trying to recover (very long)

[helpme2]

I was severely abused when I was a child, by most of the men in my life, in fact until I met my husband I hadn't had a normal non-abusive relationship with a man... ever. Not my father, my uncle, my cousins, my grandfather, even my boyfriends, always some type of abuse.

 

The physical abuse started when I was an infant, and the sexual abuse started when I was 2 (or that's my first memory of it) and pretty much it all went on until I was 14 and left home. I started using drugs and alcohol at 11 and was addicted by 13 to meth and coke.

 

I am drug free now, and in a healthy relationship (as healthy as it can be with me being so screwed up) but the general haze of my childhood is slowly being replaced with actual memories. I still can't remember 90% of my childhood, I remember a few things, although I don't know if I actually remember them or if I have heard the stories so much that I feel like I remember them.

 

Within the last year or so, I have been having dreams, and flashbacks of the abuse, I remember specifics now, and it's starting to affect my daily life, I am anxious and sad, and emotional and I feel slightly unhinged.

 

My usual response would be to go back to my previous coping, which included drugs, alcohol, cutting and well, just plain shutting down, I used to joke that apathy was my friend.

 

I am in counseling now and my therapist says that I have to "deal with my feelings" and that I can't just detatch from life, but she has failed to give me any guidance as to what "deal with it" means.

 

I am not sure what my feelings even are. I am angry that people would treat a child that way, not really able to see that it was me, still detatched I guess from that, and I am hurt that I have to "deal" with this, scared that it won't go away, and insecure, I worry that if people found out what "really happened" that they would think I was weak, or bad, or dirty.

 

I guess on the upside, the memories make more sense of the some of my weirdness, like the way a door being slammed can make me break down into tears, I now remember what happened one time after I heard that sound. I know why I am afraid of grease in the kitchen, I remember now one of mom's boyfriends flicking bacon grease on my back because I didn't eat all my breakfast. I still have the scars, I never knew what they were from, until I remembered.

 

I guess I just don't know how to be normal. I mean I try, but I carry around so much baggage, it's like the wounds are still fresh everytime I remember something.

 

I am really angry today, that I can't have a "normal" relationship with my husband, I am in constant fear that something bad will happen, but I am not afraid of him, I am afraid I guess because fear is all I know. Yesterday I had a panic attack in bed, we had to stop what we were doing, I had a flash back, it came out of nowhere. I hate feeling like this. My doctor says that she can give me pills to make it go away, but because of my drug abuse history I am afraid of losing control with them. I don't want to be addicted to anything anymore, ever again.

 

Sorry for the long post. It's just my mind is working a million miles a minute and I had to get it all out.

 

Oh, I don't talk to my family anymore, I cut ties with them a few months ago, but I still talk to my mom, except the more flashbacks I have the less I want to talk to her, I am not sure how to make that break though, she is very involved in my life, lives close by, comes to see me every other day, it's just painful being around her, knowing that she knew what was happening and didn't stop it.

 

I don't know where to go from here, I want my haze back, I don't want to remember.

 

help?

[DN]

I think the most important thing for you do is to really understand is that nothing that happened to you was your fault. In any way.

 

You are not dirty or weak or bad. You were abused and used and the people who did that are the ones who are dirty.

 

You have a right to be angry but you have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Have you thought of trying a different therapist?

[helpme2]

I have seriously thought about quitting therapy a few times, she is good for some things, but I think my abuse may be over her head... we just got new health insurance so I guess I could find out what I need to do to see someone else. She says (my therapist) that I should write down everything I remember, but I don't want to even think about it, it's painful.

[DN]

I think the idea behind that is to know what happened. Knowledge is power because when you know what it is that is troubling you it is possible to deal with it. If all these things are hidden away in your subconscious they will continue to haunt you. But if you can get them out into your conscious then you can confront them.

 

In this situation, fear of the unknown or hidden can be worse than the reality.

[itsallgrand]

Flashbacks can be scary. Has your therapist introduced to you to grounding techniques and ways to deal with them?

 

It's fantastic that you are in therapy and have a supportive hubby. Be easy on yourself. Such intense abusive takes time to overcome. You will do it though.

[Hope75]

From what I know of children who have previously suffered sexual and physical abuse, they tend to bury those feelings (much as you have in the past) until they are grown and are in a safe place (like you are now with your husband), and it is then that those feelings and memories begin to surface... because at this point in your life you are safe and you are strong enough to begin to deal with them.

 

I agree with DN that your therapist is not likely to be a good fit for you. If I were you I would do a little research and see if you can locate one that specializes in helping people recover from sexual abuse and physical abuse.

 

DN is right- you were a child and these were people that you trusted- family- people that any child would and should be able to trust. You did nothing wrong. You were violated by adults who should have known better- but it is not your fault.

 

How is your husband dealing with this? Has he been supportive of you?

[helpme2]

He is very supportive, and loving. When we had to stop what we were doing in the bedroom last night, he held me until my panic attack go so bad that it was uncomfortable to be held, then he backed off, went got me some water, and listened to me talk and cry for like 2 hours, he is great, I am just sad that he has to go through all this crap with me.

[Hope75]

He is with you because he loves you, ALL of you. You are a package deal, honey, just as we all are.

 

I'm very happy for you that you have someone who is so supportive. That may be part of the reason why these memories are finally coming back.... you truly feel safe enough and strong enough to face them.

[Scout]

Hi, and welcome to eNotalone. You've certainly got a safe and supportive forum here.

 

I want to say that when I hear stories such as yours, I feel deep sadness and anger that anyone was put through such torment. To say it's horribly unfair is an understatement. There's no way around it, you got dealt a rotten hand at an early age. However, you must have incredible will and inner strength, because you survived it. You found a kind and loving husband, and you're seeking therapy to fully heal yourself from the pain you went through.

 

It seems to me your therapist might be over her head, though, based on what you're saying here. I absolutely concur if your instincts are telling you that you need a different therapist to follow through on that. I really don't think a therapist should be pushing her patient harder than the patient is ready for.

[sonjam]

It's the hardest thing to face your fears, and I agree with the others that it's only now presenting itself to you as you are in a safe place, and your subconscious can open up. Just covering up these wounds make them fester. You need to scratch them open, let them bleed out and heal propperly. The only way to do that is to face it. If your therapist is unable to help you it might be because of several reasons:

 

1. She is not equipped to help

 

2. You run away from the problem every time you have to face it (like not wanting to write it down). If you cannot stand up to the problems, she cannot help you deal with them.

 

Writing them down, makes them a reality, then you can learn how to get angry in a safe place, BE ANGRY and then let the anger go. Forgive yourself, and move on. That is typically what the therapist can help you do, but you have to help her by letting it out.

 

Honey, I realise this is soooo big, you cannot deal with it all at once, but you should draw a timeline of your life, make notes about specific bad things you remember of that times, and then deal with it from a starting point (say from when you were two) then wait a few days, deal with the feelings, the emotions, the anger, and then when you feel better move on to the next age. Baby steps.

 

I'm currently going through the same process. Mine was not half as bad as yours, but I carry alot of guilt, anger and self hate with me, for things that happened to me as a child, that I had no control over. The therapist I'm seeing is a hypnotherapist, and even though I have doubts about this kind of therapy, I realise it's just another way for them to try and get me to face the fear, let it out and deal with it. I'm working on my timeline right now, and let me tell you it's hard. It's depressing, but ultimately I give my co-operation, I cry, I rage, I hate, and I forgive. I believe that when I'm done, I will be rid of my depression episodes, social phobia that sometimes eats at me, and panic attacks.

 

Believe in yourself, give it your all, even though it hurts, it's the only way. Feel free to talk here, and use this forum as the starting point to write about your feelings, you are safe here!

[nottoogreen]

Hi helpme,

 

One approach to overcoming trauma is to focus on the perceiption of broken expectations.

 

What is depression? Depression is a mental pain caused by an imbalance between expectations and ability. To make the pain go away, one has to improve ones ability (do better) and/or change ones expectations. In other words, to avoid depression, one ought to balance ability and expectations. Balance is it, as so often in life. More in: Wicked

 

Keeping this in mind, please post your unmet/broken expectations and we see how we can resolve the imbalance.

[helpme2]

that's going to be difficult, but I think it actually will help. Let me sit with the idea of it for a few hours and I will come back and post.

[nottoogreen]

No rush, what took years to hurt takes a while to heal.

 

I should have a nap anyway.

[helpme2]

I am having an unbelievable amount of anxiety today, I am pretty sure it's to do with my general having to deal with this stuff, that's why I didn't start a new thred didn't want to have to explain everything again. Anyway, I am just feeling very anxious, my chest hurts and my brain is kinda fuzzy, it's like I am here, but not here at the same time. I notice everything, yet feel detached. I have never felt this way before, usually my panic attacks come on strong and are gone after a few minutes, but I have felt this way for a few hours, what's wrong with me?

[nottoogreen]

I am having an unbelievable amount of anxiety today, I am pretty sure it's to do with my general having to deal with this stuff, that's why I didn't start a new thred didn't want to have to explain everything again. Anyway, I am just feeling very anxious, my chest hurts and my brain is kinda fuzzy, it's like I am here, but not here at the same time. I notice everything, yet feel detached. I have never felt this way before, usually my panic attacks come on strong and are gone after a few minutes, but I have felt this way for a few hours, what's wrong with me?

OK, understood, PM it to me when you are ready and we talk about it. As I mentioned in my PM reply to you, I like to work on forum for transparency and complementary input, as well as to share experiences and solutions.

 

However, it's perhaps better we get started first and involve the forum once you are better.

[DN]

helpme2, please be reassured that there are many wise, experienced and helpful people who are very capable of giving you good, useful and constructive advice. It is your decision how to ask for and receive this advice, whether by private messaging or by involving people who have much wisdom to offer on the forum.

[helpme2]

I am feeling a little better this afternoon. I think I am going to have to step back from life for a while, until I get this whole flashback anxiety attack thing under control. My husband and I are going to figure out what I can cut tonight so that I don't have to be responsible for much more than getting through this.

[DN]

I am glad you are feeling better. And that your husband is so supportive. Cut tonight?

[Hope75]

OK, understood, PM it to me when you are ready and we talk about it. As I mentioned in my PM reply to you, I like to work on forum for transparency and complementary input, as well as to share experiences and solutions.

 

However, it's perhaps better we get started first and involve the forum once you are better.

 

I'm sure that nottogreen is trying to be helpful and will be if you PM him, but don't exlude the helpful advice of the many wise members on this site as well. There are alot of different people on here with much life experience that will give you great advice as well.

 

How did you do tonight? Did you cut yourself?

[Scout]

I am feeling a little better this afternoon. I think I am going to have to step back from life for a while, until I get this whole flashback anxiety attack thing under control. My husband and I are going to figure out what I can cut tonight so that I don't have to be responsible for much more than getting through this.

 

So glad you're thinking along these lines. Honestly, you sound like a very strong person - you must be if you survived the ordeals you went through as a child.

 

What kind of different things are you juggling? Job, children, etc.? It's definitely good that you're clearing a space in your life to take care of yourself.

[sonjam]

Hi Helpme2

 

Yes, I agree with Hope and DN, we are all here for you. You don't have to start a new thread everytime something goes wrong in your life. We are all subscribed to your thread, so when you post we are all notified and will be here as soon as possible to talk and lend a helping hand where we can.

 

I often feel detachment from my daily life, it's like you are an outsider looking down on a stranger in a strange life huh? I believe its another coping mechanism built into our subconscious to help us cope. It is a great idea for you and your husband to cut some responsibilities off of your shoulders, so you can have less anxiety and more time to focus on the real thing that matters getting better. Tell your hubby we applaud him for being so supportive and understanding!

[nottoogreen]

Openness, transparency and variety of opinion are some of the strengths of eNotAlone.

 

Well helpme, what do you say? and I like to encourage you as well again to work on forum.

 

We always will be here for you.

[helpme2]

I'm sure that nottogreen is trying to be helpful and will be if you PM him, but don't exlude the helpful advice of the many wise members on this site as well. There are alot of different people on here with much life experience that will give you great advice as well.

 

How did you do tonight? Did you cut yourself?

I didn't cut myself, I cut things in my life that were stressing me out.

 

I stay at home with my kids, and homeschool them, and have 3 part time jobs, and 3 volunteer jobs, and really it's just too much.

 

Last night we cut things down to the homeschooling, 2 volunteer jobs that I really really really need to do (read I would be less healthy mentally if I gave them up) and 1 part time job that's seasonal, so I don't have to do it for a few months anyway.

 

Sorry I didn't post much yesterday, I was busy trying to figure out what was important and what could be given up for a time.

[nottoogreen]

You can see by the responses in this thread that many people want to help you. You got too much to handle. Here is what you posted before.

• You were raped:
  
• You have a history of SI:
  
• Your husband has medical issues:
  
• You are overworked and stressed out:
  

Helpme, we will help you as always, but venting followed by denial is no use to you.

[helpme2]

I know, I am just not in a mood to deal with it today. I feel like my time is better spent doing "constructive things" it's like emotionally I know that I need to get past this and part of that is like actually doing the dirty work of going through and dealing with everything, but I can't logically do it, it seems like a waste of time, and resources to sit here and deal with things that I could just as easily box up and store until later.