A day in the life of...BornToResist

[BornToResist]

I wish I had the boobs I had when I was pregnant. *sigh*

 

It's after midnight and I need to be sleeping but I always end up thinking too hard about things.

 

My oldest brother is about to be a dad. He has been married almost a year and a half but has been with the lady for the better part of a decade. She was a single mom of two kids who busted her butt to make it through school. She did have a huge help in and ungodly amount of alimony, child support, and full support of both her parents while she was doing it but she still had a goal and reached it. She ended up getting two degrees in like, record time. Very smart. She always intended to go on and find the guy she would marry and settle down, perhaps have another kid in which she would undoubtedly stay at home with since she missed a huge chunk of her older children's childhood while trying to balance life with their father and sacrificing all her time with them to go to school.

 

But now she makes excellent money. She makes so much that there is absolutely no way she can stay at home with this new arrival. She worked her butt off to get her education and it did her good...but now she's the main breadwinner.

 

I wonder what that would do to a relationship.

 

I know for me when I was the one going to work and my ex was not, I resented him SO MUCH. So much.

 

I'm going to school now with the goal of making something out of myself. If nothing else, I want to be able to survive where I'm living and actually buy a place to live for my son and I. But if I met a guy and we ended up getting married and then the dreams of actually having a 'family' were about to happen...but I had to still go to work and miss out on all the things I am missing out on now? I miss 8 hours a day of my son's life as it is. But to know that I have to do it again with another one so I can go to work and support my husband while he is there for the small stuff...that would hurt too much. I wonder if I'd resent him.

 

I don't know. I guess things would be different if I'm actually die-hard in love with someone and we are trying to make our family work...I don't know though. I want so badly to be the one to stay at home if either of us are able.

 

I'm just curious.

[BornToResist]

I am so frustrated with stupid neighbors. How can people be so inconsiderate?

 

My neighbor made a dog run between our two houses. The bedroom windows are on this side of the house and they just so happen to have some mangey mutt who barks at nothing for extended periods of time. When my brother was living here, he got into it with them and he would have to call the cops because they would just cuss my brother out or whatever it was.

 

Since I moved in and they moved out, I have tried to be very considerate and kind of a keeper of the peace. There have been a couple times where the dog is barking late at night and I walked over there, knocked on the door and asked politely if they could quiet their dog down because the dog woke up my sleeping baby. The wife was always very nice but the husband always tells me that the dog is barking at something in my yard so he cannot quiet him down. I would explain to him that all of our dogs are kept in at night and everyone is trying to sleep so can he please keep the dog quiet or move him out from underneath our windows. He would finally say okay.

 

One time the dog started at about 4am on a weekday. I was not as polite. I went over there and pounded on the door until he answered...then told him to shut the dog up...he said okay. The next day his wife came over and gave me her cell number and the house number and told me next time to just call and she was very sorry. I apologized too for being rude.

 

That was months and months ago. The dogs bark a whole heck of a lot but usually it dies down around 8 or 9 so it's not really a problem, just very annoying.

 

Well it's after ten and I've had to listen to this dog not just bark, but do this horrible yelping screaching thing for the past couple hours. Finally I started worrying that it would keep my son up (although I have a loud fan to drown out the noise) so I called and asked to talk to the wife, since she was the nice one. She doesn't speak much english and immediately put her husband on the phone. I once again politely explained that it was late and the dog's barking will wake up my son so can he please do something with the dog. His response was "what do you want me to kill it?" Geez! I was being so nice! I told him that it doesn't matter much to me what he does with the dog, can he please just make the barking stop for the night. He then went on to blame it on something in our yard and how the dog messes in the back yard and his kids play back there so he has to keep it between the houses. I just kept saying "my son is sleeping and the dog is going to wake him up, can you please quiet him down?" Finally he said he would take care of it.

 

After a ton of yelling at the stupid dog, it stops.

 

The people gave me their darn phone number because of this problem, what is the deal? It's not like I call every night. I am very patient and still, the attitude.

 

Blah

[BornToResist]

I just applied for student aid for college. I don't know why but I'm nervous. All I did was submit facts onto their website, it's not like I was right or wrong. But I still feel nervous. I was planning on paying for it all myself anyways so this would just be a bonus if I qualify.

 

My tummy hurts.

 

My son got tubes put in his ears. He is 115% better than he has been the past half of his life. He talks WAY more, much clearer. He finished up his last round of antibiotics (hopefully) and no more doctor's visits every two weeks. It was a nervewracking experience from the very very beginning to just today when he had his post op appointment. It was a great decision though, I can tell he feels so so so much better.

 

A girl at work asked me today if he got his tubes put in and I told her yes he did, he's much better, thanks for asking. She then asked me how the surgery went and I told her it was hard at first because he started crying when they took him out of my arms and then he had to be put under, and she just said "oh I would never do that, never. Not my son." I just thought that was a little strange...maybe it's me and maybe I'm just becoming antisocial and think people are always saying weird things to me when they aren't. I just said "well he's much better, he's happier so I'm happier" but I keep thinking what? Of course I didn't want my son to go through surgery but I think any parent would do that for their kid if it seemed like the right thing to do...it was the only option I had. I tried everything else and his hearing was obviously suffering and he couldn't even sleep through the night because he was in so much pain. Who wouldn't do that? I don't know. I read into things too much too I think. She was also the girl who is pregnant and said she wanted to wait til her daughter (the one in the works) is 7 and then she'd try to get her bellybutton pierced...

[BornToResist]

I spent all day cleaning my stupid room and it looks just as messy as it did before I started. My closet is cleaned out but everything else looks pretty bad. My bed is piled high with clothes so I decided to post at 2:30 am instead of trying to clear them off.

 

I haven't done a deep room cleaning since I was pregnant and nesting. I found all kinds of stuff. Things that make me all sad when I look at them, that time of my life was so long ago it seems. I had all these expectations of how being a parent would be...funny, I thought the first 6 weeks were going to be the hardest. HAHAHA. Let me tell you, there's no joke in this terrible two's stuff. He's only one and a half but they are in full swing.

 

Tonight he is at his dad's. I went over there for a few hours, I caught the tail end of bath time and I felt bad I even went there for a bit. The second he saw me he got all excited but then his dad took him out of the tub and he started crying because he wanted me. I walked into another room for a split second and that was the end of it. It took a good 10 minutes to calm him down. He is so attached to me. This custody thing is getting kinda difficult. He only spends the night twice a month and that's not enough time to get either he or his dad on track with what needs to be done. So I have been going over there when he has his visits to kinda coach dad. For the record, I'm invited, I don't just barge in and make him do things my way. He always calls and asks when I'm coming over but I give them the whole day to bond and stuff, I just pop in for the end of the day stuff. I make sure he's got his earplugs in (dad never remembers), make sure he eats enough (dad underestimates what this kid can put down at mealtime) and reassure dad when our son cries when he puts him in his crib (dad can't handle the crying and finds himself rocking him to sleep or letting a one and a half year old sleep on him all night, which is why the kid cries...he knows dad will give in).

 

I hope that's not the wrong thing to do. I hope I'm not disabling him by making him do things my way. He needs to find his niche and how can that happen if I'm always there? But then again, I put him to bed 28 times to his 2 so I kinda know what I'm talking about.

 

Tomorrow I am so church girl. I am going to church but I'm working the nursery with all the other babies...then they are having a lunch to thank all the volunteers (yum) and then after that I am going to their softball practice. Somehow I ended up volunteering to join the team...I'm not quite sure how that happened. Oh yeah and school starts on Monday. I am a busy busy girl. It's good that way, I'll stay out of trouble.

[BornToResist]

I have probably written this post before.

 

I get these really horrible visions a lot but they are getting worse. I don't know how to stop them. I will be laying in bed just waking up when I get this flash of an awful scene in my son's room, thinking he is broken and dead in a horrible way. I panic and rush and find out he's sleeping like a perfect little angel instead. Or I will get a flash of him laying face down in the bottom of our pool and I flip out and have to go see. Or when I turn to get his towel off the wall in the bathroom and look away for that one second, I see a flash of him choking and drowning.

 

It's haunting me.

 

Right now it's all visions of him because he's obviously the most important thing to me and I am the person who needs to make sure he's protected, but it's happened with animals, people, whatever. I envision these horrible, gory, violent scenes in my head all the time. And it's like a flash. Like how you'd feel if a icky thought popped into your head like of your parents having sex or something and you want it just to go away but it sticks with you...you know what I mean?

[BornToResist]

So I started introducing potty training to my son. I bought him a potty. He even points to it and says "potty."

 

After bathtime last night, I pointed to his new potty and he said POTTY! and so I put his little naked butt on it. He laughed and kept calling it a potty. Then he ran into the living room and pooped on the floor.

[BornToResist]

One of my guy friends called me today. We have an interesting past, we dated for 2 years or so but we were close after that for a very long time, sometimes too close. But I haven't even seen the guy forever but we talk occasionally.

 

He called to tell me his girlfriend thinks she's pregnant.

 

They have been 'together' for a really long time but I didn't react the way I should have. I started asking him all the hard questions right off the bat. I don't know why. I was worried about him. He's a great guy and I don't want him to go through any pain and I guess I automatically assume that since it wasn't planned and they aren't married that it will be a bumpy road. That was stupid of me to jump to that conclusion I guess. When I told him that I was pregnant, he just hugged me and told me I was going to be a great mom.

 

Anyways, I called him back and said sorry for my initial reaction but I just care about him and I know how hard it can be, but I know he will be an awesome dad and good luck with everything and I hope it all turns out the best.

 

I asked him if he was going to get married now and he said yeah he would when he meets the right girl.

 

Sometimes I don't know how to talk to people.

[BornToResist]

That freaking dog is barking again.

 

I'm supposed to go to a concert this weekend. I always feel guilty when I go out while my kid is still awake. Even though he's in great hands, I feel like I'm missing important moments. There's also a ticket for me for a concert on Wednesday, although I said I wasn't going to go. I have too much going on at the moment to be pulling all nighters when I have work the next day. I wonder who he's going to take instead.

 

The dog sounds like it's getting it's butt kicked by another dog.

 

One of my girlfriends called me today. She has a beautiful little girl who is amazing in just about every way. She will steal your heart too, I promise. Anyways, she was asking me about my insurance and specialists and all this stuff. Her daughter's father has a mental illness (she isn't with him, he doesn't play a significant role at the moment). Her daughter started doing this eye fluttering thing (I haven't seen it) and she is worried about her. I have been thinking about this all day long. I can tell how scared she is about her having this illness and I feel for her. Until she gets some sort of confirmation that she either for sure has it or doesn't, it will always be on her mind. That would be so hard to do. Everything about this little girl shows that she is perfect in pretty much every way but still she worries. I hope she goes to a great doctor who somehow is able to ease her mind.

 

I have like 87429387 assignments all the sudden. And they are due on Sunday. My concert day. Darnit. I will take my books to work with me I guess...

 

Okay this is useless rambling.

 

blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahthedogfinallyshuttheheckup. itishardtowritewithoutusingthespacebar.

 

goodnight.

[BornToResist]

He is sick.

 

I'm about to get more sick days in October but he just can't wait for them. He's so adorable though. He woke up at 8:30 am and played til he started rubbing his eyes at 11. I fed him a quick lunch and put him down for his nap around 12, maybe earlier. He slept til almost five. Woke up in a great mood but his nose started running and he felt like he had a fever. I took him to my aunt's and he ran around for a few hours, ate a good dinner and then he's sleeping again. Feels like he has a fever too. I hope it's not his ears. I can tell something is coming on, he smells sick even. I don't know what to do if it was his ears again. I do earplugs every bath, everytime he's near water at all. I make sure he's clean and dry and sleeps propped up a little, I took bottles away over 7 months ago, he doesn't drink anything laying down...I don't know why he got so many ear infections to begin with. We have dogs but I keep him away from them because I'm afraid he's allergic. I hope it's just a bug or something, I hate it when they just give me antibiotics. It's almost been a month since his surgery, hasn't even been off antibiotics a month yet. Blah.

 

My guy friend called me. His girlfriend isn't pregnant. He seemed upset about it. I didn't really know what to say. Then he wanted to hang out with me and drink a lot. I know what happens then so I said we should just hang out a different time. I told my sister in law about it and she said he might have claimed she might be pregnant to see if I'd get upset or not. He started telling me about a cool place he knows where I can buy my son cool clothes and it's right by his work and I should come by.

 

I know he feels something for me but I don't know what it is. I know he's always trying to get me to fool around with him but I don't do that so you think he'd give up.

 

Anyways........................I need to do homework. I'm really excited about this class. I love my teacher. However I'm noticing that I have self destructive tendencies. I love the class, I try my hardest, but in the back of my mind I feel like I know I'm going to fail it. The only way I'd fail it is if I deliberately didn't try or made myself fail. I know that's why I didn't graduate high school. I don't know what to do other than realize that's why I feel insecure and push through it. I hope that works.

 

I also noticed I have like no self esteem at all. I give my son's dad all kinds of hell, I'm always messing with him and giving him a hard time in a joking way. He does it back to me and I cry about it. I feel so lame. I know he's joking and he feels really bad afterwards and says sorry and I say sorry because I'm being stupid but I don't know how to change that.

[BornToResist]

I walked around all day with snot rubbed into my shoulder and I didn't even know. It looks like I've been attacked by a bunch of snails.

 

That is so gross.

[BornToResist]

I feel like crying.

 

My son has another ear infection.

 

I am utterly helpless. I have taken him to the doctor a gazillion times in the past. His little body gets tense and his eyes turn frantic as he searches the room, his eyes keep darting back to the otoscope on the wall. Every time the doctor walks in he grasps at me, points at him and starts crying while trying to crawl over my shoulder. He cries so hard he shakes and he ends up gasping for breath. Today when the doctor handed me the prescription for yet another round of useless antibiotics, my son said "tank you" as tears were streaming down his face and he could barely breathe.

 

I called the ear nose and throat doctor first thing this morning and made him an appointment there since his regular doctor wasn't even open yet. The ENT office fills up with appointments fast so I made sure to reserve a spot for my kid. Then I called my doctor and got him in ASAP just to make sure it wasn't just a cold or flu. But I knew in the back of my mind it was his ears again. I called his ENT doctor. I said he was diagnosed with another ear infection and given antibiotics, should I just start him on those or does the specialist need to see him? They said bring him in.

 

I was so upset that I ran a red stoplight. I just flat out didn't even see it. And of course, it's the intersection that you turn into the police department at. DUH! Of course I got pulled over. By 12 detectives. I didn't even try the usual get-out-of-a-ticket speech because it was such a dumb place to run a light. Grr. I wonder how much that will cost me.

 

I came right home and put the little man down for his nap. It will have to be a short one since I have to run him to the doctor in an hour...

[BornToResist]

I was so overwhelmed earlier.

 

I am always so worried about my son. But I have put it in perspective and you know, I really should be thankful that I have such a great kid and he has a bit of trouble with his ears but tons of kids do. There are so many other things that could be happening and they aren't. For the most part he is very healthy, and he's very happy.

 

I took him to the ear specialist and he told me he has swimmer's ear. It's not the type of infection we are used to. He has a bug which is causing his nose to be runny and all that other stuff but freakin swimmer's ear. An outer ear infection, not an inner.

 

The best part is ear plugs can cause swimmer's ear. So if I don't use ear plugs, he will get an inner ear infection. But if I do use ear plugs, he will get an outer ear infection. BLAH!

 

No way he's going to daycare tomorrow, he is burning up. Poor little guy. His grandma will be watching him. I am so lucky to have so much support. So many people love him. Of course I think he's the most awesome genius baby that this world has ever seen but he has a great family. And it's broad too. I had a good family but they were all under one roof. His familiy is all over. When he's sick, I have like 10 people who expect me to call them and genuinely care about what is going on with him. That is the best feeling ever.

 

That's enough for now. BYE

[BornToResist]

Sometimes being a chick is so much work. I have been feeling psycho for the last week. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for at least 7 fun filled days. But today the curse came. Now my hormones kinda mellowed out but my body is trying to kill me from the outside. My head is pounding, I feel fat and icky, my back hurts, I'm all crampy and tired and irritated.

 

I'm starting a different type of birth control this week. I started my search for birth control like 5 or 6 months ago. I figured that I am NOT ready for another kid, so if I'm on birth control, there's no possibility of immaculate conception even. And when I date, I don't want to try new pills for the first time and flip out and cry/laugh/murder the guy from raging hormones. So finding my fit now is a good thing.

 

Wow, I can smell the estrogen through my computer screen. Has there ever been a more female post..? I doubt it.

 

I applied for a part time job. I don't really know why. I have a full time job but I hate it. The people are rude, fake and demanding. Not that this is unusual, but they aren't paying me enough. When my son or I get sick, they treat me like I'm some slacker that was out partying too hard the night before and called in because I was hung over when it obviously isn't the case.

 

So yeah...I applied. I don't know for sure how I feel about the position though. It would be great if I got it. It would be a mellow job and I could focus on school like I want to. I am just spinning my wheels at the moment, wasting my time. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I want to get school over with and then I can do what I'm planning. But until then, how do I bring in the bacon and still have time to study and be a parent? So a part time job might be the answer. It will make me uncomfortable enough to push myself and work my tail end off in all my classes, meaning I will actually accomplish my goal. But giving up that extra savings would be really, really scary. But there are all kinds of government programs that can help with that too. BLAH what the heck am I so scared of then???

[BornToResist]

Apparently my company is about to go under.

 

They pulled us into conference rooms, departments at a time, and told us that we are all getting a 10% cut in our base pay.

 

Good thing I started looking for a job because there's absolutely no way I can make this work now. I am stingy and hoard money so luckily I'm okay, but it's laughable what I make. I don't think I made this little since I was fresh out of high school. I already didn't make a lot but it was okay, but not now.

 

And then after their little speeches, they say, "well at least we aren't laying you guys off...you should be happy."

 

BLAH!

[BornToResist]

I solved the barking dog problem.

 

There's some pet store company that sends me catalogs all the time and inside is this birdhouse. It looks like a little funky birdhouse but it isn't actually a birdhouse. When it hears a dog bark, it emits one of those supersonic high pitched tones that only dogs can hear. It's hanging in our yard but right above the fence to my neighbor's yard. Since it's been turned on, I have only heard one or two barks. I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE it works and the dog isn't just sleeping and will decided to wake up at 4am and start barking and the stupid thing won't work. If that happened, I would be upset at the dumb dog but also at the stupid birdhouse and for spending money on a useless piece of junk.

 

But so far so good! I hope I hope I hope it's working, crossing my fingers!!!

[BornToResist]

Does time heal all wounds?

 

I don't know about that. I still hurt about everything with my son's dad as if it just happened a month ago but years have passed now.

 

I was talking to him yesterday about everything between us and how all is really good except I don't trust him. At all. He seemed shocked and hurt by this, but I thought it was common knowledge. I don't know.

 

I have been kinda upset and everything resurfaced a little bit. He is doing great. He has everything together for a while now. He has been making solid improvements since the birth of our son. He has kept a solid job, he has disconnected from all his friends who are bad influences, he is off drugs, he has been really really nice (well this one is a little more recent). He expects me to have forgiven him already. But I haven't. I have moved forward, meaning I don't think about it all the time...or maybe I just lock it up because I am really good at that...but it's still there. Deep in my heart and my soul, I am still broken.

 

I don't understand why he lied to me so much, I still feel betrayed by him, I won't put him in a position where he can hurt me. I want to know the truth. I want to know every single thing that happened. I want to know what he was really doing when he lied to me, what he felt, why he did it. I don't know if I really should know or if that would cause me more pain, but I think I want to know. There are just too many things that don't make sense in my head and it still drives me crazy.

 

But is this just holding onto anger and sadness? Is that healthy? Even if he wasn't looking to get back with me, wouldn't it be important just as a healthy person for me to forgive him?

 

I don't know how.

 

When I think about it, it does feel like I'm carrying a bag of rocks or something. It burdens me. But how do I let it go? Is that possible? Or is it normal to feel this way? Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice shame on me, right?

 

I am sick and tired of holding onto this anger and hate.

[BornToResist]

I am never going to be done with school.

 

Well, maybe when I'm like 65.

 

Yay.

[BornToResist]

Tomorrow I am going out to see my brother. I am taking a train, which I'm very nervous about. What I'm even more nervous about is trying to manuever my way around Los Angeles for two hours before my second train boards. I have a backpack, a diaper bag, a double stroller, a carseat, and a 19 month old to juggle.

 

This should be fun.

[BornToResist]

I am quickly becoming obsessed with clear skin. I never get zits, but I have noticed that my skin has clogged pores. I used to be so proud of my porcelain skin but I have neglected it for the past couple years. I have washed it, I have good hygiene and all, but I haven't done the masks and the toners and what not. I watched some infomercial about that mineral makeup so I went to the bare minerals store and bought the starter pack. But when I put it on, it like, highlighted all my little imperfections. So I flipped. I went out and bought masks and toners and whatever and although my face is a little irritated at me, I'm sure it will pay off in a week or so when it's all velevety smooth again. Yeap.

 

Last week I visited my brother and sister-in-law and their crazy clan of children. I actually took the trip because my son's daycare was closed and I didn't have anyone to watch him so I put in for vacation. My sister-in-law who was 9 months pregnant needed someone to watch her kids in case she went into labor, then my brother could be with her in the hospital and she wouldn't have to give birth by herself...so I told her about my days off and she talked to her doctor and set it up to be induced on the day I came out. That way I could watch the kids...someone she trusted, who they all knew and would be okay with all of it.

 

I picked up my son from daycare on Wed and we hopped on a train to their state. It was excellent timing because he is obsessed with "choo-choo's" and so he got to ride on one. It was challenging keeping a 19 month old near me and entertained, but I managed to do it. He was a perfect little angel. My son's grandparents (dad's side) have turned out to be absolutely awesome and lent me a dvd player and a ton of movies so that took up a lot of time, plus just being on the train was wonderful to him. People fell in love with him left and right and were bringing me juice to give to him, or their pens so he could draw, or asking me if he is that e-trade baby (he looks just like that little kid, google it or something). The trip itself took 10 hours or so but he was so good, made me proud.

 

Anyways, once we got there, I couldn't believe what I got myself into. We arrived at 2 or 3 am and got settled around 3:30. By 6:30 all four of my brother's kids were up and he had already taken his wife to the hospital to have yet another kid and so it was all me for 2 days straight. I don't understand a lot of the things they do and I don't know how they do it, but to each their own I guess. Each kid takes a different sandwhich, oh yeah and he left these chocolate candy bar things for snack time which I thought was especially sweet of him, get them all sugared up for me...anyways, each kid likes something different, each kid wants to watch something different on tv, nobody wants to play the same thing yet they all get mad when nobody is playing with them...my son loved it though. He is always the little one and to have all these children was like heaven. He was running after them all, screaming and laughing, he'd tackle them to give them hugs and kisses. He'd go play with them in their rooms, jump on their beds with them (yes I let them jump on their beds, I'm a good aunt) and just had so much fun. I totally realize why people have a ton of kids. Well, maybe not as many as my brother, but kids need kids. If I had another one (not at the moment thank you!) my son wouldn't be so bored, dragging me around. Although I love all the one on one time, I see the perks of multiple children.

 

Anyways, by day 3 I was over it. My brother brought his beautiful baby boy home and I was just grumpy and tired and stinky and ready to leave. Finally I left on day four but now I'm all sad that they are so far away.

 

Figures.

[BornToResist]

I will never, ever be finished with school.

[BornToResist]

I have serious self esteem issues.

 

My son's dad just acted like a 5 year old and now I'm sitting here wondering what it is I did that set him off and what I should do differently.

 

I didn't even do anything wrong.

[BornToResist]

I give my ex false hope because I'm afraid of him. I'm scared he will use my son against me or something. I'm not sure why because I've already lived through the worst of what he could do and came out on the other side okay. But I know that I'm doing this. It's not like he listens anyways when I tell him too much has happened between us, I will never trust him again and it tears me apart to get close to him because all I do is relive everything over and over again. He doesn't seem to hear that part.

 

I haven't really talked to him since the above post happened. I talk to him here or there in regards to our son but that's it. I haven't seen him more than 5 minutes at a time for dropoffs. It's so easy that way.

 

He has this way about him though. He can make you feel like you rule the world and are the most important person on the face of the planet. It's a great feeling. It's temporary, but it's a good feeling. And I think if I saw him making another girl feel that way, I'd want to rip her face off.

 

I just want to move on. I want to drop this baggage off somewhere and move the heck on already.

[BornToResist]

It is so funny how a persons life can flip like a switch; dark and dreary, then BAM lighted and happy.

 

It's all about emotions though. Sometimes I wish you could turn those off like a lightswitch but you can't. Well, I can't at least.

 

My ex and I got too close. I was headed down that slippery slope once again. I was hanging out with him, trying to make him happy, thinking that trying to make it work wouldn't be the worst thing that anyone has ever done.

 

Then...FLIP!

 

I remembered. Haha, yeah I remembered everything that happened. I realized that I was trying to make him happy and be close to him while pushing him away. I was doing such a number to my head. Telling myself that my son should have a shot at having both parents, even if it was just for a minute. But then I don't trust him AT ALL! As I shouldn't. I wanted to hang out and wanted him not to date anyone else but I wasn't able to get close to him because I knew he'd hurt me. It sounds dumb because it is dumb.

 

So I kicked him to the curb. I told him that it wasn't working and he is wasting his time. Nothing I can do about it, it isn't going to work. He took it really well, but now I'm thinking it was just because he doesn't really listen at all.

 

THEN! I met someone. I met perhaps the nicest person I might have ever met in my entire life. I'm not sure why everything lined up exactly how it did, but I'm so freaking grateful. I met this great guy and he really, really likes me. He has done nothing but try to help me in any way he can since he met me. He just wants to be around me and make me smile. He goes way out of his way to be nice. Really far out of his way to be ncie to me. I met some of his family, and they are the same way too. Just really genuinely nice. It's shocking almost.

 

However I feel myself sabotaging everything. I keep thinking in my head that it can't be real or that he must be a freak or something. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm not used to being treated so nice without some sort of consequence? That's why I'm expecting one to pop up anytime? Or maybe I don't think I'm deserving of happiness. In my head I know I am, but the rest of my being disagrees.

 

I don't know. If I can get over myself, this could be such an amazing thing to have happen to me.

[BornToResist]

Fall 2008 semester is over and done with, at 11:59 tonight. I submitted my last essay and closed the book. It's frustrating because she hasn't posted really any of the grades so although the class is over, I have absolutely no idea whether I did good or bad. I had lots of weeks where I nailed everything, but also lots of weeks I was up late rushing trying to get it all done.

 

It doesn't seem like it should be Sunday. I didn't even go to work on Friday but it still feels too soon. I don't know. I don't like my job.

 

Next semester I will be working part time and going to school full time. It should be very interesting, I know it will be hard but I don't think I realize just how hard it will be.

 

I'm tired, I'm going to bed.

 

Life is good.

[BornToResist]

I am freefalling...in a good way...

 

I'm falling so hard for him and I know its safe. I'm not even scared.