who do i choose?

[naija]

I know i'm a terrible person, its not really my fault. i just can't help it.

i'm dating four women at the same time and i'm not proud of myself. I just turned 30 and it occurred to me that i shouldn't continue like this, i need to get mariied, start a family and build a home. From the part of the world where i come from, there's nothing more respectful than having these things i just mentioned.

I had always been a faithful guy until i was cheated on by a girl i loved with all my heart, it ruined me, i was never the same person. Since then (2002) i've had tons of girls, uncountable one night stands and so on.

Presently i find myself taking 4 women very seriously, i respect them for different reasons, like spending time with them yet i am unable to say categorically that i am in love with any of them, in fact i haven't been able to love since i got cheated on 2002. I have successfully been able to keep all four without them knowing each other. I know i need to choose one of them and let go off the others, but i don't know who to choose, and i'm so scared of hurting the rest. i know i need to make my decision and i'm counting on you guys to advice me.

Let me just introduce my girls to you (names changed of course)

 

brenda is 28

i rate her 4 out of 10 in beauty, shes a medical doctor, we've been dating for over two years and she's so desperate to get married. she's the one my parents know and all my friends too. she claims she's really in love with me, but we usually have issues. she knows i don't feel very much for her. i feel she's too old for me, i feel just wants to get married and doesn't love me as much as she claims. sex is o.k. but i think she fakes it a lot, she has told me once before that she doesn.t have orgasms. it kinda makes me feel like i'm not a man. we have just a couple of things in common. And i dont think her mom likes me much (different religious backgrounds)

 

dorothy is 25 and beautiful, i rate her 7 out 10 in beauty, and the kind of girl you want to be seen hanging with. she just got a job in a bank. She's extremely religious, always in church, wont have sex before marriage; claims she really likes me. though i thinks she's a by-the-book person which sorts of makes the whole thing boring. Thats enuf to scare me away from her.

 

Hope

27 has greatest sense of humor among all. rate 4 out of 10 in beauty, she's quite voluptous and attractive. She's really fun to be with so i've been with her for a year plus. I think we flow very well. Recently she complained she doesn't think we're connecting and really wants to know why. i think she's getting desperate too. she wants to know where we're heading. I'm scared i might hurt her. Sex is o.k. She's quite intelligent. I love that in a woman. I know i dont get bored when i spend time with her. By the way, she's my colleague.

 

arian

we just met like a month ago, she's 23 and quite pretty. she's very babyish and fun to be with. she's in law school and i think i'm simply still excited about meeting her. We seem to spend long hours on phone and if i do get caught by any of the others, i'm sure it's her i'll be caught with. I think she's great in bed but she seems to believe i'm dating her for sex. Well, maybe it started like that, but now i'm really seeing her differently. i give her 5 out ot 10 beauty. she's also fun to be with. She's a bit plump and an extremely cheerful person.

 

 

Now, i dont want to be criticised yet, i already got myself into this. What i really need is to make my decision fast and get out of this. I also need to know why it's so difficult for me to fall in love. I need help.... i don't want to go on like this.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Do they know about each other? If I were them, I would *not* want to be with someone who could casually cheat on me without worrying, and then judging women like someone at a cattle show. It makes you sound incredibly shallow, to be honest.

 

You mention the importance of respect, but the way you talk about these women is the very opposite of respectful. If you want to play the field, that's fine, be open and honest about it. Your danger is that you will make a 'choice' out of these four women, and they will find out how you have behaved and dump you without a second thought. Maybe you need to spend time exploring why you are behaving like this?

[i love grapes]

Yeah, you need to get this sorted out before the whole thing blows up in your face! I don't know how you can keep it all straight anyways - you must be a very busy person. The names alone would kill me, these women must all be a little naaive. Anyway, I'm not going to lambast you for not playing fair with these girls - others here will likely do that and I think you are understanding that what you are doing is right.

 

As for your choice: I say "none of the above". I say keep looking. It doesn't sound like you are really in love with any of them (if you were then you wouldn't be seeing the others). In the future just date the women, try to avoid sleeping with them until you want to be exclusive. (Unless they agree otherwise and are OK with it) It just keeps things simpler and better for your karma.

 

Maybe you can't make a decision because your free mental space is filled up with desparetely trying to juggle all this action.

 

Deal with this sooner rather than later.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

I am surprised you are saying that the 28 year old (Brenda) is too old for you! You are 30!

 

To be honest, i agree with honey_pumpkin, the way you are talking about these women, you don't seem to respect any of them.

 

I know i'm a terrible person, its not really my fault. i just can't help it.

 

You always have a choice. You can always correct your behavior, and strive to be better. don't hide behind excuses.

 

I think you should let the all go, and find someone who is a better match for you. I also agree with honey_pumpkin, I think maybe you should take some time off from dating and decide what it is that you really want and value from a wife/life partner.

 

PS - do any of these women know about each other??? that you are dating them all at the same time?

[rikka]

I am going to agree with Honey_Pumpkin and Annie24 here, this is not a good situation. You clearly demonstrate a lack of respect for the women you are involved with. You apparently do not care for any of them, so why would you want to marry one of them? Spare these women and leave them all. Figure out what you want before you start toying with people.

[RayKay]

What do you mean it's not your fault? You have a choice over your actions, and your future. You DO have a choice.

 

It's one thing to date openly and when everyone knows you are dating other women. It's another to date for months and years leading them on to believe they are the only ones. I feel sorry for all these women because of that, it does not seem you respect ANY of them.

 

I pick option 5 - you break it off with all of them, and let them find people whom they deserve and whom won't be here posting about how to "choose" between them. Then take some time to figure out whom YOU really are and heal yourself, and then find the woman whom you don't feel you are "settling for". But first you have to figure out what you are really looking for, because right now you don't even really know....you just know you have all these options and don't really have to committ to any of them.

[hazlcha]

I appreciate your dilemma. It is a frightening thing to make such a choice - what if the choice is a bad one? I know the desire to escape responsibility in any one relationship by having another at the same time.

 

You know that this is unhealthy, and your self awareness is deserving of recognition. Knowing the problem is the most important step in finding a solution. You know that what you are doing now would be terribly hurtful to your girlfriends should they find out.

 

What you might be overlooking is the great danger you have put yourself in. You do not want four angry women sharing their story with their friends. It could come to a stage where if you want to date any more, you'll have to leave town. So I'd say that you need to make a call and FAST.

 

I disagree with the opinion that you should release all of them. Why, if there's one that's special? Special can evolve too. If I had to choose, based on what you said about them, Dorothy might win. She is attractive to you, and I think her religious aspect can do you a world of good. She seems spiritually grounded in a way that you can learn from. That's my opinion anyway.

 

You have to make your own choice, listen to your own conscience. I'd suggest -as an exercise- writing a letter of "thanks for being there, but.." for each woman. DON'T send them, you are writing it for yourself, to get you moving forward towards making a decision. Write them, throw those letters away, and do the real right thing that you need to do yesterday.

 

Good luck and good love.

[naija]

Thanks all,

i guess i'm caught in between 'not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings' and this mild tinge of hope that 'i might eventually fall in love with one of them'.

i realise its quite a difficult thing for me to tell anyone "i'm not down anymore."

this eventually led me to pile them up. It's now a big problem. Funny thing is none of them know about each other and its very very difficult trying to juggle time with all of them. I've actually had enough of the lies, fake trips, bogus schedules, and all the "i'm working late", in fact the cost alone is killing.

 

Problem now is how do i ever break-up? I won't even have an excuse to, and telling the truth is out of the question. I'd rather breakup and remain friends than make life-long enemies.

 

And if i decide to break with everyone, will i finally find someone i love? Its been so long and i dont seem to understand how it works anymore. See, if i meet someone totally new, we start dating, how do i know it'll end up in love? And if it doesn't, that means we end up breaking up and i have a problem with breaking-up. I realise i can continue to date over and over without ever falling in love.

 

Hazlcha, thanks for your advice and for mentioning Dorothy. Dorothy seems to have a religious interpretation for every action, and that bothers me. It sorts of negates some ideals i have about life in general. She doesn't waive or bend. This leaves me asking myself if we can ever go far. And who knows, maybe thats what i really need, considering the kind of person i am.

 

I agree i'm a little shallow, which is most definitely not what i want to be. It's just hard to find love, the way i want it to be.

[monkey1]

You never know who you will end up with. I think the problem is you haven't been able to completely throw yourself into a relationship. Dating several people at the same time, especially for years, doesn't mean you're giving yourself 100% to the girl and the relationship. That's why it's best to date one person at a time.

 

You can go on a couple dates with girls at the same time, no problem with that. But don't pursue them all at the same time. It's a good way to just figure out who you have the most chemistry with. Then you can remain friends with the others if you choose.

 

You risk breaking up when you get into a relationship. That's the worse that could happen. But people do that everyday, getting into a new relationship hoping it's the one.

 

I'm sure you'll find someone else to love and be in love with, but the way you're going about it isn't the best way to deal with. Someone cheating on you is difficult, but dating constantly, especially several women won't make you happy, at least that what it looks like.

 

I'd break up with them. It's not fair to string them along and I'd feel guilty anyway if I picked one and know that I was never fully in the relationship because the whole time we were together I was dating other women.

 

I'd break up, take some time off from dating to figure out what you want. then venture off again into the dating world with a better idea on how to date and have a relationship.

[jsx730]

I'll have to agree with most of the above posters. Break up with them all. And then do this neat thing called breathing. I have my hands full pleasing one woman, let alone FOUR! I'd be exhausted after a day of all that.

 

Quite honestly, if it's long lasting love your looking for, I think it's safe to say none of these woman are what you want. I'd have to say that if you can't see yourself staying with someone after a month or two of dating, it's a safe bet that they aren't "The One".

 

EDIT: Careful with Hope! Dating coworkers just makes for a messy situation!!

[naija]

I've decided i'll start breaking up with them one by one. i should start with hope. I regard her as the most matured. Hopefully, she'll take it in good faith. She's quite a very friendly person. I'm not just sure if she'll still be as friendly after we break-up. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks people, I knew it would eventually come to this, i think i just really needed to be psyched up, and u guys are doing just that.

 

You really think one or two months is ok to know if someone's 'the one'?

[finewhine]

I don't know how long it takes to figure out if someone is "the one." You've been taking such a drastically different approach to dainting that it may take you a little longer. But whatever, you'll be fine. Just do what makes you happy while being fair to those in your wake. Dig?

[candy604]

i think you need to work on yourself first before you can get into a relationship. You said you were hurt about the last relationship when your gf cheated on you and it looks like you haven't recovered ( now ur dating 4 girls and making up lies etc..) it's unhealthy for you and unfair for them. I don't know how you do it.

 

I think just drop them all and start fresh. If your having thoughts who to choose probably no one is right for you in ur batch. You know when you want to be with a woman. everything will just click.

[Momene]

Arian sounds like the one you're most connected with and with the realtionship being only a month old, has time to mature and get better. As for the others, dump them and concentrate on her.