trying to recover (very long)

[nottoogreen]

Sure, it's important that you are ready.

 

As with my first wife, ready comes and goes.

 

Guess I made I mistake by sending you back to the forum after first contacting you. I am sorry if I caused you anguish.

 

 

[helpme2]

nope. I can't blame my anguish on anyone but the abusers, they are the ones who hurt me, you guys are the ones who are trying to help me.

 

I have to be careful not to confuse the two. LOL

 

I am feeling in general more healthy today, I can separate my flashbacks from real life right now, so it would be a good time to talk about them. I have to go mow the lawn will be back.

[helpme2]

things I am angry about

• I am angry that I don't remember much of my childhood, so when people ask "what's your favorite childhood memory?" I don't have one.
  
• I am angry that I probably never will have a 100% normal relationship, before they were all abusive, and now my emotional crap gets in the way of everything
  
• I am angry that I don't remember a time in my life (barring the past 7 years) that I didn't live in constant fear
  
• I am angry that everyday things overwhelm me, I am angry that 'everyday things' are triggers for me
  
• I am angry that I still spend nights up late crying and in pain
  
• I am angry that for years I was made to feel like this was all my fault
  
• I am angry that I resent my kids sometimes for having a life like I wanted, with two parents who love them
  
• I am angry that I wasted so much of my life feeling like I didn't deserve better
  
• I am angry that I feel like I am wasting my life now being angry and hurt by all of this
  
• I am angry that my mom says "you had a good childhood", even though I know she probably doesn't remember any of it, she can't even remember her own life from age 40 backwards
  
• I am angry that people assume that because I am "normal" on the outside now that everything has always been fine, and in fact that everything is fine now
  
• I am angry that I have lasting effects of the abuse that may never go away
  
• I am angry that I feel sometimes that I don't have a right to even be angry
  

[Scout]

Good! You deserve to be MAD AS HELL. And with anger, comes the fighting spirit!! You have every right to be angry about what was taken from you.

 

And I know you can reclaim so much back, because you are fighting for this now.

[nottoogreen]

Hi helpme,

 

Great you let this anger out. All this is your abusers fault.

 

You are a kind loving woman who struggles to have the most basic of a human life - A happy healthy family.

 

I sorted that a bit and assigned expectations. We identify the imbalances and have some ideas how to resolve these. OK, that will take time to "feel", but it will.

 

Missed expectations of a human life

• I am angry that I don't remember a time in my life (barring the past 7 years) that I didn't live in constant fear
  
• I am angry that I still spend nights up late crying and in pain
  

Your abusers substituted peace and happiness with fear and pain. It was not your fault!

 

Your fear and pain can pass and you will be more peaceful and happier day by day!

You expected a normal childhood.

 

• I am angry that I don't remember much of my childhood, so when people ask "what's your favorite childhood memory?" I don't have one.
  
• I am angry that my mom says "you had a good childhood", even though I know she probably doesn't remember any of it, she can't even remember her own life from age 40 backwards
  

Your abusers destroyed your childhood. It was not your fault!

 

Let it pass, you have a loving husband and children, fill your mind with POSITIVE thoughts about the future. You WILL get better day by day.

 

You expected to be understood. You were not.

• I am angry that I feel sometimes that I don't have a right to even be angry
  
• I am angry that people assume that because I am "normal" on the outside now that everything has always been fine, and in fact that everything is fine now
  
• I am angry that for years I was made to feel like this was all my fault
  

We here understand you! You are no longer alone.

Negative expectations

• I am angry that I wasted so much of my life feeling like I didn't deserve better
  
• I am angry that I feel like I am wasting my life now being angry and hurt by all of this
  
• I am angry that I have lasting effects of the abuse that may never go away
  
• I am angry that I probably never will have a 100% normal relationship, before they were all abusive, and now my emotional crap gets in the way of everything
  
• I am angry that everyday things overwhelm me, I am angry that 'everyday things' are triggers for me
  
• I am angry that I resent my kids sometimes for having a life like I wanted, with two parents who love them.
  

All this was because of the actions of your abusers. None of it was your fault. CANCEL all these negative expectations.

 

These feelings are natural and were caused by LACK OF UNDERSTANDING and CARE, but are self-destructive and OBSOLETE because you understand now why you had these feelings.

 

You took the first step to recovery, which is releasing your anger.

 

There will be setbacks, there will be pain but more good days are to come!

[Hope75]

Hey there,

 

I'm glad you made this list and got those feelings out. That must have felt good.

 

Keep venting on here, we are listening!

 

How old are your children?

 

Sounds like you are in overdrive with all that you do between your jobs, the volunteering and the homeschooling! It's a great idea to sit down and see what can be cut out.

[helpme2]

My kids are 3 and 5. My therapist seems to think that I am taking on so much so I will be to busy to think about the things I really need to deal with.

[Hope75]

That is definitely a possibility. You admit that you are spread very thin right now and that your life is full of responsibilities and tasks that help avoid dealing with the repressed feelings.

 

Maybe slowing down a bit will allow you to take them, piece by piece, and process them.

 

At any rate, physically it's good to slow down a bit, and give your poor body a rest!

[sonjam]

Helpme2, I want to share with you what happened to me these past two weeks

 

I've been going to a hypnotherapist for the last few weeks. I've been to see countless therapists before but none of them seemed to help me get rid of my most basic problem, self sabotage and depression due to issues of abuse and trauma in my past.

 

I found this guy by accident, I thought he was just a normal therapist, and I don't believe in this hypno hype thing.

 

At the start of my therapy he told me that I will not want to talk about it, and my sub-conscious will find any excuse for not going to therapy when it gets hard, things like running late, having a headache, having to cancel appointment because something else came up.

He told me to resist those urges and force myself to come if I really want to heal, I owe it to myself.

 

Anyway. We went through a very detailed questionnaire of my life from the time I was born, and like you, I can not remember lots of it (probably blocking out a lot). He started doing relaxation therapy with me, putting headphones on my head, letting me sit in a recliner chair and just relaxing for 20 minutes, listening to him describing the sea (with the sea in the background) or the mountains, or wherever you feel like going. I was so tense at first I could not relax at all, but it got better by session 3 and by session 4 I was looking forward to my little "holidays".

 

Next we did a word association test, where I was in a relaxed state again, he would say a word, and I had to respond immediately with an association that sprung into my head. Some of my responses REALLY surprised me. I didn't loose control of myself, or go into a trance at all, I was just relaxing, and thus more open to explore my feelings. (he did make a suggestion to my sub-conscious that I was safe and ok).

 

The next session was groundbreaking for me. Visualizing a rainbow with all the different colours swirling around me, I was relaxing in the chair, when he took me back (as an adult) to visit the house I lived in as a small child. I had to visualize the fence, the shrubs in the garden, the front door, everything. By now it came easily to me, since it is a memory I had. A little girl came out of the front door, of about 5 years old and walked up to me. (I had to visualize her too, he just suggested I do it). Then he told me it’s me as a child, and I have the opportunity, now as an adult to talk to her, hold her, love her, and tell her things will be ok.

 

I have to tell you, I cried and cried, and held her in my minds eye, I told her that I loved her, and that she meant the world to me, and that it will be ok. You see I was neglected as a child and I needed love and reassurance. As a grownup I was able to go back and make contact with her. Apparently they call it making contact with your inner child. At the end of the session he told me she shrunk smaller and smaller until she could fit into my hand, and when I held her against me, she melted into me, and now lives in my heart. Having a child of my own, you can imagine how emotional this was for me. But you know what, It made a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE TO ME. He suggested that she will always be there, and I can talk to her as often as I want, in my heart, and it will make her grow stronger. She is growing stronger everyday. I’m now mothering myself.

 

I don’t know if all of this makes sense to you, but it made such a positive impact on me. I believe for you this kind of therapy might help too.

 

I resisted therapy the next day I had to go, because I knew we were moving on to when I was bigger, and I remember more of that time, nothing pleasant. I virtually dragged myself by the collar to go, but he simply used relaxation therapy again, and we worked on letting 3 emotions go: GUILT, FEAR and WORRY. It gave me the break I needed to gather strength to face the next demons in my past.

 

I hope my story shed some light on your situation, and with this I want to tell you that you cannot do it alone, and definitely not all at once.

 

Venting your anger is the first step to healing. Getting it out means taking off the scab on the festering wound of your soul. Now you need to clean it out, and then it will heal and not bother you anymore. You will then be able to let go.

[helpme2]

I woke up today feeling terrible, read a little of my Bible, and decided that today I am not in a position to even think about the things I do not have direct control over.

 

I have decided all I really have control over are my actions, I made an appointment with a new therapist. My friend who had a similar (although not as severe) childhood as mine was telling me about cognitive therapy, she says it really helped her to gain control of her emotions and so, I called and made an appointment with one. I am kinda worried about going, I have been with my past therapist for years, the thought of starting over with someone new scares me, I have tons of issues, but chunking them all together makes me sound so screwed up.

[nottoogreen]

Hi helpme,

 

Well you feel it's not a good day.

 

I am proud of you that you realize that you have control over your actions!

 

I am also proud of you that you have less fear, also of yourself!

 

It's one of the better days after all!

 

It's good you have a new therapist. Be confident in yourself, please have no more than moderate expectations. May they surprise you positively!

 

More good days are to come!

[helpme2]

went to the new therapist yesterday, spent an hour crying and trying to explain everything, I am pretty sure I was incoherent for most of it, she gave me some books to read and a quiz to take, and I am going to see her again next week.

[nottoogreen]

Hi helpme,

 

Great you seen the therapist. Please don't worry, it will be easier and easier and crying is healthy.

 

You could also put a journal in the Journals forum, we read it and offer encouragement.

[Hope75]

went to the new therapist yesterday, spent an hour crying and trying to explain everything, I am pretty sure I was incoherent for most of it, she gave me some books to read and a quiz to take, and I am going to see her again next week.

 

Hey There,

 

It's good to get those emotions and feeling out. I'll bet you are tired now!

 

Keep us updated!

[elissa]

Hi,

Thank you for posting all of this. I am still awake at 4 am because I am going insane from my own abusive past and dealing with a partner who has one as well. I am confused scared and feel alone. Believe it or not your honesty is enough of a comfort to allow me some sleep. I'll be posting soon thanks to you. Keep it up. Make sure you do something good for you every day and work on all of you-not just the passed trauma. We are whole people-sometimes that is hard to remember. Acknowledge the positive -like eating healthy and allowing joy and laughter in your life. You are doing it-you are getting better even though the progress is painful. Hang in!

[nottoogreen]

Hi elissa,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone,

 

You are no longer alone!

 

Have a rest, and tomorrow make your thread here, we listen and help you through it.