I don't know if I should go back to my ex or stay with my new man??

[CE102]

Hey all, thanks for reading this.

 

I seem to have put myself into a bit of a pickle and now I do not know what to do. I apoligise in advance as this will probably be long, But please read and offer any advise it will be greatly appreciated.

 

I was in a long term relationship that lasted the best of three years. We split in March this year and moved out of our rented house. The main story with My Ex Simon is that no matter all the will or trying we just could not get it right. I had previously been in a five year relationship, and was engaged and 6 months away from the wedding day when I found out that he had been cheating on me for 18 months, so naturally as you can imagine big time trust issues. I did bring these into my relationship with Simon and to make it worse he had only been married five months when he found out his wife had been cheating. So you can imagine the mess we managed to get our self's into.

 

So we were madly in love, and when it was good it was really good, we had some excellent and loving times together. I got quite ill last year with a brain injury and got a bit depressed, I did not need medication, but had five months off work recoverying from my injury. We had, had problems before with me being moody and paranoid, and we had finally cracked it about two months before I got ill. After I got ill our relationship took a big jump down a very big hill, if you know what I mean. Simon was quite controlling and eventually we split for the millionth time. That was five months ago. He told me he did not love me anymore and no matter how hard he tried to get me going again, he was resound to the fact that I could only make me happy, he could not live his life for both of us, as we only enhance what the other already has. Very sensible I think.

 

So time passed and I thought sod it, all the troubles we have had and that fact that he told me that he did not love me anymore there was no way that time apart would resolve it so I went on a date and am nowing dating a great guy called steve. Everything in our relationship is good, easy going, funny you name it we have got it.

 

So a month ago my ex text me asking to met up as he had found a box of mine he would liek to give me and to see how I am doing. I told steve, who naturally was a bit wary but nether the less accepted it.

 

I met my ex who did not know I was seeing someone, he poured his heart out, telling me that he made alot of bad choices, and at the time he thought there was nothing left to do but to tell me he did not love me anymore as to try and help me, because all the time he was around me as a support structure I would not do anything for my self, I would always be in my comfort zone. He said he never stopped loving me, but had to let me go so I could stand on my own two feet and be me again.

 

This did work by the way and I feel so much better and am back to myself now. bearing inmind I know simon very well I could see from his reaction and face that he did not know about Steve, he is very moral and would never interfere if he already knew. He was upset naturally. He admitted alot of things off his own back, I did not say anything about the past, he was extremely honest and said these things off his own back.

 

He said that he did try and control me and manlipulate me because again bad choices, after what he went through with his ex wife he thought that giving me all of his heart made him weak, but realising that being without me and not giving me any of his heart now made him weaker. He said that I was the one and the bad decision he made about mot loving me was the hardest thing he ever had to do. I said except leaving your wife of course, but he said no that was easy she had been cheating on me, i knew you loved me and I still did that thinking that was the best thing to do.

 

He asked me to marry him saying that he was never going to hold back again, and prove to me that he meant every word by commiting through and through (which was a problem before, like not getting engaged/buying a house).

 

the end of it all I am unresloved about Simon and I. I feel that we met at the wrong time, and got alot of things wrong. My family is dead against him now, as are his family as they all say all we did was hurt each other and why would we want to put ourself through it all again. He gave me an choice and I had to choose Him or Steve. I chose Steve as I was too scared to go back and really believe him. Since then I have been crying alot and sad without him. I spoke with him the other day and he said that he had met someone, nothing serious but was going on a date with her this week. He said all I wanted from you was to believe me, take the leap of faith, but I didn't.

 

He believes that despite jelously being a strong emotion, he knows it is a motivation for me and him. Now we are at the point of living separate lives because we got it wrong again.

 

I do not know what to do. I feel that time apart after being so honest with each other is good, and I have called a time out with steve. But nothing is going to resolve it self if we are going to see other people. As for steve, he is lovely he really is, but there is not as much fire with us, and I worry that I chose him as the safe option. I do not know.

 

How can I possible love two men, trust me it is not a good as it sounds, it's awful to try and choose between two people.

 

Please help, any advise would be great.

 

If you have read all of this I am extremely grateful.

 

Thank you for your time

 

CE102 X

[Scout]

Let me ask you something. Does your ex have a history of withdrawing/disengaging/disappearing when the going gets rough? If so, choose your current guy.

[CE102]

Thanks for replying scout, I guess so. I mean we lived together for a year and a half, and he was always there if you know what I mean, he did not disappear, but when it got tough, he would always call it a day, we always got back together soon after, like a day or two, we just slept in different rooms, but still made dinner for each other.

 

We got back together because I know it was my fault too, I was quite moody and bi##hy with him, which I do not do now. I was always testing him and him too. The only thing is he is quite manlipuative. Not in a nasty was, like recently he know's I am going on holiday with my new guy, and he gave me an ultimatium, either go back to him and he can forget that I was with someone else or lose him forever.

 

I did chose steve, but now I feel sad, I wonder if I am in morning as such, and now know he has met someone else, is all of this spurred by jelousy?

 

Thanks CE102 X

[Belle]

I think you are probably suffering the wanting what you can't have bug that so many people on this board and their exes suffer. I know it can't be easy though since he came back and admitted his mistakes. That's huge and I know I'd be swayed. However, if the relationship was chaotic to begin with, I don't believe you've lost anything. Yes, maybe you had some things to work out. But I don't know that you'll be able to trust him again in case you make a mistake or have things you need to work on. Every relationship has its problems. people aren't perfect and we all have things to sort out. The true test is the people that can hang on and work it out til they get to better times. If you can't trust that, I wouldn't go back.

 

All of the chemistry in the world is not worth walking on egg shells.

[Scout]

The only thing is he is quite manlipuative. Not in a nasty was, like recently he know's I am going on holiday with my new guy, and he gave me an ultimatium, either go back to him and he can forget that I was with someone else or lose him forever.

 

Well, that is rather nasty of him. This guy dumped you - harsh to say, but that's what it comes down to. Then he comes back months later with a rather insulting reason for it, "That you never would have helped yourself unless you two broke up." So, he's actually painting himself as the good guy for dumping you?? As opposed to sticking with you through the bad times, and loving you as you are - flaws and all? Even how he's approaching this break up is manipulative. Of course, now he sees what a gem you are, and is trying to get back with you - yet without taking much responsibility for the break up, for the problems that led you to the break up. On top of that, he has no respect for the fact you have moved on with your life and developed what sounds like a very promising relationship with a truly cool guy, and just insists that now that HE wants to get back together, you have to make a choice NOW.

 

I don't like it. I predict a repeat of past problems in your relationship, and I also predict you will be truly upset when you realize you dumped Steve for your unreliable ex. I know you two have a history. I know you loved each other. But sometimes, love isn't enough. Even good relationships end, and this one sounds like you had to be perfect, or else your ex would bail at the most inopportune times for you.

[Scout]

And hey, just out of curiosity...did you stay in contact with your ex after the break up? Did the two of you stay friends? Or did you just finally decide to cut off all communication and move on with your life, and as a result, ended up in this good relationship with Steve?

[CE102]

Scout,

 

The day I moved out was the last day I saw him, until he text me last month. He did go on holiday with two friends who are married and their little boy, when he returned there was an envelope in my tray (we both work for the same company but do not usually cross paths since he has moved to another office). He had bought me a cd, and some stuff he knew I wuld like. i emailed him to say thanks but he shouldn't have but i hope he had had a nice time and thanks alot.

[Scout]

How long was the time period between the day you moved out and when you got the text from him last month?

[CE102]

moved out 2nd may, got text 7th July

[annie24]

my honest opinion after reading your post is that your ex has proven himself unreliable and not a good partner. like scout said, when someone loves you, they stick by you through the rough times, they don't dump you. I'm afraid that if you go back to your ex, within a few months, things will go back to the way they were before.

 

I think you should give the new guy a real shot.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I see this situation quite a bit differently from the other posters. You broke up only in March. How long before you started seeing Steve? From Simon's perspective, he did see you through the illness and you yourself said that you had attitude issues. Yes, when people are ill, sometimes they have a bad attitude. I know someone who when she is ill, she has a big pity party and bad attitude and it is enough to drive anyone crazy. She doesn't do anything to help herself. Perhaps there was just cause for Simon to day that you needed to stand on your own two feet. The fact that you found someone so quickly after your breakup, shows that you just bounced from one relationship to another without really standing on your own two feet. Four months after the breakup is not a long time for someone to come back after re-thinking things. He probably needed a time out because he himself was dealing with all the things that had gone on. He needed to heal himself. Everyone says things in the heat of the breakup that they don't necessarily mean. With regards to his ultimatum about you choosing just when you are going away with Steve. If you care about someone, would you really say "okay, please go away with your new guy and after you come back then you can decide what you want to do". Human emotions are just not that altruistic. I think you also need to understand his side of things which means you really need to talk things out.

[CE102]

Thank you to everyone who read my post and to those who written a response, I am very grateful for the time it took those to reply. It has been a help hearing some outside opinions.

 

I can still say that I am still at a crossroads, arr can you believe it ?!?

I would of thought I would of sorted myself out by now, But No life is not simple afterall. After seeing my ex so much recently and listening to it all, I am swaying towards him. I love him and I accept that our difficulties were both of us and we did not make it work. But with a bit of time away from each other and some seriously honest conversations I feel better about our mistakes and the reason(s) why we had to break.

 

I still do not know what the future holds it is too soon to rush back in, But I feel a lot more positive about our lives whether they will be together or apart.

 

If any one is reading this still Please feel free to pass a comment, we all know what relationships are like and when there is complications it is alway good to receive other opinions.

 

I thank you all again.

 

CE102 X

[g44]

here is my 2 cents: if u left a lengthy relationship, one that u truly felt you were in love and were loved back, and u left because u needed to figure things out, and suddenly found yourself with another man, i would suggest to you that u stay with the other man, because if you truly loved your ex and knew he loved you - you would not have gotten involved with someone else. and so, you should stick with what you have decided. if i was the ex and u told me, that u had started seeing someone - i would wish you all the best and move on.

[Scout]

At the end of the day, you must trust your own feelings. And it sounds like you're giving all this very careful thought. Love is complicated. Who knows, maybe complications would develop with your new guy one day.

 

You do have history with your ex, and it seems there is real love there. I hope everything works out for the most positive. Feel free to post, vent, whatever you need as you search for the outcome that feels most right to you.