Girlfriend says I'm not 'man' enough?

[Protex]

Had a talk with my GF and she complains about how the fact that I'm a 'wimp' is such a huge turn off for her.

 

She brings up me fear or water (I cannot swim because I panic when submersed in water), Fear of heights and my fear of insects. She was saying that she feels like the man in the relationship because I'm not man enough, and because I'm such a 'wimp'.

 

She was talking about scenarios like what if I was drowning, who would save me? Not you. etc etc....

 

Made me feel really crappy, and I told her this and she just went on saying that it'd be nice if I were more of a man.

 

I asked her if she wanted me to be one of those macho type jockish men, she replied "it'd be nice".

 

We've been dating for 1 1/2 years now, this whole topic arose out of how she wants to go clubbing and all that, which I'm just not into. It then evolved into the topic of my masculinity.

 

Feeling kind of low now, feeling as if I should just stop doing what I am doing in the relationship (paying for out days out, making the plans) all that stuff....

 

Any suggestions?

[yeawutever]

Next time she makes those comments, just say to her the following: So if I'm a wimp and it's a huge turn-off to you, then why on earth are you still with me, might as well break up!!!!!!!

[CarnelianButterfly]

You don't have to put up with that. She obviously doesn't appreciate you or have enough maturity to understand the depth of a phobia. You should tell her to either respect you more for who you are or find herself a new boyfriend. You're too young to be stuck with someone who keeps putting you down, you've got enough stress just trying to grow up without her nagging you.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

It sounds like she's starting to question whether you two are meant for eachother. Maybe you two are too different?

 

BTW, your avatar looks like that guy that used to be on that "Summerland" show, he was hot. Is that him?

[Protex]

It sounds like she's starting to question whether you two are meant for eachother. Maybe you two are too different?

 

BTW, your avatar looks like that guy that used to be on that "Summerland" show, he was hot. Is that him?

 

Haha, that guy is actually me. =)

 

Yeah the preceeding conversation was about how she's the party type and I'm the more, sit in a park and relax type. =(

 

Reality is, I love her, and don't WANT to be without her, but I fear that with these issues reoccurring it is inevitable.

[Alexi]

you're really hot. dump her. she obviously doesnt appreciate you.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Haha, that guy is actually me. =)

 

Yeah the preceeding conversation was about how she's the party type and I'm the more, sit in a park and relax type. =(

 

Reality is, I love her, and don't WANT to be without her, but I fear that with these issues reoccurring it is inevitable.

 

Ok, so you look a lot like the dude in that 'Summerland' show and....actually you are jailbait, so maybe I shouldn't elaborate.

 

Anyway, maybe you two can find some activities that you can do together, and also spend some time apart, where she can party, and you can do more quiet activities.

[Rabican]

I vote dump her.

 

Sounds like she doesnt respect you, and she wants you to be someone you are not.

 

If she wants a jock meathead, then tell her to go date a roid boy from the local gym.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

But they are both young, and she probably doesn't really know what she wants yet. She's been with him for a long time, and doesn't really know what other types of guys are like.

[Spawn]

why are you still puttin up with her?

 

i have fear of heights too and i don't know swimmin either but if you wanna change somethin about you then its good, but do it for yourself not cause she said so or she wanted you to do so.

 

what if she says someday your face looks squarer why not make it oval for a change

 

huh....[-X

[Protex]

Firstly, thanks for the compliments! haha, making me blush over the internet!

 

Secondly, breaking up is an option that I would not like to have to resort too. It really breaks my heart to even think about it.

 

As for the time alone, this issue has improved in our relationship, but I still find myself having insecurities over her dancing with other men at clubs or what not.

 

I told her, "This is who I am and that's that, it'd be nice if you'd appreciate me for who I was". She responded with an, "I know, it just bothers me, it's a turn off".

 

She has had other boyfriends that may fall into this 'tough guy' category. They mistreated her, and the stories ended up tragic. However, I'm not sure what she wants is a total conversion of my self. She brought up issues of me flailing when a bug is on me, or not being able to put my head under water without ample preparation.

 

I guess she's just embarrassed? She says over and over that she feels like the man in the relationship. =(.

[nicorette]

i dont think you should dump her just quite yet. i say talk to her and let her know how you feel when she treats you like that. tell her to stop or you wont put up with it. if she stops, then great, if not then i think you should get rid of her and find someone who wont treat you liek crap. trust me, there are tons of girls out there who arent liek that

[Protex]

i dont think you should dump her just quite yet. i say talk to her and let her know how you feel when she treats you like that. tell her to stop or you wont put up with it. if she stops, then great, if not then i think you should get rid of her and find someone who wont treat you liek crap. trust me, there are tons of girls out there who arent liek that

 

This was the direction I was leaning towards, thank you. I do have a feeling that I will tell her, the issue will be verbally dismissed, but still reside in her; unfortunately, I have no control over that.

 

We have these time where it is just pure ecstasy, but an underlying issue always manages to rise up and steal the thunder.

 

Thank you for your prompt and helpful advice!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

but I still find myself having insecurities over her dancing with other men at clubs or what not.

 

 

I will say this: When I was your age (... ...) Dancing was just that, dancing. Now, it does indeed regularly involve the guy rubbing his erect penis against the girl's crotch, leg, or butt, and that's just the start of it. I know this to be a fact because I go to dance clubs and well, let's just say I know. I never even heard of that when I was a teen, and I was pretty wild, partying and going to all the dances, clubs and parties, too.

 

So nowadays, I don't think I would want any boyfriend of mine going out 'dancing'. I would probably have a big problem with it, unless I somehow knew for sure that he wasn't participating in the whole 'grinding' thing.

 

And also, I think you should work on your relationship a bit before letting it go.

[Protex]

I will say this: When I was your age (... ...) Dancing was just that, dancing. Now, it does indeed regularly involve the guy rubbing his erect penis against the girl's crotch, leg, or butt, and that's just the start of it. I know this to be a fact because I go to dance clubs and well, let's just say I know. I never even heard of that when I was a teen, and I was pretty wild, partying and going to all the dances, clubs and parties, too.

 

So nowadays, I don't think I would want any boyfriend of mine going out 'dancing'. I would probably have a big problem with it, unless I somehow knew for sure that he wasn't participating in the whole 'grinding' thing.

 

And also, I think you should work on your relationship a bit before letting it go.

 

Precisely, it feels as a form of cheating to me? I'll go to some clubs with her, try to loosen up once I am 18 (in October). The status of being 18 will help me move away from my overprotective grandmother, which, in essense, is a whole different post. (there are posts on it if you search about a year back). Haha, oh drama drama, what's life without you?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Precisely, it feels as a form of cheating to me?

 

It would feel like cheating to me too. I haven't really encountered the problem, because ever since this (grinding) started, I haven't really had a bf who liked to go out dancing. But like I said, I would have a BIG problem with that. I guess I don't need to worry about that bridge to I need to cross it though.

[arwen]

Hey protex,

 

You are one handsome dude!

 

As for your gf... I think it may be the case that the two of you are too different. It's quite rude of her to say these things. I can get away with my fear for spiders because I am a girl? That makes no sense, we are all different persons, and a LOT of people don't like bugs and are afraid of deep water. It's in a sense also part of our nature, water IS a natural danger for mankind (we can learn how to swim but are not designed to it), some kinds of bugs are dangerous, etc. As long as you are not feeling your daily life is ruined by these fears, then there is nothing wrong. I think your gf might in fact mean that she is unsatisfied with the relationship. I think it's hard to have a good relationship if one partner likes to go clubbing and the other prefers the home or a quiet evening in the park. But one of my friends is very outgoing and likes to go to the pub, while her bf happily spends his time at home. The question is whether BOTH of you would be happy to do different things.

 

Ilse

[Spawn]

protex i am not sayin to break up with her - when you are upset tell her that and tell her in strong but calm manner that you are not supposed say all those stuff, it upsets me a lot.

 

Every relationship has it problems whats the use of lovin someone without giving them a chance to improve upon their mistakes.

 

But don't put up with crap, stand up for yourself when you feel hurt by her actions/talk, both of you may be different but its how you work it out is all that matters.

 

She said if she drowns you won't be there to save, what if you drown and would she be there to do the saving part...

 

do this - both of you go for some swimming lessons lol.

 

fear of heights can be overcomed, i am goin to try paraglidin soon and some more of the free fall stuff- god knows where i would end up

 

fear of insects - i dunno how to deal with that cause i have always feared some insects that doesn't mean i can ride a cow, i fear them with my red undees.

[lilac_indi]

i agree with the talking to her part. tell her how you feel..if she still cant see what this is doing to you then i think it would be best to go your separate ways rather than stay in the relationship and take this from her.

[iamtheone]

She sounds shallow to me. I'm scared of heights and my boyfriend doesn't make comments like that about it. We all say insensitive things sometimes- perhaps you should let her know that it hurt your feelings and that she's not being very nice.

[BellaDonna]

A fear of heights, water, and insects has nothing to do with masculinity or femininity.

 

The hypothetcial things she's saying to you about drowning are ridiculous too. It it very unlikely that she will be in a situation drowning in which you would have to save her.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way...but your girlfriend sounds a bit "simple-minded"..... feeding into stereotypes of masculinity and femininity and fixating on things that are really silly and pointless when it comes to your relationship with her. Water, a spider, and a tall building should have nothing to do with her love for you.

 

She's human too and nobody is perfect. What are her flaws? What is she afraid of? Maybe it's time to start focusing on that. 2 wrongs don't make a right- but you can't let her put you down like that either.

 

Tell her it upsets you and give her some examples of how she's not perfect.

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Protex,

 

Honestly, I think that was extremely callous and cruel of your girlfriend to make those comments. I think she is in her mind comparing you to someone else, or something, but she is I hate to say it, a witch for saying those things to you.

 

I am sure she must be "perfect" then????? No one is.

 

My boyfriend is a bit fearful of water, he will go in, but is not comfortable in it. I have NEVER told him "he's a wuss" because of it! He has plenty of strengths, and weaknesses - as do I! That is what makes us individuals and I would never make fun of his fears, nor would he of mine. (And what is that about her idea of what "real men" should be unafraid of? That's B.S.!).

 

I think she is unhappy, looking elsewhere, and looking for justifications to "break things off" ultimately.

 

I don't know, but I sure would not want to be with someone whom told me point blank I was a "wuss" or something like that. It's more about the lack of respect those comments indicate, then the fact you have those fears.

 

We are not stereotypes. Being a man does not mean saving women from fiery buildings, being a woman does not mean shrieking at sight of a mouse! And having fears does not mean you love someone more or less!

[Protex]

Thank you all so much for the words of wisdom.

 

I will keep you updated on where this goes as we should be having a conversation about this tonight.

 

Once again thank you all, so very much =).

[charley]

You cannot work things out with a woman like this (notice I did not say lady). She is the problem.

 

Tell her to "hit the road baby." Perhaps that would be manly enough for her. You don't have to take this krap. She wants you to toughen up and be more assertive? Dumping her is the best place to start toughening up, IMO.

 

Strangely enough, she might even respect you more, but who cares? I'm not talking about pretending to dump her. I mean do it for real.

 

There are many other women out there. Many of them are really nice, some super nice. Some of them would like you as you are.

 

Some women like macho guys. Some don't. Dump her. Be alone long enough to clear your head (2 or 3 months). Then look for a woman who likes you as you are.

 

I'm not macho, but I wouldn't put up with what you describe. No way. You shouldn't either. Normally, you should breakup with someone as nicely as possible, but in her case, no more Mr. nice guy. Don't be nice about it. Literally tell her, "You are dumped", or "I'm dumping you", or "Hit the road baby". Those are mean things to say, but she is a B who deserves it. Let her have it. You'll have a lot more self respect afterwards and you will be tougher from the experience.

 

She doesn't give you any sympathy. Don't give her any. Just get her out of your life. Oh ya, and don't forget to tell her not to call you. No contact. Leave you the heck alone. She's just the type of crazy, simpleton B who will start wanting you because you had the b*lls to dump her. Don't fall for that. You don't want this one back. Not ever.

 

Dumping her will be good for you and a good lesson for her, if she has the brains to learn from it. No matter what, dumping her will be best for you. Then, after a cooling off period, you can meet a nice lady who will like you as you are, appreciate you, and treat you with kindness. You deserve to be treated well.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Protex.

 

I actually think that some of the responders are overreacting to what is a very small snapshot of your relationship. For all we know she may be overall a very loving supportive girlfriend who's been through alot with you over the last year and a half. I think everyone in a relationship has a right (and a responsibility) to air their concerns about the relationship out to their partner. Sure it might not be what you want to hear, and there may not be anything you can do about it. But IMO, this, in and of itself, doesn't make her a bad person or a bad partner.

 

Seriously, as you get older you will need to learn to handle constructive criticism of the relationship. If you automatically write off every girl who wishes to express her concerns to you, then you will be lonely, bouncing from relationship to relationship.

 

Now, that said, if you do talk to her about it, try to come up with some compromises, and find that she just seems bent on trying to ruin things between you two, then so be it, you will have no choice but to let this relationship go.