Possible bachelor party. Please give thoughts.

[Relationship Coach]

Posting under multiple screen names is a Mod issue which can be verified and dealt with. Obsessing about what you cannot control is something you need to deal with or this guy and the numerous ones to follow will get tired of this "the world is flat" concept of yours. You can certainly have your opinions on how you feel about Bachelor Parties but it ends there, no one else has to agree with you including your BF.

 

Your main issue is a lack of trust, which is a HUGE slap in the face to your BF. Either you have been cheated on in the past and you are letting one relationship experience overflow in to the next one and blindly steering this one in to Mount Scenario or you yourself have cheated and you are now in fear of Dr. Karma giving you a dose of "how does it feel."

 

I hope to god that you are not displaying your concerns and feelings to him as you are here. No one likes to feel like they can't be trusted and by your previous remarks I would say that your trust and respect for men in general is about as low as the anchor of the Titanic!

 

RC

[craving_normalcy]

Personally, I think you are being paranoid over something that MIGHT or might NOT happen. You can't stop him from going to a BP - he's a grown man and can do what he pleases. Whether there are strippers there or not, he has the RIGHT to go and celebrate with his buddies. If his heart and morals are in the right place - nothing is going to happen that would jeopardize your relationship. Talk to him, explain your fears/paranoia, and see what happens. You also sound like you have major insecurities about yourself - if the ONLY thing that concerns you is 'whether or not he'll get a lapdance' from a stripper...

[MJMJ]

I guess i really don't understand the bachelor party thing--my b/f contradicted himself in a way--he said its to celebrate that last night a guy can do something like that(strip club etc) and later on he was saying this is normal for a b/f,groom or HUSBAND to go--and thats when i said i thought a husband didnt belong there b/c he already celebrated something like that--he doesnt belong at those things anymore...he said i was just twisting words but it make sense to me--if that night was to celebrate his last night of doing something like that--he shouldnt be there when he is married--its like a free card to look at a naked woman other than your wife.

 

Anyway--it may seem i have trust issues--but seriously what woman would be thrilled with this idea? There is this show called stag which video tapes bachelor parties and they show them to the fiances---well of course there were "rules" for these bachelors but most of the time these rules are thrown out the window in the midst of the party b/c its all in "good fun" and i guess you just get swept up in it. At one point the fiance almost slapped him in the arm saying what did i tell you about touching the strippers---these guys are the ones getting married and they do this. It just makes it really hard for me to believe a guy will walk away from a lap dance or choose not to cross the lines. When you are looking at a stripper and in the middle of all this fun--is your g/f really running through your mind?--i really think if he is going to go to this--he will enjoy it.

[MJMJ]

I would much rather have my b/f look at a magazine or the tv once in awhile than go to a strip club where the girls are live. Maybe i do just have a bad perception but i just dont get how a guy can promise to be in a room with a half naked girl at this party and say nothing will happen--no touching, not even her being all over him.

[melrich]

Some guys on this thread, however, are really getting obviously offended and I just want to ask if your female friend attended a marvelous display of impressive male striptese, was a bit discreet about the details, and was yet still trustworthy, would you not feel ever so slightly uncomfortable? Would this not make you feel ... threatened? In some way?

 

I would have absolutely not the slightest problem in the world. I trust my partner implicitly and she has been to a number of "girls" nights in the past where male strippers have been present.

 

You know, to be honest, someone hit on it before. If you are not a trusting person, a public strip show is about the least of your worries. It is far easier to stray on the internet than it is in front of all your friends and probably family at a batchelor party.

[craving_normalcy]

Roder-Rider,

 

Why would you come on here and post statistics that are only going to freak the poor girl out even more? That's pretty senseless and cruel.

 

Just because you posted stats does NOT mean they are accurate. I know plenty of guys who go to strip clubs and don't do anything but watch. As for Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties - I've actually known more WOMEN to have male strippers at THEIR parties than the men do! Is it 'cheating' for a man to go to a strip club to be entertained by watching? Its not different than a woman drooling over some hot construction worker on her lunch hour. If there's no physical touching/interaction involved, no foul/no crime, right?

 

I agree - no woman WANTS her man to go to a stag party or strip club. But, they do it anyhow. SO, if the poster tells him NOT to go, then she's a 'bad girlfriend' if you ask the guys on here. If he goes, she'll be a nervous wreck, wondering what happened, if he did anything 'wrong', etc.

 

I find it funny that you - as a former stripper - are so 'anti-strip clubs'...you MET your man in one...was HE married (since your stats state that 80% of them are married when they go to clubs/parties)????

[craving_normalcy]

No, I'm NOT a guy...I just think that it wasn't very nice of you to post all these horribly negative statistics about men's behaviour to someone who is totally freaking out over the MERE possibility that he MIGHT go to a bachelor party and there MIGHT be a stripper there...that's like saying 'guilty until proven innocent'...

 

NOT ALL MEN will 'look, feel, and cheat' if they can get away with it. You must have a very low opinion of all men (probably from your years working in that business) if you automatically assume that. Just because a man hears opportunity knocking does NOT mean he will open the door and let 'her' in...

[Siriana]

I guess you are trying to say that when an adoult man is interested in having a striptease on his own bachelor party, than it is part of his worth systems, beliefs, attitudes toward woman etc.

So, if you are a woman and you don't find that appropriate find yourself a guy who is not going to do that while he's in a relationship whit you.

[MJMJ]

my b/f argued he does not want to be one of those guys who does everything his g/.f says---soo in a way i am reading that as--he does not want to be considered "pu**y-whipped" and doesnt want his manhood taken away by not going or being allowed to go i guess you can call it. So with that in mind--it really makes me think a lap dance would occur if he was at one of these things--b/c if everyone else gets one--he doesnt want his "manhood" taken away or his ego stripped down.

[melrich]

If he goes to see stripppers it is to VIEW THEM TAKING THEIR CLOTHES OFFand IS OF A SEXUAL NATURE.To me this is not benign

 

I'm not going to comment on the rest of your comments here. You can read my posts to this thread to see where I am at.

 

But her b/f is not making a conscious decision to go and see strippers. He is being invited by friends to a party and strippers will be there. Likely it is not his choice that strippers will be there, it has been organised by someone else.

 

Some men will act like your husband. Some men will be like me, and just get bored senseless watching strippers and in no way do I have any interest in touching one.

 

What the OP has to decide is can he trust her b/f? What are his values? If he is a guy like your husband she may as well end the relationship now as I don't think she is the type of woman that would put up with that.

 

If his key values include loyalty and respect, then trust him. He may prove you wrong one day, but he will do that whether he sees a stripper or not.

[scarew]

Wow that was a long one to catch up on!

 

MJ, I used to be the most jealous person in the world. I eventually learned that keeping a "short leash" on your man often only drives him further away and will make them more likely to cheat than if you had said nothing. Now I try my very darndest to be the rare GF that dako mentioned. When my current partner's friends all met me they loved me because they could see how much I trusted in him. I know his that buddies will throw him a bachelor party when we get married. But my bf knows my bounderies, and his friends respect that. In fact, giving him slack makes him come closer. I take dance lessons (cardiostriptease) and have arranged for my instructor/good friend to be the "hired help" for my bf's stag. By involving myself I have learned to have fun with the idea of his bachelor party. Don't forget most bachelor parties (that I have been to) consist of alot more than stripping. They spend most of their time on chugging beer, making the groom wear a dress, drinking games, pizza, taking humiliating pictures, skydiving, gambling, giving the groom naughty or revolting presents, and yes, long, meaningful, drunken talks about love, life, relationships, and the future.

 

If your friends invited you to a get-together involving the above activities, wouldn't you want to go?

 

If your bf is going to cheat, he is going to cheat. Why stress every day for the rest of the summer? Don't ruin today if it isnt going to effect tomorrow. Make a compromise, let him go but set bounderies. Is he trust worthy? You will find out sooner or later.

 

Cheers

[MJMJ]

I got mad at my b/f though last night b/c he said i am being childish and i should stop asking my friends who are in their early 20's about this b/c they are still thinking like teenagers. He said he never heard of someone busting a guy's chops over this(someone over 25). I told him its not childish and i feel its a free pass to look at another naked woman other than me or if a guy is married its a free pass to do that as well. He basically said whatever, i am done with this conversation and its nice to know what you think of me after a year and a half. I understand him BUT he does not understand why a girl is insecure that a b/f will obviously be looking at this girl who is half-naked in a sexual way--it just disgusts me. We will never see eye to eye--eventually it will become an issue and i do not know if it is worth breaking up over. He basically just said--what do you think is gonna happen--everyone is gonna enter that party with the intention to cheat?

Yes--if he is untrusty--i guess it will come out but even if i set boundaries with this--i am really afraid that what goes on at these things will stay at these things and i will be none the wiser if in fact he did get a lap dance. He tells me at a strip club even with that--you aren't allowed to touch the girl and he said why couldn't i just say no thanks if that came up.

 

(I really liked the last post by the way--made me feel a little more secure about things--i also dont mind someone giving me statistics as long as they are correct of course b.c i want honesty and not someone to just reassure me)

 

Obviously my mood was no good with him last night--do i let this go, break up over this? accept that fact that if he is invited to one he will be looking and admiring these sexual girls and hope he will be genuine to me? He was in a bad mood in the morning b/c of this and i was the one making the effort to hold his hand in the car and just drop it.

 

I have 2 friends in relationships and basically i know the guys wouldnt go to this if their g/f didnt want them too..Maybe its partially an age thing--i am 23 and he is 30--from what i have seen--some younger guys are more willing to appease their g/f's--while some older might be more "set in their ways". It still makes me feel bad that these g/f's have these guys who wouldnt go.

 

My b/f is more stubborn and does not want to be the guy who is going to do everything just to appease me.

[craving_normalcy]

Bottom line to all of it - YOU are insecure and you do NOT trust your man. Sure, men can be 'goaded on' - and hell, I'll be the first to admit I wouldn't be real keen on my b/f going to a stag party or strip club.

 

BUT - IF your man LOVES you and RESPECTS you - NO goading in the world is going to tempt him to completely ruin a relationship over some hot piece of * * * flaunting herself in front of a room of strangers! Men DO have morals and they do know that LOVE is hard to find...most won't screw that up, and if they DO, then they aren't worth it anyhow.

[MJMJ]

i feel he does love me BUT i have a hard time believing in the middle of all this fun--one guy at the party says lap dances on me--and that girl is about to grind him---maybe i am being jaded but i have a hard time believing my b/f will say no thanks. That situation is just so tempting, its a party, with the guys, beer, i am not there or in his mind lwhen ooking at this hot piece of a**. Why would someone go and partake in the events. I feel in some ways i am partially a realist and partially just have bad trust in general when people subject themselves to an environment like this.

 

It is like putting myself in alone in a room with a guy i used to mess around and i am drunk--can i completely trust myself to just stay friends and not cross any lines?--that situation can be very dangerous. Just something i just thought about. What if he is a little aggressive as these strippers tend to be and just doesnt take no and then he kisses me(not in a horrible forceful way), what happens then--did i cheat b/c he made the move?

[Siriana]

Look if it was you two getting married and he was having his bachelor party and he insisted on stripease on the party and you were against it that would be a BIG deal.

This way he is a guest on a very stupid and primitive ritual (in case if there is a striptiset) and even tough I find that rude toward the futer wife of this guy who is getting married you have to let him go and trust him he woan't do anything wrong. This is just one stupid bachelor party and if he's not into strip clubs than I don't see a big problem. Plus he is not organizing the whole thing - it's not his idea.

 

Stop thinking about your bf as a retarded guy who can't decline something. He can. If he loves you he will. You are basically saying that he will be put in a position to cheat and that he woan't be able to say no. Yeah, right, what is he a complet jerk?

 

If this is the only problem between the two of you and the things are as you said: he is not organizing that, he is not going to strip clubs etc. you need to trust him.

 

And for your information if I was put in a room with my ex and he tried to kiss me he would be dead! I wouldn't cheat.

[craving_normalcy]

i feel he does love me BUT i have a hard time believing in the middle of all this fun--one guy at the party says lap dances on me--and that girl is about to grind him---maybe i am being jaded but i have a hard time believing my b/f will say no thanks.

 

Ok - read this...then ask yourself "DO I TRUST MY B/F OR NOT?" This clearly shows that you do NOT believe he can 'say no' to a stripper or some guys goading him on. The funniest thing about the WHOLE situation is this: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THERE WILL BE STRIPPERS THERE!!!! The party is what - like 2 months off? - and you are freaking out over something that MAY or MAY NOT even be INCLUDED??? That's just self-destructive. Let it go. Don't harp on it, don't dwell on it - you are going to ruin whatever you have WITH your B/F if you continue to fret about something that is only a POSSIBILITY.

 

I agree w/ syrix - you are basically saying that NO MATTER WHAT IF MY B/F GOES AND THERE ARE STRIPPERS HE WILL CHEAT. You are showing major self-esteem issues, lack of trust issues, and paranoia. And, all this does is show your man that you have no faith in his feelings for you. He says he loves you, and you 'feel' he loves you -then WHY it is SO hard to fathom that he can go to a party with strippers and NOT act like a drunken frat boy???

 

Not to mention, but...honey, these parties - no matter how barbaric and 'wrong' any of us thing they are - will happen no matter what. Nothing you can say or do will stop that. And, a lap dance is NOT cheating. It's a 'service' (for lack of better words) that some floozy gets PAID for. Lasts maybe 2 minutes & then she moves on. There will probably be at least 12 other guys in the room...do you honestly think that the strippers are going to go off and 'bang' all of them, or 'get physical' with all of them/ Not likely.

[MJMJ]

A lap dance to me is cheating...i dont care if its a service--noone should be around my b/f in that type of matter.

[RayKay]

A lap dance to me is cheating...i dont care if its a service--noone should be around my b/f in that type of matter.

 

And it is cheating for me too, though I am fine with seeing strippers (not that he goes often mind you..he has gone one while with his boss in Florida and once while in Vegas on weekend since we have been together) the line is definitely crossed if there are lapdances. He respects this (and feels the same way).

 

Like I said, boundaries are fine...you cannot force him to follow them, and you have to also decide what are acceptable boundaries and so on. And if he does not respect your boundaries..then you need to make some choices.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

A lap dance to me is cheating...i dont care if its a service--noone should be around my b/f in that type of matter.

 

I agree, something like this would constitute cheating on my part too, if I were to get one that is. Hence why if I were offered a lap dance and I was in a committed relationship, I would say no.

 

Most men are not ruled by their little head, despite what hollywood or society in general will tell you. Those that are however, they really aren't worth your time.

 

My suggestion is this. Tell your boyfriend your limits, define the borders in what you consider cheating and whatnot... and then make a leap of faith that he won't hurt you.

 

The longer life goes on the more I find this is true when it comes to love. "Love is giving someone the power to absolutely destroy you, and trusting that they won't"

 

If you can't trust that your boyfriend won't hurt you, are you really in love with him? Take the leap of faith that he won't hurt you. Obsessing about it (and yes, you are obsessing) will only destroy your relationship over something that HASN'T EVEN HAPPENED.

 

Please try to let this go.

[MJMJ]

One post on another message board said something along the lines that he is basically saying this is my problem and he will do what he wants and go have a good time at this thing. She said a man in love will do his best to make his woman happy and he is just telling me my feelings are wrong and that is it. He is making a me decision, instead of a we.

What do you think?

 

Also--how would i really know he followed those boundaries if he went to one of these things? of course i can trust--but i won't know what went on.

[Iceman26]

You know, I think the bottom line is if you aren't cool with it, than you aren't cool with it.

 

I wouldn't be cool with it either. In my opinion, people in a committed relationship shouldn't put themselves in that kind of a situation, but thats me. It is all a matter of personal opinion and preference.

 

Frankly, the thought of paying a woman to get naked for me makes me cringe.

 

I think what people are trying to tell you is that you may have some deeper issues with your relationship besides this bachelor party, and that you need to evaluate them.

[Jane0815]

I'd be more worried about you letting this ruin your summer ... that to me indicates an incredible amount of insecurity in the relationship, other very big issues going on.

 

Personally I wouldn't say anything about this, nor set limits. It's much more interesting to see how the guy handles the situation on his own.

 

But then again, these days I'm concerned with some pretty big issues I have with myself, so things like this don't seem worth the energy.

[Relationship Coach]

If you keep fighting with him over this you are going to drive him away. He has said his piece and you have said yours, you're at an impasse. If you don't like how he feels you can always walk away from the relationship. He is not being unreasonable and has never given you a reason to not trust him in the past. I understand that him getting a lap dance is cheating to many here, I would have a problem with that as well but you don't know if that's going to happen. Give him a chance to prove you wrong but like I said, keep pushing and this relationship won't even exist by the time the bachelor party happens!

 

RC

[caro33]

MJMJ

 

I'm with RC and the bunch of other people who have advised you on this and other threads that you will push him away if you keep this up. I am astonished you haven't already, he must love you very much to tolerate all your suggestions he can't be trusted in any situation. (Tell me, does he still dare take his phone into the bathroom?) Your fear of this situation, and apparent unwillingness to tone your approach and have some faith in your man and yourself seems extraordinarily damaging.

 

Look, most of us have insecurities, and we also get why you are worried about bachelor parties. But as many people have said, they are a fact of life, and the issue is then how you and your much maligned guy set boundaries for yourselves. You do not seem to get this, and you seem to think we do not get you. But we do, you are simply being told that your perspective and approach to the relationship need to change.

 

This feels like groundhog day, and you have not once responded to any time anyone has asked you this, but WHAT TYPE OF MAN IS HE?

 

For example, what are your responses to the following:

- Does he have nice friends? what do they think of you?

- Does he get drunk often? when he does, does he lose his judgement? Does he keep himself 'nice'?

- Is he generally punctual and true to his word to you?

- What are his family's values? Do they respect women? Respect relationships? Appear to respect you? Does he do what his family wants?

- Has he ever made statements that show he has cheated in the past? that he would if he could get away with it? What does he think of people who cheat on TV? Friends of his who have?

- Has he been to strip shows before? Does he speak glowingly of them?

- How does he feel about commitment? Do you get the sense he's truly available to settle down with you, or is he wary about talking about the future when it includes you?

 

These are the sorts of things that can shed light on to someone's character.

 

- If your responses are generally positive and you think he has a good character then PLEASE give him some space and stop the character assassination.

- If you generally don't have a feel for the answers then I ask you to pay more attention to your relationship, or realise that maybe you're not ready for one. You should have some reasonable feel for his character after over a year together.

- If you feel negatively about the answers or can't even get a positive gut reaction to these questions then you have a problem - either you are not ready for a relationship or he is not of a worthy enough character for you. Walk away.

 

What I find really frustrating is that every time someone asks you to look at your boyfriend's personality or take a hard look at yourself, your response is along the lines of 'but wouldn't any guy do [that bad thing that is the current topic], why wouldn't my guy do it' and then we keep on in this cycle.

 

Not all men are unable to be trusted. You have been told this. So the question is, IS YOUR'S? In what circumstances can you trust him, and are these circumstances in any way related to reality? If he can only be 'trusted' where he has no access to any phones, no alone time of any sort where there might be other women, or in fact, no time away from you, perhaps the issue is not him. It certainly is not this particular bachelor party. What happens at the next bachelor party? The next night out or weekend away with his friends?

 

How can this ever be resolved for you? What would it take? And I mean resolved for good, not just him not going to this one party.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Wow, how'd I miss this one...fascinating topic.

 

If my significant other went to a bachelor party, I'd just assume things were going to take place which I wouldn't like. I know precisely how attractive/important to my boyfriend I am - I'm important to him, but he's human and I'm not the most attractive person in the world.

 

((I'd be worried how much your outlook corresponds with mine, because I have been diagnosed with at least two personality disorders...sounds like there's something a lot deeper going on than this one incident, as is the case with me.))

 

But I wouldn't let on, because heaven knows I'm less than perfect myself!