New relationship.. I'm scared - am I normal..

[Rapunzelle]

I met this guy about a month ago. At first I couldn't wait to hear from him. Then we went out. Then I wanted to see more of him. Anyway.. now that he is way interested in me, I'm freaking out. The guy is a gem, I DON'T want to let him go, but I'm not feeling the sparks of a new relationship, instead when I think about him or our relationship, I get anxious.

 

Could it be because my last few relationships failed.. could it be because I was suffering from mild depression & anxiety prior to meeting him.. (which started around march/april of this year, right around my breaking up with my last bf - relationship which was riddled with red flags but it still hurt me like hell to break up)..how can I go from feeling very attracted to him and then BAM! Maybe it just takes time for feelings to grow, I don't want to blow it but mornings are the worst, I wake up with this feeling of dread and feel like getting rid of the relationship just so I don't feel anxious about it anymore, but then I also realize that this man could be an excellent match for me.

 

Help! How do I not blow this!

[Lady Bugg]

Rapunzelle..I tend to do this too. Look for reasons to get out of the relationship before it gets deeper. It IS scary. Best thing to do is go VERYYYY VERYY slowly. Keep your life...and make sure you stay balanced. If you have OTHER things going on in your life, you won;t feel consumed by the relationship. This is still VERY early on...so of course you're going to see all the good things about this guy...just remember..he is HUMAN..so don;t forget that. You will see that soon enough, but for now just enjoy the "newness" of the relationship. Oh and..good luck

[Rapunzelle]

Hi Lady Bugg..

 

thanks for your reply.. If only I could focus on his good traits and that would trigger the feelings I want to have for him.. I find him attractive and like everything about him.. so why this fear? What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of him getting attached to me and then me breaking his heart like I did the last one.. If only I had control over my emotions and could trigger the switch "on" to falling in love with the guy.. I don't know what I should do in the meantime..

[Beec]

What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of him getting attached to me and then me breaking his heart like I did the last one.. If only I had control over my emotions and could trigger the switch "on" to falling in love with the guy.. I don't know what I should do in the meantime..

 

Yes, that is what you are afraid of. You're not afraid of falling in love. You're afraid of what happens if you do and it doesn't work out. Your fears can override your other emotions if you let that happen.

 

This guy may or may not be the one. You will only find out by not letting him see these fears or by not acting based on them, and opening yourself up to the chance of falling in love, which will make you vulnerable. there's no way to do it without running some risks. Good luck.

[tylercdurden2004]

Is this the same guy?

 

 

[annie24]

I agree with lady bugg... go slow. It is not like you two have to decide if you are getting married tomorrow or not. just take the relationship, one day at a time, see where things go from there.

 

good luck

[chai714]

You're not afraid of falling in love. You're afraid of what happens if you do and it doesn't work out. Your fears can override your other emotions if let them that happen.

 

I've never seen something explained so well. This is exactly the hinderance or hesitation you're facing when dealing with your emotions regarding this new relationship. That is an exellent few lines which explain the common fears regarding relationships.

 

Let me remind you that the process of love can not take place unless you make yourself vulnerable. Making yourself vulnerable involves trusting someone, having enough faith in them to confide, sharing your fears, dreams, etc with them. These are all things that make yourself vulnerable, which are a necessary component in order for the process of love to occur.

[Beec]

I've never seen something explained so well. This is exactly the hinderance or hesitation you're facing when dealing with your emotions regarding this new relationship. That is an exellent few lines which explain the common fears regarding relationships.

 

Let me remind you that the process of love can not take place unless you make yourself vulnerable. Making yourself vulnerable involves trusting someone, having enough faith in them to confide, sharing your fears, dreams, etc with them. These are all things that make yourself vulnerable, which are a necessary component in order for the process of love to occur.

 

Thanks Chai, except I used lousy English in that last line you quoted. Instead of "Your fears can override your other emotions if let them that happen." It should have been "if you let that happen," or "if you let them." Thanks.

 

And you're right on too.

[Rapunzelle]

Thanks guys,

 

I don't know what is causing my anxiety. All I know is everytime we talk and he says he misses me, or wants to make plans to do something, or anything like that, my stomach churns. I know he could be a great boyfriend, but every morning the first thing that comes to my mind is.. I can't go on like this.. I'm tempted to break up with him just so I don't have to feel that way anymore. But is that really the answer? Will I just repeat the pattern with the next great guy that comes along and shows potential for a long term relationship? Does that make sense to any of you? Cuz it does not to me. I don't understand why I feel that way. Some said on this board I'm afraid to love. I'm confused by that statement, because that is what I want the most, to be able to love like I used to w. my ex husband. I was totally committed to that man for 13 years. I want to be able to love like that again, and here's a potential match but I feel like I'm pushing him away. After my ex, I had a 10 month relationship, and I was able to fall in love with him (not at first though, I even broke up w. him after about 2-3 weeks of dating.) But after 10 months that is when this bout of anxiety/depression started, but I also realized there were too many red flags in that relationship. So I still don't know if he caused my anxiety/depression, or if the anxiety/depression caused me to break up with him. Who knows.

 

I just don'T know what to do anymore.. I feel lonely and anxious when I'm single and I hate it.. and then this great guy comes along and I feel like throwing it all away because it scares me, I'm afraid I won't be able to love him back, ..whatever.. I'm not even sure anymore what I'm afraid of. All I know is all I feel like doing is curling up into a ball and sleep and not do anything else, that is how bad and confused and sick and tired I feel. I don't know where to turn anymore for help. I've been offered Paxil by my doctor in May but am afraid of the side effects. Could mild depression be causing all these relationship doubts? I wish someone could throw me a line I really don't know who or what can help me anymore. I even tried counseling but nothing seems to work. The anxiety is unbearable. And of course I have to keep functioning, going to work every day, paying bills, mortgage, etc.

 

Sorry for the sad story, but I really don't know what to do anymore I feel so torn. I know it would break my heart to let him go, but I feel like something is pulling me in that direction. We have very open communication, he knows how I feel, he wants me to tell him exactly how I feel. He keeps saying that I can control how fast we go, that I'm well worth the time it'll take me. Says he is not going anywhere. He is extremely understanding. While that makes me feel a bit good, it also makes me feel a bit * * * *ty. Make sense?

[DN]

What do you want to happen? Don't think - just quickly answer and hit 'post reply'

[Rapunzelle]

I want to fall in love with the guy and have a decent loving relationship with him. That is what I want. But the sparks or infatuation that are usually there at the beginning of a relationship are missing, I don't know why, maybe because of the state I'm in.

[DN]

OK - so what you want is being affected by what you fear. And you fear it because you were burned before.

 

Remember that if you get burned by a flame it is not wise to forgo the warmth and cheer that flames can bring - if they are treated with reasonable caution.

 

Same with relationships.

 

There is always an element of risk in a relationship but that does not mean you should fear or avoid them. Because if you do you consign yourself to a life of loneliness. Instead, you take a reasoned approach and let your emotions tell you what you want and your rationality help to guide you to get it.

[Rapunzelle]

What you are saying makes sense. That being said, if a person does not feel the spark, but instead feels anxiety when thinking about another person, is that a sign that perhaps this is not the right person for me? Or is there something else at play here. How could I feel the sparks at the beginning and the excitement, until he started getting closer, then anxiety took over on my part.

[DN]

Anxiety would likely get in the way of any sparks. The best way to get over that is to give the relationship a chance.

 

And perhaps see someone about the depression.

[Rapunzelle]

Thanks DN, funny thing is, when we speak on the phone during the week we can talk for hours - literally, and I really enjoy talking to him. I also find him attractive, I just don't know what is holding me back from feeling what I would like to feel for him.. I just feel nervous and anxious about the whole thing. You know when you meet someone new and everything is wonderful, you can't wait to be with that person and you feel giddy and all.. I can't seem to get excited because the anxiety is taking over. I sometimes wonder if I should just give up.. but then I'm afraid I might regret. He made it clear he does not play games of breaking up and getting back together etc. And I usually don't either.

[DN]

I think you should continue to see him and try to overcome the anxiety. There's a good chance that as you become more relaxed around him the anxiety will fade.

 

Worth trying anyway. Better than walking away and having regrets later.

[Rapunzelle]

Any tips on overcoming the anxiety ? We had another long talk last night, he says he will refrain from calling me anymore, will let me call him when I feel like it. But I know it's hard for him, cuz he's falling for me it is obvious. I just don't know what my feelings are for him, I know that I don't feel as excited as I did when I previously fell in love, but then again, the last 2 bf I had, I fell in love but they were not a good match for me. For once I wish I could fall in love with the right guy ya know. It's almost as if as soon as he started showing interest in me it cooled me down. It made me panic. Pathetic, I'd like to know how to reverse that.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation at first in their relationship but then saw things evolve in a positive way? I hear similar stories of girls who at first were not that interested, but then their love grew, such is the case for my sister, my sister in law, another girl I know etc. But I don't know if the situations are the same. Help!

[Rapunzelle]

ps - is one month maybe too soon to be in love anyway? Could it just be that? Pls share your experiences..

[Beec]

ps - is one month maybe too soon to be in love anyway? Could it just be that? Pls share your experiences..

 

Way too soon, imo. I think I have always taken at least three months.

 

Don't try to fall in love. Try to enjoy what you have now.

[Rapunzelle]

I'm trying to but knowing he's falling for me kinda scares me, he showers me with attentions, compliments, praise, flowers, etc. etc.

 

When we first met I was extremely excited to hear from him & see him, cuz he didn't seem in a rush. When that changed it scared me, and I don't know how to come back to the initial feelings of excitement.

[Batya33]

Here is what I would do. First, don't share your anxiety with him unless it is something he is doing that he can stop doing or do differently. He will get nervous and won't know what to do other than back off. If your anxiety is such that you can't be giving to him, be a good listener, etc then tell him that you can't talk right then - that you are just not in a great mood but you will call him back, etc. Telling him probably feels like you're relieving the anxiety but remember even though he wants to reassure you, he can't and it will confuse him. In short, it is kind of selfish to subject him to it (having been there myself).

 

His showering you with compliments might be his reaction to you pulling away - making him feel clingy/needy. Also maybe don't talk to him every night - give yourself a chance to breathe, to miss him, to experience him as more of a challenge.

 

Sometimes when I have been anxious it has been because the guy is too insecure/needy, I am sensing that and that is a turn off. Sometimes it is just irrational fear.

 

Try this - tell him you want to take things slow. Speak every other day at most, see him 2-3 times a week, at most for the next two months. See if you miss him when you are apart or at least feel more interest in seeing him.

 

It could be with this guy that it was mostly the thrill of the chase and now that he is almost too available you are wondering whether this is from a position of strength or neediness.

[Rapunzelle]

Thanks Batya,

 

We have had some pretty long and open conversations about this, he knows exactly how I feel, I have not been hiding my feelings from him. I figured he had a right to know exactly where I stand and where he stands because of it.

 

We don't see each other during the week, I saw him twice this weekend, Friday night (sleep over left Sat noon) and Sat. night. He lives about 1 hour away so we decided during the week is not reasonable, as we both have to get up and work in the morning.

 

When you say don't share your anxiety unless there is something he can do or else he may back off, maybe that's what I want, for him to take a bit of a step back, as I almost feel too much pressure to love him back and I know I can't control these things. I'm not sure what the right attitude to take is here. And not calling every night is a good idea, but again I'm concerned about his feelings.

[annie24]

I almost feel too much pressure to love him back and I know I can't control these things. I'm not sure what the right attitude to take is here.

 

I think this is a key statement. stop putting so much pressure on yourself. let the relationship evolve, do not feel "forced" to act one way or another around him. be appreciative when he does something nice, but do not feel like you need to "fall in love" with him soon. let that unfold as it may.

[Karibo]

This is quite normal behaviour. It's called the 'uncertainty stage' that everyone goes through in a relationship. It's usually a good sign that they guy has good potential for you. Have you ever read John Gray's Men are from mars, Women are from venus on a date? That explains it perfectly.

[Rapunzelle]

Thanks Annie,

 

Wise words. I hope I can achieve that and live without the anxiety caused by pressure to return the feelings, that might be what is preventing me from feeling in the first place. I don't know. Some people may say it could be fear of commitment, but I was with the same man for 13 years, and enjoyed that life. Plus, the last two I fell in love with turned out to be mismatches for me.

 

Karibo, Yes I have it on my night table as we speak. The only problem w. M & V is that he explains the uncertainty stage mainly as the men retreating.. for women he explains that in the uncertainty stage, women tend to pursue the man... what a load.. that is one of the few things I disagree w. JG about. It does happen for a woman to feel uncertain and back out.. I wish there was more on the subject about how normal that is and how it usually unfolds and how to deal with it etc..