Cheating boyfriend... caught... What now?

[greeneyes85]

Just some background on my relationship. I'll keep it very short: Long distance relationship since the summer of 2003. I met my bf on vacation. We have been togther 3 years and we see eachother as much as possible. We're both college students so sometimes it's hard to find the time and money but we try. The first 2 years, we would literally talk on the phone until sunrise every night. This past year, good communication. Last time I saw him was 3 months ago. We talk daily.

 

These past 2 months have been odd. He's been so distant. I KNOW people need space but this isn't about space. Does not call me back when he says he will. I would call him at night and he wouldnt answer. Wouldnt call me back until MAYBE the next day. When he did call, it would be a brief call. Knowing him so well, knowing his patterns, I knew he was making time for someone else. On top of that, he has myspace (he doesnt know that I know he has it.) His profile is empty, pictureless, friendless but he logs in daily I see that so he obviously has private message conversations about god knows what.

 

Anyhow, yesterday I get a txt message from him. He ACCIDENTLY text messaged my phone. The message said "unreal im talking to a girl from myspace and she works at Olgas!" That text message was supposed to be for his male friend, not me. It was a fluke on his side but I am glad I got it. messaged him back with "unreal how many other girls are you talking to?" and he does not reply back. 20 minutes later he replies to that message totally off topic telling me to rent this movie he wants me to watch. So I call him and ask him to explain. He tells me there is a girl who he talked to online that works in the mall he works at. Of course we argue. I told him it sounds like he looks up girls in his city to talk to on myspace. To make a long story short, his reason for this is "well... you live over there, and I'm all the way over here........................... raging hormones". So I ask if he;s slept with anyone since we have been together and he calmly says no. Why can he make time to talk to other girls online but not make time for me anymore? I even tell him I've noticed him not calling me much and how he makes no time for me and he chokes. Spits out some nonsense and ends it with ".. uh but I do. we just dont have a lot to talk about sometimes". That's not true at all but I guess he had no other answer.

 

I don't know what to do or think. I've been a wreck since yesterday. I know he's talking to other girls for a fact. Because he justified it with his "raging hormones" I think its safe to say he sleeps around from time to time but I don't have proof of that. I'm confused if he really wants to be with me. He still calls me and says he loves me and pretends like everything is ok and its not with me. That whole "but you live over there..." line makes me think he's doubting if he wants to be with me. I don't know what to think. Especially since we were supposed to get engaged after I graduate very soon Can anyone dawn some light over my way? Opinions? Thoughts? Anything please.

[rose2summer]

Raging hormones = he's slept with someone else or has been tempted to

The hormone he is discussing is testosterone, a sex hormone.

 

But you live over there = since you are far away I can have another woman where I live whilst maintaining a relationship with you. You surely don't expect me to be celibate when you are away?

 

Walk away sister.

 

This guy is bad news,

 

Besides, he hasn't treasured you or treated you as someone who would love you would,

 

You deserve better.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

yup, you caught him red-handed.

 

so... now what? what do you want? do you want to work things out with him, or do you want to part ways?

 

Ok, so if he has raging hormones and is lonely, why doesn't he channel that energy into seeing you or calling you? why would the best way to fix your relationship be for him to be talking to other women?

 

I think, me personally, i would walk away from him. if he wants to chat with the other women, let him.

 

but... it is your choice. You can sit and think about it, you know. don't have to make a decision right away.

 

good luck

[doyathink]

yep, I agree with the others on this one! Same excuse used by so many...I'm horny...I have hormones...I 'need' sex! In reality, he need to learn what 'commitment' means! SELF CONTROL!

 

Feel lucky you found this out BEFORE you married him...

[Tigris]

Find yourself a new boyfriend. Someone that will treat you better and respects you.

 

Good luck and take care.

[greeneyes85]

I sincerly appreciate all of the responses so far. Do keep them coming because I'm interested in hearing more. You all are right so far. My brain actually says to let him go but my heart says to stick with him. I just don't want to be alone and I do love him despite his cheating. He's my first boyfriend (by choice) mainly because I hve a hard time getting close to people (guys especially(... fear of abandonment issues... *sigh* I feel another breakdown coming my way so I'm getting offline for now. Especially since i cant stop looking at our pictures together.. ..

[yeawutever]

"Cuz I have raging hormones", LOL, that's a good one, LOL. In other words he already answered that he's been sleeping around or if not, then he wanted to. Either way, sleep or not, he's a total waste of trash, time to stray salt on him and go throw him where he belongs, to the curb.

[monkey1]

Did you talk about what he did? How it made you feel? I mean yes, having raging hormones is a pathetic excuse to be talking to other women. And I'd imagine if he slept with another person, well that would just be even more difficult.

 

It's hard when it's a LDR to sometimes trust that your partner won't cheat. I think being paranoid is always higher in LDR than if it a face to face relationship. Either way, no matter what kind of relationship, there's always the chance someone can/will cheat given the right situation. Doesn't mean they WILL, but you know, sometimes people surprise you.

 

I'd say stop looking at pictures of him and you together. It only will make you feel worse.

 

I'd just want to know what he's doing or going to do to make you feel secure or better THAT IS if he wants to continue with the relationship. How far apart are you?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I just came out from a LDR, if you read my story.

Anyway, love is blind. We love them so much until we could forgive whatever wrong they did to us. And we wouldn't let go so easily.

You have to experience it yourself to try to fix things before you could truly let go.

 

I did scared of being single after the break up. But look at this way, even if both of you are together, could you accept him to constantly cheating on you or constantly ignore your feelings?

 

I asked myself, is this the life I want to live? I don't know what will be your answer, but to me, it is definitely no.

 

I am single now. I am not rushing to date anyone. This is because I need to learn to judge people and I don't want to simply jump into another relationship that wouldn't make me happy.

 

I teared all the wash out photos we took together, but I kept the digital image photo inside a CD which I put inside my store room. I even return all his gifts.

 

Single is not bad at all. You no need to wait for him to get online. You no need to worry when he does not reply your text message. You no need to think of what to buy him for his birthday. You no need to answer to him what you did today. You no need to work out to find a way to close the long distance gap. This save up a lot of money and hard work, if the relationship is accross continents.

[hotsands]

I know it must hurt, but why don't you "accidentally" text his phone something like, "Ohhh god (insert another man's name here) you were so good last night and so much bigger than (insert his name here)!"

[skyjuice]

I know it must hurt, but why don't you "accidentally" text his phone something like, "Ohhh god (insert another man's name here) you were so good last night and so much bigger than (insert his name here)!"

 

Haha..very funny but that would not solve the problem.

[hotsands]

Well, he'd get his! lol

[greeneyes85]

Thanks you guys...

 

Monkey, to answer your question we are less than 6 hours away from eachother. Yes I told him how I felt and we had that talk but it but not as much as I wanted to. He kept saying "lets not talk about this" and when I'd laugh at his apology he'd say he wants to get off the phone because I'm " [removed by mod]ing pissing him off" because I wont listen to his apology or take it seriously. And I WONT take it seriously until he tells me more details about [removed by mod] he's doing online. i want details.

 

His [removed by mod] is STILL logging into his myspace account. Last login 8/25! Which was before he went to bed very late last night. Of course he didn;'t call me back. He got online to talk to his [removed by mod]. ANy computer whizes out there that know how to retrieve a myspace password?? I am so desperate. I've tried logging into his account with passwords he might use but to no avail. If I'm gonna leave him I want to know everything and more details about the girls and what he does with them. I want real proof and his myspace account is the only thing that can give me what I want.

 

Thank you guest for your reply. Good advice. Maybe one day I'll wake up with sense and take it.

 

thanks for the laugh hotpants. That reminds me... I used to have naked pictures of him that he sent me for losing bets we made on online games we'd play. I wish I saved them. If I broke up with him I would email those pictures to his family and friends ( i do have some of their emails.)

 

I dunno. Like I said, I just need to talk to him today and get straight answers before I take any action. Last night he called me at midnight telling me he's driving to his "cousins house". He throws out an "oh [removed by mod ] can I call you back in 2 minutes?" then he never calls back. he txt msgs me 7 minutes later telling me he arrived ... I wonder why he didnt call back..

[annie24]

please refrain from swearing in your posts.

 

you don't need to hack into his account, it sounds like you know he is going behind your back, talking to other girls, so why torture yourself by finding out who he is talking to? meh, just leave him and move on.

 

Seriously though, why send naked photos to his friends and family? it's just immature. it will be a worse reflection on you than on him. I hope that was just something you were thinking of out of anger, not to actually go through with it.

[SarahRose]

I know it must hurt, but why don't you "accidentally" text his phone something like, "Ohhh god (insert another man's name here) you were so good last night and so much bigger than (insert his name here)!"

 

LOL oh I would! See how he likes them apples and she can say it was just her "raging hormones". Surely he will understand that!

[greeneyes85]

please refrain from swearing in your posts.

 

you don't need to hack into his account, it sounds like you know he is going behind your back, talking to other girls, so why torture yourself by finding out who he is talking to? meh, just leave him and move on.

 

Seriously though, why send naked photos to his friends and family? it's just immature. it will be a worse reflection on you than on him. I hope that was just something you were thinking of out of anger, not to actually go through with it.

 

Sorry, I'll keep it clean from now on...

 

I actually do need to get in his account somehow. I need answers. I need closure and in order for me to move on I need my questions answered. I can't just keep assuming even though my assumptions always end up true. I want something solid to push me to leave him. That txt message I received has given me a slight push but I need to know more things he's done before I walk away from a serious 3 year relationship.

[monkey1]

I'd ask him seriously if he wants to be in the relationshp. How bad does he WANT a relationship with you. If he does want one, badly, then he's got to straighten up like pronto and stop talking to girls.

 

It takes a lot, and I mean a LOT to trust someone in a relationship when they do something like this, especially when it's LD because its' not like you're there to keep them from doing things.

 

And I can see how hard it would be to let go after 3 years. I'm not sure at the moment if my boyfriend wants to let go of our 4 year LDR, but fortunatly, we don't have the problem or situation you have going on.

 

If he's not going to give you answers, well then, to me that's your answer. I can see how bad you want to get into his accounts and find out what exactly he's doing, but if he's not going to tell you, well that should tell you he doesn't want to fess up to what he's doing behind your back. I'd just try again to have a conversation about him and really stress how upset and hurt you are. I understand how easy it is to go straight to anger and accusing him on cheating, but if you're calm, and stress how uneasy you feel about the fact that he may be cheating makes you rethink the relationship and him because honesty and trust go hand in hand.

[annie24]

I agree with monkey 100%! It is all about trust and what you guys want. Let me put it to you this way - even if you break into his account, you may not find the proof. First, there could be very innocent messages in there, and second, some people delete all their messages right away, so you wouldn't find anything there. Thridly, even if you don't find anything, it doesn't mean he's not cheating.

 

That's where the trust and communication come in. If you are in a LDR, you really need to be on the same wavelength. Ask him if he wants to stay in this relationship with you.

 

If he's not going to give you answers, well then, to me that's your answer. I can see how bad you want to get into his accounts and find out what exactly he's doing, but if he's not going to tell you, well that should tell you he doesn't want to fess up to what he's doing behind your back. I'd just try again to have a conversation about him and really stress how upset and hurt you are. I understand how easy it is to go straight to anger and accusing him on cheating, but if you're calm, and stress how uneasy you feel about the fact that he may be cheating makes you rethink the relationship and him because honesty and trust go hand in hand.

 

I strongly agree with this.

[2ndplace]

GIRL...

 

DUMP his BUM!

 

Whatever you do, don't get married!!! If he is like this now that you are just

 

"dating"... then imagine if you to were to tie the knot, and how he will miss the good ol' raging hormone days with his other gals.

 

Raging hormones aren't an excuss. A guy could still respect his girlfriend when she's away. And if he finds this relationship to be a problem, then maybe you should dispose of him, even though he tries to butter you up with his talk. Marring him would be a mistake. Who is to say he wont get sick of the married life? He might cheat on you with another woman... or worse, you can end up with kids and have them being fathered by such a "MAN". Don't, just forget about him and find yourself a man that will respect you and only see you. There are such men out there... you will be surprised... I know I was.

[langford]

You can walk away from this with some level of dignity if you want too.

 

I suspect he didnt want to talk because of your understandable anger at him,perhaps it you try and talk about it rationally communication will be less difficult and you'll get your answers.I know it's extremely hard to be rational when you feel you've been lied too.

 

Do you really want to know who he was talking to??

 

What would it change?? Your doubts about him are very obvious,do you want a relationship based on doubts?

 

Do you know if perhaps it was friendship based?

 

Is he allowed to have female friends?

 

 

What would revenge change if it were true???

Probably nothing but perhaps a bit of short lived satisfaction.

 

Human beings are'nt possessions we don't own them and the more you try to hold him to his actions the more he is going to avoid you.This does'nt in anyway excuse his behaviour it's just the reality of life.

 

People and events are never obilgated to behave in the way we desire life goes on just as it will.

[Rabican]

your heart will want to keep the man you loved, or liked... whatever

 

your brain knows better though, it knows hes going to break your heart if you keep it up. Its best to move on, or maybe give him a try some other time after he grows up and can keep it in his pants and behave himself and respect you.