A day in the life of...BornToResist

[BornToResist]

I don't know how I weigh what I weigh. I gained like 7 pounds. I feel like crap.

 

I am going to run accross the United States of America starting tomorrow.

 

I hope you are happy, seven pounds. I hope you are happy.

 

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My son is about to turn two years old. I spent about 2 and a half hours making orange cup cakes for his daycare "party" tomorrow. I gotta tell you, February birthdays blow a big one. It's always raining or just bad weather. Next time I will plan for July or August.

 

I have been flipping out for the past 2 months though. When did this kid get so big? TWO YEARS OLD?????! He tells me that the moon is "beautiful." He calls "MOMMY!! COME HERE!!! WHERE ARE YOU MOMMY?!?!?!" He always talks about his gloworm, or markers, or the color pink or orange, or his relatives or how it's windy outside. He can count to like 14 and he always knows what color shoes he is wearing. He tells my dogs to "GO!" or can ask me to drive around because he's not ready to be home yet. He knows that he always wants donuts or pancakes and what the word dinosaurs mean and he wants to read the book "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein every night before bedtime for the past 6 weeks. He likes to "brush" his teeth and he gets excited when anyone knocks on the door. He has loved trains since the day he was born and his favorite colors are brown and orange. (Honestly, whose colors are brown and orange???!) He thinks his nipples are bellybuttons. He is fascinated by rain and will sing jingle bells or happy birthday for 30 minutes NONSTOP. He throws entire cups of water at me while he's in the bath and will deal with a time out if he gets it while doing something he really enjoys, like throwing water, punching someone in the face or not listening. If he is really, really mad, and he's already thrown pillows and toys out of his crib at me, he will try to throw air at me because he is THAT MAD. He jumps everywhere and is okay with holding my hand. He will sing songs really loud into my mouth and rub my face.

 

He was just born. I can't comprehend how he is turning two. Actually, I reject the idea. I refuse to believe he will be two.

[BornToResist]

Okay so that was quick.

 

I hate breaking people's hearts. I hate it. But it's like ripping off a bandaid. You dread it, but you feel that bittery-sting that almost feels good a few seconds later.

 

Gah.

 

I don't think I know how to be happy.

[BornToResist]

A tree cannot grow properly if it is always in the shadow of another tree.

 

Even in the closest of relationships each person at times needs space, that is time to be alone, time to just be. Even as a couple, we are still two individuals and to grow as a couple, we must also be permitted to grow as an individual.

 

I believe that some people get caught up in their romantic view of a long term relationship and believe that soul mates must desire to be with each other all of the time. Often times this thought of being together every moment is perpetuated by the way we initially feel when we make that unique connection with the person whom we view as our soul mate.

 

As a couple it is natural to desire to be with each other whenever it is possible to be together. I believe it is natural for us to desire to share our lives fully with each other and be joined at the hip. The caveat to this is that even while we have a desire to be with each other all the time, we also must understand that there are times when one person or both will need to have time to be alone. This may seem very logical to many who read this, however when one person in a relationship tells the other person that they need to be alone, the other person often feels offended. The offended person’s ego gets in the way, they often feel hurt. They may become concerned as to why the person who they desire with all of their soul has a need to be alone. They ask themselves, what could they have done wrong. Why does he/she not want to be with me right now? If she/he is upset, why doesn’t he/she want me to be with them? Why are they shutting me out?

 

Often times when one half of a couple states that they need to be left alone, it has nothing to do with the other half of the couple. The person does not need to be left alone because of what the other one has said or done. It has nothing to do with how much they love you.

 

Matter of fact, it probably has nothing to do with you at all. Sometimes we simply need to be alone to sort things out, whatever those things are.

 

Unfortunately, this is not what the other person sees when they hear from the one they love that they want to be left alone for a while. Their ego gets bruised and they take the other persons need to be alone as an affront to them and in doing so, insist on not allowing the other person to have some space without first grilling them as to why they need their space. This grilling in turn upsets the person who needs space and creates a bigger problem then first existed which often escalates into a disagreement, hurt feelings, etc.

 

Not allowing another person to have their space is often spurred by insecurity.

 

This insecurity is a by-product of the ego. Our ego loves to be control and the moment it is not in control, our ego begins to fabricate all kinds of thoughts and feelings that are not healthy, such as resentment, jealousy, etc.

 

When our significant other expresses that he/she needs some space, needs some alone time, the loving thing to do is to back off and permit that alone time. We must allow the person whom we love so dearly to have the time they need with the understanding that their need to be alone is not a personal attack against us. When we allow this alone time from a state of love, then we do not feel threatened by it and the other person does not feel guilty for needing to have alone time. This allows the alone time to be a positive experience for each person in the relationship which in the end will serve to strengthen the relationships rather than diminish it.

 

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[BornToResist]

My best friend is a boy. We dated two years ago, I posted about him before. He had a gf of like 6 years who he cheated on with me. Big mistakes all around. Naturally, they broke up. He came knocking on my door and I told him no for once. (I never cheated on any boyfriends with him, but obviously I wasn't the most moral person either.) Ever since that day, we have been inseperable. I think we both realized that we are the only ones who honestly know what the other one is thinking or needing or whatever. He's always been a constant. I realized he is truly always been my best friend.

 

Now he's moving to another state. I'm starting to understand just how lost I'm going to be without him.

[BornToResist]

I have a serious crush. SERIOUS.

 

Every time I talk to the guy, I turn into the babbling idiot. It's not that I just keep talking, but I sorta studder and pick the wrong words to say. I literally blush when I'm by myself in my room talking to him on the phone. As soon as I leave or hang up it's one of those embarassing moments like from TV...I feel like smacking my forehead and start talking to myself about how big of an idiot I am as I pace the floor.

 

"DUMMY DUMMY DUMMY...did you REALLY have to go into THAT? A simple, 'yeah sounds good' would have worked...GOOD JOB!! please if I can just be invisible for a while...GOD AHHHHHHHHH"

 

 

Ah...romance...

[BornToResist]

I went to pick up my son from a visit with his dad & grandparents, and his dad asked me to drive him home for a reasonable reason. We have been getting along really well and even planned to do a couple things together.

 

As soon as we pull up, he asks me if I've been with someone else...I say yes, I was seeing someone...he asks if we were intimate...I look blankly at him. It's none of his business but this guy is kinda unpredictable especially if he gets upset. I haven't seen that side of him in quite a long while, but I don't believe he's gone. I ask if we really should be discussing this with our 2 year old looking at us from the backseat. He starts talking about it, I tell him I'm not going to lie to him (because, yes, I had a boyfriend for a couple of months), and he begins to silently freak out. Like putting his head down or holding his head and acting funny...our son OBVIOUSLY felt it. He starts saying "daddy, daddy..." who then proceeds to get out of the car after a few more words and give this long winded goodbye to our son. By this time our kid is VERY upset, yelling "daddy NO..no daddy! daddy! daddy!" I called out to my ex because I was confused and put on the spot and he acted like I tore his heart out...I told him I did nothing wrong and we're not together...he says he's been living in a fantasy land apparently and never thought this day would come...I drive off.

 

I get home with my son and he's shaken. I don't know what he can pick up because he's so so young still, but he was upset. Throwing fits, hitting me, crying...

 

I feel like the most awful person in the world. And I don't even think I did anything wrong....

[BornToResist]

I've always thought that I prefer the least amount of drama possible, but I think I might be making things seem bigger than they actually are.

 

My son's dad is after me again...actually I'm not sure if he's ever stopped pursuing me. It's almost been 3 years since our romantic relationship started declining. Still he is always there. It's not like he's constantly bugging me, but he's always letting me know that he's here...waiting for me to love him.

 

But I'm seeing someone. I like the guy...I do. But this crap with my ex always clouds my heart and mind. It jolts me back into the broken heart phase of our relationship and I'm secretly still wondering if we could ever work it out and become a family. It's been two years since he's cleaned up and held a job and a steady place to live all on his own. He's been a great father with the occasional total screw up which is actually the only thing I end up writing about...I just wish it would flop one way or the other. After everything I still don't feel completely over my ex. Is it even being "over" him or is it just a whirlwind of emotion from the dramatic situations we always find ourselves in?? I don't know what I feel about him.

 

I dated one guy who seemed really great, but he started making my ex look REALLY good. I kept thinking about him and thinking about him...and after that guy turned into a strange one (I had to block his number, his email address at my work, and I just checked my email and there's one there...his mom's been contacting me, everything...3 months of dating...weird) I really started missing my ex.

 

Now I'm seeing a really great guy who has his crap together and likes me, and lately all I see is how many ways he's not my ex...all the things my ex and I had in common that this guy and I don't.

 

I'm not trying to be dramatic or complicated. I want to be over my ex. I'm dating for crying out loud. What else can I do to get myself completely over this guy??

[BornToResist]

Why hello...

My name is I-like-to-complicate-my-life-any-way-I-can.

 

Nice to meet you.

[BornToResist]

I don't think I can date a guy who does any drugs whatsoever.

 

The guy I'm seeing smokes pot. I don't think there is anything wrong with smoking pot. I personally don't do it for several reasons.

 

I got WAY out of hand. I started smoking weed at first and I'm not bringing up the "gateway" drug argument, but I liked it so much I was doing it all the time. It was a habit for me. One that did me no good. One that kept me happy in the little box I had created and crawled into. That is not a place I want to be again. Go to work, come home, smoke a bowl, go to sleep. I have more work to do in my life. I need to build my career, which requires pretty much all coherent hours to be dedicated to studying.

 

Secondly, I tried and tried again pretty much any drug I could get my hands on. Pills, powders, plants, whatever. I liked it a whole lot. It was a bad life that I lead, but I liked drugs. I would probably still like drugs if I tried them again. People do them because it makes you feel good for a certain period of time.

 

So, while spending time with this fabulous gentleman and starting to be desensitized to his weed smoking habits, I find myself daydreaming about the good times I had while intoxicated in all different ways. He never smokes it around me, but I can smell it a mile away and it makes my mouth water. He talks about hanging out with his friends and smoking a joint or whatever...this and that. No big deal really. But I find myself going to a place I don't want to go.

 

*sigh* I really like this guy. But I see myself wanting to go in bad directions after only a couple months. How would I be if things really got serious?

 

Hm....

[BornToResist]

Either I'm really mature or totally jaded.