Eh, might be immature...

[sho0]

This may be a really immature topic, but I thought I'd give it a shot.

 

Some background...

I've been in my first relationship for a couple of years now... and things have gone well until March (except for a thing in December where he wanted to spend christmas alone playing his videogames instead of spending it with me). Things were really hectic for him around the Feb-March timeframe because he lost his job and the transmission in his car went... all kinds of financial messes. He found a new job where a group of females convinced him to breakup with me. (I'm not positive of why they did such a thing. I don't know them and never did anything to them.) He said some horrible things about and to me, but I forgave him and took him back a week or two later when he changed his mind.

the past few months have been fine up until a couple weeks ago.

 

Last year he got a computer game that we planned on playing together... however he starting telling me how bad I was at playing and such so I grew to hate that particular game.

 

We've had arguments in the past about the game because when he invites me over he's on it and I'm stuck watching him play it from the couch. his television doesn't work so I don't have any other options. I'd rather not drive all the way back home because he lives kind of far (I usually spend the night.). He doesn't get off of it when I ask him to, instead he says:

"Why? So I can sit by you and be bored with you?"

or he tells me that I'm ridiculous for being jealous of a game.

 

So I'm not really sure what to do.

 

He does go on breaks... like he probably hasn't played the game for three months or so, but he just picked it up again.

 

Here's where I got heated up...

 

Earlier this week he suggested that we go out to the movies.

Later he found out that he couldn't afford to go because he still had to pay his phone bill... Instead he invited me over, which is just fine.

Well, when I got there

he was installing the -newly bought- expansion to the game.

 

I don't mean to sound shallow...

It isn't the movie that I'm upset about.

It's that he has other priorities, such as a phone bill, but he just spent $50 on a game.

Not only that,

but he told me he wanted to go to college really badly, but he was upset that he couldn't afford it.

Well, I paid the tuition for him and gave him that opportunity... but I did not buy his books.

Instead he's spending his money on a game.

I feel like I'm going to regret paying for his schooling.

 

I don't know... Am I just being unreasonable?

 

So anyway,

I was pissed off (but I didn't let him know I was) so I told him I was going to take a walk.

About an hour later I was returning back feeling 100x better, when I see him storming out of the house and up to me.

He was PO-ed because I forgot my cell phone and he saw an ambulance come into the neighborhood... He also said something like

"I was worried sick. You can't walk ten minutes without panting, I don't know how you managed an hour"

(which really insulted me since I ride my bike 5 miles a day, and that night I walked three... I'm not out of shape... ... He's a foot taller than I am or more so when he walks fast I have to sort of jog to keep up so I think that's where he got it from? And... there was one time I asked him to take a walk with me... but he ended up walking 20-40 feet ahead of me.)

anyways...

I tried to shrug off his attitude and we went inside.

 

When we got inside he kept glaring at me, so I asked him why he was throwing such a fit? and that it was an accident that I forgot my cell phone. I also apologized for even forgetting it.

He told me to drop it but... I persisted

because his negativity was really bringing me down and I wanted to make it better.

He then started yelling at me and said something like:

"I don't want to hear your tales of woe!"

which, I don't quite understand... I was just asking him why he was so angry with me.

He then said he would feel better in the morning and went to sleep. I stayed up all night thinking... which is never a good thing because it makes me more angry or upset.

 

Because he thinks I blow things out of proportion, he told me I shouldn't talk to my friends about my problems.

which seems to make me break down really easily... and apparently I can't go to him either because he doesn't want to hear it... which leads me to say I really don't know why I'm posting this, I just have to get this off of my chest and have someone listen to me.

 

The other night, after he turned off the game, he called me to say Goodnight.

I hadn't heard from him in two days (that's another thing... If I call him he's always "busy" playing the game so I'm not really allowed to.).

He then said "I love you" before hanging up and I basically denied it...

so now he isn't talking to me at all... I totally regret that.

I called him today (god forbid..) because I was going to buy him a pair of pants, but he was in no mood for speaking to me.

 

-sigh-

 

I don't know what to do.

I remember in March, before he broke up with me, I tried to get him to compromise over something (can't remember what) and he said that he doesn't compromise for anyone.

I guess it's pointless maybe to let the relationship last any longer?

I'm pretty upset by this and don't really want to end it, but I feel like I need to. I'm getting bored with his behavior and his lack of motivation. I don't feel completely satisfied, as if I'm there only for his convenience.

 

I wish I knew how he felt, but he gets so angry while trying to discuss something simple with me.

Does anyone have suggestions for bringing problems up without sounding too accusing?

 

 

Let me know,

am I over reacting?

 

 

 

EDIT: holy crap that was long XD Sorry.

[SarahRose]

Hi shoo.

 

To me it sounds like he is very immature and disrespectful to you. Why exactly are you with him? Seems like he is using you for money as he is too lazy to grow up and be a man.

 

Breaking up with you because someone talked him into it shows he has no spine.

[Hope75]

Hi There and welcome to enotalone!

 

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time, and that this is what brought you here.

 

Reading this post, I can see that you are pretty low on your bf's list of priorities. He seems pretty immature himself, and not really interested in having a relationship with you.

 

I'm not sure what he told you about these girls at his work that "convinced" him to break up with you, but I know that no one could convince my bf to break up with me unless that is what he wanted himself, regardless of anyone's opinion. Wouldn't you agree?

 

He's not making you feel loved, appreciated, valued, or respected. You come all the way over to his house and he'd rather play video games than spend time with you. How does that make you feel?

 

It seems that through this post you have pretty much worked out what you want to do... and I don't hold out alot of hope for this guy changing his ways.

 

He told you he isn't willing to compromise... honey, compromise is a big part of a healthy relationship! He only seems to care about what he wants.

 

Does that sound like a 50/50 fair and even relationship to you?

 

You deserve more than you are getting, but as long as you settle for this, you deny yourself that possibility.

 

What do you think you will do?

[Yvette84]

Dump him!!!!

[Maverick32x]

Dump him!!!!

 

sounds like hes not worth your time and is simply pulling guilt trip after guilt trip... you know that hes simply holding you down... get rid of him, and maybe someday he'll grow up.

[ChicagoGal]

You know what? I had a situation similar to yours... almost identical. Yep, pretty much identical in terms of length and problems.

 

I will tell you this now. I know you probably love him, as I did my boyfriend, but he is acting very immature, and you may not be able to see how immature because of the veil of love... but trust me, if he is still with you now, he won't be for long; and it is NOT your fault.

 

My ex, instead of being obsessed with games, was obsessesed with flight simulators (on the computer). And he broke up with me once because his friends told me to (well, just 1 friend, and I think that friend was jealous because he didn't gave a gf and he sorta liked me... but that's another story!)

 

Anyhow, my bf broke up with me... at 1am, in the airport, after arriving from a 9 hour plane ride from Germany. I should have broken up with him long before. And after the breakup, it took me a REALLY long time to heal. But after speaking with the right kinds of people (smart and witty), they showed me and forced me to realize what an immature jerk I had been dating.

 

And you're dating one right now. Please, don't continue down this path. Because, I am sorry now if I am sounding harsh as I am not intending to, but your relationship probably isn't going to last very much longer.

And it's not your fault! You two are at two different stages. You need to find a man who actually wants to be in a relationship... with something other than his computer, that is.

 

As I have found, there are MUCH better men out there suited for you. And you will almost certainly find one better than your current choice.

 

In my opinion, from my experience, I say get rid of him before dragging yourself through all the motions; face the inevitable now, dragging it on will only hurt so much worse. I hope you realize that I am so familiar with your situation, and once you are without him, after the sadness and anger have passed, you will feel so much better and find someone who is the same stage of life as you are. (although maybe the whole sadness/anger thing is just me because I got dumped).

 

I hope this helps and let us know how things go!

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome to ENA!

 

Well you certainly titled this thread right! The fact that he has an obsession which is causing you to feel bored and left out is a good cause for concern and you did the right thing in posting here. Now to address some issues. Whether your BF is playing a video game, computer game or just messing around on the net while you are there, you are feeling left out. He seems to do what he wants and when. It sounds like he almost alienated you on purpose and belittled your playing ability so you would no longer share his passion to play that game. In other words, he is trying to create some "free time" away from you and would rather not have you as a front row seat spectator.

 

He seems very manipulative and I have a hard time believing the "girls" at his job twisted his arm to dump you. It sounds like he is the master of excuses and is lost in his own selfish ways.

 

Spending $50 on a game versus taking you out? That pretty much says it all, his emotional investment in this relationship is at best "pocket change" and his financial commitment to the relationship is darkened by his priorities and addictions to what he really wants to do. There are many computer, football and gamer widows out there, so you are not alone. You need to express to him your desires to spend quality time with him and if is incapable of this, well then...game over, move on.

 

RC

[DN]

If you are unsure about dumping him then I suggest you tell him that you want to talk with him about the relationship because you are unhappy and want to try and fix what you see as the issues. Tell him that you are also willing to listen as well as talk so that both of you get a chance to negotiate and compromise. The talk should be honest and open but free from anger and yelling. It is important that both of you listen as well as talk and try to see each other's point of view.

 

If he won't do that then you should reevaluate whether you want to be with him.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I can't believe you were able to afford his tuition!! Most people can't even afford to pay for themselves to go to college!!!!! You know you should have let him take out a loan or something...afterall he's not your husband or anything.....

[sho0]

wow, fast replies...I thought it'd take a couple days... Thank you for taking your time to read + respond.

 

I'm going to try to talk to him about it again. If he blows me off then I'll... somehow manage to dump him

Would it be wrong to stay with him until I find someone else? LOL!

 

 

I'm with him because, well, usually I really enjoy spending time with him, but sometimes he gets this way. I read something from Men are From Mars Women Are From Venus that makes sense...

that maybe he just wants some time for himself and that I should leave him alone.

 

ChicagoGal -- thank you for sharing your story and advice... I keep re-reading it and it's definitely something to consider. Especially your thought on us being at different stages.

I've also considered that maybe he is just too comfortable in the relationship?

 

Btw...

He quit that job awhile ago, but as for the females who convinced him --

I know they did because I, unfortunately, spied on him (& them).

It's funny he would listen especially since one was cheating on her fiance and it was that particular female that started it... my suspicions as to why is based on an "endowment" contest the males had in which he supposedly won -sigh-.

(Walmart, Nightshift. -shakes head-)

Anyways,

that part is over, except for some of my lingering jealousies (long story)... what a mess it was.

 

 

I do agree that his priorities are a little messed up and that he is immature.

I've talked to him about that before and he told me that I was more immature and naive than he is because I

"still live with mommy and daddy"

It's been a long time since I brought that up, but yeah...

And for the record, I like living with my family. I'm only 19.

 

 

I thank you all for your input.

 

 

I'll try to talk to him when I get the guts to sometime tonight.

 

 

 

Oh, and as for the tuition...

I have a scholarship that pays 100% of my tuition (high gpa), so I figured he could use the money. I have a couple jobs. I don't like the idea of taking out loans because then you have to pay it back + some. I'm letting him pay this back whenever, if ever. It wouldn't be too big of a loss to me since there is nothing materialistic that I want. I just bought my dream car so I'm good for awhile.

He may not be my husband, but I really care about him. His family doesn't approve of college and so they wouldn't help him out.

He's too lazy to fill out a Financial Aid Form... -shakes head-

[now_better]

never ever EVER give somebody money when they are perfectly fit to go make their own money. i mean is this guy physically disabled? i'm sorry if i'm sounding harsh, but people who are fully capable of making money and that resort to having to rely on other people pisses me off. by giving them money, you're actually becoming part of the problem and not the solution. for people to come out of these slumps, they need to see the problems for themselves. he's in denial right now. he doesn't think he needs to work, he can just play games. i know people like this, it's not healthy. you should not encourage it. you should let him wallow in his own self-pity until he finally decides to make a change because the only real changes people make in life are changes that they want to make.

 

you worked for that money, you went somewhere, you got a job, you spent time doing something you didn't have to. you can certainly give it away, it's your money, but not to a worthless cause like this. he does not seem motivated to work hard in school.

 

about the games. that sounds like me. online games can become a very unhealthy addiction if not controlled just like any other addiction (gambling, drinking, etc). again, he needs to realize that himself that real life > games.

 

there are a couple of items that disturb me from what you wrote:

a) he broke up with you on advice from co-workers. that would very much make me question what i was getting involved in where someone is so weak and so willing to throw something away that you value so much.

b) he doesn't compromise... HELLO?! what world does he live in? come on, life is about compromise, relationships are about compromise. anything else is arrogant, spoiled, etc. it's not fair and i wouldn't put up w/ that crap.

 

with all the above said. i would write him a letter letting him know how you feel and that you're at a crossroad in the relationship. personally, i don't think he's going to make any significant changes in his life until you leave him. to be fair to the guy though, i would give him a chance to redeem himself if you really love him and tell him that if it was meant to be, that you can try again in the future.

[Pippa]

Hi Sho0, I would really recommend that you think about your relationship. Can you imagine it improving at all.

 

I think you deserve, a man that pays you a lot more attention than your current man.

 

He`s too much in love with his video games!

 

He`s telling you not to talk to your friends!

 

He`s trying to control you too by not letting you out of his sight!

 

Sounds like a control freak to me. Relationships should be fun. He should be romancing you, and treating you right. If he couldnt afford to take you to the movies, then he could have at least though of hiring a video, or DvD out.

 

Yeah, you`re right. He`s immature, and very self indulgent. I think its time to leave, and find a man that treats you right.

[Hope75]

Let us know how it goes when you talk to him, OK?

[ChicagoGal]

The others are right, I should have probably told you to talk to him first, not just dump him.

 

Do talk to him. I went on my own experiences, and talking to him didn't help. As I believe I am remembering correctly, you tried to talk to him and he just called you immature? That's what my ex did. He put a negative spin on everything did, and imagined that I was always somehow ''out to get him'', which couldn't be farther from the truth; I think his friend put ideas in his mind.

 

Anyhow, I just remember doing anything and everything I could to make our relationship better... and it ended up with me sacrificing a lot so we didn't get into arguments and him not changing whatsoever.

 

I really do think you two are in different stages, as I know you thought as well. And I think that the ''comfort'' you mentioned could be true, but it might also be boredom. And, again, that is not your fault in any way. It's probably just his personality. I think it's the same with my ex... that perhaps he shouldn't have a girlfriend (or at least not one for very long) and should probably never get married unless he plans on changing his ''me'' attitude, because he isn't a good relationship person.

 

Try and talk with him, but he is probably very aware of his behavior (might have even planned it this way), but it will be the last thing he admits to. I know some guys who have actually treated their girlfriends like crap so that their gf will break up with them, and so the man doesn't have to be the ''mean'' one and worrying about the girl getting all emotional on him. It's sort of sick, but it happens more than you would think. I am doubting that he is unaware of his current behavior and that a talk will remedy this.

 

But do talk with him first. And if you do talk with him, and he does change, but goes back to this same attitude... enough said; don't get caught in the repetative cycle.

 

I think you are more deserving, personally. I know someone else mentioned this, but he might be a master of manipulation, as my ex was, but I couldn't see it without a trusted third eye. It doesn't sound like you are blaming yourself, which is good, and I know I keep saying this, but this whole situation isn't your fault. I blamed my relationship problems, and the final disolving of it, on myself for a very long time. And I really do want you to know that this isn't your fault and it's not your failure; it's his.

 

I have met so many great men after him. My ex was my first serious relationship, and he was just practice. Now I am familiar with men and I can better cater to them (so to speak). My current relationship progresses beautifully because after dealing with a total jerk for a few years, being with someone with whom I feel I actually deserve is very liberating. I don't think you have ''met your match'' in your current boyfriend and I think the sooner you let him go, the sooner you'll find someone amazingly better suited for you. I hope I am not discouragnig you by suggesting you break up with him. If you feel you shouldn't, well, you stand in a better place to make that call. I just hope you seriously consider the advice all of your ''third eyes'' on enotalone. I think everyone else is right.

 

BTW, I am also 19, so we continue in our similarites lol. Keep us posted!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Oh, and as for the tuition...

I have a scholarship that pays 100% of my tuition (high gpa), so I figured he could use the money. I have a couple jobs. I don't like the idea of taking out loans because then you have to pay it back + some. I'm letting him pay this back whenever, if ever. It wouldn't be too big of a loss to me since there is nothing materialistic that I want. I just bought my dream car so I'm good for awhile.

He may not be my husband, but I really care about him. His family doesn't approve of college and so they wouldn't help him out.

He's too lazy to fill out a Financial Aid Form... -shakes head-

 

Well yes of course you have to pay a loan back plus interest, that's no secret; everybody knows that. And it's his responsibility; not yours.

 

Just because there's nothing you want right now, doesn't mean there's nothing you'll ever need....surgery for instance.....

 

You could and should be investing that money and if nothing else allowing it to accrue interest, until such time as you do need it. How fair would that be to your future husband one day, when you meet him, and he finds that you are unable to contribute to the marriage financially, and the burden is soley on him, because you chose to pay for your former boyfriend's college career?

 

Finally, you are doing your boyfriend no favors by paying for him to go to college. He needs to learn responsibility, and you are creating a situation where you feel he will not leave you, because he is too dependant on you to make ends meet for him.

[RayKay]

I think he takes you for granted and honestly....may not even entirely respect of love you as you need. But....after all, he is getting a free ride from you, you are enabling him and settling for less.

 

I am EXTREMLY concerned you paid his tuition. Yes, it's your money to spend as you wish, but there are much better uses for that money...like saving it for an emergency fund, or for a house. You worked hard for it, and he is basically taking advantage of it. He could of gotten a job to pay for it, or taken out a loan. Honestly, student loans have very decent interest rates and repayment plans. And at least he would not have taken it for granted.

 

In the future, please, PLEASE don't loan or give people money like that, okay?

 

He's not willing to compromise - so what is a "relationship" to him then? All his way whatever his way? Hmm.

 

You deserve better, way better. He is using and abusing your good nature, and you deserve FAR better than that.

 

You are not overreacting, you deserve to be treated like someone special and like an equal partner..because you are.

[sho0]

Thank you all for the responses.

 

We've been talking back and forth, but IDK... I don't foresee a change in him now.

He keeps getting offensive even though I'm not trying to put him on the spot and then he starts calling me names and "making fun" of me for living with my parents (which I chose to do because I don't want to work full time to support myself AND go to college.). I can't get through to him at all, and he just responds in an irrational immature manner.

I got upset after this

then he said

"People like me get jealous easily of people who are much more fortunate."

 

I tried to compromise by playing the game with him again, and it was enjoyable for once. We played for two days.. But now he shows no interest in playing together and tells me he's too busy... and when I call he always says he's busy (as you can hear things exploding and dying in the background, lol).

He says he is playing to catch up with the other members in the guild.

 

He thinks that when we sit together watching a movie, it's the same thing as if he were 5 feet away on a video game... and won't get off of that idea. though lately it's kind of that way... We'll sit together to watch a movie and he doesn't want me "on" him or anything.

I asked him if he was still attracted to me and he totally freaked out that I'd even ask such a thing.

 

ChicagoGal - yeah, I think you nailed this one. Sounds similar. I don't think he's manipulative at all, but maybe ignorant. I can't imagine another female putting up with his behavior. Maybe that's why all of his past girlfriends cheated on him.

And the "me" attitude.. that sounds so much like him!

The first time we broke up I blamed myself and it was miserable.

I know this time around it is definitely not my fault because I've tried to be lenient and really nice... I cleaned his house for him not too long ago thinking that after work he'd maybe sit down with me and appreciate it.

He did thank + hug me... then went on his way to the computer.

Oh and he also said

"You shouldn't have cleaned... now I don't have an excuse to get off of the game."

Then again,

it could be considered my fault for doing too much for him.

 

Like others have said,

it seems like he's taking me for granted.

 

I'm starting now to lose my feelings for him... and I've even become self conscious around him? I thought that was weird... I was at his house the other night and the next morning when I woke up I didn't want him to look at me until I was dressed? LOL.

 

 

Again,

I can't get through to him and communication is a key thing for relationships, so this isn't likely to work... breaking up is easier said than done

 

I'm thinking of maybe showing him my post on here since that way he can't really interrupt me the way he normally would in his bouts of aggressive putdowns. Just so he can see the situation from my point of view without interruption.

Not sure... IDK if he'd flame the message board

 

Thanks again for all of your help.

[redrose85]

I don't know why you are with this guy. Your LOL's seem to be covering up your true feelings. I don't mean to be mean or hurt your feelings, but it doesn't sound like he wants to be with you at all. He's obviously at a very selfish point in his life, and I think he may see you as somewhat of a nuisance. I really hope you dump his butt and be single for awhile. No need to jump from relationship to relationship. Work on yourself and THEN find a good guy who will treat you like the queen you are