it up to?

 

2) He considers you a friend only. This may be the case, although if what your neighbor is telling you is reliable information then it's not.

 

Also, quit waiting for him to call. Call him, leave a message ONCE. One message.

 

Otherwise, not much else you can do. Remember, nobody is too busy to date so don't make any excuses for him.

[NormalGirl2]

OMG thank you all so very much for the quick responses.

 

I've pretty much been thinking what everyone of you has stated. Gut feeling you know.

 

chai714: You are right on the good conversations. The reason I wonder if he's shy is because whenever he goes to leave he acts as if he doesn't know what to do - behaves very awkward and hesitant - takes him 10 minutes to get out the door, down the driveway and to his car. Fear could be. The friends part I think is true for now, only because he said he wanted "friends first, take it slow and easy". Actually I hadn't planned to call him again myself. He doesn't have voicemail so the leaving a message part is out. He's on his work cell phone at all times because he only rents a room. Although it's been over 5 weeks, I know he will definitely call again because he always does. I so agree with the "nobody is too busy to date". Thanks for the great insight.

 

Batya33: I also don't call what's been happening "slow and easy" I call it dead. I figure I'll be 80 before this goes anywhere. I figured the next time I would for sure be busy and see what he has to say. I'm a bit unclear about the inviting him over to hang out though, was that when I asked him for the movie? You're for sure right though - I will be letting him come to me from now on.

 

hosswhispra: yes that's for sure what I want for once is somebody that takes an active interest. I should be smarter since my divorce, but I'm thinking I'm not doing too good.

 

OceanEyes: I also would have thought he was seeing somebody else - but for sure he isn't. Actually I'm the first he's agreed to go out with since his split from his wife. All the guys at work have been trying to set him up for the past 4 years and he always said no. My neighbours are a husband and wife - so male and female. They've known this guy as long as they've know me - 10+ years. I agree what they're telling me doesn't add up. I think they just want it to work out so bad. I do think you're also right on the scared thing. He's actually told me that before. I also think he still has alot of anger and resentment from the split with his wife.

 

Thanks again everybody for all your insight, keep it coming! I've thought this has raised red flags from the beginning, but all my friends keep telling me I'm crazy and this is a great guy and he's just scared and wants to take things slow.