A day in the life of...BornToResist

[BornToResist]

I have so much work to do. But I drank too much coffee and can't concentrate on any of it. Plus it's Friday...so in a few hours I'll skip out of here and not think about any of it for a couple of days. Can you say employee of the month?

 

Last night I had another therapy session thingy. It was VERY steriotypical (sp?) as in "lay back...go to your happy place..." Well he didn't say those exact things but it was that sort of feel. It was strange and I couldn't help but think about other things and kinda like I was crazy. I simply cannot concentrate on one thing that long. I don't know how anyone could.

 

So onto a new over analyzed subject. The last time my ex picked up our son, he dropped off some souveniers from one of our trips that he originally said he wouldn't share. I emailed him to thank him...a very short but polite email, and he emailed me back twice. The second one is kinda noteworthy. He's trying to get back together AGAIN. Wha.....? Whatever.

 

I'm so excited for this weekend. And I'm so happy about my medication. I am so so busy and getting out and doing things. It's great. Tonight I'm going out with some friends while the kid visits with his pops, then tomorrow we're going to a parade with a few other friends, then I'm going to church. Sunday I'm doing the nursery at church (woah I'm like super God freak all the sudden...jk) and then painting the nursery some more. I'm so excited.

 

I'm typing like 300 words per minute.

 

Ahhhhhh I'm so amped up. Caffinated.

 

I wish I got paid more. But doesn't everyone...? Maybe if I got some help with childcare I'd be okay. But right now...man. Tight budgets. Gotta get used to it though.

 

All is wellllllll.

[BornToResist]

A frog and a scorpion met on the bank of a stream. The scorpion asked the frog to take him accross on his back. The frog, being good natured but well acquainted with the hazards of scorpions, felt compelled to refuse.

 

"I would like to help, but I know what you are. You are a scorpion, and if I let you on my back you will sting me and I will die."

 

The scorpion pleaded with the frog, using a mix of logic and emotion. "I really have to get accross, and if I were to sting you, we would both drown. You have nothing to fear and you would be doing a good deed."

 

The frog gave in and the scorpion climbed upon his slippery green back. The frog leaped into the water and began swimming. Just as they were about halfway accross the stream, the scorpion raised his tail and stung the frog on the back.

 

"Why did you do that?" the frog asked as they both started to slip beneath the water. "You will die too!"

 

The scorpion replied, "I am a scorpion. It is my nature."

[BornToResist]

I almost got in a car accident this morning. Terrifying! That will wake you up way more than coffee will though. Stupid people driving around without working brakelights. Blah.

 

I'm on a mission. I'm getting everything in my mom's house fixed. I remember what it was like growing up and we had a nice house...but then she let my brother and his family move in and out for years and it got destroyed. Now I'm back and it's just her and I and I already feel pretty low and guilty about moving back in and having a kid, so I'm doing what I can to help around the house. It was so bad. Such a mess, crap everywhere. Most of the stuff was my brother's that he left and much he still hasn't picked up, but I'm doing the best I can with the time I have...which isn't much. I have already cleaned the bathroom, living room, kitchen, dining room, and spare bedroom. I patched and sanded the walls in the spare bedroom and my friend's dad painted it for me (he's a pro painter). Now I'm getting carpet for the rooms that need it and installed for cheap. I'm replacing the light fixtures and refinishing the cabinets. I'm renting a dumpster so I can get rid of the rest of the crap my brother left in the backyard, side yard, and garage. I've done the yardwork for the front yard and will be starting on the back once I get all the stuff out. Today I'm calling places to see how much it would cost to get our fences repaired and fix the fence around the pool. I'm replacing the doors and convinced my mom she deserves new furniture. Then I'm going to have this guy put new floors in the entryway, kitchen, dining room, and bathrooms. I had a plumber come out and fix the faucets and the hose thing out in front. I painted the mailbox and bought grass seed and fertilizer and am redoing her lawn. I'm unstoppable! I think I'm going to paint the remaining rooms, all in good time though. Oh yeah and get baseboards. And new curtains. We need everything.

 

Today is going by so slow. It looks like rain.

[BornToResist]

And the debt continues to rack up.

 

$10,000 - lawyer fees (borrowed from various people and still owe a portion)

$2500 - owed for car

$500 - hospital bill

$500 and something - some previous debt I thought was paid off already

$200 - fillings

$450 - crown

$thousands more - braces!

 

What. I had braces before but my dog ate my retainer and then I went in and they made a new one...only my teeth had already shifted. So my bite is off. They say I'm a "perfect" candidate for invisalign, but that is probably a bit more. I have to go to the orthodontist to find out.

 

I'm trying to do this all NOW because my company is going to be laying off people in like a year or so. Then no more insurance. Or any way to pay people back.

 

I'd really like to get some child support, so I can at least get help paying for daycare. And diapers. Then I'd be able to do it.

 

I start school in January too. Talk about more fees.

 

I heart money. Yippie.

[BornToResist]

My cat died today. My first boyfriend ever gave him to me for our 6 month anniversary or something like 8 years ago. How sad.

 

Last night my ex came to pick up our baby and I walked him out. It was the first time I've really seen him since court. Then back in May. I don't like to see him often. But he called me and was telling me tons of nice things which he does sometimes but it's still nice to hear. He was saying how bad he messed up and if he could do anything to make anything better, he would. He said if I told him to jump off a building, he would. I told him it's a good thing he didn't tempt me with that a couple months ago. But all in all everything was nice. But we still weren't buddies or anything.

 

So I walked him out the next time he came for his visit. It was pouring rain and I ran and put the little one in his carseat and ran back into the house, barely saying anything more than "hello." He seemed shocked but not in an uncomfortable way.

 

Today was his full day with the little one. He came and I had my mom walk him out because I was still in my PJ's. She was out there for a long time. When she came back in she started calling my cat's name in the garage because he's usually just chillin in there. I walked out and that oh too familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach came around...I asked what was up. She said there was a dead cat on the corner and it looked like my cat but she checked and it wasn't. I said I knew it was and got my shoes on. I had gone into the garage earlier that morning and looked for him, which I never do because I know he's always there, and I wondered where he was. I felt funny about it.

 

Anyways, I walked down to the corner and there was a cat wrapped in a green towel. It was all twisted, it's tail going straight out, his front legs going one way, sticking up, and the back legs going another way. He was all fluffed out. I freaking knew. So I got over to him and opened up the towel and just prayed it wasn't....but then I looked at his back at the distinguishing mark and there it was. Of course on came the tears and I picked him up and carried him home. Dead animals are unusually heavy by the way.

 

So of course we had our little moment and I phoned my son's dad. I told him that it was indeed my cat and thanked him for saying something otherwise we never would have seen. There's a terrible storm going on at the moment so I doubt I would have driven around. He said he was really sorry and asked if I wanted him to bring the baby back, if that would help. I said no and thanks again and got off the phone.

 

My mom took him to the vets for me. She is so amazing. She was really upset too but she still did it. So he's being "taken care of."

 

When she got home there was a knock on the door and she opened it up and then came in my room....she had a huge bouquet of flowers. I was completely stunned. She said my ex brought them and said to give them to me and tell me he hopes my day goes better. I couldn't believe it. I ran to the front door but he was already gone, so I called him back up to thank him. He said he hoped I felt better and he was really sorry about my cat. I told him I forgot to give him something for the little one but he said he's been shopping and got bottles, formula, diapers, baby food, cereal, etc and he's headed out to go shopping some more for clothes and stuff for him.

 

I am impressed.

 

I don't even know what to think.

 

I'm sad about my cat but as horrible as it is to think, I already feel better. I feel good that someone cared enough to wrap him in a towel. Things like this do happen unfortunately but someone cared. They stopped in the rain, found something and tried to make him feel better. That makes me happy. And he was getting older. And when I was wrapping him up to go to the vets, there was a chunk of cat hair in his mouth. Not his. So whatever went on, he didn't go down without a fight.

 

And THEN on top of all of that, my ex really shined. What a nice gesture.

 

Now on with my day. But maybe I should just go back to bed....

[BornToResist]

I'm really nervous that I'm going to lose my job. I can't understand exactly why though.

 

The only great thing about where I work is the benefits(not even that great at all, but I have them nonetheless) and pay is pretty good.

 

But I HATE MY JOB. I feel so dumb there. I think I know what I'm doing but then someone comes over and tells me I did something wrong and it makes me feel like crap.

 

Friday I took off cause the little one was very sick. This weekend passed and he was with his dad but came home and seemed better. But then last night I was the one who got sick. I have a fever, can't breathe, blah blah blah. It's great. So I had to call in to my boss and say "yeah I know I missed Friday but I'm not coming in today either, surprise surprise." He just told me to keep him updated and he'd talk to me tomorrow.

 

There is a change in the weather and when I called the daycare to tell them my son won't be in today, she said lots of parents called because they're sick too so something must be going around.

 

But still. I'm flipping out about this job thing.

 

Of course if I cared so much to begin with, why didn't I put in more effort? I have another job lined up that would start in a couple of weeks if I want it so it's not like I'd be stuck between a rock and a hard place. But I'm comfortable where I am...you know that feeling. I may not like my job but if I went somewhere new I'd have to learn new names, learn a new job, make new impressions, the works. I just don't think I got it in me.

 

But if I don't have a job anymore, then I would.

 

BLAH

[BornToResist]

Okay well I didn't lose my job yet. Still employed. I've asked my boss for help and I'm going to get help after I don't sound sick anymore. I don't want to infect the entire building.

 

Hopefully this week will go better than the weekend.

 

You know what's weird...my ex has been REALLY nice about everything. I hope he isn't just trying to get back with me...which I know he is...but I hope he doesn't turn mean once I don't go back to him. But could it possibly be...??? We may be good coparents together...???? I have been praying about it and had my fingers surgically crossed and it's hard to believe but geez do I hope it's true. We're communicating *gasp*! WHAT? Yeah I know. It's crazy. He's telling me I'm a great mom, I'm asking him what he's doing and making suggestions and trying to be very productive. I don't trust the situation yet but I like what it looks like. Hopefully it's not just an illusion.

 

We will see though. He's moving into my town which usually I'd be nervous about but I'm looking at the bright side of things and it could be good...but it sounds like he's been getting away from his druggie friends and trying to do things right. I hope so! I've believed it before and been let down so I won't be surprised if that happens, but a girl can still hope!

[BornToResist]

I got my child support!!

 

I'm going shopping!

 

At babies R us of course. Ah, the life of a mother.

[BornToResist]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

 

I was offered my old job back. It was a job I liked A LOT. But I don't know if it's one of those things where when you go back, will you like it the same...or will it suck? Well I don't know. Here's some lists.

 

Current job - pros

pretty good money

wear whatever I want

have benefits

they have shown they won't fire me for anything...i tested

flexible (can come in early to get off early, etc)

 

Current job - cons

Exactly 30 miles away from my house (up to 50 minute commute one way)

Don't like what I do

Don't like the people

wear and tear on my car

gas money

crappy benefits

30 min lunch

department will be laid to rest this time next year (no stability)

 

Old job - pros

like the people

like the job

3 miles from my house

close to daycare

1 hour lunch (can go home, run errands, or visit son)

my job actually matters, I'm an important part of the team

great benefits

stable

 

Old job - cons

a couple dollars less an hour

very strict

dress buisiness like (new wardrobe)

work with ex's stepdad.

benefits won't kick in for 90 days

probably won't get a raise for quite some time

 

What would you choose? Even though it's a few dollars less, I'm seriously considering it.

 

I don't want to do either of these things for a living, by the way. I want to go to school. More likely to happen the closer I am to home because I will have more time to be with my kid.

 

Decisions, decisions....

[BornToResist]

Okay so maybe the new wardrobe isn't such a terrible thing. I like dressing a little fancy.

 

I can wear heels!!

[BornToResist]

I am in an awful mood today for no good reason.

 

I had a fabulous weekend too. It was much too short but it was good nonetheless. I accomplished quite a bit.

 

But I am in a sour mood. Every little thing is getting to me. I feel like I'm just going to snap at the next little tiny thing. I HATE feeling this way. So there are lots of deep cleansing breaths and sighs coming from my neck of the woods.

 

Everything is going great. I don't know why I feel this way. I just do. *shrug*

[BornToResist]

This cannot be real. My ex and I are getting along. I can't believe it. It's hard to believe but I hope it stays this way. Unfortunately, past events have shown me that it's likely temporary. Doesn't mean I can't enjoy it while it lasts though.

 

Last night I wanted to go to seminar thing at church and I emailed my ex and he came and picked up our son an hour early so I could attend. We talked about upping the visitation time so the little one can get to sleep earlier, and he said he was okay with it, once he gets settled and hopefully a job closer by. WHAT? Crazy.

 

He did call me later and ask if there was any chance of getting back together. It's not exactly on my to-do list. But I don't want to discourage him, if he's trying to change. But I also don't want to give him false hope. He said he stopped doing drugs too. Not like it's the first time I've heard that, but it's still good to hear.

 

It's too bad things got as bad as they did. Because it would be nice to keep that idea that maybe we could work something out and be happy. But that's not going to happen. He killed me emotionally and it's going to take years to get back to who I was. I'm in therapy and on medication because of all that crap. So sorry buddy, I'm not anxious to give you another chance. Well, not in this lifetime anyways.

 

I'm tired. I start my new job in less than two weeks and still haven't given notice to this job yet...yeap. Great.

[BornToResist]

One more thing I forgot to mention. When my ex dropped my kid off after his visit, I was driving home so my mom went out and got him. And my ex apologized to her for being the biggest jerk on the face of the earth. He told her he truly loves me and our son and can't believe he acted that way and he's sorry.

 

WHAT THE HECK

[BornToResist]

Okay so I accidentally encouraged him.

 

He's not right in the head! He has been emailing me a little here and there and said something about how our son did something really intelligent he thought...I replied of course he's smart, he obviously takes after his mother...he emailed me back saying yes I'm smart and something about how he can prove he's worth a second chance. I shot back that he had a second chance, along with a third, fourth, fifth, sixth chance and so on....

 

Then of course my phone rings. He asks for a seventeenth chance or whatever he might be on at the moment. He says he was too doped up to realize how wonderful I was and he can't even look at another girl without thinking about me and blah blah love sappy ick gross.

 

I should have kept my mouth shut. Or...my keyboard quiet. I don't know.

 

Great.

[BornToResist]

WHAT

 

I emailed him earlier to ask how his job search is going and I wanted to know when he would be leaving because right now our son is covered on his and my insurance. I'm quitting my job this week so my insurance will end November 1st. Little one needs shots November 7th as well as his baby checkup.

 

He called me. He said he could stay at his job until shots are done if need be. He asked if I was leaving my job for something better...and I replied well for something familiar. I'm going back to my old job. My old job where he met me. He happens to have connections to that job and it looks like I do now as well. The owner of the company is my son's grandpa. Well, step-grandpa. He said he'd try to pull a couple strings to see if they'd put me on insurance right once I start so the grandbaby will be covered.

 

I'm shocked. WHAT? That'd be AWESOME.

 

Then he asked me out to coffee on Sunday. I said I didn't know what to say and that's all he was getting.

 

SHR 0938rn3wor4h *bangs head on keyboard*

 

What am I getting myself into. I don't even mean to be. When I try to stop it, it happens anyways. It was when I WANTED to be together that he acted like a jerk and didn't want to work on anything.

[BornToResist]

About an hour before I get off of work, I start getting extremely giddy. I open like 10 different programs and close them all before they even have time to open because I have no patience whatsoever...I'll go on a website and then immediately lose interest and go to a new one.

 

It's very tiring but happens every single day.

 

I start fidgiting and moving around in my chair...and taking my sweater or jacket on and off...moving papers around...putting my stuff away and remembering I'm supposed to be doing something with it and take it out again.

 

I don't know why! It's like I'm nervous.

 

I'm excited to see my baby but I know that's about two hours away including the drive so it's not that I'm giddy about that...

 

It's strange. And tiring.

[BornToResist]

You know when you open up your jewelry box that you either forgot about or just haven't gotten into for a couple years? Well there's always that ball of tangled chains that are really fragile but now it's such a mess that it looks like the pieces have been mysteriously welded together. That's how it feels inside my head. Only tangleness covered with cotton candy. Tangled and fuzzy.

 

On a lighter note...I took the day off. It's columbus day or something so there's no daycare. I went to the movies late last night with some friends and got up late. Called in to my disappointed boss, had a cup of joe, and went back and took a two hour nap. Now my little one is rolling around on the floor...he found the remote and changed the tv from some teletubbies-spongebob-colorful show to some infomercial about colon cleansers and turned the volume all the way up. Heaven forbid I take that thing away from him though. So if anyone happens to be walking by or within ear's distance of my house, all you hear is "the importance of a healthy colon" blasting through the windows.

 

Haha.

[BornToResist]

I just remembered.

 

Things are only as complicated as I let them be. Nothing is confusing. Except for me. I'm confusing myself.

 

Everything is quite simple, actually.

[BornToResist]

I just put in my two weeks notice. My stomach is doing flips.

 

I was unsure. I prayed and asked to be shown which direction to move into because I am so lost and confused. Then it took me an hour and a half to get to work. I figured that was my sign and quit when I got in. I emailed my new boss and told her when I'd be starting.

 

I'm still really, really nervous though. What if they think I'm just going to know how to do everything the second I walk through the door? I've been working at this job for the past couple years...I don't remember clerical work so much. And I'm going to be without insurance for THREE months. Bad.

[BornToResist]

So my therapist person told me I'm what you call a "codependant." Apparently that's not such a great thing.

 

Turns out there's support groups and stuff for this sort of thing. Like groups that they have for drug addicts and alcoholics.

 

I did some research to find out what it is but it's still not clicking. I guess I understand. I don't mean to do those things, but they just seem like what I should do. I guess it's the jist of it though. You don't know what you want or who you are. You have no boundaries. You just do what you think people want you to do.

 

It happens a lot with children of alcoholics I guess. My dad was one. Well, still is probably.

 

Hm. How do I go about fixing this?

------------------------------------

Okay I justr read more and am even more confused. I see that yes, I tend to get into lots of relationships with addicts. I don't do it on purpose. They just always turn out to be one. Then when I realize the relationship is going sour, I stay. Because they "need" me. I can't leave them then. BLAH okay well I'm officially crazy I guess.

 

At least it was my therapist who told me about it, not some voices in my head. Then I'd be really crazy.

[BornToResist]

I got another child support check! Woah! I thought the first one was some kind of gliche or mistake. I haven't even deposited the first one yet, I'm afraid of it or something. Now I have two? What?

 

This can't be right. It sure will help a great deal, but man. Can't really believe it.

[BornToResist]

My baby and I share a bed. This has worked out wonderfully so far. But last night was an awful experience!

 

I woke up hearing him tossing and turning and wimpering a little. I just turned over, but then decided I should check on him. I felt for him, and I felt something around his neck. And it was tight! He was wimpering and I was trying to get this blanket or whatever it was from around his neck and couldn't figure it out. I started frantically pulling at it and finally it started to come off.

 

Then I realized he had turned around and his feet were where his head usually is. It wasn't a blanket or anything around his neck at all. I had taken off his diaper. Nothing was wrong at all.

 

Freaky.

 

I'm getting new floors in his room hopefully today and up goes his crib. That scared me pretty badly.

[BornToResist]

My best friend is in labor. She is denying she is, but there's no doubt about it. And she wants me there. I feel so unbelievably great...wow. I'm so excited for her, I cannot wait to see that baby. She's called me pretty much every day of her pregnancy and we've gotten pretty close. I'm so happy. I haven't had a friendship like this in quite some time. And we'll both have babies...yay. She's supposed to get induced and I'm going to take the day off of work. My son goes with his pops this weekend so I'll be there when she needs me. It feels good to be leaned on when someone is in such an important place in their lives.

 

And I got some interesting news. My ex came to pick up the little one tonight, as usual. Since the baby was born, we have lived as far as two people can live from each other while staying in the same county. It was nice. If you go one mile either way, you're in different counties. It took close to two hours to get to his house. It was okay.

 

Well he moved to my town. Not awful, but a little closer than I would like. I grew up here and lived in this town most of my life...I've moved around a lot but the main point is this is my home. I have those hole-in-the-wall restaurants that only I know about, I have my secret places I go, my routines. The places I walk that I've been going to since I was little, etc. I always end up here. And I'm back. And it's nice.

 

Well like I said, my ex moved here too. Far enough away that we don't see each other. At all. Except for the times we're supposed to see each other. We were on pretty much opposite ends of the town.

 

BUT....*cue dramatic music*

He rented a place that's about ONE MILE from my house. Yeap. One mile.

 

I was thinking about all the pros to this situation for most of the night. Saying, "well he'll be RIGHT THERE so if he forgets to bring something home, he can go grab it" or "he'll be RIGHT THERE so if I take too many sick days, I can tell him he needs to stay home for once and drop the little one off with him" and things like that. Then. It hit me. It totally hit me on the side of the head like a pillowcase full of doorknobs. BAM and OUCH.

 

He's going to be RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE! Hey, guess who's shopping at my neighborhood supermarket? That's right! Hey, who's that at my favorite mexican restaurant? Oh yeap, that's him! Is that...oh yeah, it is! He's behind me at this stoplight! (who's that in their car outside my house?? yeah oh how sweet...NOT)

 

Arggajkfhakljerhnslfbsdf

 

But now I have the mindset....BRING IT ON. You can't dish out anything I can't handle, buddy. You want to be close to me, against my will? You want to awkwardly watch my life from a distance? Well fine. You'll get to know me alright. You want to spy, that's fine. But don't come crying to me when you run into me with that guy from next door. Or don't get all bent when you see me driving with one of my really great guy "friends."

 

I have good morals. I live a decent life. I try to do the right things. But I'm not about to have him impose on me. Not a chance, buddy.

 

OKAY -breathe in-breathe out-

Vent is over.

 

Now I'm going to go back to being excited about that little baby girl I get to meet in a day or so....

[BornToResist]

I have been thinking about the previous situation.

 

I'm being unfair. A tad. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now. My son deserves a father who wants to be as close as possible. He deserves a father who cares enough to make changes for him. He deserves his father to be the best person he possibly can. He doesn't have to be driven around for hours every couple of weeks. That's such a great thing.

 

This is in the best interest of our child.

 

I immediately thought of myself and my wants. Not what my kid needs. This is way better than I could have asked for. My son will never be that far from me. We can communicate like good parents.

 

This is possibly one of the best things he could do for our son.

[BornToResist]

Today is my last week at this job. I'm so excited! It took me about 40-50 minutes to get to work and half a tank of gas. This time next week that will be no more! Woop.

 

I still have to go shopping though. My brother and sister-in-law are coming out this weekend and she is the ultimate shopping partner so I'll drag her along with me to give me fashion advice.

 

I'm so excited about everything! All is going very, very smoothly.

 

This weekend my best friend had her baby. She is absolutely beautiful. I decided that I'm going to arrange a marraige between my son and her daughter. Yeap. I am.

 

Her labor was incredibly smooth. I took off work on Friday because she asked me to be there and I was in the delivery room until the doctor came in and said it was time to push. Three contractions and she was out. CRAZY. I hung around until it was time to pick my son up from daycare and went and visited her later after my ex picked up the baby. The next day was my son's day with his dad too and she ended up calling me asking me to come help her out. I watched the baby while she got a bit of a nap. It was nice to help.

 

Sunday I went to church. It was also really great. There's this other single mother there who's a little younger than me and I gave her my number and we're going to hang out. She seems really nice and just moved out here and doesn't know many people at all. Her son is a year and a half I think and crazy...should be interesting.

 

After church I went home and we got carpeting put in through the hall and in my son's room. I set his crib all up and got the nursery done. It is SO CUTE!

 

Now I'm at work...watching the clock...there's so much to be done today.