If my boyfriend is turning emotionally abusive, I will NOT put up with it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Are you sure this is over with? He may still apologize.

 

Dont give up hope.

[whatsagirltodo]

I will not give up hope that he could apologize, but it still doesn't excuse his behavior.

 

I'm just so upset that I don't want anything to do with him right now. The fact that he's had all day to apologize, and even though i caught him off guard by just appearing at his work (which is a nationally-known drugstore, not like an office or anything where it would be weird for me to just show up randomly) is what bothers me.

 

My best friend just got dumped by her fiance last week, and i've been helping her, so i've talked to her today and she's being supportive. She thinks he will apologize too. I just want something to happen soon, i don't care if it's good or bad, i hate just waiting. My friend said she'd call me when she got out of night class tonite. I don't think my bf will call me tonight since he works until 10pm...but who knows.

[whatsagirltodo]

31 hours later...I at least thought I'd have an email this morning considering my (soon-to-be-ex?) boyfriend worked until 10pm last night.

 

Nothing.

 

No apology, no nothing. ...Do I just wait for him to contact me? This is a ridiculous game that I just want to be over. I was nothing but good to him...he was mean to me out of nowhere for no reason at all, and he hasn't spoken to me since the incident Monday night.

 

What gives???

[nottoogreen]

Don't torture yourself girl. He is a loser of a player.

 

Drop a rotten hot patato me thinks.

[SarahRose]

I agree with the others that it is best to move on. Apologies don't mean anything if they keep doing it.

 

My ex was and still is a verbal abuser. Sure he would apologize sometimes but he still continued name calling, insults, put downs.

 

Just the other day on the phone he starts ordering me around tell me do this and don't do that and I said "look I'm not married to you anymore and nobody talks to me like that" and I hung up.

[Momene]

It just is so weird how he can just act one way then the next second act another way...is this his depression or a really bad personality trait?

 

BOTH!

[whatsagirltodo]

Momene,

 

Do you think he could be bipolar?

 

I don't want to try and diagnose him, or worry about him, but I just want him to be healthy. I think that if he doesn't call tomorrow I will call his mom (not telling her we broke up or anything) but tell her that he has been acting oddly and to keep a close eye on him because I'm worried. If anyone can bring him to his senses it's his mother - and I'm REALLY going to miss his mom. I see her and tell her i love her more than my own mom...

[Momene]

He may well be but unfortunately, he is the one who has to seek help. A 2nd opinion from his mum would at least make things more clear for you, though.

[RayKay]

Yeah...um....I wonder what is going on. I would not be thinking bipolar if he has apparently "never done this before".

 

I think he is hiding something...whether he acted that way to force a breakup, or whether he is feeling guilty for something I don't know.

 

Either way - with that treatment, and a lack of apology......I would say walk away. Send his mum a card saying thank you for her great hospitality, but I would advise against saying "there is something wrong with your son" based on this one episode. I really think this is more a...relationship....thing than a personality disorder given the fact he has not done this before.

[NJRon]

At this point it's rather moot what the issue is. You need to focus on the actions, not the reasons why. His actions do not support a loving relationship. He has shown a severe lack of respect. It doesn't matter why he is doing it. It's really time to move on and don't set yourself up for further abuse. If he comes back with apologies at this time, you need to stand your ground.

[valiantv]

Just to be devil's advocate here, I've seen certain people get *really* strange when very drunk, and I'm talking about switching between joking around and "play-fighting" to serious sh*t, completely unreasonable and often abusive - but always weird behaviour, within seconds.

It happens - always to the same people - when drinking spirits (vodka, whiskey, absynthe, or drink combined with medication) - then they don't remember it the next day. Are you sure he remembers what he did? He's not going to apologise if he doesn't.

 

I don't need to tell you you are right not to put up with abuse, but if you still love him and want him back, and if drink was the cause, then tackling the drink is the answer - if he is like that because he is drunk, he must not get drunk. Or at least have him switch to beer or something (doesn't seem to have the same effect)

 

I might add, you say he is going through a lot in his life and that might have been the cause for his binge, that might be an explanation but it's not an excuse. And for every habit, there's a first time. Whatever the explanation, he must bear responsibility.

 

I've always thought that people deserve a second chance though if they acknowledge their mistake properly - just not always a third chance.

[NJRon]

Why would someone's binge drinking have such a profound effect on the way he acted toward her when she came to meet him at his work?

 

His second chance was when he saw her. He didn't say anything then or afterwards.

 

Drunk people sometimes do things they wish they had not done. It does not erase remorse. It can erase memory, in which case, he should be acting normal since he wouldn't remember doing anything that he would feel remorseful about.

 

Being bipolar does cause people to act erratic. It does not erase remorse either.

 

When you are with someone you care about, you do not stare at them silently when they come to your workplace and see you. You respond.

 

His lack of response shows he is withdrawing. Making excuses for him (drinking, metal issues, stress, etc.) does not erase the fact that he is acting in a way that is jeopardizing a relationship. If he does not have the maturity to recognize that and make the changes he needs to make, or at the very least open a dialog, then he is not mature enough for a relationship.

 

If things continue down this path, the relationship will get worse. Even if there is a supposed "excuse" for the behavior, not communicating is no way to for an individual to participate in a healthy relationship. Hence, the relationship is unhealthy (regardless of the cause) and should be treated as such.

[valiantv]

Why would someone's binge drinking have such a profound effect on the way he acted toward her when she came to meet him at his work?

 

His second chance was when he saw her. He didn't say anything then or afterwards.

 

You're right actually I just read that bit more carefully... Just wanted to be sure he remembered what he did.

[whatsagirltodo]

I am focusing now on more of his actions, instead of his reasons behind them...i mean, i'm really disgusted by the way he acted and if he had the slightest bit of respect for me, he wouldn't have done this...especially not calling me or emailing me (he usually calls me at least once everyday) and when we have a fight and he doesn't call, he'll usually text me or email me. Something is going on, but it has NOTHING to do with me.

 

You have to understand, if you've read previous posts of mine where i was having trouble coping with his depresssion, that he has been depressed and things haven't been great between us...but he has never made me feel so low and so horrible as he did monday nite.

 

Even though I could talk about the couple "red flags" i've seen (and haven't ignored, but thought we got over them) We have had a lot of great memories, and I don't have any regrets. I'm just upset at his sudden change in personality, that i have been seeing more lately since things are going really horrible for him.

 

When we came back from the beach (which we even stayed an extra night together!!) I was never more sure that I was in love with him. After his surprise verbal beating he gave me the other night, I'm not so sure I am in love with him...can feelings change that fast? Or is it just that side of him? I do love him...I will always love him...but after this incident, it just turns my stomach thinking about him. Right now I feel like I have no feelings for him. I love him but not in-love...

 

Anyone who can treat me (or anyone else) like this, repulses me.

 

Guess the only thing I can do is wait...I do want to give him his couple movies back though...I don't ever like borrowing stuff from people in the first place, but now it's just wayy weird to have stuff that belongs to him.

[whatsagirltodo]

I talked to my friend who was just dumped, and she is doing really bad, and is pretty stalkerish. So I didn't feel bad that when I got off work today, i drove past my boyfriend's work (it's 10 minutes longer to get home, but it's still on my way!!). I just had to know if he was there, so I could know if I could possibly be getting a call from Mister I-was-a-jerk-even-though-you-were-a-great-girlfriend.

 

I actually had a really good day, things at work are stressful but I accomplished a LOT. I hope that boy is miserable. Oh yeah, he was at work so that means he works until 10pm tonite so I probably won't be getting a call. I'm usually the one doing the calling and crying and stuff when we are fighting, but not this time. This time I sooooo want to just give him a piece of my mind...but I'm a lady, and I believe in the phrase: If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

 

However, the B-word in me may just tell him that I have nothing nice to say to him, if we do ever talk, and leave it at that.

[whatsagirltodo]

I had a job interview today and a doctor's appt this morning and things went horribly. It was just a bad day, so i gave in and called my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend. I called him and he just joked around and didn't give me a sincere apology. He's on his way to my house now to take me out to dinner. He said he didn't understand why I wanted to go, but I want to give him his stuff, and talk in person. I feel like he owes me something, and I feel like it is so immature for us to break up over the phone.

 

I know he doesn't want to face me, because it's so much easier for him to break up with me when he doesn't have to look at me...and the b-word in me, wants to put him through an uncomfortable dinner of break-up talk. I know he loves me, and I know that he knows he hurt me, and so I think this is the only way I will be able to feel like I took control of the situation and my only chance to face him one last time.

 

I don't want the last time we saw eachother to be that day at his work, with that look on his face. Maybe this is stupid, but I just feel like to end it all, I just need to face him.

 

He said something about I want the last word, and now i think i'm seeing what he means, but I don't think that was entirely my intention...or maybe i didn't realize that that was my intention...whatever it is, this feels good.

 

I want to be able to look him in the eye and let him know it's over. ...I just have to try to be nice, and not blow up at him with all the anger i've built up against him...

[whatsagirltodo]

I've gotten so many responses and so many views to this thread that I feel like I want to keep updating, because I know I hate when I read a thread and you never find out what course of action a person took and how things finally turned out.

 

So if you don't want to keep seeing this thread over and over, sorry!!

 

My bf came to my house last night. He seemed really upset and I'm getting the impression that he's dragging this out because it's not what he really wants. It doesn't matter to me what he wants, lol. I need to do this in person, i just feel like it's so immature for him to want to talk over the phone. It's like he's not man enough to face me. Like I said before, he has always wanted to break up because he's "not good enough for me" and i "deserve better" according to him.

 

So I tried to talk and he looked sad. We weren't intimate at all, but he finally became friendly enough towards me (instead of sad) that we ordered pizza and rented a movie. I felt fine not being intimate towards him, although it was a bit awkward. It was late and he ended up sleeping at my house until 4:30 in the morning (he had to be at work at 7 am and first had to drive 45min home to change, and then 45min back to my area for work). We slept in the same bed, but it wasn't intimate at all.

 

He refused to take his bag of stuff that i was giving back to him, and I walked him to the door when he left and we had an awkward hug.

 

I text him a few minutes later b/c we never discussed the cell phone issue (he is on my plan) but turns out he forgot his phone on my porch. So i drove it to him to his work this morning. It was again awkward, and he said we should talk and I told him i wanted to do it in person, and not over the phone. So he's coming to my house tonight when i get off work.

 

I think his head is telling him we should breakup but his heart is telling him he doesn't want to. Do you know what i mean? It seems like he's all for it, but won't take his stuff back and won't really talk about it. I don't know, I just want to move on, but at the same time, the part of me that fell in love with him isn't quite ready to let go...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I havn't read the other responses.

 

Never base anything on a one-off. Drunk, people change completely. Personally, I'd give it the benefit of the doubt this ONE time, if your relationship really IS fine/good in every other respect and you havn't had any other warning signs.

 

Some people, especially around the 16-25 age bracket, are just prone to being immature jerks.

 

I know because I am one. I was a lot worse than I currently am, but I'll admit I have anger, depression and general issues with everything from my eating to my insecurities, and occasionally I just lose it, which can take the form of being emotionally abusive.

 

Do I ever really mean it? No. Do I always apologise, explain and regret afterwards? Yes.

 

So is this likely to be anything serious if, as I said, it was a drunken one-off? No.

 

Good luck, I'm hoping it doesn't become a regular occurrance. If it does, leave.

 

AHHH..having read all responses now, I honestly don't think it's worth breaking up over. I go through such drama on a fairly regular basis and it's something that just...happens with some people.

 

Basically, if it's just all too much hassle compared to how much you enjoy being with him, end it. It's a question of what outweighs what.

[Aurian]

If it was one-of, I would have given him a second chance, with that explosion. However, it is his behavior AFTERWARDS that makes me say, give him the boot.

 

He did not apologize. He did not explain. It seems like he still has not apologized. I think the lack of the apology is awful. To me, its like he thinks this is okay, that because he was drunk/depressed, its okay to lash out at your girlfriend like that. It is not. You can be depressed or stressed, but its never okay to verbally abuse someone!

 

You can still love someone but not want to be in a relationship with them anymore. If he keeps avoiding you and the subject, personally, I would just drop off his stuff on his doorstep and stop contacting him. No contact would let you heal and move on.

[whatsagirltodo]

He came over last night. We talked for a bit, but just decided to go to dinner to seriously talk. We went out and we were having a good time, and I told him that this is what i liked. I love just hanging out with him. I always have a good time with him. We talked and talked and it's so confusing because we love eachother, but he is not in a place in his life right now where he is comfortable in a relationship. It was so weird because last night we each got separate checks...at that point we were talking, but weren't sure what we want, what's best for us, and how it was going to work. Neither of us have time for a relationship, but it is easier for me to make time in my schedule than it is for him to make time. I know he feels stressed because of everything, and he feels guilty that he can't contribute to this relationship as much as he would like.

 

I don't know what the other night was...he doesn't even know. He apologized and explained what he could. Part of it is him trying to push me away, because of what i said above.

 

Anyway, so we hadn't been intimate at all, no kisses just a few awkward hugs. I told him, that I want him to be in my life, and I love him, but i can't just be his friend and pretend like i don't want to throw my arms around him and kiss him when we're together. I'd feel like i'm pretending to be someone i'm not.

 

So we watched some movies and he slept at my house. I was being lovey-dovey, but he wouldn't let me kiss him even when I asked him. He said it's too weird. We slept and this morning, we woke up several times (because it was uncomfortable in my little bed!!) Again, I was being touchy-feely, and after an hour or two, i kissed his lips and he kissed me back.

 

We ended up having sex for like 2 hours. At the end of which, he asked me what we were doing. I told him that I love him (and he told me he loved me too) and my feelings aren't going to just change, but I'm okay not defining our relationship in any terms.

 

I know other people may not understand, because a lot of people think everyone's goal in dating is to become married...that's not my attitude at all. So I guess we're no longer a couple, just "dating". And we're free to date other people...but the thing is, we don't want to date other people...he told me i could, and i don't want to, i'm just so uninterested...and he said that he definitly won't be dating anyone because he "hates people"...whatever that may mean. (like i said before, he has no friends!!!)...

 

I think he feels pressured into being a stereotypical boyfriend, and he doesn't know what he's suppossed to do, or how he's suppossed to act...and he admitted to me last night that he's scared of failing. He said lately nothing is going his way, and i think he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want to lead me on all this time making me miserable until he is ready to live up to his title as "the boyfriend". He does want a future with me, but can't see how i can be happy in this relationship right now with the way his life is.

 

I know if anyone reads this they'll probably only have a "you're doing the wrong thing" attitude, but don't hesitate to post. I know this probably isn't a good thing and we should probably just go NC, but I just feel so content and relieved right now. I'm happy about this...Hopefully I will stay happy.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is very very confused and in the long run, this now "friends with benefits" situation is going to really really hurt you. Right now you are relieved that you are still in contact with him, but over time, you will likely become very frustrated. You should read other posts on "friends with benefits". Whenever someone harbours feelings and hopes that the relationship will eventually work out, the "friends with benefits" situation becomes very painful.

 

He is in a very bad place right now and he needs to work this out on his own. You may want to be there for him but you have and ultimately it has left you in this situation. He gets the benefit of having you in his life, a no strings attached sex partner, and no incentive to heal himself. Walking out of his life could give him a big dose of reality and allow him to work out his issues so that the two of you can have a healthy relationship. However, if that won't even give him the incentive to work on himself, you will have saved yourself more years of upset and feeling miserable and used.

 

I have responded to you in the past with regards to my own situation and I have had to walk out of this guy's life because he was also very troubled and insecure and couldn't give of himself. I have not contacted him since the end of April, nor has he contacted me. It is not easy but after almost 4 years of trying to be patient and understanding, I reached the point where I was "sick and tired of being sick and tired".

[whatsagirltodo]

I've been thinking about this all day. That's not what I want this to turn into, just "friends with benefits" but I'm afraid that's all it will be, even if we do really care about eachother. I'm just going to take the next few weeks slowly, and if I don't like the direction this relationship is going into, we will have to have another talk, i guess.

 

One thing I said to him was that he never did and no longer needs to feel like he needs to call me everyday (because we talked every single day for the past year, only twice did we go longer than a day)...His reply to that, was that he always called me because he wanted to talk to me, and that he likes talking to me. After a year and a month of being together we will still have two-hour phone conversations at least once a week.

 

I'm a little confused about my feelings right now, but I'm going to think about everything and try to put the pieces together.

[NJRon]

You received a lot of good advice earlier. Most of it having to do with cutting all ties. I think that is still the appropriate course of action. You are confused and being bandied about by his desire to have the best of both worlds with you will continue to do you damage.

 

I can empathize with your confusion. I am concerned that you are going to allow this situation to continue and, in the end, you are going to be far more hurt than if you just cut things off clean.

 

It's your choice of course, no one else is in your shoes. However, your situation (while unique to you) is not dissimilar to numerous others. I urge you to read around on this site and find others that have exerienced this before and see how it turned out for them.

 

Best wishes.

[blackcat21]

I had to click on this thread because I too had an emotionally abusive boyfriend once..

 

Ok and I too was acting similar to how you are acting now! You seem like a really caring person, and no one can blame you for loving and caring for someone. But don't let your emotions get the best of you, the way I see it is "love is a verb" if he really cared about you, excuses aside, he'd be showing it.. and.. the fact that he said he "hates people" isn't really a good sign either. You're really young and its easy to be hurt in situations like this, all I'm saying is be careful and I'd think twice about what you are doing..

 

Never settle for anything less than what you deserve, even if as you said your goal isn't marriage or the one, I'd still think about how do you really want to be treated by someone that you strongly care about. Even if he is going through a lot of problems and things in his life right now (as my ex was as well) its absolutely no excuse for him to treat you poorly, and no reason as to why you should suffer for what hes going through. I know that once I finally cut ties with my ex in my situation which was similar to yours (even though he still IM's me every once in a while for some reason) even though it hurt for a while and took some time getting over, it was so much better for me in the long run. You always have to look out for yourself first, even if you love someone, cause sometimes you don't know who it is you are loving until later on when a lot of damage to yourself emotionally may be caused. If the guy really, really loved you, you'd know it because they'd be treating you like gold and how you should be treated.

 

This is just my opinion and advice, as someone whose been in your shoes I don't like to see other people going through it..

[whatsagirltodo]

I want to thank everyone for the responses. I'm stuck in this situation, where my head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another, and I have no clue what I really want.

 

I'm just going to lay low for awhile and hang out with friends, family, and do my own thing. II have no interest in being in a relationship or even dating. I have a lot going on right now with my career and saving money to move out to my first apartment (which i still haven't done because of money issues).

 

Someone told me that a man should ALWAYS be chasing you, and you should never have to chase after a man.

 

If he loves me, he'll prove it ...but I won't wait forever...