feel sick to the stomach, she told me something about her past...

[Massari]

I though my gf (3months together) was a virgin before sleeping with me..cause when we had sex for the fisrt time she bleed, last night she said that did sleep with her ex(2 years) when they were together. but it wasn't sex like her tried but she said no or something.. I DUNNO what happened.. I just feel like crap right now.. the reaosn they broke up was cause of this not cause she didn't love him as much as she loved him (that was the reason she told me before) has anyone been in a situation like that before? what do I do here? why do I FEEL like sh**, betrayed and why did she tell me this after 3 months . she TOLD Me she was a virgin the first week we were together and I was too before we slept with eachother... this is too harsh..

[rose2summer]

I have been guilty of doing this. I think it's how you define things, do you believe in it as being sex or making love? I was raped and was totally embarrassed about it so I didn't want to tell anyone and said I was a virgin. I slept with my bf at the time immediately thereafter so that I wouldn't be traumatized from the rape, but it wasn't out of an act of love, it was an agreement between us that I didn't want to view sex as being violent or scary. When I met my recent ex, I said I was a virgin, but confessed thereafter when I was ready to tell him about the rape, many many months before we even slept together. Was I wrong to do that, of course. Find out her reasons for telling you she was a virgin, it wasn't right of course of her to do that, but she may have a very good reason, protecting herself maybe.

[Massari]

we made love.. she had tears saying she is so inlove with me (that was 2 months ago ) we made love but what they had if anything wasn't love I am sure..

[Beec]

He forced himself on her? Many women would still consider themself a virgin in this kind of circumstance. Also, she told you because she now trusts you. She feels close enough to you to tell you she was raped, which it sounds like she was. She trusts YOU.

 

My point is that you shoudl feel good about being trusted now.

[Steven1607307306]

Sometimes crooked women prefer to play with men's emotions. She may be lying about it to see if you'll break-up with her. Now I'm not so sure if your big on sex, or not, but if I were you I'd tell her straight up, "Lie to me again, and we're through. Keep your chin up, if she cares about you she'll stop lieing, as long as you keep her in check.

[Momene]

Tough one but it's quite common for people to open up more as a reltionship goes on.

[Massari]

I was so kept shocked.. couldn't feel my feet for a while she kept saying why am I freaking out over this?, why would this change anything, she said I am all yours and I wanna marry you and al .. btw she is 18 now.. at the time when she was with her ex.. she was 17 I think. I have never been this confused..

[Hope75]

I'm a little unclear, is she saying he forced himself on her?

 

What exactly did she tell you?

[Steven1607307306]

I think you're reading too much into it. We're you a virgin before you guys had sex?

[Massari]

I am unclear also.. no he didn't force her to however he was more eager to do it. So I asked her what the hell happened she doesn't tell me the detail she is like no it doesn't matter its in the past and we are happy together.. but she keep saying she was a virgin before she slept with me. but then she said she slept with him but it wasn't anything like what we had. I dunno I just wan to vomit right now, I can't feel my feet

[Massari]

I think you're reading too much into it. We're you a virgin before you guys had sex?

 

yes I was a virgin..

[Beec]

Massari, take some time and space for you to deal with this. Don't do anything drastic, don't talk about it. Let it sit in you for a while and see how you feel.

[Massari]

I'm puzzled, as well.

Are you upset because she's not a virgin?

 

I'd be upset she was abused, and would want to be supportive to someone I love, not judgemental about how she dealt with a troubling event.

 

I am upset that why she lied to me and I want to know what happened between them.. as a bf I deserve to know.. I never hide anything from her about my ex.

[RayKay]

I still don't quite understand either...I don't get from it she was actually raped, though maybe she was not really ready and gave in to the "pressure" from him, which sucks, but is not the same.

 

If this is the case, I too would be upset at the deception (especially as there is also a need for testing in that case BEFORE you were intimate). While it may "mean more" now, the fact is it did happen, and so there were added risks to you in believing she was a virgin when she was not.

 

I am assuming she was worried you would reject her, so kept it from you.

 

If she was raped, I can understand her desire to keep it quiet, but still there would be a need to be tested beforehand, even if she said she wanted you both too just "to be sure".

[Paranoid]

From what it sounds like, he wanted to have sex with her and she had a moment where she didn't want to have sex with him. Being 17 and a female, she was probably weaker than him and basically he could do whatever he wanted. If she was unwilling, I wouldn't count it as sex. It might not have been rape, she might not have been unwilling the whole time. But at one point, either right before or right after it started, she didn't want to do it. I think it's more than her just regretting it, it's something that she didn't want.

 

If you really want to find out the reason, you have to sit her down and CALMLY talk to her. You can't get angry about it if you want to know the truth. You can't ask her "what the hell happened." Maybe she truly believed that she was a virgin and that first time didn't ever happen. If she bled, it's possible that it never happened...that it just got close to happening, maybe "just the tip."

 

It's really impossible to know what happened unless you talk to her, but you HAVE to be calm about it.

[Steven1607307306]

Honestly, what's the point of knowing what happened between them? Get your head out of your * * * and worry about your future together, instead of her past with him. She didn't know she would have met the love of her life (YOU!) when she chose to be with him. Stop worrying about it. It's her past with another boyfriend. Knowing isn't going to make your relationship any better.

[Dako]

I might be misunderstanding this.

If she had been raped, she needs understanding, not anger.

[Hope75]

I know that for myself I used to feel awkward sharing with a new partner my sexual past. Enough to know that we needed to protect ourselves because I had had other partners in the past, but not really the details.

 

I wonder if maybe she just felt uncomfortable having had a partner before you and knowing that you were a virgin... she may have felt you would feel badly that you weren't each other's firsts....maybe she just didn't want to hurt your feelings so she didn't tell you, and it snowballed from there?

[BellaDonna]

but it wasn't sex like her tried but she said no or something

 

 

no he didn't force her to however he was more eager to do it

 

The post did not read as if she had been raped or abused.

 

To the original poster, I can see why you'd be upset about the fact that she lied to you. That's what stands out.

 

I think it's also a dangerous kind of lie because even though you should have used protection regardless, you may have been under the impression that it was "safer" sex (less risk of STD's) because you were both virgins.

 

I guess you have to ask yourself if you can trust her again. Ask her why she lied to you. If her answer is not acceptable in your eyes and you don't think you can trust her after this, then this relationship might not have a future.

 

Personally, I think it's kind of twisted to lie about something like that. It shows a level of manipulation and a love for drama. What's next, lying about pregnancy or lying about other things? I dunno,for me it would be a dealbreaker. I would not need to know details, etc.- but I would want my partner to be honest about the number of partners and whether protection was used.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Steven1607307306]

Personally, I think it's kind of twisted to lie about something like that. It shows a level of manipulation and a love for drama. What's next, lying about pregnancy or lying about other things? I dunno,for me it would be a dealbreaker. I would not need to know details, etc.- but I would want my partner to be honest about the number of partners and whether protection was used.

 

 

BellaDonna

 

*Claps* Thank you for saying what I couldn't quite get out.

[Meow18]

I would be hurt and upset too. Not only did she lie to you, but she didn't tell you the truth until after you had sex. Then she wonders why you are so upset about it??

 

It's not fair to be upset about her past life. I mean, that happened before you came along. But you shouldn't let her lie. She needs to respect you more than that.

 

I think you need to have a serious talk about this.

[Dako]

Massari

Sorry I misunderstood.

[Massari]

I didn't explain it well either.. she told me all this last night on the phone.. and I am not in my best shape right now to talk nor to make good decisions. I just need to think about it and I am sure its not a big deal, I just want to know why she didn't tell me this before?

[RayKay]

I think waiting to think things through is a good idea Massari.

 

Your reaction right now is completely normal and understandable.

 

I think one one hand it is good she came clean, but yes, I too am worried about the lie due to the dishonesty and ramifications of that lie. Honesty is important...she did not need to say all the details, but being honest that she had had a sexual experience before would of been important to know I think, and she should not have said she was a virgin.

 

I suspect she did not tell you as she was worried how you would react/feel towards her knowing she was not a virgin like you, or she was not comfortable with her decision or the experience (even if it was consensual, she may have felt pressured etc) to admit it.

 

Whatever her reason, this can cause some big trust issues so you need to really think before approaching this.

[Beec]

The post did not read as if she had been raped or abused.

 

 

Not the impression I got, but I could be wrong.