If my boyfriend is turning emotionally abusive, I will NOT put up with it.

[whatsagirltodo]

My boyfriend has issues. I'm fine. Our relationship is fine. He has a lot of things going on in his life...and last night I'm pretty sure he was drunk when he called me. Everything was fine and then all of a sudden he became emotionally abusive towards me. He has never acted like that. We always joke and say "i hate you" and then "i love you" and that's the way it was last night, then all of a sudden he was verbally abusive towards me, nothing personal to me, just belittling me the way you could belittle anyone. Then he hung up on me and I spent an hour calling him and he would answer the phone and not say anything. Finally I told him to let me leave him a voicemail (we didn't talk, I wasn't even sure he was listening, however he NEVER turned off his cell phone, he would answer when I called (not saying anything) and then hang up on me in mid-sentence.)

 

He has never acted like this and I was concerned. I'm not sure how stable he is. I worry about what is going on with him and I want to be supportive but I will NOT be in an abusive relationship.

 

I think I'm going to stop by his work on my lunch break, just to make sure he is there and, well...alive. I don't really want to talk to him, and I don't know if he wants to talk either, but I know that I will not talk to him until I get an apology for the way he treated me last night.

 

I know that his outburst had nothing to do with me. I just don't know what the best way to approach this is, without giving the impression that I'm not offended by the way I was treated last night. I know I will straight up tell him that I will not talk to him until I get an apology...but other than that, I want to be supportive to whatever it is that is going on...

[REDIRECT43]

Honey, get out now. My ex pulled the same stunt; except this stunt was pulled every week. He would hang up on me, and wouldn't answer his phone. He would turn his phone off. He was verrrrry abusive towards me. Never hit me, but I think I would have rather been hit than to deal with the emotional abuse. And the sad thing is, I have scars that will never go away. Every guy I've dated after him, I couldn't trust. I thought they would all be like him. I have never gotten over it.

[whatsagirltodo]

The thing is, I woke up this morning and I realized what matters most is whatever the heck is going on with him. I would love to help him get therapy or whatever it is he needs. It's not about a relationship with him, because although I do love him, I can't deal with this, and if I don't get an apology from him I will have NOTHING to do with him, not even to help him. I will call his mom and let her know to keep an eye on him because I'm worried. But I will have nothing to do with a man that is abusive on ANY level.

 

If he does apologize, I really don't think there is anyone to encourage him to get help except for me. I don't want to abandon him. He's like a part of my family, I can't just leave him at the moment when he may need me most.

[REDIRECT43]

I felt bad for my guy too. He really needed help, everyone told him he did but he didn't think so. I wanted to help him too but he didn't want to help himself. Though I did care about him, my emotional wellbeing was more important than his. HE couldn't even admit that he had a problem. I admitted I had a problem and left. He still tries to contact me, over stupid things. Never apologized for his behavior.

[RayKay]

I sure would not go visit him on lunch break!

 

Why would you do that, except to show:

 

"Hey, you can treat me like crap, and I will still follow you around like a puppy and apologize!" NO NO NO! Come on, you KNOW he is alive!

 

You should never have called him back again last night after he was abusive and hung up on you in the first place! You are only showing him how he can treat you!

 

I would wait for him to apologize, explain and show he will NEVER do it again....if he doesn't and he does do it again, get out. Don't stay hoping to change him...to me, once someone becomes verbally, emotionally or physically abusive to be honest, it's showing already they have no respect for you...and really, all the second chances in the world don't change that.

 

If he truly "needed" you, he would not treat you like crap.

 

You deserve better.

[NJRon]

I'm with RayKay. While your willingness to offer support because you know there is something else going on in his life that is causing him stress, he should not be taking it out on you. He owes you an apology. My advice would be to give him space until he can get himself together. Then, when he apologizes, it is his responsibility to share with you what is really causing his hostility and to recognize that he shouldn't be directing it toward you.

[whatsagirltodo]

Thanks everyone, I know I should just wait for him to contact me. I should, but I worry about his stability. Is it too stalkerish to at least just drive-by his work to make sure he's there? He would NEVER call off work, and if something really bad happened, I would know b/c he wouldn't be there. He lives with his parents and I know they are really suffering financially to the point where they may be evicted from their apartment...I'm really hoping it hasn't come to that just yet, in the midst of everything else he has going on.

 

There is no excuse for his behavior towards me last night. I'm just really weirded out about the whole thing, especially since he kept letting me call him instead of just turning off his cell. He never talked to me like that before and it was shocking especially since a minute before he was telling me he loved me.

 

I know I don't want to talk to him. I really don't want to see him...I just feel like I need the visual reassurance that he is OK. Is that weird?

[NJRon]

Is it too stalkerish to at least just drive-by his work to make sure he's there?

 

That would kind of be one of the defining traits of stalking.

[whatsagirltodo]

I definitely don't want to be a stalker...lol...I never thought I would be...I just worry...I'm starting to feel like he's my child instead of my boyfriend (or soon to be ex-boyfriend if I don't get a massive apology - because I'm definitly not going to settle for "i'm sorry")

 

It just is so weird how he can just act one way then the next second act another way...is this his depression or a really bad personality trait?

[NJRon]

Well, depression can cause people to do things that they wouldn't normally do. However, maturity usually comes into play and the person should be able to recognize what they are doing and explain it. Coping mechanisms are learned over time. Being involved with a depressive (or otherwise mentally unstable person) who is missing that level of maturity is a great way to experience a toxic relationship.

 

If it's not clinical, and just a bad personality trait then, frankly, I think that's worse.

[whatsagirltodo]

If it's not clinical, and just a bad personality trait then, frankly, I think that's worse.

 

 

I totally agree. He has been on his new medication and has been doing better - he even was reading a self-help book about depression and OCD (which he also has), until last Saturday he was a little "off" for lack of a better word...and since he was obviously drinking last night, that didn't help the situation.

 

I will wait for my apology, but until that happens, I really don't want anything to do with him. ...but i'll still worry about him...sigh.

[nottoogreen]

All you can be is a loving healthy partner to your loving healthy partner.

 

You can't be his doormat, you can't be his therapist. It's good you keep it cool, the best he can do is to cooperate with his therapist. I assume here that his med's are prescribed and administered under proper supervision.

[renaissancewoman101]

Whatsagirltodo, I think you should give him a chance to apologize and see what happens. I happen to disagree with the other posters about you should leave him because of what happened.

 

For one thing, he has NEVER done that to you before, he was drunk, and he's been under a lot of stress lately. Stress and drinking can do a lot to alter a person's thinking and make him/her act in a way that they would NEVER dream of acting like when sober. So, give him the benefit of the doubt, and forgive him when he does apologize. If he doesnt apologize, then rethink the situation.

 

I think people are being overharsh about how one incident can be the defining moment of a whole person's personality. We all make mistakes, esp under stress and more so if there is alcohol involved.

[nottoogreen]

Hi renaissancewoman,

 

I beg you pardon but I can't concur.

 

There always is a first time. He get's away with it there will be another time. It starts usually within 6 months to a year but at times earlier.

 

He must be managed and watched carefully.

[RayKay]

Whatsagirltodo, I think you should give him a chance to apologize and see what happens. I happen to disagree with the other posters about you should leave him because of what happened.

 

For one thing, he has NEVER done that to you before, he was drunk, and he's been under a lot of stress lately. Stress and drinking can do a lot to alter a person's thinking and make him/her act in a way that they would NEVER dream of acting like when sober. So, give him the benefit of the doubt, and forgive him when he does apologize. If he doesnt apologize, then rethink the situation.

 

I think people are being overharsh about how one incident can be the defining moment of a whole person's personality. We all make mistakes, esp under stress and more so if there is alcohol involved.

 

Hmm, my boyfriend has been under a lot of stress lately too, heck so have I! Not once have we ever belittled, hung up on, ignored or treated one another badly.

 

Sorry, but partners are there to support one another, not to act as punching bags (literal or metaphorical).

 

I DID however have an ex whom would belittle me and become a complete jerk towards me whenever he was drunk. I excused it too because he was drunk and not thinking straight. Well. I excused it many times over because it was only when he was drunk he would say those things. You know, drunk or not, it still destroyed my self esteem, trust and ultimately even in drunk-talk there is a truth....a lack of respect when you are drunk signals a lack of respect when you aren't.

 

This is a pretty new relationship still, and if he is belittling her already, that is NOT a good sign.

 

I did not say she had to leave him NOW, but I did say she had to stop acting like a doormat and calling him and going to his work after he treated her like that, because THAT will only reward such terrible behaviour. And she does need to look at this as a big red flag. Even if he does apologize...he has to follow through.

[renaissancewoman101]

RayKay, I respect your opinion a lot and I wasnt trying to disagree with you. I was just trying to give another perspective on the situation. Sometimes when someone drinks it causes them to act in ways that they shouldnt and the probably wouldnt, when they were sober.

 

Case in point, me. A few weeks ago, I went out with a friend and had a large glass of hard apple cider and I got kind of drunk off that. I was upset with my friend even before I went out with her drinking. After having the glass of cider, I became belligerent and cussed her about some things that were bothering me. From what she told me, I really was angry with her and lost it. I dont remember much about that night.

 

What I am trying to say is that I still care about my friend a lot and we are good friends. What I said that night in anger was in no way anything against my friend. I would never lash out at her like that when sober. She means too much to me as a friend.

 

Alcohol can cause problems and make people act the way they SHOULDNT and WOULD NEVER act when sober.

[nottoogreen]

Alcohol can cause problems and make people act the way they SHOULDNT and WOULD NEVER act when sober.

I agree with that but the real problem are the feelings and attitudes exposed in particular under the influence of alcohol which loosens conscious control.

 

Seriously, when someone turns abusive under the influence of alcohol, he is likely to turn abusive without alcohol given time.

 

Also when you read the thread, he has mental issues which do not seem to be addressed.

 

Continued education for you future: Please read about red flags, the loser article, relationship wreckers.

[renaissancewoman101]

I was just giving my example and how I felt when I was kind of tipsy (mind you this is just off of ONE drink). I lost my temper at my friend and cussed her out about things. I care deeply for my friend and she means a lot to me, so the way I was acting when drunk was NOT indicative of how I felt when sober.

[NJRon]

While I totally understand beligerent actions and allowing someone to make ammends. It doesn't sound like this guy is making ammends. he hasn't called to apologize or explain himself. That shows a lack of responsibility.

 

Anyone can have a bad day and fly off the handle. It happens and I wouldn't advocate dumping someone for an isolated event. However, if that person does not take ownership of their actions and realize that they have consequences to deal with and just runs away or shuts down, then that person is in no place to be in a relationship.

 

IMHO

[NJRon]

I was just giving my example and how I felt when I was kind of tipsy (mind you this is just off of ONE drink). I lost my temper at my friend and cussed her out about things. I care deeply for my friend and she means a lot to me, so the way I was acting when drunk was NOT indicative of how I felt when sober.

 

Did you apologize?

[nottoogreen]

Hi renaissancewoman,

 

I remember the story from the other thread. Now that discussion is OT here but I like to say that I see the reason for your abusiveness when drinking a little in what currently is addressed by your therapy. And while you were never abusive when sober, you still felt lousy?

[renaissancewoman101]

NJRon, yes I apologized to my friend.

[NJRon]

NJRon, yes I apologized to my friend.

 

Well, I think that's the big difference between your situation and this one...

[whatsagirltodo]

I know i shouldn't have, but I did go to my boyfriend's work. I knew it was wrong, but I just felt like i needed to see him...

 

It was horrible, but I'm glad I went.

 

He first saw me and looked like he was going to cry. Then he came over to me and just stared at me and didn't say a SINGLE word. Granted, i did go to his work, and that's like the last place he'd want to talk about personal stuff...but i told him i wanted to make sure he was ok, and that i didn't come to start anything, and to call me sometime. It was really uncomfortable!!

 

But now I'm glad because I realize he is being a jerk for reasons unknown to me, and I don't deserve it. If he truly cared and loved me, he would have apologized already...NO, if he TRULY cared and loved me, this never would have happened in the first place.

 

I love him, but between last night and today i am so repulsed by his actions (or lack thereof) that I'm not sure I'm IN love with him. I'm so disgusted that he could emotionally abuse me like that and then when I go to his work just to make sure he's doing okay - he looks at ME like i'm the bad guy.

 

We didn't even have a fight!!! This is all him.

 

I'm just soo angry, and I'd bet money that he doesn't call me tonight. He's going to be 26 years old soon - 6 years older than me...And he's still playing mind games. It's time to grow up - and move on.

[whatsagirltodo]

I just got home from work. I don't know what happened. All day i was SO angry that i couldn't think about much else but how mad I am at him. I got in my car and Blue October's song "Hate Me" was on the radio...that song is like he's speaking to me, and I lost it. I tried so hard not to cry but i teared up a little. So i took a shower and put on my pj's...hid the photo album of "us" pictures (which just reminded me to take the one down off the wall)...

 

and I don't know what to do now. I feel like I want to cry, but I just can't. I'm kind of mad at myself for falling in love with who he was and as time went on and he started getting more depressed, i tried to be supportive and as he pushed away, I just kept pushing inwards trying to be supportive, when I don't think that was what he wanted from me.

 

We had a wonderful relationship and i don't have any regrets...I guess i'm still just shocked at the way he acted last night. He just snapped and was all of a sudden going from joking around, to serious.

 

That look on his face today was priceless though. It was a look of shame, embarrassment, guilt, sadness, and maybe a bit of anger.

 

...And do you know what the worst part is? Thinking of how I'm never going to see his mom again. She's been so good to me, and I care for her even more than my own mom...I have a gift I bought for her on Sunday night that I haven't given her.

 

This is sad...