I hate myself for this

[CheerfulSprocket]

Oh, it was just pointed out that the other relationship lasted 7 weeks, not months. Sorry about that - I somehow got it that it was going on for months. Ack! Doesn't change my advice however.

 

Again, good luck to you and keep moving forward!

 

Spro

[candy604]

also a cheating husband stands out in society as a shameful thing and certaintly not a good role model for your children.

[cnotes]

You are right, it is very strange she won't even consider patching things up. I am on the other end of this situation, my wife cheated on me with a friend 3 times years ago and I found out last year. The hurt is unimaginable.

 

However, since we are in a loving relationship it is very hard to walk out. I decided to stay because what we have now is worth it (even though I sometimes have to convince myself of this still, since the hurt is so deep, I mean look I'm still browsing these sites a year later).

 

Some people I guess don't want to go through what I'm still going through, which is self-doubt, depression, anxiety etc etc. She must have felt it better to stop it right here and not go through all this, I can't blame her, I know what its like. Maybe she was cheated on before and knows whats its like too and decided not to go through it this time.

 

Its a decision she had to make, she took this route. Ask yourself if its possible that to her, the life you had wasn't all that much to give up? can you think of any reason she wasn't happy? The only reason I stayed is because I am very happy with my wife right now. You gave your wife all the reason to reconsider if she is happy with you, and maybe she just wasn't/isn't? That's the chance you take when you cheat.

 

hope that helps a little.

[avman]

I'm sorry but I disagree. Faulting his wife for deciding not to continue the relationship after infidelity like this is not fair. For many people, this is an absolute deal breaker. It does not mean the relationship wasn't important to them or that they weren't happy.

[cnotes]

You're right on about everything. I'd like to re-iterate that your point #3 really resonates with me.

 

I think this guy, to get over this, needs to really evaluate why his wife wasn't happy with the life they had at the time he cheated. Maybe its for the same reason(s) he cheated, ya know? People cheat when are not happy, and usually both partners are well aware of the fact that they are not happy.

[cnotes]

avman I'm not faulting the wife for anything. All I'm saying is that to even CONSIDER staying with someone who cheated on you, there must be a love so strong that to give it up would hurt even worse than the cheating. His wife did not feel this or she would have at least considered giving it a shot. The fact that she did not even CONSIDER repairing a long marriage with kids is blaring evidence that this was not a true loving relationship, no way.

[n83]

I think it's reasonable that she wants nothing to do with you as a husband.. but I find it unreasonable that she thinks you need supervision around your kids. Is there any alcohol/physical abuse issues you haven't told us? Why is she demanding that you only have supervised visits with your children? If I was your attorney I would attack this first and foremost, it's ridiculous. As her husband, you should share joint physical custody. That is the traditional divorce "arrangement" for couples that were married when their children were born.

[yeawutever]

The fact that she did not even CONSIDER repairing a long marriage with kids is blaring evidence that this was not a true loving relationship, no way.

 

Well see, loving someone does NOT mean you have to tolerate ill treatment. I'm sure his wife love him very much, but he was not aware of her zero tolerance policy on cheating. Just b/c they have children, does not obligate her to forgive him and stay with him.

 

First comes loving and respecting yourself.

 

[cnotes]

ahhh...you guys are missing the point. The people I know with such zero tolerance policies are the ones who usually sleep alone, for years on end.

 

You guys don't find it at least the slightest bit strange that she just ran out the door without a thought? She is giving up a lot, ya know? People are human, and more than 50% of marriages have some sort of affair over the course of a lifetime. Many are saved afterwards through hard work and counseling. Ya gotta put the kids first! At least try a little bit for their benefit. Go to a counselor, see if its worth repairing, for the kids sake.

 

When you have kids, its all about them. If you split up the family, regardless of who's fault it is, you've basically ruined their lives. That's why I think this woman is selfish. Or the guy is just a * * * * in all aspects and this is her chance to split.

 

yeah yeah, i know its not her fault. But maybe if she tried counseling and its determined that this is not a happy marriage, then split.

 

She is putting her selfish feelings b4 the kids, that's what I don't like.

Zero tolerance is BS, this is life, not a military institution.

[yeawutever]

But see sometimes it's better to live a lonely life than a life of distrust and jealousy issues. In her shoes, I would have done the same, I got no tolerance for it either.

[vesper]

I think what is disturbing about this story is that the OP's wife is seeing things in black and white only. Relationships are always more complex than that and there is always many sides to the story....

 

OP- let her go for now. It is her best way of dealing with things right now to only see the situation in black and white and that is all you can expect. Usually this is what happens when someone experiences this kind of shock.

 

I know that there were times during my marriage after I had cheated on my husband that he did not want to have anything to do with me.

 

I deserved it, but I worked on myself and in the end, we got back together...

[csa39]

That's all I'm saying also. Just for the kids - it is so hard on them. I realize what I did is a horrible thing (although at the time I didn't think anything of it which is just so stupid). I've read so many books that show that with hard work and counseling over 80% of these marriages not only survive but thrive. That is where my anger comes from --- believe me, I am more angry with myself because I lost everything from my actions. I am trying so hard to put away any animosity towards her but I just can't. It sounds selfish and horrible but I just can't do it. Yes, yes, I know --- if this family was so important to you, why were you such an *****. I don't know, I don't know --- I'm an idiot I guess, I had a manic episode (like 1 shrink told me). I made the mistake of a lifetime & if I don't get over this soon, I'll never be a good father to my little boys. I'm not going to sit here and say that we had the perfect marriage --- maybe on the outside it appeared that way but we lacked intimacy and more importantly communication. I mean real communication about our needs and wants. I am not even saying to repair this marriage for our true love but at least give it a shot for the kids. These kids need both of their parents so bad and being a weekend Dad or whatever it's called is never the same and everybody knows it. At least try for the kids sake. OK, I made the worst mistake ever & caused this breakup. Then why in the world do I feel so much remorse --- she knows how upset I am and she loves it, I can't keep crying in front of her because it gives her too much satisfaction.

 

Also, she didn't run out the door. She kicked me out through a legal loophole (order to show cause) - which she even admitted was bogus. I am living with my parents. She tried to sell my parents home (which my STBX and I own) and she is trying to get every penny she can from a business which my 76yr old father has been running for the past 8 years mostly to benefit my STBX and me (the business is in my name). So yes, I'm pissed at her and as you can imagine even more pissed at myself for causing this mess. But, I've said it before and I'll say it again, the decision to leave and tear apart this family is 100% hers and not mine. I made the mistake which I will be paying for for the rest of my life but she is running up legal bills and breaking up a family without as much as 1 attempt at counseling. GOD help me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry ---- I truly believe in my heart that GOD has forgiven me. I can't forgive myself and I honestly can't forgive her --- it's a real mess to say the least.

 

BTW - I appreciate all the replies even the brutally honest one's that attack me. Maybe this is what I need - a good kick in the * * * and some persepective on the whole situation.

[candy604]

are you able to talk to her about just the children, and even though the marriage won't work but hurting your father's business is too far? I think she's going to far with her anger and probably wants to make you suffer dearly. So sorry to hear about this.

 

Sounds like she needs some counselling herself and needs time to calm down and think long-term even though she is really hurt.

 

Stop crying in front of her b/c it just makes her feel better.

 

Sorry, i don't remember, but are you both divorced now? I mean if you are, then it's hard to fix a marriage, might as well move on but still be around for the kids.

[csa39]

Yes, she has no problem talking just about the children. She still wants me in their lives but to tell you the truth I honestly think it's just to give her a break -- I don't know, I know she loves those boys with everything she has and wants to do what's best for them. What is best for them is an intact family where Mommy & Daddy are both there for them 24hrs a day. We never fought in front of them -- come to think of it, we never fought at all - their was our first problem, very unhealthly with minimal real communication.

 

She's already had her counseling and sounds as happy as can be now. Another devastation out of all this is that she was incredibly close with my parents and my 2 sisters. When all hell broke loose & she found out about the affair, I told my sisters to try to be supportive of her as she was going through a hard time. Things started getting awkward and then when my sisters found out she was trying to sell my parents home through the courts and banned me from my primary residence, they pretty much told her that they would never step foot in a house that I was banned from. In other words, she was out of their lives because of the way she was acting.

 

I wish I could move on but I guess I'm just not ready yet or at that acceptance stage. The divorce is not final but will most likely be within 2-3 mths. I honestly don't think she's hurt anymore and that she's moved on without a problem. Her only concern right now is financial and she'll try to get every dime she can.

[vesper]

have told her or showed her that you love her lately?

 

that is what worked in the end for me. I told my husband that I was still in love with him. Nipped it in the bud.

[CheerfulSprocket]

You know, I wasn't going to post anymore on this topic, but I just wanted to point out again that despite your firm belief that

 

the decision to leave and tear apart this family is 100% hers and not mine

 

is really misplaced, and appalling, actually. The decision to leave and tear apart your family is 100% YOUR doing. The fact that you continue to blame everyone/thing but yourself is the reason you cannot move on.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, what makes you think she wasn't already making an effort to stay in the marriage for the kids all along before you had your affair? Maybe (in my opinion, probably) the affair was the end trigger, not the beginning or middle. The last straw.

 

Also you have no right to complain that she's seeking to protect her legal interests at this point. You want her to extend to you a gracious forgiving hand, but there's no reason why she should. Also, there are hundreds of women who get divorced and get completely shafted in the process - so good for her that she's looking out for her interests. Clearly, she feels she can't rely on you to do that for her - maybe she's doing all she can now because she doesn't trust you not to screw her over financially and in divorce proceedings.

 

Anyway, again, I encourage you to take some personal responsibility and move on productively in the future. Things will get better.

 

Spro

[csa39]

I've told her and tried to show her countless times over the past few months - via phone, email, gifts etc...... Everything you can imagine. She couldn't be more clear - it's over, the marriage is 100% over is what she's said. Leave me alone, stop emailing, stop calling etc.......

 

So I stopped and the only thing I feel right now is anger and regret.

[csa39]

You know, I wasn't going to post anymore on this topic, but I just wanted to point out again that despite your firm belief that

 

is really misplaced, and appalling, actually. The decision to leave and tear apart your family is 100% YOUR doing. The fact that you continue to blame everyone/thing but yourself is the reason you cannot move on.

 

Spro

 

See, this is where I'm getting stuck. My shrink is telling me that I am taking "too" much responsibility for this and it takes 2 to make or break a marriage. If I keep beating myself up over this and not realize that fact that she is not willing to work at it I'm going to end up in a mental hospital somewhere. We're all human and we all make mistakes, I take 100% responsibility for what I've done but how does someone get past this type of guilt and regret. I'm looking to her to make my pain go away where I should be looking at myself --- I know all this -- it's just putting it into action that's the problem.

[CheerfulSprocket]

The fact that you blame her (for not taking you back, for wanting to sell joint property, etc), while mentioning that your manic episode was the reason you might have cheated, indicates to me that you are not taking 100 percent responsibility for what you've done. You are not taking responsibility for your actions, in my opinion, because you keep saying that you know you cheated, but it's HER fault that the family has been ripped apart (ie, you blame her for not forgiving you).

 

In my opinion, taking responsibility means that you acknowledge your part in the situation and accept the consequences. You can try your best to make things up with her, but in the end, taking responsibility means that you can't be angry with her if she makes choices that you disagree with.

 

I understand you have guilt and regret. You wouldn't be human if you didn't in this case. It's a credit to you that you're trying to understand at a deeper level. I think if you REALLY take responsibility, and realize that there were probably other factors involved which make it too late for a reconciliation now, it might go a long way to easing your feelings of anger and betrayal. It would be a terrible shame if you let your anger destroy whatever's left and possibly ruin the chances for a positive relationship with her in the future.

 

Spro

[vesper]

First of all we don't live in the dark ages anymore and anyone who thinks that someone who commits adultrey is completely and solely responsible for the demise of a marriage is completely wrong. Yes maybe the relationship is so bad that one person ultimately gets pushed into committing an 'action' that is only a symptom of what is really going on.

 

the way she is acting is making me think that she wanted out of the marriage all along and now she actually has some tangible excuse to base it on. Like I said its never black and white and she is is just as responsible as him.

 

Now for the OP....why are you letting this get to you? The woman that you had the affair with, do you still lover her or is this just pure guilt making you act this way in repenting to your wife. You must have been unhappy with the marriage to have an affair or you were high. I don't know which one it was, but obviously your were pushed to your limits.

 

I am sorry, but I think your wife was just waiting for the perfect moment to get out and you probably sensed this and gave it to her on a silver platter by having an affair.

[CheerfulSprocket]

Well Aminae, I must respectfully disagree with you. I most certainly do believe that an adulterer may, in fact, be completely and solely responsible for the break-up of a marriage. If there are problems, adultery is not the answer - work it out, don't cheat. Cheating is, understandably, a deal-breaker for many.

 

Spro

[vesper]

Well Aminae, I must respectfully disagree with you. I most certainly do believe that an adulterer may, in fact, be completely and solely responsible for the break-up of a marriage. If there are problems, adultery is not the answer - work it out, don't cheat. Cheating is, understandably, a deal-breaker for many.

 

Spro

 

well, and yeah....that is probably why they cheat. because they know that it will end their marriage with no strings attached, i.e. therapy, etc.

[csa39]

I have been reading so much about infidelity (books, internet etc....) and people are so split on this topic. Statistically speaking, if BOTH parties are willing to work on things after an affair there is a 85% recovery rate (I've read as high as 90%). It is not easy at all but why are some people willing to try and others just throw in the towel.

 

In all honesty, I was very happy with my life and 'content' with my marriage. Looking back, of course, vision is always 20/20. I now realize that what I lost is everything I could have ever wanted. The minor flaws that I saw in my wife (bossy, somewhat demanding, big spender) is really not the reason that I had the stupid affair. I honestly think I was high or just plain manic and downright stupid. I felt like I could do anything, accomplish anything ---- I was living my days with so much energy. Then it all hit me at once -- this was horrible, this is so wrong, why are you doing this & I became a complete anxiety driven mess, hooked on Xanax for a quick calm me down and of course my wife got suspicious and that's when the * * * * hit the fan.

 

She has said to friends (and it got back to me) that I was a crappy husband and father ---- I know this isn't true because I used to be told constantly that I was the greatest father and she was so proud of me. She has told me directly that I let her down on other occasions and the affair was the straw that broke the camels back. Some of my friends and family tell me that our marriage would have ended regardless --- I don't believe this for a minute. It ended because I had an affair & to her there are people who cheat and people who don't. That's all there is to it. Those are her exact words.

 

As for the OP, the only thing that's getting to me is that this ruined my life and marriage. I did this to myself -- nobody made me do this. Nobody held a gun to my head. I made the choice and went with it. This is what is keeping me up at nights.

 

She immediately filed for a seperation and said she didn't want a divorce. Then had me served with divorce papers and restraining notice unexpectedly 1 month later.

 

I take full responsibility for my actions but I did not file the papers. I can't get rid of the anger I feel towards her --- I know it's irrational and I'll keep trying but it's not getting any easier. If I could find my own happiness, this feeling would go away but I'm not there yet.

[melrich]

That's all I'm saying also. Just for the kids - it is so hard on them.

 

No you should never stay together "for the kids". I have seen many do it and it always ends in misery. The kids suffer more in an unhappy marriage than they do with happy parents living apart.

 

It is not easy at all but why are some people willing to try and others just throw in the towel.

 

Those that try to recover either have a very strong base to start with or the partner who was cheated on cannot let go the security of the relationship.

 

From what you have described you had a marriage of little intimacy and minimal communication. Your wife sounds like she can make herself fionacially secure. I have little doubt that you opened a door that was never going to be closed.

 

Why would your wife want to go back to what you had? (That is not a rhetorical question.)

[vesper]

HAHHAHAHAHAH you are the OP!!

 

listen, I did the same thing. I was so happy that I experienced a manic episode and wanted to share my love with someone who felt as happy as me.....yes, being high had a lot to do with it, but really that's what being high is about....

 

 

my adivce. check yourself into therapy. stop taking all drugs, stop drinking, go cold turkey on this, because you are the one with the problem here, not her and marriage therapy wont solve anything.