A day in the life of...BornToResist

[BornToResist]

One more thing really quick.

 

My ex wanted to watch "knocked up" with me, but I declined. Instead he just let me borrow the movie.

 

It's about this chick who has an unexpected pregnancy and it's a comedy.

 

I'm so happy I didn't end up watching it with him. I don't know what he was thinking. I was so mad throughout the whole movie and cried at the end.

 

I know it was funny, haha blah blah blah, but it was so close to my pregnancy. This guy is a total screwup and she's getting ready for the baby, trying to make it work. He's doing seriously NOTHING. Then finally at the end when she needs him, he steps up to the plate and they live happily ever after. It made me SO ANGRY! That was supposed to be me. I hung in there for nine entire months waiting for my screwup partner to unscrew himself for me. But he never did.

 

Finally he's getting his act together, but it's for the baby...not that that's a bad reason at ALL...I thank my lucky stars that he seems to be changing for the better. But he wouldn't change for me. I thought he loved me and he wouldn't do it for me. Instead he tried to ruin my life. He tried to ruin my delivery by being in there and making sure he got his last name on the birth certificate and naming him Santino or some crap and made me cry a bunch of times. I had to go home to my mom's house and go to court...postpartum depression and infections and hospital visits...

 

I don't know why he would think it would be a good idea to watch that movie with me.

 

Maybe I'm still a touch raw about the whole ordeal. I'm working hard to get over it. I don't talk about it anymore, just vent on here.

 

It still hurts though. And it all could have been different if he would have acted like he cared.

 

Oh wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.

[BornToResist]

I feel like crying.

 

Months went by where I didn't shed a single tear, but lately I've been crying often.

 

I was sitting at my desk and my coworker turned out of the blue and asked me if I got another child support check. She then proceeded to tell me he's probably going to take me back to court to get more time with our son, since he's living so close. On and on about it. I didn't say anything, just kinda looked at her and then at my monitor all shocked like. WHY would you say that? What the hell??

 

I started getting a panic attack so I walked outside and called my ex. I asked him straightout. He said he's not planning on taking me to court at all, not a chance at the moment. He hopes we won't ever have to go to court. I told him what happened and he told me not to listen to what people like her say.

 

I don't even know why I asked him. It did make me feel better though.

 

But honestly, WHY would you say that to a person? If he takes me back to court, is there anything I can do about it??? No! So why should I just sit here worrying about something that may not happen, and if it does, it's out of my hands anyways?? What the hell?

 

I'm pretty upset right now.

 

Friday is my last day. Monday is almost over....one more day closer.

 

Gah.

[BornToResist]

Why do guys always think that a girl's favorite flower is a rose?

 

I like roses. I like them.

 

I don't LOVE them. If I could pick any other flower to get, I'd pick a different flower.

 

I like the sentiment. It's sweet. But it's so cookie-cutter. "Oh she is a female so that means she must really love roses."

 

No.

 

Take a second and ask a girl what her favorite flower is. Then remember it. Chances are, it's cheaper than a rose anyways. And it will mean a whole hell of a lot more if you give that to her. Not just a typical cheesy romantic rose.

[BornToResist]

I am so frustrated right now.

 

I started my new job today. It was great. No reason for frustration there.

 

But my ex called me at work, my first day. I told him not to call me and after work I called him to see if he'd be late or if he wanted to reschedule due to the crazy traffic from the winds and fires, and he said he thought he was the exception. WHAT THE HECK? Then he asked me out to dinner. WHAT

 

I'm so sick of it. I emailed him AGAIN telling what the hell...why is he making me be the bad guy all the time and shoot him down over and over and over...no response yet.

 

AHGUJNRHFEWKJHNUWEHRWUERNFHUHYRF

 

I'm so sick of being bothered. Why can't people just leave me alone?

[BornToResist]

CoSleeping no more....

 

One of my friends said to me the other day that since I let my son sleep with me for so long, she wouldn't be surprised if he kept sleeping with me til he was 10 because it would be so hard to break the habit, it wasn't worth trying.

 

Well I think we proved her wrong. This weekend was sleep training 101.

 

Last night was night #1 in the crib. By himself. He only cried for 10 minutes and then he was out for the night. He slept all the way until 7:30 am without waking once. AND he woke up in the best mood.

 

Naptime today wasn't the first nap in there, but it was the first nap since it was his bed. Another success. Cried for a few minutes but slept for a solid 2 hours.

 

Tonight was night #2. We had a pretty big day and after bathtime, instead of playing for an hour or so like usual, he crawled up on me and started to fall asleep. I carried him off to his room and once we got in there he protested quite a bit but there was no standing in his crib crying for me. I put him in his bed, rubbed his head a minute and out I went. And he was down for the count. Still is actually.

 

This might seem like yet another tiny minute thing for a lame parent to brag about, but I love proving people wrong. Especially in the parenting department, since I don't know a darn thing about it.

 

Against all advice of parents and doctors and onlookers, I let my baby sleep in my bed for an entire year. 13 months actually. I felt it was right for us. We bonded and it was great. And all those people who shook their head and thought I was silly or flat out stupid for letting it continue and I was building bad habits, I proved them wrong. I LOVED my son sleeping with me but it's time for him to sleep by himself, and he did it. We did it. Go us.

 

Yet another lesson in nobody knows a goshdarned thing about parenting anybody elses kids.

[BornToResist]

I should be doing homework.

 

but I'm not.

 

Instead I'm trying to convince myself NOT to go shopping or go to the gym. So I'll waste all my time being on the computer instead. Silly silly girl.

 

So I'm going to do a little update-a-roo.

 

My son is 13 months old. He is amazing. He is not walking, but he's talking like crazy. Two days ago he said "marble." What? He looked at a picture of a marble and said marble. What a strange word to say. He constantly surprises me with the stuff that comes out of his mouth.

 

I'm good too. I'm working full time at a different job closer to home than when I was preggers...I have gone through 3 or 4 daycares and finally found one I like, but it's on the completely opposite end of town that anything else is on so that sucks. I still live at home with my mamma but I'm going to school now so I can support myself fully.

 

Sometimes I look back and think how dumb it was to do everything I did when I was younger. If only I had gone to school then. So much easier. Now I have a son who demands every spare second of my time, I work full time and trying to juggle schoolwork SUCKS. Most times I put him to bed and am up at like midnight trying to get all my crap taken care of and gotta get the monster up and ready and get out of the door by 7:30 at the latest. It makes time go by in a flash. Seriously, I know what this whole "blink of an eye" thing is they talk about.

 

Oh yeah, I am trying to fit in going to the gym like any spare second I have. I LOVE to work out, I'm totally addicted now. Sometimes I feel like a hamster on a wheel, so I have a jogging stroller and it's sunny and perfect where I live so we're out and about quite a bit.

 

You know what's cool...my ex takes up 0% of my time now. Well, more realistically like 3%. It's getting so much better now that the little one is getting older. He moved closer to us which turned out to be an excellent thing. He never misses visits, occasionally he'll reschedule but it's very polite and he asks me way in advance.

 

He sees the little one pretty much every other day (M W F & every other Saturday) and my son absolutely loves his dad. He pulls up on the driveway and we can hear his car...I look at my son and say "guess who's here!" and he starts looking around and moving this way and that way and we answer the door and he shoots his hands up in the air in excitement. I LOVE it. He basically jumps at his dad and turns and waves "bye bye" to me and off they go. We're polite to each other so it's not half bad. For the next few hours I cram to get my stuff done, and then he comes and drops the little one off. He does the same thing with me if he's not too tired. He dives at me and turns and waves "bye bye" to his daddy. It's so great.

 

You know, the reason I came on this site is because of all the crap that guy was putting me through and then I put myself through months of torment for having a child under "these circumstances." Everybody gives the impression that my life was going to be horrible and unbearable or whatnot, but they are so wrong. I love that little boy. And I love that that little boy loves his daddy. My son has a father who loves and cares for him, he's made sacrifices for him. I honestly can't complain. Actually, I could complain but I'm not going to. There is just too much good in my life at the moment.

 

I do know that my ex will be a jerk again. I know he will get on my nerves or do something I consider is wrong or whatever. But truth be told, he's trying. And succeeding. That boy is better with my ex around.

 

Now he's not completely stable on the other hand either. He hasn't been clean all that long, he doesn't have a place for a little boy to live, etc. But he's doing excellent compared to where he started.

 

Well that's all for now, I gotta go do homework...

[BornToResist]

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

[BornToResist]

I hate watching the news. There is always some horrible depressing story on.

 

I watched it. There was a horrible, depressing story on it too.

 

There was a multiple shooting in a house a couple hours away from here...a father came into a house and shot the mother and grandmother of his five year old son...then shot his son to death before turning the gun on himself. The two women are the only ones still alive.

 

It gives me chills.

 

I know the world can be cruel but some things I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around.

[BornToResist]

I feel like I did when they put me on depression medicine.

 

I don't know why, nothing is really wrong at the moment. My son's dad and I are getting along wonderfully, my living situation is stress free (with the exception of me freaking out all the time about stupid stuff), I have a stable job, my kid is great, and I'm doing really well in the financial department.

 

I think that's what gets me the most...before I had all these reasons to feel less than happy. But now I don't. I'm a little stressed about my first sememster at school wrapping up but I have solid grades too.

 

I don't know what is up with me. I feel like crying all the time. I want to call in to work and sleep all day...I have to fight the urge to just stay in the house all day...I feel out of control. When the truth of the matter is I'm perfectly in control.

 

I do have a problem with time. I am finding it hard to accept how fast time is flying by. I think that's normal though, especially when I have so much going on.

 

But I don't see that as a reason to feel all these things. Yeah I could be bummed about it but not feel like this. I take everything so personally, I always doubt myself, I'm really becoming self conscious. That isn't like me at all...I'm a very bubbly easygoing person.

 

I don't want to go back on that medicine, it made me hold onto a bunch of weight.

 

I DONT KNOW.

[BornToResist]

I'm stressed OUT.

 

I have my first final tomorrow. I'm so nervous. I feel like I forgot how to study. I played hooky today to study and am just...distracted. Really distracted. My son is at daycare and I'm still distracted.

 

I went and talked to a councelor today. It was pretty overwhelming. I have so many classes ahead of me. It's like looking down a path where you can't see the end and you are right at the beginning. I am taking two classes during the summer. Should be a heavy eight weeks. I don't know how I will continue to work full time and go to school. I mean I could do it but it would take me a few years longer to get everything done. I just wish there was a way that I didn't have to work too. But right now that's not an option which is unfortunate. Turns out that since I enrolled in classes straight out of high school while my education didn't mean anything to me, I'm going to have to work extra hard and take extra classes to get my GPA up to even consider going after what I want. But you live and you learn, right?

 

I have all these classes added too but I have yet to pay my fees. They're a hefty dent in my checkbook waiting to happen, not to mention all the books. But money is okay at the moment I just dread the day that there isn't any in there.

 

Ahhhhhh I need a break. I am stresssssing myself out. I think it's a good time to pick the little one up and go to the park or something. Some place I can't spend any money to try and make myself feel better.

 

Wow, that was such a bummer post.

[BornToResist]

Today is Mother's day. Honestly it was better than Christmas for me.

 

My mom got me a videocamera. I have been upset that I don't have any video's of my son's first year because I couldn't afford it/won't spend the money on myself. So many memories have happened this past year too. I never got any shots of my son when he was itty bitty and couldn't really move, or his first smile, the way he'd turn over on accident because his head was way too big for his body and he was so off-balance. I don't have any video of the way he crawled or his first steps. Time is just flying by and he is still wobbly when he walks but he's getting better by the day but luckily now I can get some videos when he's still doing that awkward toddler stomp/walk/fall thing he does.

 

My ex and I went out to lunch with our son and he also got me something pretty awesome. I'm so happy things are going well.

 

I got my mother the best mother's day gift I ever have and then took her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant. My brother was supposed to show up sometime during the day but she left him a message saying we were going to be out at so-and-so and we'd be home later. Just as the waitress was seating us he slid in the booth next to my mom and wrapped his arms around her before she even noticed he was there. He ate with us and then picked up the check to treat us which was so thoughtful.

 

My dad called and wished me a happy Mother's day. I don't even remember the last time I talked to him. It was still pretty uncomfortable because he's just a strange guy sometimes but it was nice of him to take the time and call me.

 

It was a pretty perfect day.

 

[BornToResist]

School is so freaking hard. I remember why I don't like it!

 

My first class was a good one. But I didn't get the grade I wanted. I still got a very satisfactory grade, but I hate to say I'm a little disappointed.

 

This is going to be much more challenging than I hoped.

 

The next semester has been released to us so I can see what's expected of me in my next classes and it's safe to say that it's A LOT. I'm taking almost twice as many units as I was taking last semester and in half the time.

 

Hello frustration.

 

But ya know, I am kinda excited. If I can handle this, I can surely handle the semester after that one, and after that one....

 

...right?

[BornToResist]

I am finally back to my pre pregnancy weight. Finally.

 

For the past few months I have been weighing myself obsessively and hitting the gym all the time. The past week or so I haven't done either and I dropped those nasty few pounds that were stuck to me. My after preggo tummy has faded away as well. I'm pretty excited.

 

To celebrate, I chopped off all my hair. Needed a change I guess.

 

Yay.

[BornToResist]

Mom post.

 

Okay so my son is fighting with me about everything. It is getting so frustrating! Things were so smooth for so long. I have a feeling that something is wrong like another ear infection or maybe teething so I'm going to make a dr appointment tomorrow just in case.

 

But I think most of it is the lack of communication ability. He starts off trying to tell me something, saying his words that I don't understand, and when he sees that I don't understand what he's saying he goes to pieces. Full on tantrum.

 

He will no longer 'help' me put on his shoes and socks or changed. It's a war. Will fight tooth (literally) and nail when brushing his teeth...he runs over to tables and knocks everything over and is hysterical about everything. He won't eat what I make for him, only wants his snack foods. Even bedtime which was wonderful is a fight now.

 

I'm exhausted.

 

And, even better, his dad picked him up today and I told him NO SNACKS only good food if he feeds him and warned him that he had been having a hard day and won't eat anything I make. He said "seems fine to me" which was when I kinda bit his head off. I was already on edge just a bit. And when he brings him home he says he was a perfect angel for him. And he was eating by the handfulls. I know that's normal, I KNOW in my brain that it's normal. But then in comes the thoughts that "oh he's going to love his dad more than me and guys like guys, not girls blah blah blah" ridiculousness kicks in. He drives away and bedtime is like pulling teeth. ARG! (His dad was really nice, he called me later and asked if I was okay and assured me that I'm doing an excellent job as a mommy...wha)

 

I don't know. I know everyone has their hard days but this one was extremely tough. I turned on that show with the couple who have twins and then octuplits or whatever they are called to show myself that I'm being a baby. Maybe I am.

 

I'm going to feel so terrible if it ends up being an ear infection or something. He had one a couple of weeks ago and finished all his medicine but sometimes they don't go away or they will switch to the other ear. He has them so much. That mommy-sense is kicking in telling me he's not just a pill, there is something wrong. I'll feel bad thinking he's just a little punk when really he's in pain.

[BornToResist]

Have you ever been really upset that you were right?

 

So many people would be so pissed if they knew what I was writing.

 

My sons dad has been a really great guy as of late. Like, really great. I was almost convinced he was different. *Almost.* He has been helping out so much, doing things for me, trying to make my life easier. I didn't jump back into a relationship with him or anything but I had been hanging out with him a little bit here or there. Then it got a little bit more, and a little bit more. He seemed so great but I knew not to be "wooed."

 

It's hard doing the single parent thing. Nobody said it was going to be easy and I never complain about it because I knew dam well what I was getting myself into. It was going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. And it is. I love my son and I wouldn't change anything but jeezus is it freaking hard.

 

And then my son's dad shows up. All caring and crap. All "I'm going to a therapist" and "I know it's too late for us but I have changed...I know it doesn't matter anymore to you but it's best for my kids" and being all nice. He surprised me a lot. I was so happy with the way things were going. And doing all this hard single mom stuff, it was especially nice to have a hand all the sudden. Woah, this burden isn't so heavy anymore.

 

Then it started again. He started getting kinda clingy, asking me questions, etc. I can't explain a lot of it. It's like since he already pulled me through his mess of crap and brokenness, I see the same patterns that I ignored for so long. It's really disappointing.

 

He'll be nice and ask me to do something or go somewhere with all the kids and friends we know and I'll politely say no and he'll keep asking me. Or I'll even tell him that I have homework and I would like to do this but I just can't. And then when it comes up, he asks "oh so what time should I get you?" and pout and throw his fit when I say NO I'M NOT GOING.

 

I'm so disappointed. People don't change I guess. Or they do but not by much.

 

The worst part is when things are good, the uses the kid card. Says things like "oh look at him, don't you think he'd like it if both his parents eventually got back together?" or "wouldn't it be nice to have it so he doesn't have to be bounced back and forth between houses?" and that cuts me to the core. Yes I'm sure that technically it is a better idea for a child to live with both mom and dad. But not our kid. I don't want to put him through that! I don't want him to live with a controlling father and a terrified, weak mother! If I was a kid I'd rather live with two HAPPY parents, even if they lived in different houses.

 

You know what? He's already talking about moving again. He's moved like five times since my son has been born. He's not even a year and a half yet. That's not good for a kid. HOW ABOUT YOU GO UNSCREW YOURSELF BUDDY!!!

 

Ah.

 

I'm so saddened.

 

But on a happy note, I have changed. When he throws his temper tantrums I don't get worried or buzz around asking "what's the matter? what'd I do? what's going on?" I just say what I feel and if HE CHOOSES to be upset by how I am, let him. He can go pout in a corner. Go cry to your mommy. I DON'T CARE. I have a child to worry about, and he's still in diapers. He's not some grown man pouting because he didn't get his own way. Geez.

 

Oh yeah my point was that I have changed. My son comes first. Then school because school=future. Anything after that can wait. And I see the signs and pay attention to them. I don't ignore them anymore like some brainless girl who tries to please everyone above herself anymore.

 

I am no longer a doormat. I passed the test I guess.

[BornToResist]

My son is sixteen months old today. I have no idea where the time has gone. He is full-fledged toddler. He always was active, but it has NOT gotten any better. He runs everywhere, he falls, hurts himself, gets frustrated that he can't always be understood, and he is just all over the place, all the time. Slamming doors, running away from me, throwing things and then saying "uh oh" or begging to watch elmo. Where is my little baby? He is built like a little boy, he acts like a little boy. It's really really fun but kinda sad too...there's nothing I can do to slow this down. Just rewind once really quick, just once. Just give me my tiny little baby so I can watch it all over again one more time.

 

He has another ear infection. Today was CRAZY! I had the gut mother instinct yesterday that he had an ear infection. The doctor didn't open until 9am and I was standing outside his office door by the time he unlocked. He wasn't that miserable yet but I had to make sure I caught it before it got any worse. He saw me first even though I didn't have an appointment. My son HATES the doctor. Whenever he sees him or hears him talk he has these gigantic alligator tears pouring down his face and screams at the top of his lungs. But all was okay, got his prescription and we were off.

 

After getting that filled and giving him his first dose and making him lunch, I left him with my mom to go take my midterm for two hours. It sucked towards the end because I started feeling extremely exhausted. And that was "nap time" so any chance I had to crash out during the day was being spent at school. Bummer!

 

When that was finished I rushed home and picked up the tot. I had a friend's daughter's baby shower to go to and somehow I ended up running it. I'm very outgoing and have no problem rounding people up to play those stupid games and making a fool out of myself to get everyone to participate but I was just not in the mood. I was the one doing the games, writing down who gave her what, and trying to keep tabs on my son who by the way thought it was awesome that this house was not babyproofed whatsoever. He poured out vases onto the carpet, he tried to eat metallic confetti, stole and hid some stuff, planted his sticky fingerprints all over their windows and walls, pulled on tableclothes, whatever he could get into. It was great. Mhm. And I know he's cute but it's like right in the midst of him grabbing gobs of icing and rubbing it in his hair that these women come up to me and say "wow he's adorable" and I'm thinking "yeah, so cute...why don't you watch him for one second and see how cute he is then." Then off they go to ooh and ahh at tiny shoes and little breakable baby things. I had one of those parties once, seems like a lifetime ago. Babies are so easy...toddlers...aren't. No wonder it's now I lost the rest of my preggo butt.

[BornToResist]

I love summertime. It's my absolutely favorite time of year. The weather is awesome, the clothes become wayyyyyy more comfortable and it's just all around relax-mode.

 

I want to surf so bad. I haven't been surfing since I found out I was preggo I think. That's two years ago now. I know I suck but whatever. The water is calling my name. The saltiness, crisp coolness. There is nothing in the world like being out in the giant ocean on your surfboard. So tiny and minute in the grand scheme of things. Just a speck.

 

I bet I would die just trying to paddle out. My arms are useless when it comes to that. I probably wouldn't even be able to get over the surf my first time out. Oooh the best was those early early morning surf runs. Oh and I had this beater car that the thought of brings back so many memories. Surf racks on top, so much sand all over the inside, but all the necessities in the trunk. Water, towels, leashes, brush, conditioner, extra clothes.

 

Strap the boards on before the sun even came up, stop and get some early morning coffee and drive to like a million spots before you find the one worthy of taking your warm sweatshirt off and diving into that buttcold water for. Mmmm...I am so jonesing. Watch the sun rise, then surf all morning, smoke a big fat bowl over a huge plate of pancakes...ah the days. Maybe not so much the pot anymore for personal reasons but I really need to get in that water! It's so much harder with a little one though.

 

Time is flying and the days are always short but I gotta fit it in. I've been waiting forever it seems for this time of year. The past two summers were pretty much shot due to being preggo and then the court battles kinda consumed me more than they should, but all that is over and done with. It's so hard to believe. I have been through a ton the past few years and managed to make it out okay on the other side. Who would have thought? I'm so different in so many ways yet totally the same. How cliche.

[BornToResist]

My ex boyfriend stopped by. He came over because something to do with my brother. Anyhow, I have been avoiding him for weeks. And then all the sudden he is here.

 

He is an awesome guy. He is a very down to earth, level headed, nice guy.

 

It made me all weird though. I kinda got upset when I found out he was coming over and I don't know why. I don't even know why I wouldn't answer the phone when he'd call. But then here he was. We stood outside and we watched my little one run around like a crazy pants for a few minutes, then he left. I'm not sure why I feel so strange.

 

He was a guy I really enjoyed dating. We broke up because we didn't see eye to eye on certain important things, not because we didn't get along. We got along really well. We just couldn't compromise on certain things. And that sucked but it is what it is.

 

But now I feel like these cool guys just aren't going to be into me anymore. Like any guy who would give me butterflies or make me feel all funny and giddy aren't going to be interested. I have too much baggage now, too many committments, too many things thath would come before a relationship. I'm going to have to settle. I'll have to just deal with a relationship with someone who will do something that will make me feel bad and that will be the best I can get.

 

Blah. I don't know how to handle this new chapter in my life at the moment.

[BornToResist]

I just ruined my pedicure. I hate it when I do that. I'm sitting in my chair and I start messing with my toes and pick off my beautiful nail polish. With flower. Darn it.

 

It is so flipping hot. Summer has hit and I am so excited!

 

I'm going to like three concerts with my ex. Ehhh...bad idea. But they are really really good bands. How could I say no? Answer: I couldn't. So I'm going. In like one week. I have a final a week after that. I make bad decisions sometimes.

 

I am so paronoid of dying. It's excessive. I was sitting in my car at a stoplight today and freaked out. I kinda started panicking, afraid someone was going to hit my car and smash me into an oncoming semi or something. Then I would be laying there, knowing I was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. Knowing that I need to stay alive to take care of my kid but I was going to die anyways and now I'll just be that woman in pictures he calls mom but never really knew because she died in this here car accident and then he would have to live with his dad and I wouldn't get to see him grow up. The light turned green and I was able to get into the parking lot and park. Then I kept thinking I was going to die of cancer because I had this funny skin patch on my arm that tingles. But then I figured out it is just the way I have been holding my son for the past year and it is causing me stretch marks on my forearm and I'm really not dying of cancer at all.

 

The end.

[BornToResist]

Eyyy. I have to tell somebody.

 

Today was my night with my kid uninterrupted. We had fun but then were going out shopping. My ex (kids dad) called just as I was walking out the door and I told him I'd call him later. After shopping I was driving home and since his house is so close to mine, I decided to drive by to see if he was home and see why he had called me. Plus I like our kid to see him often even if it is just for a second.

 

He was home. I drove all crooked into the driveway because I thought I saw him outside and I wasn't planning on staying long.

 

Yeap it was him out there and looking suspicious. He was totally buying drugs off his roommate.

 

I yelled to him because obviously he didn't see me. He looked a little shocked to see me but then pasted a smile on his face and came walking over like nothing happened. I said "what the heck did I just see? what was that?" and he said nothing. Just kinda gritted his teeth like someone would do when they tripped in front of you and were a bit embarrassed by it.

 

It's not like it's out of character or anything. Obviously I know his past.

 

But the thing that gets me is a while back I could smell pot in his house. It was his day with our kid. I made a deal out of it because I think it is inappropriate. A lot of people might disagree and I don't think smoking pot makes you a bad person, but I don't want my son around it. Especially when he only has him two days a month. And he's the type that if he's dabbling in one thing, he's dabbling in them all. If not right now, eventually. And you know, I'm a parent and I don't want my son around it. Period. It's against the law and that's where I stand. No excuses as to why not, that's just how it is.

 

And yes I drove by unexpectantly. It is his life and he can do whatever he wants with it. But to tell me that he touches nothing and looks down on his roommate for this and that and goes out of his way to make me believe that he doesn't do it anymore. That's what I get upset about the most. He tries to get me back and tell me what he knows I need to hear. He is trying to make me believe he is someone he is not. That's what it is. He did it when we were together. "No I would never do this or that" and turns around and does exactly that. Being a druggie is one thing, but being a lying druggie is another.

 

I don't know why I'm surprised. If I was doing drugs I wouldn't tell him. No freaking way. He'd use it against me in court. Not a chance.

 

But then again, I wouldn't buy drugs from someone in the middle of the day for everyone to see either.

 

I'm frustrated because I can't figure out how I feel about this.

[BornToResist]

I am a do-gooder today.

 

I gave away a ton of old lawn equipment and a couple of tickets to a bound-to-be-great baseball game.

 

I'm on my way to saving the world. Watch out.

[BornToResist]

I am taking a psychology class basically to get my gpa up from what I did to it when I was 18. I started taking a bunch of classes, lost interest, and never dropped them. I already have it up enough to get into the program I want which is several classes away, but the higher the better I see it. So my point is I don't really NEED this class, I kinda just took it because it seemed like an okay idea.

 

But I'll tell ya, I love this class. It is perfect for the point I am in my life. It is developmental psychology, so it's not just about the way people think, it's about how they develop at certain stages in life. It is fascinating to take it as a mother because I see what my son has already done and why, and the developmental milestones he's about to reach.

 

But I've passed the infant stage, the toddler stage, the school age stage and am on to adolescence. And I'm realizing so much.

 

Adolescence is where you develop who you are as a person, what you want out of life, your values, your goals in life, your entire identity. It's crazy. It spans from about 11 to 20 or something and is probably the most important stage in a person's life.

 

I had a lot of crap going on in my life. It's weird how things different even between me and my siblings.

 

The second I really came into adolescence, my parents marriage nose dived. I was on the highest honors list and completely submersed into school. Then all the sudden, wham bam. My hormones were going nuts, I was changing, my dad moved out, my mom was in pieces, money was gone. I became my mother's therapist and my dad disappeared. That's a whole lot to deal with.

 

I got a job the second I was old enough, I think it was 15 and a half. My mom didn't have money to buy me clothes or pay for any expenses so bye bye any sort of school participation. I threw out any hopes of college. My dad thought he was making an effort and would come around every now and again. He would tell me he would give me money if I needed it but he didn't want to give it to my mom to give to me because she was this or that blah blah blah. The second I would come home from being with my dad, my mom wanted to know what happened, what he said to me about her or anything else for that matter.

 

Things were kinda tough.

 

My mom leaned on me a LOT, she thought we were buddies or something. She couldn't get it through her head that the man she was constantly putting down was my father, not just her ex. She cried all day and expected me to cheer her up...she lived through me. She had to get a job but always talked about how scared she was to not have any money so heaven forbid I ask her for anything.

 

I went from this college-bound A+ student, daddy's girl who was the one in the family that was actually going to make something of herself to having nobody. I felt like I had nobody to talk to AT ALL. My brothers were moved out, my mom was a basketcase, and my dad was gone. It felt like it happened all in one week.

 

I remember falling asleep in my history class which was taught my this uptight middle aged man that nobody liked when they first met him. He came over and smacked me on the back and took me outside. He told me that he had already called the principal and campus security was coming to get me because it was obvious I was on drugs with the way I had been acting recently. I broke for the first time since everything happened and started sobbing and told him I was so tired because I couldn't sleep, my dad had moved out the week before and I didn't know what to do. He took me to the school therapist instead and actually hugged me. It was this dorky uptight guy you barely wanted to talk to but he totally sympathized with me. Even though I ended up failing his class....

 

Anyways, money was tight so I got a job. I went to school during the day and worked at night. I bought my own clothes, saved up for prom, gas money, everything I needed. I was never expected to pay any bills or anything but I stressed about them. I constantly heard "I hope the electricity doesn't get shut off" or whatever.

 

So I know it's typical to blame your parents for everything under the sun and that's not what I'm trying to do, but watching these videos for this class makes me realize some stuff. Like maybe those things are the reasons that I'm just now trying to decide what is important to me or my values and who I am.

 

Cause I feel like I have no idea.

 

But then again, maybe everyone feels this way. Maybe I'm constantly changing and I'll never know.

 

I just think the hardest part of it was going from one extreme to the other. Tons of people have worse lives and I had it pretty good, always a stable place to live, etc...but it just flipflopped so rapidly is all.

 

I don't know.

 

I don't know how to get over my issues with my dad. I went to a therapist recently when I was put on meds and he told me I need to talk to him and tell him how I feel. We did this whole little scenario thing and everything. I called him on father's day and left him a message...I emailed him too. He left a message about a week later to ask about my brother and at the end he said "oh yeah and thanks btr for calling me on father's day" -click-

 

*sigh*

 

I know I'm being a little baby about everything.

[BornToResist]

My brother from another state is sleeping in my living room. My sister in law called me on my lunch break and asked if he could stay here. It's not even my house, I don't know why she would ask me. But I said okay anyways. Now he's here. It was funny when my kid saw him, he just ran into my room and peeked out at him. Then he marched up to him, gave him a high five, complete with knuckles. He is very cute. Not as cute when he has so much snot, but still cute nonetheless. I had to give him a bath in the sink though. It actually wasn't that bad. I don't know why I never did that before. I think I will save a lot of time and water if I do that more often. But it's kind of gross I think...so I put a bunch of bleach in it afterwards in case he peed a little bit while he was in there.

 

Tomorrow we go to the ear specialist. I'm terrified. You'd think I was going to the ear specialist for me or something.

 

Maybe he can get off those nasty antibiotics.

 

I was supposed to call this Russian girl from the post office to ask her about home remedies for ear infections but first I forgot, but then when I remembered I got really nervous about calling her. I get some uncomfortable on the phone. Plus sometimes she says things in person that are hard to understand with her accent, I'd probably just feel like a moron asking her "what?" all the time while she's trying to tell me some super secret russian ear infection remedy.

 

Humph.

[BornToResist]

Grrrr....

My son's grandmother (not my mom) asked me last week if she could take him to a theme park nearby. It's not a huge theme park like Disney world or anything but I guess it's fun for the day, although I've never even been there, that's what I've heard.

 

I said sure. Why not just drop him off with her for the day instead of taking him to daycare? We never do this so it might be fun this one time. She had mentioned that she wanted to do some fun things with her other grandaughter and her daughter and maybe she could take my son too. So I thought it would be nice.

 

I dropped him off around 7 something this morning.

I called her around noon. No answer.

I called her around 3. No answer.

I talked to my son's dad. He mentioned how I wouldn't have to rush to pick him up since they would be home later than when I got off work. Okay...news to me. But what time? "oh, around 6 or 7 at the latest."

Finally she calls him around 7. Seriously, this is what he told me. "Well they are either about to eat and are leaving there in an hour or they are leaving now and will be home in an hour, they might eat first, or something."

 

Really. Thanks for clearing all that up.

 

I start calling her more frequently...still no answer. I leave REALLY nice messages for what I was feeling "oh it's just me AGAIN, I talked to your son and I really would like to talk to you since he really didn't give me ANY information on when you will be back, please call me back, THANK YOU, bye."

 

Finally she calls me around 8:10p.m. "Oh finally I can get in touch with you. We are leaving now, we should be home in 20 minutes (ITS WAY FARTHER THAN THAT, I'M NOT STUPID!)...he was so good...and you know what's funny is he only slept for maybe 10 minutes at the most...he's in a great mood though"

My response was "yeah, he's happy now. he won't be once he gets home I'm sure. thanks, see you in 20 minutes, bye"

 

(for the record, my kid takes 3 hour naps every single day. I'm usually at home so he can get a good one, but even if I'm out shopping, he will make my purse his pillow and crash for at least an hour...I have never seen him not take a nap. anyways...)

 

AOWEU

 

45 minutes later she shows up...

The car is full of girls so he didn't get a moment of sleep on his way home. I run out to her car, stand there while she takes him out of his carseat and say "it's bedtime, say goodnight" and we walk into the house. He was so exhausted. The first few minutes he was home he was like, dazed. He snapped out of it though and I got him a bath and off to bed in record time.

 

I can say that I learned a valuable lesson tonight. Do not let your kid go off with someone without setting a definite time as to when I can be at their house and he will be ready to go.

 

And....don't let him go off for the day with grandma. Not only is she impossible to get a hold of at ANY cost, she doesn't put him down for a nap, not even for a second.

 

Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah.

[BornToResist]

Where the heck has summer gone? It is the last week of July already, sheesh. I better get going on all those summer plans I had.

 

School is going to start soon. Blahh. Bummer. I really, really enjoyed these past few weeks. I got a B in my class too...go me. I'd really like to see an A in the mix though...maybe this semester. I cannot decide what to take though for the life of me. Either chemistry or english for my hard class. I'm not so great at time management yet plus I have to work full time so I have to limit my course load until I get better.

 

My son is getting tubes put in his ears a week from tomorrow. I feel good about the idea of the procedure but I am terrified of the actual surgery. It's not supposed to take long and it is very common but this is MY kid. Not normal, not common. They are going to put him under (no needles I guess, just a mask thing or something) but still...I don't like it. It will be nice for him to be off of antibiotics for once in the past year.

 

My son's dad finally got his own place. A two bedroom apartment. I'm so so so happy about it. It's a really great place and even has a little playground outside. I feel so comfortable with it.

 

I don't know if I mentioned it but I was totally wrong about that post earlier where I thought he was smoking pot. SO wrong. He's doing really well in all the spots he was failing in. He's being an excellent father which is all that really matters. He sees our son every other day, he takes notes on all the little things that work for me and actually does things my way. It's amazing. He's going to the surgery with me and heading to work after. He called and asked if he could come.

 

I took my kid to the park today after work and a snack and then started driving a little bit...I found a neighborhood that was absolutely beautiful. I saw a couple lease and for sale signs up and took a gander. The prices are ridiculous. I would be so screwed right now if I didn't have my mom. There is no way I could make it. To rent a house costs $2500.00/month...buying one of those houses (typical run of the mill, everyday 3 bedroom 2 bath) is like $500,000.00.

 

How does a person pull that off????!