cnotes

SarahRose its because 1) live in gf's stay fit, wives do not 2) live in gf's give head all the time, wives are too tired 3) live in gf's cook all the time, wives do but complain about it 4) live in gf's have their own money, wives take yours 5) divorce (should be #1) most reasons for getting married center on the woman being happy and secure. Men these days would rather just live the life without the legal BS to trap them for life. Another good question would be, why do wives HAVE to get married?? Can't they just live their life out with their partners without all the legal mumbo jumbo??

You're right I shouldn't have been 'checking your qualifications'. I guess you don't need a 'reason' to be the type to just walk after somebody cheats on you. I was seriously just wondering if there is a common thread among people who just pack up and leave on first notice, and leave their families. I can say I was cheated on, and if it happened again I'd be walking out no questions asked, so I am now a part of that group, and have a reason for it. Nothing wrong with walking on first offense. Here's what I don't agree with: You know, I wasn't going to post anymore on this topic, but I just wanted to point out again that despite your firm belief that Quote: Originally Posted by csa39 the decision to leave and tear apart this family is 100% hers and not mine is really misplaced, and appalling, actually. The decision to leave and tear apart your family is 100% YOUR doing. The fact that you continue to blame everyone/thing but yourself is the reason you cannot move on. I can't agree with the fact that it was 100% his doing and I don't think he is blaming everyone but himself, I just think he is justifiably wondering why she won't make an attempt at reconciliation. If there were other issues for both of them not being happy it might have been worth exploring to find out if these issues were repairable. I've said it before and I'll say it again, what makes you think she wasn't already making an effort to stay in the marriage for the kids all along before you had your affair? Maybe (in my opinion, probably) the affair was the end trigger, not the beginning or middle. The last straw. If the above paragraph were true (and i agree that it probably is), then I think csa is justified in wanting to know what those reasons were, I mean that is not being selfish. Who wouldn't want to know what the reasons are/were for your wife not being happy (assuming it was more than the cheating). Maybe if she had communicated her unhappiness with the marriage than things wouldn't have gone this far. That's why I think he can't be 100% at fault. That's what I meant when I said you're taking a hard line approach. You're saying he's 100% at fault. I think we actually agree on that. And I think we both agree that this is the gamble you take when you cheat, maybe that's what you meant by him being 100% at fault. Peace

Spro, I'm sorry but you're approach on this is too hard-line for the complex world we live in. Don't you think its strange that she just took the kids from her father without even trying to repair this problem? Ya gotta know that these kids are going to pay the price for 2 adults who can't work it out AFTER they decided to walk down the aisle and get pregant etc...start a life together. its not their fault. I'm curious Spro if you're in a serious relationship, or have been cheated on, or cheated on someone? seem a little bitter with no compassion for these kids. Or maybe you've never built a life with someone and don't know what it means to tear it down? not trying to insult you at all, just curious.

First of all we don't live in the dark ages anymore and anyone who thinks that someone who commits adultrey is completely and solely responsible for the demise of a marriage is completely wrong. Yes maybe the relationship is so bad that one person ultimately gets pushed into committing an 'action' that is only a symptom of what is really going on. ========================================= That is totally accurate, that's why I didn't leave my wife. I reiterate that if there is adultery it is both parties who are usually at fault because it is a symptom of a bad relationship. Most bad relationships are due to the actions and behaviors of both parties. (Please note that I said 'usually' and 'most', so no lame responses saying that sometimes one person really is the evil one, PLEASE)If this relationship cannot be repaired through counseling, then you can leave. You don't stay together because of the kids, but you at least owe them the chance for a normal childhood. So you go to counseling to see if it is repairable. I'd be willing to bet that csa's wife had plans to bolt anyway due to the quick exit of the relationship. Maybe there were skeletons in her closet that she was afraid of being revealed or something. you know, she sounds like an unreasonable person that is willing to throw away the lives of her kids anyway, sorry, but f her. This is not all your fault. Hey man, I was cheated on and I still feel terrible about it, but I realize that my actions were a big part of why she did what she did. This woman seems unwilling to look at herself, maybe that's what she is afraid of. in any case, to csa - a few pieces of advice: 1) Da' coach (Ditka when he got fired from the Bears) was right: time really does heal all wounds 2) forget about her, she is unwilling to work it out. ya gotta move on. 3) Do whatever it takes to make it easier on the kids, that's your #1. Your kids will forever be grateful to you for this. This is critical to YOUR well-being 4) FOCUS on being a good person, that is really all you can do in this complicated world to make your life better. Just add to the world's goodness, don't try to add to its misery by getting revenge or anything. Just be good and you will live well. Remember that some things will always be a mystery. 5) run/jog or exercise every single day it really helps one to feel better. You have to do it almost every day though. Start slow if you're new to it. This is not negotiable, you have to do it. it will help, it will take time, but it will help. good luck

ahhh...you guys are missing the point. The people I know with such zero tolerance policies are the ones who usually sleep alone, for years on end. You guys don't find it at least the slightest bit strange that she just ran out the door without a thought? She is giving up a lot, ya know? People are human, and more than 50% of marriages have some sort of affair over the course of a lifetime. Many are saved afterwards through hard work and counseling. Ya gotta put the kids first! At least try a little bit for their benefit. Go to a counselor, see if its worth repairing, for the kids sake. When you have kids, its all about them. If you split up the family, regardless of who's fault it is, you've basically ruined their lives. That's why I think this woman is selfish. Or the guy is just a * * * * in all aspects and this is her chance to split. yeah yeah, i know its not her fault. But maybe if she tried counseling and its determined that this is not a happy marriage, then split. She is putting her selfish feelings b4 the kids, that's what I don't like. Zero tolerance is BS, this is life, not a military institution.

avman I'm not faulting the wife for anything. All I'm saying is that to even CONSIDER staying with someone who cheated on you, there must be a love so strong that to give it up would hurt even worse than the cheating. His wife did not feel this or she would have at least considered giving it a shot. The fact that she did not even CONSIDER repairing a long marriage with kids is blaring evidence that this was not a true loving relationship, no way.

You're right on about everything. I'd like to re-iterate that your point #3 really resonates with me. I think this guy, to get over this, needs to really evaluate why his wife wasn't happy with the life they had at the time he cheated. Maybe its for the same reason(s) he cheated, ya know? People cheat when are not happy, and usually both partners are well aware of the fact that they are not happy.

You are right, it is very strange she won't even consider patching things up. I am on the other end of this situation, my wife cheated on me with a friend 3 times years ago and I found out last year. The hurt is unimaginable. However, since we are in a loving relationship it is very hard to walk out. I decided to stay because what we have now is worth it (even though I sometimes have to convince myself of this still, since the hurt is so deep, I mean look I'm still browsing these sites a year later). Some people I guess don't want to go through what I'm still going through, which is self-doubt, depression, anxiety etc etc. She must have felt it better to stop it right here and not go through all this, I can't blame her, I know what its like. Maybe she was cheated on before and knows whats its like too and decided not to go through it this time. Its a decision she had to make, she took this route. Ask yourself if its possible that to her, the life you had wasn't all that much to give up? can you think of any reason she wasn't happy? The only reason I stayed is because I am very happy with my wife right now. You gave your wife all the reason to reconsider if she is happy with you, and maybe she just wasn't/isn't? That's the chance you take when you cheat. hope that helps a little.