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A day in the life of...BornToResist


BornToResist

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Where shall I begin? So much has happened. I have to get my whole story out. I want to have it in one place so I can go back and read it all. So I can realize that he is so wrong for me. I need to remember everything.

 

I used to be a drama-free kind of girl. Honestly, it's true.

 

But then I met..."R". He flipped my life upside-down, back-wards, and sideways. We had some good times, but they were not worth going through what I am right now.

 

Boo-hoo, poor me. No, I don't want to just complain, I'm just in a rough patch I guess.

 

I'm 22 years old. I'm pregnant. I'm single. I never though my life would be like this. I always dreamed of a wedding, husband, house, nursury, etc. sometime in the FAR future. But that's not meant for me. Not now anyways.

 

I did drugs, the more the better. Anything I could get my hands on, but meth was my favorite, and weed was a nightly thing. I got into trouble. I liked the "bad boy." I wanted freedom and I wanted to be on my own. He gave all that to me. He treated me well, but yeah, I guess I settled a little bit. I liked that danger that he had...something I grew up watching my brother and his friends go through, thinking "I want a man like that!" Boy, was I off-base.

 

Anyhow, we dated for 2 years, and things were good. Then he lost his job so we had to move, and he had nowhere to go. We stayed at his friends house for a little while, but I couldn't handle the town we were in. Think Twighlight Zone. There's something wrong with that place. He started staying in a motorhome but I couldn't hang, so I went and lived at my mom's. He never forgave me.

 

I saved up all my money and got us into an apartment. The day I went and looked at it I was SO excited because it was really the first thing I've ever done on my own. He comes by and looks it over and says "I guess it's better than a motorhome..." And that was the decline of what I thought was a great relationship.

 

We moved in, and things were never right. I realized it was because he was hanging out with his ex, so he felt guilty and would take it out on me. I felt something was wrong, so I would try to figure out what came between us, and we would fight constantly. He just wasn't the same anymore, but I was. I couldn't understand what the problem was.

 

I came home one day and there was a note from his ex-girlfriend in the door. My stomach dropped. She wasn't supposed to know where we lived. I asked him specifically not to tell anyone where we moved to. But she knew. How many times had she been there before when I wasn't around? When work was slow for him and I had to pull overtime to make rent? Any security I had was taken away. I cried but then became numb before he came home.

 

He opened the door and said "hey baby, whats....wrong..?" I broke up with him and told him to leave. I showed no emotion. He just looked at me and took a shower. I knew it wasn't so simple. He came out and hell broke loose. After screaming at me and accusing me of sleeping with everyone on earth, he left. I cried some more, took pills and passed out. He came and woke me up at 2am to tell me how sorry he was, and he had nowhere to go so could he please sleep on my couch. I said fine. He told me he went to his ex-girlfriend's house to ask her why she came over and she wanted to call me to tell me nothing was going on but he thought I would just freak out. I just rolled over and he left.

 

The next day my car broke down in the middle of the worst part of town. I got it fixed but work was over by the time I got home. He was there waiting for me. He said he thought he was going to come home to find all my stuff gone and it was the worst day of his life. He told me that he loved me so much and was so sorry and she wasn't worth it. He asked if there was anything he could do to make me change my mind. I told him the only thing he could do was go back in time and not lie to me. He said he will stop all contact with her even if I decide to be without him because he can't live with himself.

 

After a couple hours of begging, I took him back. We conceived our child.

 

Things were okay for about a month. Then I told him my period was late. 5 days. Not normal. Maybe stress? I drove to the store at 10pm to get a test. I got home and he said no matter what happened, we were going to be fine.

 

Positive. The second line showed up immediately, darker than any other line on that stupid stick. This can't be right. He came in and held me. He called his mom and told her I was pregnant, and she was so excited. He told his best friend and he said "this is a good thing, don't worry." I called my mom. She said "You know what you have to do. You know you don't want this..."

 

The next morning I took that second test. Still can't be right. I even called the number on the back of the box to make sure I was reading it right. I called my doctor and got in the next day. They told me for sure. I got home...nobody there. I called my brother, he was happy for me. Got off the phone and still...by myself. No phone calls about what happened at the Dr., nothing.

 

A few hours later "R" shows up. He has a dog with him. A dog that he bought when he and his ex girlfriend were together. A dog he got from going to her house that day. The day I went to the doctor to make certain I am in fact pregnant with his child. Then the tears came...

 

He couldn't understand why I was so upset. He said it was just a dog. He asked what I wanted to do. I told him I'm keeping it and he cried. He cried all night before passing out. That's what he does when he's depressed, he disconnects.

 

The next morning I left for my moms and told him he better have that dog out of the house immediately and I better not even catch a wiff of dog of ever see one dog hair. He complied. I left.

 

By the time I got home, the place was spotless. We went outside. He told me he wasn't going to stop seeing his ex-girlfriend. He said he should be able to have her as a friend and me as a girlfriend. I told him never to ask me to be okay with that. I told him that he's losing me over this if this is what he wants. He said it is. I cried until I was gagging and choking. Devastated. I kept repeating over and over, "How can he do this to me now?" "Why now?" "Why couldn't you tell me this a month ago so I could just leave?" I don't know why he did it then, or if it was just some trick to trap me. Once he realized I wasn't going anywhere because I was pregnant, he pulls this. Unbelievable.

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I stayed in bed for days. I missed work. I couldn't deal. This just wasn't going to work. I told him that I cannot deal with finding out that I'm pregnant and dealing with his exgirlfriend drama at the same time. He said he understood and would stop having contact with her for now, but don't expect it to last long. Was that supposed to make me feel better?

 

We talked a few days later and decided an abortion would be the best option. I knew I didn't want that for myself, but I also knew I didn't want to be put through this. I saw my brother go through this. He got a girl pregnant and treated her like crap for years and she just put up with it because they had a child together. (He later figured out he's an alcoholic and stopped, and they got married and had more children and are very happy today...) But R wasn't worth it. He didn't see what he was doing to me was wrong. He believed he was in the right about this. I didn't want to be with someone like that. I also wanted to be in love, get married, have a great career, buy a house, and then maybe get pregnant. This was all too soon.

 

I made my abortion appointment and slipped into a deep depression. Even though R wasn't seeing that chick anymore, I didn't trust him. I interrogated him, I went through his wallet, I started fights because I felt hate for him. I started calling my exboyfriends behind his back because somehow it made me feel better to have a secret that I could hurt him with.

 

Things started to look up for a second, but then came crashing down again. He had a car get towed, and he flipped out on me, as if I had something to do with it. I called him once I found out and he came home, drunk. He started screaming my name from outside the building and rushed upstairs and started yelling at me. "WHY didn't I find out about this sooner?" "Why didn't you say anythign to the cops?!" (Answers: I was at work when it happened, I really was just as clueless about this whole thing as him..) So he wanted to go to the police station to figure it out and I said I'd drive him since he was drinking. He started sceaming at me and I knew the neighbors could see. I told him to F-off and went upstairs. My neighbor came and warned me that the people who lived there before got evicted because they were so loud, and she asked me if he has ever hit me. NO WAY! Yeah he yelled, but never laid a hand on me.

 

He got home and I told him he can't have outbursts like that because it will get us kicked out, and he flipped out even more. *sigh* He finally calmed down after he hit the door and it came back at him and gave him a black eye. We pretended like nothing happened.

 

Monday rolls around, and sure enough, my landlord calls. She wants to talk. Of course she does. She shows up after I got home from work, and I already told R not to be there. She told me that I am more than welcome to stay, but he's gotta go. I gave her my 30 day notice and said I was moving back to my mom's. I broke down because I knew this was going to be so hard for me to break the news to him...

 

I told him what happened when he called on the phone.Yeah, just like I expected, he freaked out again. I was bawling and told him what she said. He cussed at my and hung up on me. I waited around for about 4 hours and then went to my mom's because I honestly didn't think he was coming home. Apparently he showed up around 12:30am, but I wasn't there.

 

The next day he blamed everyone in the apartment complex, the landlords, the cops, even God for everythign that happened to him. He said he payed rent on time so he could yell if he wanted to. (Truth is, he payed half the rent ONE month we were there. I payed for 4 other months PLUS the security deposit...) I was sick of it and I couldn't wait for the month to be over.

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Mental Abuse - The 7 Most Important Things To Know

 

1. "Sticks and stones won’t break my bones” – and words won’t leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash.

 

Being told you are “stupid”, “ugly”, “lazy” or “worthless” is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time you “may get used to” hearing it from a partner. That’s when you start to internalize and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s work of putting you down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.

 

The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.

 

2. You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.

 

3. You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”

 

If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.

 

4. You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?

 

Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?

 

When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.

 

5. Your partner blows hot and cold. He can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.

 

You do everything you can to make him happy, but it’s never good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes he’ll be charmed, often he’s dismissive.

 

If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partner’s expense.

 

6. You feel as if you are constantly walking on eggshells. There is a real degree of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)

 

Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.

 

7. You can heal. Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, can’t do it, because her partner is working against her.

 

Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with the anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by emotional abuse, it is never too late to heal.

 

But you do need to work with a person or a program specifically geared to mental abuse recovery.

 

Women who have suffered mental abuse expect radical change of themselves, and they expect it right away. This is why they often struggle and, not uncommonly, take up with another abusive partner.

 

Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth and limiting beliefs about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the blocks that can stop women from moving on. But they are blocks that you can clear very effectively. Just as language was once used to harm you, you can now learn how language can heal you. You can overcome past emotional abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly want.

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I didn't go to the apartment much after that. I think I stayed a couple nights, but we just fought so I'd leave anyhow. I'd go to pick up some things and leave. It was nice to show him that I could leave if I wanted to.

 

During that month, things only seemed to get worse. When I would visit with him, sometimes his phone would ring. He would get very nervous. He would look at the caller ID and if it was his exgirlfriend, he would either pick up the phone and hang it up really quick, or unplug his phone so she couldn't even leave a message. At one point I had slept over because we seemed to be getting along very well, and she called around 2am. Apparently she works in a restaurant or bar, so she was calling when she got off of work. I heard the message, and although there was nothing very alarming about it, other than the fact it was 2am, I freaked out. She shouldn't be calling. He started yelling at me and told me if I was going to act like that, "Pack your up and take it to your mom's." We fought and I was determined to stay, since it was MY apartment. I told him he could go instead and he said he would. I told him to tell his ex hi for me, and he said he would. He went into the bathroom. I could HEAR him doing drugs. I asked him if he was getting high, and he denied it. DENIED IT! How could he lie when he was OBVIOUSLY caught? What did he have to lose anyways, he was already treating me like crap! He could at least be honest if he wanted to hurt me, that works best! He's dispicable.

 

He left the bathroom and told me he didn't flush in case I wanted to check and see why he was in there. Was that supposed to make me embarrassed? Well it didn't. I was so sick of thinking I was crazy all of the time! I knew I wasn't. He went downstairs to find the cigarettes he lost..er...I mean I threw away. I went in the bathroom and sure enough, the only thing in the trash was his stupid drug . What a dumb . He really thinks I'm stupid, doesn't he?

 

He came back upstairs and I wanted to try to calm down before I left, not realizing that no matter what I did, I couldn't reason with him due to the fact that he was higher than a kite. There was nothing in his eyes when he would look at me. He hated everything and he hated me because he had to deal with me. It didn't matter that HE was the one causing the pain to ME, and all I did was want to know why some girl was calling our apartment at 2am. He was acting like I should kiss his feet or something. What a son of a

 

I ended up leaving being just as pissed off as I was before. I called him from my cell phone a couple of minutes later and asked if he could come up with half the money for the abortion. He said he would. I knew there was no way I wanted to go through with this for the rest of my life. Not with him. He's a piece of garbage.

 

He called me later that night (around 4am now...he was too high to sleep I guess...) and we talked things over. I don't remember exactly what was said, but he didn't own up to what he was doing or apologize in any way, shape or form. Why would he? It was always ME that was causing the problems, right?

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Dashboard Confessional "Saints and Sailors"

 

This is where I say I've had enough

And no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.

A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises

And I don't believe that I'm getting any better.

Any better.

 

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring

And I'm thinking awful things

I'm pretty sure that few would notice.

And this apartment is starving for an argument.

Anything at all to break the silence.

 

Wandering this house like I've never wanted out

And this is about as social as I get now.

And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you

Cause they would never do, I would never do.

Never...

 

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring

And I'm thinking awful things

I'm pretty sure that few would notice.

And this apartment is starving for an argument.

Anything at all to break the silence.

 

So don't be a liar.

Don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken.

And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor

And your eyes say the joke's on me.

 

But, I’m not laughing

You’re not leaving

Who do I think I am kidding?

When I’m the only one locked in this cell

 

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring

And I'm thinking awful things

I'm pretty sure that few would notice.

And this apartment is starving for an argument.

Anything at all to break the silence.

 

So don't be a liar

Don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken.

And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor

And your eyes say the jokes on me.

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Of course after all of that, this is the part where he comes to make things better. Lies lies lies just seeping out of his pores. He wants to believe them. I wanted to believe them. It hurts less to believe them, so I did.

 

I tried to pretend everything was once again okay, and I wasn't broken in a million pieces. I made another appointment to get an abortion since I had missed my last one. This one was at 11 1/2 weeks, and you can only legally get them done in this state until 12 weeks. It was the official cut-off date but I wasn't too late.

 

Once again I slipped into a depression. I figured out that the only time I could be happy was when I pretended I was keeping the baby. I knew that I ultimately wanted an abortion, but I just couldn't cope with it. I couldn't let that be "real," so I would pretend in my head that it wasn't to get me through the day.

 

Things were bearable between R and I. I told him about my appointment, and we went on with our merry little lives like things were fine. I didn't go out to see him or anything, we would only talk on the phone. I could hear he was sad and lonely and it made me feel good. I'm not going to lie, it did. I didn't want to be in that horrible world where I let him hurt me over and over and yeah, it felt good to see him miserable. He did it to himself anyways.

 

So one day we were supposed to go see a Pearl Jam concert. This is a concert he had promised to take me to since we started dating. It also just happened to be a concert that his exgirlfriend knew about and automatically assumed she was going, but he swore to me she was once again off her rocker and I was going, not her. The day of the concert I show up, looking all pretty and done-up, and continue to get ready. His exgirlfriend calls...he unplugs the phone...I naturally get weirded out. I'm sorry, but that is NOT normal behavior. You don't just unplug a phone, there's something going on here people! He immediately swooped in and used that to get out of going. He started saying "If you're going to act like THAT, I'm not going at all." Blah blah blah. I get really sad because, well I'm used to having things taken out on me. I said whatever I needed just to get him in the mood to go.

 

I started getting ready again, and then he said "You know we're still not going, right?" He KNEW his ex was going to show up, because he's the spineless one who didn't inform her that I was going instead and she assumed she was. So this was his cop-out. I told him we were going and he continued his temper tantrum. He would rather hurt me than her anyways, so here it is.

 

We started driving and he kept saying things like "Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun when you're acting like this", "let's just see how good of a time we have" all sarcastic-like. I finally started crying and told him to turn around because I didn't want to be around him. I told him all he does is make me cry and I am so sick of crying. He immediately stopped his attitude and turned the car around. He apologized and said he didn't want to make me cry, and I replied "oh yeah? well you are..."

 

I went home. What a fun night that was. Boy is he a great guy to hang out with, let me tell you.

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  • 1 month later...

Sometimes a song will come on the radio, and I wander off into my thoughts as to how the song makes me feel, where I want to hear it, etc. Just now "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol came on the radio. I imagined listening to it, dancing with my future husband. I want someone to make me feel that way. I want someone to hold me and make all my worries and stresses melt away. I want to feel protected and safe more than anything in the world.

 

Then I thought about how R makes me feel. I can't imagine dancing with him to that song. He makes me feel scared and small. He makes me feel like I need to protect myself from him. I feel like a tiny mouse trapped in the corner while he's a huge tabby cat staring at me and licking his lips. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

 

But what scares me more than being bullied by somebody is being alone. Why is it so terrifying to me? It is better than having someone make me feel insecure and scared, but I can't bring myself to take the steps...

 

"Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

 

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

 

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

 

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

 

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

 

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

 

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

 

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

 

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

 

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

 

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

 

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

 

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, They're all I can see

 

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

 

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

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I'm going to fast forward because writing that story makes me so depressed. The things I left out are written about in other posts. Things CAN get worse in the pregnancy forum, then some crap about how his ex called and said she was having sex with him. I tried to just move on fresh because it seemed like a good idea, but now it's starting to hurt more and more each day. I don't know if I'm finally coming to my senses or not, but I am so depressed.

 

I'm the kind of person who loves being in love. I give my everything to any relationship I am in because I just love them. I live for that bond with another human being...someone who knows you inside and out and you trust they would never hurt you, and when things go badly only they can make things right in the world.

 

But when someone comes in your life and stomps on your heart and thinks your soul and everything you have to give is completely worthless, it makes you want to just caterize that part of yourself so you can never have to bleed again. I can go without the love and support right now as long as there is absolutely no chance of someone making me feel this terrible again.

 

I wanted a good life...I wanted a marraige with someone who felt the same way as me, then children. But now I'm going to give birth to a son...and what am I giving that son? A lifetime with a father who is inconsiderate and has unpredictable mood swings. It's not going to be a life completely absorbed in love like I had imagined. It can be on my side, but my side is one of two. It is so heartbreaking. What can I do though, life goes on.

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Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence

Don't cry to me.

If you loved me,

You would be here with me.

You want me,

Come find me.

Make up your mind.

 

Should I let you fall?

Lose it all?

So maybe you can remember yourself.

Can't keep believing,

We're only deceiving ourselves .

And I'm sick of the lie,

And you're too late.

 

Don't cry to me.

If you loved me,

You would be here with me.

You want me,

Come find me.

Make up your mind.

 

Couldn't take the blame.

Sick with shame.

Must be exhausting to lose your own game.

Selfishly hated,

No wonder you're jaded.

You can't play the victim this time,

And you're too late.

 

Don't cry to me.

If you loved me,

You would be here with me.

You want me,

Come find me.

Make up your mind.

 

You never call me when you're sober.

You only want it cause it's over,

It's over.

 

How could I have burned paradise?

How could I - you were never mine.

 

So don't cry to me.

If you loved me,

You would be here with me.

Don't lie to me,

Just get your things.

I've made up your mind.

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So I'm stuck in a cubicle for the majority of my day. I have a clock radio on my desk and I have no recollection of how I got it. All I know is I didn't buy it or bring it in, so somebody else is probably wondering where it went. Anyways on my clock radio I can listen to the radio...but only ONE channel comes in. I wouldn't necessarily say it's my genre of music, but occasionally they play a song that blows me away. I never would have listened to the song if I had a choice, or payed attention to the lyrics. But here I am, sitting in the solitude of 3 1/4 walls pondering what every songwriter could have meant when they jotted their lyrics down.

 

The song "How to Save A Life" by The Fray has really blown me away. It has awesome piano in the background...but then he tells one of my stories. I could have written that song. Anyone who has shared their life with an addict could have written that song. It really sums up everything that I have felt time and time again with all these people who come into my life and then destroy their own right once I begin to fall in love with them or care for them deeply, or have loved all along.

 

Below are the lyrics for your viewing pleasure. The parts that mean the most to me are put in bold, but that's mainly for me.

 

How to Save A Life by The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk

He walks you say sit down it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

And you begin to wonder why you came

 

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

 

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

 

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

 

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

 

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

...the end...

 

I have been there, done that with the majority of people I love(d), or so it seems.

 

I remember the first time I was about 6 or 7. My father drank. He drank a lot...especially around the holidays. We would go to his aunt's house for Christmas Eve and he would drink and then insist on driving home. This particular Christmas I had a bad feeling and didn't want to go. Not because I didn't want to be there, but the fear of that 2 hour drive while he was swerving and singing was terrifying for a child. I was forced to go anyways and it ended like it always did. We got home and my parents started fighting. I was in my room by myself crying, covering my ears with a pillow. He broke things. My mom would cry and beg him not to leave since he was drunk. The tires squeeled as he drove away.

 

I remember the strength I got that night. I walked out into the living room, right past my crying mother and into the kitchen. I climbed onto the counter and took down all his hard liquor. I began pouring it in the kitchen sink. My mom came in and watched me...she asked what I was doing. I told her I was ending it. I threw the bottles away and went back to my room and went to sleep.

 

My father came home and asked what happened and my mom told him "your daughter poured it all down the drain." He never said another word about it and it got better...until next Christmas.

 

I love my dad and he never laid a hand on me or my mother. I used to watch him beat my brothers into bloody pulps though.

 

When I turned 15, my parents separated. His drinking got worse and worse and my mother told him it was the booze or her. He left. I'm lucky if I talk to him once a year.

 

My brother repeated the cycle. He never beat his kids, but he's an addict and on the verge of losing everything he has once again for his disease. He doesn't even put 2 and 2 together. He can't understand why everything is falling apart now...could it be the pills he's throwing back? Of course not...

 

The father of my baby is the same way. Why do I have these men in my life? I only chose one, but he's everything I hate about the others.

 

La la la la life goes on...

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  • 1 month later...

Just a simple rant.

 

Okay so about a year ago or so I had a roommate. He was the brother of R's best friend. We rented this nice house on the beach and he took one of the two rooms. I trusted R's judgement (kinda) but was basically forced to move in with him. I wasn't consulted when R asked him to move in with us. Needless to say, I was less than happy with it, but what could I do? It would cut our rent in half.

 

LITTLE DID I KNOW, this guy was ultra tweaker junkie weirdo. He caused a world of hurt. First, things were cool. We all did drugs together, and I can honestly say he was more than entertaining to watch. He was witty, funny, and as messed up as he may be, he genuinely cares about others when he's not messed up on drugs. It's a case of watching a good guy wrestle with the devil.

 

Let me just put on the record right now that I DO NOT DO DRUGS (anymore). Although it is legal and has MANY reporcussions and I do not suggest anyone do them, I had my time. I'm still young, but I really had no responsibilities. I went to work everyday and supported myself, at this time it was purely recreational and I didn't really risk anything by doing them. But I'm in a whole different place in my life and they are out of the question.

 

ANYWAYS now that that's said, we "partied" and had a great time. But at about the time when the "normal" drug user would say enough is enough and cut it out, my roommate would continue on. On the second or third consecutive day of being awake and high, he would get really strange. This is when the bad times started.

 

I had a pet ferret. I LOVED HER SO MUCH. I took such good care of her, she was my baby. Well one day I wasn't home, and T(my roommate) was on one of his 3 day benders and decided to let her out....she got out and was found dead in a neighbor's yard a couple days later.

 

I forgave him because he honestly was sorry, and you know, sometimes accidents happen. *sigh* I was devastated though..

 

But then it got more serious.

 

A little background...R and I had kinda switched cars. I had an older car that could carry more stuff, which was perfect for his construction job. I didn't worry about it getting a little dirty or maybe even a ding here and there. In return, I got to drive his 2005 Mustang GTE, which fit my life, since I work in an office and there's no chance of it getting dirty and I don't lug around toolboxes and all that. I was happy with this exchange.

 

Anyways one day T decided to get in my car to go to the store, telling someone on the jobsite that he'd be right back. I had to go to the police station and try to file a stolen car report (which the jerk off cops told me I couldn't...) and wait patiently, hoping he'd show back up. What an idiot. We LIVED together. He had to come back sometime.

 

He finally did. He tried that whole apology thing on me again and got ripped to shreds. He only showed back up at the end of the month when he picked up his stuff.

 

***It still makes me mad because R really did nothing about it...he made his woman tear his friend a new one because of whatever his reasons may have been.***

 

There is a point to this story.

 

T was a guy I had to get out of my life. I did successfully. I occasionally see him all messed up at some friend of a friend's get together, he hugs me and tells me he loves me and all that, but that's it. He's dangerous and I know it.

 

But apparently I'm the only one.

 

He has been in and out of jail since. He gets picked up for starting fights with cops while he has drugs on him, he breaks into people's houses, he lives on the street...but they always let him out.

 

I just found out that he's once again back in jail. Not a surprise. But how did he get there?

 

He was driving a big ol' work truck while on one of his don't-sleep-for-three-or-more-days benders...the type when you start thinking trees are people who are secretly plotting against you kind of benders...and he hit a poor woman.

 

He went to jail and I don't know the condition of this poor woman. Some innocent lady who did nothing to deserve this. If someone would just pick him up for good...if someone could just send him to jail for long enough to get him clean (believe me, I tried)...if someone did SOMETHING, then she would be fine.

 

What is it going to take next time? What if they let this crazy out again? WHAT is it going to take for someone to do something?

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  • 4 weeks later...

Just an update. Apparently he hit the woman on purpose.

 

He went to jail for a couple of days and they let him go. Don't you just LOVE the system?

 

Then he went with his tweaker buddy upstate, got stranded and cried to his daddy to come get him, and he did.

 

This is why people don't change. It's a hard pill to swallow when you actually know, care for, even love a person like this. You ask yourself "how can he/she possibly get themself into this mess?" and when they beg you to help them, how can you say no? It's a vicious cycle. But in all actuallity, if you help the person, you ENABLE them to continue. Even this is a stupid game. Everywhere I go there's games, games, games. Maybe I need to read the instructions and finally play because avoiding them doesn't work.

 

ANYWAYS...I almost started crying when I heard these lyrics today. It's a song I've heard millions of times by an artist I don't even really like, but they sure hit home today.

"Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,

Somebody who gave a damn,

Somebody more like myself....

These foolish games are tearing me apart,

And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

You're breaking my heart...."

 

I hate him.

 

In the latest segment, I told him I wasn't moving in with him. I told him over and over and over again. He argued with me. I told him I understand the good points, but I still choose to stick with my decision.

 

He called the next day to ask if I gave the living situation any more thought. Like I didn't mean what I said. He obviously didn't take me seriously. I am so utterly frustrated by him all the time. And just when I think it's going to end and he's actually listening, surprise! No I was wrong.

 

I did break down once during our conversation and he said "you should be EXCITED about moving in together, about starting our life together over again..." and I've been thinking about it ever since. If I was asking someone to move in with me, I personally wouldn't want them to if the idea of it made them CRY. Come on. Obviously I'm completely against the idea, but he's too self absorbed to care. *sigh*

 

Another flag...I said something along the lines of how the baby is going to be here in a couple of months, and I don't want to even discuss it until then, can't he wait? And he said NO!!! then realized he had to and went on about how this isn't "reality" and all this crap. Basically making my head spin.

 

I hate him sometimes.

 

He doesn't know anything is wrong because last time I saw him, things were good. Then he called yesterday and asked that simple question but I couldn't talk at the moment, but I've been brewing ever since.

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  • 3 months later...

A whole lot has happened. And I need to rant.

 

I had my baby in February. He is by far the best thing that has happened to me yet. I am so in love. At first I was worried because I felt like such a terrible mom, he would cry, I wouldn't know what to do, plus everything with the father and I. I felt like such a terrible person. What kind of woman brings a helpless baby into the world, knowing we're going to be attacked and have to fight against so much from the very beginning? Are there going to be times in life when he tells me he wishes he was never born and means it? Is it going to be unbearable and miserable for him when he's being bounced back and forth from mommy to daddy's? What about when his father starts in with the mind games...? What am I supposed to tell him? How am I going to explain to him that from the very day he was born, his father and I have done nothing but try to hurt each other? I can't say "well he started it" even though it may be true...I have to be strong and tell him the emotionless answer for his sake. God this is going to be tough but that's something I gotta deal with day in and day out, taking it one thing at a time.

 

Anyways. Since I've had him, I don't think there's been more than a day that's gone by where I haven't been hit hard by something.

 

I miss being in the hospital. Even though R was bullying me in there and making me cry, I got some peace and quiet. Oh well.

 

I brought my little bundle of joy home and R was already filling out the custody paperwork before he even saw him out of the hospital setting. He said he wanted to work things out, but he was just trying to get one up on me. God I really do hate him at the moment. He questioned whether he was even the father at all. Now he wants lots of custody? Arg.

 

So anyways. I got mastisitis...this really, really painful breast infection. I've been going to the doctor three or more times a week for the past month, and it developed into a terrible infection and now I might have to have surgery. I had to go have it needles stuck in me and have it drained and I can't even breastfeed anymore.

 

I got served custody paperwork filled with a bunch of lies. I only have a little while before I have to serve him with papers. Then we have to go to mediation. I don't want to see him. He bullies me and I'm terrified of losing my baby. I know he can't take him away fully, but I can't imagine handing my miracle over into the hands of a malicious, hurtful jerk who wants nothing more than to make my life difficult.

 

He's called me three times, he's written me emails, and today he FedEx'd me a CD which I don't plan on listening to. I know he's going crazy because I won't talk to him. He has no idea what I'm up to, he has no control, he can't get a rise out of me at all. He's freaking out. He's tried playing Mr. Mean and he couldn't get a call back, now he's trying Mr. Nice. And you know what? That's not going to work either.

 

His mother calls me every day but I won't answer the phone for her either. She's just as bad as he is. She doesn't give two cents about me. I know she wants to see the baby and I'm really not trying to cut her from his life, but you know what? I'm not dealing with these people at the moment. I'm not. I have to worry about my health, taking care of my precious one, getting to a lawyer, money, and going to freaking court. She can take a backseat. Especially after what she pulled in the hospital.

 

She went off on my mother. She used to treat me like an incubator. She'd introduce my stomach to other family members I hadn't met and not even me. I feel guilty about not having her involved a little bit because she IS a grandma, but know what...her time will come. When we go to court, they'll figure out custody and visitation and all that and she can talk to her son about it. I don't care about him. I don't care about her. They can take a long walk on a short pier.

 

R didn't even want me to have this baby. I put myself out for NINE entire months, trying to do the right thing, only to get crapped on. He didn't care about me when he was high, doing drugs in front of me, or making me so uncomfortable I'd drive an hour home in an unreliable car at two in the morning, six months pregnant. He'd just yell at me.

 

You know what he told me? After he'd tell me the most horrible things (like I'm selfish, I'm childish, I'm a loser), he'd say that he knew it sounded bad, but he only told me those things because I made him mad. I MADE HIM SAY THEM.

 

Abuser? Nah....

 

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

 

I love my baby more than anything in this entire world. I will fight tooth and nail for the rest of my life to make sure he turns out okay. I will do whatever I can to make his life better.

 

I doubt I'm going to go back to my job. It'd be great if I could find some work from home opportunity, but most likely I'm going to work part time and try to go to school. In four years I can have a degree and be able to get a really really good job. Before my baby is even in kindergarten, I might be on my way to paving a good future for us. Maybe I could even be able to afford a condo or some place to live of our own. I can do it. Four years is going to go by no matter what I do...might as well work my little tush off and make the future brighter.

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  • 3 months later...

I miss my baby.

 

I miss my baby so much I can barely stand it.

 

He's at his dad's house. And tomorrow is father's day so he has him from 9am this morning til 6pm tomorrow night. That's the longest I have ever been away from him.

 

He's four months old now. He's at that adorable age where he cries for his mommy. When I walk through the room he follows me with his eyes. When he cries, I can pick him up and he stops. He fiddles with the straps and strings on my shirt. He looks me in the eyes. He makes smacking noises in the middle of the night when he spits out his pacifier. He wraps his legs around my arm when I feed him and grabs ahold of my pinky finger. He looks up at me and smiles with these huge incredible eyes and I can barely handle it. He's my world.

 

Anyways. Things are terrible as always between the father and I. But I am happy to say that I got on antidepressants and now I feel so much better. About everything. And everyone.

 

But here's the deal. We went to court, we had everything established for a small amount of time. A trial period of sorts. Things were going okay until I decided that he probably should pay me the child support. Then all hell broke loose. He thinks I'm the worst person on the face of the earth. Seriously, how dare I? I must be out of my mind.

 

We don't speak anymore. He blames me for everything. Not like he didn't before. But now he's about to be evicted he tells me, he's gonna get his car taken away, then he'll lose his job. And of course it will be all my fault. All of it. Cause of me. Mmmhm. Sounds right.

 

His xwife contacted me to see how I was. I didn't trust her at first but now I do. We tried to work together for the sake of the children and got spit on basically.

 

R (my ex) has another daughter with her who was looking forward to father's day more than anything. Well he said he'd meet them halfway at 9am, but our court papers say I'm supposed to be at his house to drop off our little one at 9am. I said I would work with him so he could have both his kids but he refused. He asked if we talked and I said yeap. Then he freaked out and wanted to know why I was doing everything to him. Why would I possibly make him pay child support? The obvious reason is to destroy him, right? Couldn't be to make him support his child. Course not. So the way it ends up is he and his mother called his exwife and threatened her and screamed at her and she filed a violation on his restraining order. Drama, drama, drama.

 

Anyways. I'm frustrated but I don't feel defeated whatsoever. I feel strong and like I can keep going forever.

 

After all, it is for a good cause.

 

Man I miss my little guy. Only 17 hours left...

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I feel so nervous and I don't know why!!

 

My ex will be here in about 45 minutes to drop off the baby. I cannot wait. My fingers are tingly and I have butterflies in my stomach. I am so excited. I'm weird.

 

Today I went to church for the first time in years. At first I felt uncomfortable because I'm in a room full of people I don't know and they all stand up and start singing songs I don't know. But then the pastor started in and it felt like he was talking directly to me. I feel like I've been doing it all wrong. I've lost my way...I forgot how I used to live my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those preachy religious people, but I have found that church has a positive affect on my life. And I miss it. It was great to find such a welcoming church. Seriously, everyone there is normal. They aren't all dressed up, they have biker guys and little kids running around everywhere. The pastor had shoulder length hair and rode a harley and had a chain hanging from his pants. These people have been through life. You know, they're REAL. They aren't just people who live the "holier-than-thou" lifestyle. They found a way that works for them because they tried all the wrong ones first. Since that's the way I lived my life for the past couple years (not listening to anybody, doing everything wrong), it was refreshing.

 

Anyways...life is good. I am excited. My baby boy comes home to me in a little over half an hour. Yay. I cannot wait.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Okay so I only come on here when I don't have my little one. I just don't know what to do with myself.

 

For the past couple weeks, I've been having such a hard time falling asleep. My mind goes into overload mode as soon as my head hits the pillow and I can't calm it down. Occasionally I'll flip on the tv to help me veg out a little, but most of the time I find something that makes my head work even harder. Last night I flipped on Forrest Gump and I know everyone has seen it a million times, but it's the first time I watched it since I was a parent. And the end scene where he just sits and waits for his little boy to come home from school in the same place is SO me. That's what I do. I'm not myself anymore without that kid around and it's crazy. I know I gotta get out and do stuff but I do have an early morning tomorrow and am SO looking forward to my night full of uniterrupted rest.

 

My ex called me and asked about the baby's eating habits. Apparently he's been feeding him a full bottle every hour or so. That makes me nervous because he doesn't eat that much... I just told him to give him a little water inbetween his feedings instead of so much formula.

 

He asked me if I'm going with him to check out daycares tomorrow. The daycares I've already checked out...he wants me to go with him? I really don't understand why he thinks we're friends again. We aren't. He's a mean person and I don't want him to think we're close.

 

Anywaysssssss. I'm tired and missing that little guy. *sigh*

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I got an email from my baby daddy yesterday. He basically shot down every child care option because he wants his mommy dearest to watch the baby. I will have NO part of her because she is manipulative and flat out evil. I see where he gets his ways from.

 

I'm not trying to deprive my child of a grandparent relationship, but he can visit them when he's with his dad. That's not so unreasonable, is it? She blew into the hospital while I was in labor and yelled at my mom and a bunch of nurses and tried to push her way into the delivery room...she has served me with court paperwork (not something I want to happen while dropping my son off in the morning), she came to my house demanding to see the child, she told me that I should be happy with whatever amount of child support he can scrounge up and not ask for anything more, she told people she was going to sue me for grandparent's rights and I "don't know what's coming," and she is just flat out disrespectful. I already have to deal with my life-draining ex, I certainly don't have to deal with his mother. And I won't.

 

So. I think I made my decision. I'm going to quit my job.

 

Sounds extreme, doesn't it?

 

Well here's my plan. Since I don't wish to continue working entry level positions in companies I hate for the rest of my life, I'm going to use the resources available to me. I'm going to go back to school and make something of myself.

 

Imagine...having a job I actually look forward to...one where I could eventually live on my own and NOT eat soup every day...that would be something.

 

I can do it. I think the sooner the better...I can stay at home with the little one during the day and go to school at night. My mom offered to watch him and help me out. I could have a degree before he's in preschool and be the one to raise him.

 

With the way things are going, I'd have to go to work full time just to pay for childcare while I'm there, then work nights and have my mom watch him. That life isn't good for anyone.

 

It'll be hard but I'm pretty certain I can do it.

 

On a different note....I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO COURT THIS WEEK! I'm so happy. My ex served me with papers because he's trying to get his child support reduced and I don't even have to be there.

 

I am so happy.

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I'm a MILF. YAY!

 

I have been stuck in a rut for the past couple months, basically not leaving the house. But while I was in my funk, I started running. Pretty much everyday until my knees started hurting. Then I moved onto one of those fitness balls that work out your core muscles. And yeap. It worked.

 

I got my hair done and it looks awesome and I got all dolled up and went and visited some friends today...I got many "woah..."s from guys...even one "i can't believe you're a mom, go out with me"!

 

I'm so stoked.

 

I've been obsessing about stretch marks, flab, blah-hair and how terrifying it is to be single and how I'm "never gonna find anyone who will take all this baggage" for so long. Now 5 months after producing another living human being from my body, I'm back to my pre-pregnancy size. And I have to say, my body is better than it every was (well the girls aren't as happy as they used to be but they're a much nicer shape now). I look so womanly. I used to be stick thin and have a little girl's body, but now I have curves in all the right places and it's great.

 

Okay well maybe I'm boasting a little bit, but darn it, I worked SO freaking hard that I deserve to blow my own horn.

 

Toot. Toot.

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I have so much running through my head that it's keeping me up. I really should be sleeping. How frustrating.

 

I'm due to return to work on Monday. HOW can people do this? How can you leave your baby with someone else? It sounds so ridiculous to me. I have to pay someone to take care of my child so I can go make money. Why can't somebody just pay me? I can't stand the idea of leaving him. His aunt will be watching him and I know she'll take excellent care of him but I still feel like I should be the one with him. This is so unnatural. I don't know how anyone can leave their kid at 6 weeks. It's been 5 months and I'm desperately searching for a way I can stay home with him or take him with me to a job somewhere or work from home. I know in just a couple days I gotta go...and it's to a job I don't even like. How stupid. Missing time with your kid to go someplace that you don't like and you don't even make a real difference at. So dumb.

 

BUT I got a big fat lawyer bill to pay. So money is a good thing I guess. It's going to take me a while to pay everything back and I absolutely HATE being in debt. I hate talking about money to people. My brother and his wife lent me so much money to pay for this lawyer and they were going to buy me a car too...they are so nice. I spent my entire pregnancy paying off all my debts and the second this baby is born I owe people THOUSANDS of dollars. But during my maternity leave I managed to find a way to bring some money in and I saved up and bought my own car. See...that's another thing I feel funny about. Okay I needed a car. Didn't have one that worked. I am due to return to work, will lose my job and medical insurance if I don't have a car to get there in. But the second I save up a few grand, I feel like I need to pay off my brother FIRST. After all, he did lend me the cash. I felt so bad buying a car with it, although I really really needed one...I still feel weird about it like I'm being selfish. You know what I mean? Money is such a weird subject to talk to people about. Like, say you loaned someone a couple grand and they were very grateful and promised to pay you back. Then you see them spend a few grand on a car. Sounds pretty selfish, doesn't it? I know it does. But honestly I had to do this first. Now all my income can to towards the debt I owe. Income I wouldn't get if I didn't have a car. Ugh, it's such a vicious cycle. Money sucks but I want lots of it anyway.

 

My little man has been teething like crazy. It's so terribly sad. He cries out of pain and sleeps all day long, he has trouble eating from a bottle, has a fever, and is just in a horrible mood. Poor little guy. It's one thing when your baby cries since babies are supposed to cry, but a whole other thing when they are crying out of PAIN. And you can't take it away.

 

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be going to church. Oh yeah that brings something else to my mind. I was raised religiously but kinda got away from it for the past couple years. In the meantime, I found a guy and had a kid with him. That guy just so happens to think church and religion is stupid and would make fun of me for it. Now I'm not with him (go me) anymore but I've started attending church again. I know if he found out he would throw a stink bomb because he doesn't want his beloved offspring to believe in this mumbo jumbo. I personally think it would be good for him. I grew up learning about religion and it made me very well rounded and also something to believe in. It made life less scary for me. And I want to raise him religiously. Not so overbearing, but you know, go on Sundays, do church stuff like youth groups and outings with good people, you know? I get so nervous because my kid's dad is SO not what I want my son around (yeah I know, good choice to have a kid with that kind of person *sigh*)...and I want him to have good influences. Not paranoid homeless druggie losers. I think it would be good for him to be brought up knowing about God and everything else. I will encourage him to make up his own mind but he should at least be informed, right? I think so. I just don't know how to handle his dad. Which brings me back to my origional point. HOW do I get rid of all this anger? I am so mad at him all the time. It's so strange how I have changed in the past year. I look back at everything I went through and I am dumbfounded at what I put up with. I am so NOT that person anymore. I don't even remember being that person. It's so scary how even the strongest people can get sucked into these abusive, consuming relationships. I have been on antidepressants for the past two months and I FINALLY feel like me again. The me I was 3 years ago. That strong woman who wouldn't put up with anybody's crap, who knew exactly who she was and loved herself for it. It feels great by the way. Besides a small suitcase of issues, I'm the old me again. But in that suitcase is a whole lot of anger. Anger at my son's dad. I don't even consider him that guy I used to be in love with. It was hard but I finally accepted that that man never existed. Everything that was our relationship was a lie. Do you know how hard that is to accept? It's almost impossible. But now he's just a guy who is standing in the way of me being the best mother I can be. And I just don't know how to deal with that.

 

He just throws roadblocks in the way for no apparent reason. Actually, I know the reason. He still tries to control the situation. And you know, he does have some power left. I don't know what to do about it because my state says he does have say which makes me even madder. You know, I understand the state will step in and say "Overbearing mother, you need to get over your issues and let your kid have a father" and all that. But this time, the mother knows best! I KNOW he's a tweaker, I know he's selfish and no good, I know he'll put my son at risk. The state doesn't because I can't prove it and I have to hand my kid over to someone I honestly hate. And you know, I don't think I've ever truly hated someone before. But I can say that I do hate him and that just makes me even more upset. How can I still let him get to me? How do I get rid of this hate and anger? I have been attending church and a lot of time they have been talking about holding onto your anger. They suggest to start praying for the people you feel mad at. But I find myself praying that he'll drive off a cliff or overdose on drugs or other terrible things and that's NOT GOOD! How do I get over this??? It's so frustrating because basically I'm a happy go-lucky type of person and I don't want this emotion anymore. It's not doing me any good. Arg.

 

Okay so now I'm all fired up and I guess I'll rant it out. My ex flaked ALL week. Monday he sent me an email that said "Keep it up." I have no idea what the heck he was talking about so I just ignored him. Then he didn't bother showing up or even calling to tell me that he wasn't coming. I woke my son up from a nap, fed him, cleaned him up, got him dressed and had him all ready to just sit with me for half an hour (that's how long I'll wait for him) just for his dad to not show up. I sent him an email asking him to please tell me if he wasn't coming out and he shot me back "respect is a two way street." WHAT THE HECK? Anyways, calls me on the 4th of July at 6pm to tell me he's not coming out then either. Thanks a lot, my plans are shot so I could be here so he could freaking pick him up. I end up doing next to nothing since it was already so late in the day. On Friday my son got extremely sick (doc says it's teething). I called my ex to tell him not to come out, the baby is sick. Guess what. THAT day of all days he comes out. He shows up at 9:15pm and calls from outside and asks me to bring him outside. I send my mom out because I can't even look at the guy without wishing he was dead and he stays for two minutes and then leaves. Doesn't even try to hold the baby or anything. Just a hassle. ARG anyways.

 

His ex called me too to ask me if I thought he was being more paranoid than usual and we exchanged more info. Once again I've learned that I never knew one thing about the guy and he's even crappier than I previously thought. Their daughter told her that she wants to be there when he has his visits with our son because she's the one who feeds the baby and changes him and takes care of him. Yeah, he's a standup guy. Leave the child to take care of the baby while you're probably in your closet or bathroom smoking meth. AHHHHHH it sucks because I can't prove it. Just gotta keep the faith that everything will work itself out. When people are this way it will catch up with them...right? I have to believe it will.

 

Okay well I vented and now I need to expel him from my mind.

 

I just need to find a way to get rid of all these horrible thoughts and feelings and I don't know how to do it.

 

On a lighter note...my baby rocks. He's adorable, looks just like his mommy. I only have 4 more pounds to lose and I get to go shopping tomorrow for work clothes. That's fun. Although I usually end up with only a big bag full of baby stuff...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Oh yeah....THAT'S why I didn't like you.

 

Have you ever felt that way? There's some reason in your past why you didn't trust a certain person or have a bad feeling about them, but it's been so long that you can't remember or figure people change. Then you go about your merry way, forgiving since you already forgot, and then there they go again. They prove to you that nothing has changed and you're silly for believing it did. So you're back in square one...only this time you blame yourself because, after all, the saying is "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me," right?

 

But what happens when the person doing this to you is always close to you? What if they were your child? You know in your mind that if you get too close, you're going to get hurt. But you can't help but get close. You can't live the life you want when you aren't close.

 

Sick cycle, isn't it?

 

Well this person isn't my child...that was just a thought. It's a close family member. Well...it was a person dating a close family member. But now they are married and it's turned into the spouse of a close family member AND they brought my close family member down that same path. The path that disappoints and hurts those who have been around you your entire life.

 

And how come these realizations always happen when you're in a low period and you just REALLY need that person to be there for you? It sucks.

 

And the worse part about the whole thing is that in this life, you need people. Some seem to try to get around that fact, but the truth is, you need others and that's it. What kind of life would it be if you never put faith into anybody because you automatically assumed they'd let you down? It'd be a pretty sucky life. But then there's the chance that you'd put faith into the wrong person at the wrong time and you could end up severely hurt.

 

Vicious cycle.

 

So...my question is....what's the right thing to do? Do you confront this person? Can you confront someone about something that might just be purely in their nature? I'm stupid for putting that faith in them more than once...the disappointment could have been avoided on my end...but it wasn't so now I'm in need and hurting when I could have avoided the whole ordeal by just hurting a little more in the beginning...but instead put faith in them...and just ended up even worse in the long run...

 

So. Do I confront them? Is it just their nature to be self centered and selfish? Should I just write this off as yet ANOTHER lesson learned and move on? Or do I bring it to their attention that I NEEDED them to be there for me...they said they would be and they let me down. What would that accomplish? Anything? Or would I just feel frustrated when they give me their excuses of how they "didn't know" or all the other cheap remarks they'd make, while the truth is out in plain view for EVERYONE to see...they are intelligent enough to understand what they are doing...yet they'd chaulk it up to ignorance. Would that make me feel any better? I KNOW what I'd hear. "Oh no, well I just didn't know in the beginning..." or "I didn't see how this would make you feel like that" or the dreaded "well you have to understand...blah blah blah whatever guilt trip they'd throw back at me.."

 

So. I could stand up and bring the fact that they are hurting me into plain view when I KNOW they know what they are doing...(I HATE THAT) and are just pretending to not know...or I could just ONCE AGAIN realize I should have known better and trusted my instincts about them and go about my life.

 

Hm.

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WHAT AM I DOING???

 

I've been trying SO hard to do the right thing. I've been making good decisions, thinking about how they will affect my life, and really thinking before I act.

 

Until this weekend. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

 

Okay I have posted about my exboyfriend a couple times. We dated for two years and I finally broke up with him because I figured out he wasn't the most honest of people. He never did anything malicious or flat out hurtful, he just kept secrets. Lots of secrets. Many of them for no apparent reason. I couldn't have a relationship with someone who kept so many things hidden...I guess it sounds kinda dumb when I write it out but there was just something fishy with him. He's a wonderful friend but a terrible boyfriend. My heart was broken because he honestly treated me like a princess the entire time we were together...it was the times we weren't together that he'd act weird. I figure he was/is young and just needed to be free.

 

So I broke up with him and hated him for a bit...but he never really let me push him away entirely. I'm happy about that because he turned out to be someone really awesome in my life and has been there for me through thick and thin. Despite everything, he really is a great guy.

 

And now...we're really good friends. There always were some lingering feelings there, but I'm not quite sure what those feelings are.

 

Well I wanted to hang out with him this past Saturday because my family was out and he became friends with my older brother throughout everything. But he couldn't at that time. Finally he called me at 11:30ish and asked me to come outside because he wanted to hang out for a bit. So I did.

 

And well. We hooked up. And now I feel like crap.

 

I've been trying to do the right thing and make decisions that will make me feel good about myself and will lead me down good paths, but this definently wasn't one of them.

 

There are so many reasons why I feel terrible. Reasons I didn't know would make me feel this awful.

 

First of all, he has a girlfriend. This is one of the things I knew would make me feel like crap but I still did it despite it. She just so happens to be a girl I never have liked and I feel contributed to our breakup. I'm being completely honest here by the way and trying to work through these feelings...anyways. So maybe this was an opportunity to "right" the situation in my mind? I know it sounds horrible but it's a possibility. That kind of "well I'll show you attitude." But honestly I didn't really think that in-depth about it during our little encounter, but looking back this was probably something that led to that decision.

 

Another thing that made me feel terrible is those feelings that are/were still there. I think maybe they were just fond memories of all the great things we had that I held dearly to me. And now maybe I spoiled them? I haven't been treated so nicely by a guy since him and I think I may have put him on a higher pedestal than he deserved. But now he's down from it and I think less of him because he just cheated on his gf of like 4 years like it was nothing. But I know (at least from what he's told me) that he doesn't cheat on her usually...so maybe he feels the same way? There were lingering feelings there that he indulged in too? I mean, who am I to judge him because I did the same thing. Although I'm single and didn't cheat on anybody, I'm no better than him because I was the "other" woman. Geez.

 

Okay so perhaps I'm reading too into this...I have just never been in this position before and didn't realize how terrible it feels. So I have no intentions of putting myself back into it.

 

Oh well. You live and you learn, right? Nobody said that the right decisions were easy ones.

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  • 2 weeks later...

There are so many things that I question about religion.

 

I was raised a Christian and went to a Christian school that was probably more detrimental than it was anything else.

 

I switched to a public school in high school and that was basically my undoing. Typical naughty catholic school girl sort of thing. Get me out of church and I ran wild. Probably until a year ago.

 

But now with all the consequences I'm facing from all the bad decisions I've made, I turned back towards religion. But there still were and are so many unanswered questions.

 

I feel bad because I want SO BADLY to believe in God and everything that comes along with it. But I find myself getting stuck on the unanswered things. And I have been feeling guilty about it. I'm not quite sure why...I just want so badly to be able to lean on this new found faith but I haven't been able to entirely. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

 

I have been attending church for the past couple of months and every time I leave, there are more and more questions. They trouble me BIG TIME.

 

I pray and I pray and I pray but sometimes it makes me feel silly...

 

I don't know what to think.

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BLAH. All of this is really starting to get to me.

 

I had 5 months off for maternity leave. And I didn't even take the whole thing. FIVE months! That is unheard of around these parts, usually everyone gets a measly 6 weeks. Ridiculous.

 

But now I'm back at work and after a small freakout (I tried to quit and didn't show up for a week, but my boss understood and gave me a little time to breathe), I am more didicated than ever. Well, not as dedicated as I could be, considering I'm online typing away at this journal, but I'm here everyday, earlier than I used to be and am tackling all that I should be.

 

But I look like total crap. Like I got hit on the freeway on the way over here. Maybe it's just hard cause my baby is sick at the moment, but this is really getting tough. My eyes are bloodshot, my hair looks like a rat's nest and my clothes look okay, but I'm a walking zombie. People are asking my what's the matter because I look like I've been crying. I'm not upset, just tired. So freaking tired. I drink cup after cup of coffee and it does nothing. I yawn every three seconds. Man. I've been at work almost a month now and it's just getting more and more *yawn* difficult.

 

Enough. Oh my, life is tough, I have a beautiful, perfect little boy who I get to sleep next to every night, then wake up to drive to my wonderful, understanding, well paying job that allows me to surf the internet in my comfy, reliable car that I own out-right. Yeah. What a whiner. Boo hoo, I'm drowsy. Stupid stupid girl.

 

I decided how to deal with my anger issues in regards to my ex. I just am letting it all go. I'm not going to talk about him anymore (well maybe on here, but that's typing so it doesn't really count).

 

The people around me talk about my situation a lot because let's face it, it's good gossip. But I really need to disconnect myself from it. My ex's ex-wife called me to say what's up and tell me the news and apparently my son's grandmother is talking smack about me all over town and calling me "crazy" and all this other crap. This is coming from the most sanity challenged human being I have ever met, but still, I let it get to me. I found myself driving home from work just getting more and more angry, indulging in fantasies about what I would say to her if I saw her in the supermarket or anywhere else, and I just had to stop. Seriously, WHO CARES? THOSE people dwell on this stuff. THOSE people let every tiny little thing get to them. THEY blame everyone and confront them and cause problems. NOT ME. Please, NOT me. I am not going to be like that.

 

I am not confrontational. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no qualms about tearing someone a new one if provoked, but it is really hard to get me going usually. I am quite the laid back, easy going individual who is very successful at "killing them with kindness." I have learned the hard way how to deal with R's shenanagans, and that's by not responding. I don't give him ammo. I just watch him run himself in circles because he's so confused by my reaction that he doesn't know what else to do. That's what gets to those people. It drives them nuts that they can call me or email me the nastiest stuff you've ever seen, and all they get is "well, I just thought I should update you, our son blah, blah, blah."

 

I cannot let them get to me. Don't dwell, let it roll off my back. Take a deep breath, life goes on, the less I spend worrying about those wastes of skin, the more time I have to be happy.

 

OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

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Okay I'm trying to swing with the punches, I swear. But sometimes it just seems like it's one thing after another.

 

My childcare person is going to flake out on me. I can tell.

 

I hired a family member to watch my son for a little bit. She really wanted to do it because she quit her job on the spurr of the moment and can't find anything because she's pregnant. So I offered her a nanny-type position. It's not the ideal job but I figured, she's pregnant and can't find work, this way she won't have to even do much in the morning, my kid is pretty kick back and it won't be that bad.

 

But now the preggo stuff is kicking in which I understand in a way. She's complaining on and on about how she's so tired and she wants to be able to go out and do things and this and that. Well I kind of understand it. Well...not really. I went to work every day while I was pregnant and yes I get paid better than she does since it's an actual job and everything (not that nannies don't have jobs, but this was just kind of helping each other out). I went until they put me on bedrest.

 

What I don't understand is KNOWING you are pregnant, and quitting your really good job with benefits and all that because you wanted to go out of town immediately and they had a problem with it...

 

Okay so maybe I'm a touch selfish but this really puts me in a bind.

 

I wanted to enroll him in daycare anyways, but I have to wait until after my court papers come since my ex is fighting me on everything and doesn't want him in daycare, only wants his mother to watch him. So we talked about it in court and they're going to make a decisoin for us. And I want to know what decision it is before I sign a contract with a child care place.

 

Also, EVERY SINGLE child care place is closing at the end of the summer for 2-3 weeks. If I enroll him now, then I'd have to find him additional child care, PLUS pay them while they are on vacation. WHAT? I know. So I wanted her to watch him while this is happening. Now she's gonna flake.

 

I really hope she doesn't just call me in the morning tomorrow and tell me she's not coming.

 

I hope I don't sound too selfish. And don't think she's like 9 months pregnant, she's like 4 or 5 months along and yes, it's still hard on your body but the majority of women still have to go to work at that time. I did. What's the big deal? Also she gets to bring her daughter with her. What other kind of job will pay you to come in, wear whatever you want, make sure you're fed everyday, and you can bring your kid? You can sleep when he sleeps, which is often, you can take him wherever you need to go...

 

Maybe I'm selfish or something. Maybe I don't pay her enough. I know I don't. But she agreed to this amount and honestly it's all I can afford at the moment.

 

*sigh*

 

I don't know what to do anymore! Do I just tell her thanks, go about your merry way...but what about all the other childcare places? Even if I took off work to stay with my son, I'd still have to pay them for those weeks!

 

I don't know what to do.

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My luck did a 180 yesterday.

 

I worked out the childcare situation like a pro. I called my family member and talked things over with her. It was a good conversation. I just told her that I like her and I want to stay close with her and I don't want any issues between us so I need to know what she wants and needs out of the arrangement. I let her know that I wanted to enroll him in daycare anyways, as this would be a temporary thing from the get-go, but I just needed help until summer is over and after the daycares open back up full time with no more plans of vacation. She was very easy going about the whole thing and said we didn't even have to figure out an exact date if I didn't want to, she'd do it until further notice. I let her know that while that is very, very sweet of her, this is something that is stressing me out and I cannot just "wait and see." I had to handle everything NOW as soon as possible to try and make sure there'd be no hiccups or anything in my master plan.

 

So she is going to watch him until September 13th. I have to pay her this Friday enough to cover all her bills (which was already agreed upon, but I let her know that it was coming) and then she'll go about her way and do the lazy pregnant stuff, which is fine by me.

 

I called the childcare place I want to enroll him in and they have ONE spot left. YAY! I told her I wanted it and I gotta give her a deposit asap to save my spot. She just got a 5 month old little girl to watch so my son will have someone his age to hang out and grow up with. How cool is that.

 

The absolute best part about this childcare place is it's run by my best friend's aunt (who I never met until I started this childcare search adventure) and she lives literally two minutes from my house. I can walk there in probably 10 minutes. Her place is SO nice, they have a sign in and sign out sheet, they have these little forms they fill out that tell you everything about your kid that day (how many diapers, bottles, etc), they have basically as fool proof of a system as you can have. I'M jealous...I'd love to hang out there all day and play, it's that awesome. AND...get this...she understands my situation. She knows how to deal with it! My ex can't get him kicked out of this place (unless he was to try really, really hard which he *might* do). I know it's probably kind of hard to understand this but it's even harder to live it.

 

My ex...he'll do anything to get what he wants. If he doesn't like the childcare place, he'll harass them until they say they don't want to deal with it anymore (for example). But this lady...she's awesome. She has a place to attach a court order so she'll know if he should be picking him up or not. We talked for hours and she was warned that my ex is not the most likeable person so be prepared, and she seemed ready to handle it.

 

Okay enough about that. So I gotta give her a deposit. And I gotta pay my nanny this week. I started freaking out about money.

 

BUT THEN I went in my room and found FIVE HUNDRED FREAKING DOLLARS! I get stoked when I find a dollar in a pair of pants I forgot about...but I found $500 that I forgot about. RIGHT ON. So excited. So I don't have anything to worry about today.

 

Oh wait. I'm leaving to visit my brother this weekend and I'm leaving Friday right after work. My ex has visitation Friday night and I haven't told him yet. Oops. Oh well. I still have time to give him 24 hours notice and will offer a makeup day whenever he wants, as long as he gives me 24 hours notice.

 

The funny thing is, he thinks only he can play this game. He wants to stand me up, have me waiting there with our son ready to go only to not show up, and he doesn't realize I can do the same thing? I'm not about to stoop to his level because I'm *way* better than him (please excuse my giant ego, jk) but I could. I emailed him and asked him if he could tell me in the future if he wasn't going to make it (not even the 24 hours notice per our court order), and he responded by rambling about respect and whatnot. He still brings it up when I don't do what he wants...about how I don't listen to him and he thinks it's dumb that I want him to respect me enough to give me notice when I don't respect him by doing what he wants, blah blah blah.

 

Anyways, point is, I gotta tell him that he's going to miss his Friday visit and I'll catch hell for it. Sounds ridiculous, but it will happen. I'm taking some control away from him and he needs that like he needs air to breathe.

 

Well I'm on a roll...things are going my way today (well yesterday anyways) and he can't get me down.

 

 

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