Need some advice badly

[renaissancewoman101]

I know it is very early out here but I really need some advice about what to do. I am seriously starting to think my friend that I hang out with is using their allergies as a reason to not stay overnight by my place on Friday nights. Yesterday, we went and hung out again for the day, had a great time watching boats and all that. We went out to dinner and I drank again and got really plastered after one drink (my metabolism is all over the place with alcohol). My friend was pretty decent with me and stayed around with me to make sure I was ok and didn't kill myself. We went and sat out by the harbor and they made sure I didnt jump into the ocean.

 

After I was feeling better and getting more sober, my friend dropped me off at my place. Normally, they stay over on Friday night and it just makes me feel better when they do that. I derive so much from them staying over, it is a comfort thing.

 

I had an argument with them last night about it and they were adamant that they didnt want to stay over because of my allergies. I have offered to get a better air cleaner to make my place hospitable (they have been staying over since March and now this) but they wanted to wait and see about things.

 

What changed all this? All I did was go on vacation last weekend and they helped me care for my guinea pigs while I was gone. I am willing to make changes so they can stay over again.

 

How can you tell if this is some stupid cop-out?

 

Please help me, it is starting to bother me VERY much and eating away at me/

[itsallgrand]

Hi Ren,

You're up early. Sounds like you had a rough night? Stressed out?

 

It sounds like you have a good friend there. How come this is bothering you so much? Are you afraid that your friend is going to distance themself from you, did you just really not want to be alone last night, or what?

 

Take a deep breath. Your friend could very well be telling the truth.

Or maybe, they just really wanted to spend a night in their bed last night.

Either way: this isn't anything worth worrying about.

 

((ren))

[Shadows Light]

Take it for what it is at face value. Don't start jump starting your imagination with assumptions. If they didn't want to stay over for 'whatever' reason... let it alone.

 

You were very careful in keeping the sex of your friend anonymous. Why is that? Is this friend a man? Because if it is... the distance may be healthy. Men/Female friendships are GREAT... however, sometimes one of the "friends" may need to keep a little distance to keep it a friendship.

 

I have healthy friendships with a few men in my life. It would be very easy to cross that line with anyone of my friends when they are down/out and need some extra caring. Can you see what I mean??? I'm straight up with them in that line will "never" be crossed, because the "friendship" means more to me than some momentary lapse in judgement.

And not everyone is up front and in your face like I am... I'm comfortable in putting it on the table and telling it like it is. I think thats one of the qualities they love about me. IF... Your friend is a man.. examine your feelings and motivations closely. Was it more that you wanted than just a "slumber party"????

 

Get this out of your head and leave it alone.... you had a fantastic time going out and watching the 'boats'. HOW FUN!!!.... hold on to that feeling... on how good the day was, and leave it at that.

[Beyondthesea]

Personally I wouldn't let it bother me. Is it really worth having an argument over?

 

My friends from far far away always offer to let me stay over at their place and I don't and why? It has nothing to do with them. As you said it's a comfort thing for you, it's also a comfort thing to me. I feel more comfortable and sleep better when I'm at home in my own bed. I imagine it's the same for them.

 

I really wouldn't take it personally RW, they just want some comfort in their own home.

[DN]

Expecting a friend to stay one night a week at your place may be more than that person is willing to give and s/he is using that as an excuse because they know you would react badly to the truth.

 

You have said before that you get insecure if your friends don't adhere to routines - I think there was something about regular contact with another friend that you mentioned.

 

That insecurity is about you RW - not about your friends. You really need to deal with that because what is really an issue within yourself will drive people away from you - because you make them feel obligated. Once people feel obligated in a friendship they become resentful and the friendship becomes unbalanced.

 

You need to get to grips with this dependency. It's something that could end up with you very lonely and without friends. You might benefit from some counselling to learn how to deal with it. Many people are resistant to counselling because they think it makes them look weak or as if they have some sort of mental illness. But it is not about that - it is about having someone help you sort out your issues so you can deal with them effectively yourself.

[Beyondthesea]

That insecurity is about you RW - not about your friends. You really need to deal with that because what is really an issue within yourself will drive people away from you - because you make them feel obligated. Once people feel obligated in a friendship they become resentful and the friendship becomes unbalanced

 

Agreed. I actually would get quite annoyed if my friends were argumentive with me and 'clingy' over such things.

 

Counseling is a good idea. You have been in contact with constant abuse for some time now RW, that does something to a person. Also, your strict routine and obsessiveness over it is something that should be looked at.

[Scout]

RW, the real problem here isn't that your friend has decided to stop spending Friday nights at your house. The issue is your extreme hurt and anger over this. Which boils down to you have basically transferred your obsessive dependency on your ex-best friend to another person now, or are trying to anyway.

 

I'm going to be very direct here, and I don't think you are going to like hearing this. I apologize in advance for that, but in my opinion, this must be said. Here goes...

 

You spent months on this forum trying to get advice on how to not be so dependent on your ex-best friend. Many, many threads and posts were devoted to this subject. Look at what is happening now that you finally cut him out of your life (I assume). You are immediately obsessing over another friend that you suspect is not treating you well, doesn't want to be with you as much as you want, etc.

 

While we're here to support and encourage you, I don't think this forum is equipped to really help you overcome your extreme dependency on your friends. I know you have painful issues from your childhood that are at the root of this desperate need to have clear routines and friends who follow them to a tee, but it's a very unhealthy and self-destructive need that is going to alienate the good people from your life, and leave you with only the negative people.

 

I cannot overstate how much I recommend you seek therapy before it's too late, and you become permanently unhappy, sad, and alone - or with someone who is another user. The simple fact is, life is too short for this much misery. Your problems really call for consistent, professional guidance and therapy. This does not mean you're crazy. It means you're stuck, really stuck, in a pattern that you can't get out of by yourself, and that we, non-professional givers of advice, apparently can't help you get out of either.

 

As DN said, there is no shame in seeking professional help. I've had to do it for myself in the past, and thank God I did. The real shame would be to keep your head buried in the sand and refuse to change the behavior patterns that are basically making you - and probably some of your friends - miserable.

[annie24]

Honey - I am worried about you! I am concerned about your drinking, in addition to the situation with your friend. You KNOW that you can't drink very much, given your genetics, so why do you keep doing that? It's one thing when you are in college, getting drunk every weekend, another when you are 33 and this is a frequent thing.

 

I definitely encourage you to seek therapy. I have too, and it was incredibly helpful. I'm not done working on my problems, but therapy helped me a lot to deal with specific issues.

 

I think you should accept your friends' "excuse" gracefully. They took care of you when you were drunk and made sure you got home safe. they obviously care about you, and you should return the courtesy by just taking their excuse and going with it. don't hassel them about it. the bottom line is that they don't want to stay over, and there's no point in trying to argue or rationalize that decision.

 

Do you have health insurance? therapy is covered under many forms of health insurance!

[ElektraHere]

RW

 

Scout took the words right out of my mouth. You are seeking things from the boards that either you dont want to take or hear. You also are transferring your dependency of T to the other friends. You must must must seek some sort of professional help so you can sort through all this. The board will be here but you are beyond getting advice of others you need a trained person to help get you back on the right track. Please for your own welfare and wellbeing seek that help for yourself

[renaissancewoman101]

Annie24, the drinking is not a constant thing. Since I moved out here, I've only done it twice. I am afraid to drink alone since I really dont know how it will affect me. I was acting like the way I was after ONE glass of cider. I just wanted to drown my problems away but I WONT do it alone because I have this fear that doing that can kill me.

 

Yes, I do have health insurance. My friend has also been urging me to get therapy saying that it would be good for me and would help me get out of the unhealthy patterns that I am stuck in right now. They cant understand why I have this slavish attachment to routine although he/she has tried to understand it. Routine is something that I cling to because it helps me feel somewhat in control of my life. If I lose my routines, I tend to feel like my life is out of control and that I am helpless. I also like routines because then I feel safe and secure and that people wont leave me.

 

Yes, I do have a big fear of abandonment. It is something in me that literally kills me or renders me immobile or unable to do things if I feel as though I am going to be abandoned by someone. That is why I dont trust many people. I trusted my ex-best friend because I had known him for over 13 years and although he has been an a*s to me and treated me in the worst way possible, he has never abandoned me or completely left me until now (because of my own doing). I dont really understand why I have this extreme fear of people leaving me. That is the one thing that freaks the hell out of me.

 

After reading you people's posts on my thread, it is starting to dawn on me that I am really being unfair to my friend and that maybe I am demanding too much from them. It is just that I got used to this routine of them staying over and I found comfort and familiarity in it.

 

I will take your advice and not push on it and let it go, and just cherish the moments and time we get to hang out together. You people are right, it is better not to get upset over something like this and hang onto it like it is the end of the world, because it isn't.

 

And yes, I have a bad habit of trying to make people feel obligated to do things for me. I feel as though people dont care about me and if I make them feel obligated to do things for me, then they will "care" about me.

 

I am a very messed up person. I know that. And, it isnt doing my life or my feelings any good being this way.

 

As for the therapy, do you guys REALLY think it can help me get out of this patterns in a timely fashion? I also know I have extreme anxiety problems that cause me to constantly worry about things. Maybe meds will help.

 

I am not sure what to do right now. I hope I havent pissed off my friend too much. And therapy might be a good idea, now that I sit here and think about it.

[ElektraHere]

1. Your ex friend he DID leave you. He left a long long time ago. You seemed to hold on to that mirage of a "loving" friendship. It is a great first step in recovery that you let him go.

 

2. You know the answer to that question. You have to know. You have to stop asking others and just do it.

 

3. Quit thinking so much. You have too much idle time on your hands. Go out enjoy the day. Go someplace. The beach, a park, a small little town to explore. Go out and buy that digital camera you wanted and go take pictures. Anything to get your mind off of thinking so much and to occupy your time.

[annie24]

it doesn't matter if you are having 9 drinks or just 1, if you find yourself getting out of control when you drink, and afraid that you might fall off the pier, it's a signal that the drinking is a problem for you. Some people just can't handle any alcohol! People who know me know I have an insanely low tolerance myself, because I didn't drink for about 6 months while I was on anxiety meds (alcohol + SSRIs = very very bad reaction).

 

anyways, I am glad you are looking into the therapy. It can really be a great help. It is nothing to be ashamed of. People go to the dentist to take care of their teeth, the OB/GYN to take care of their female reproductive organs, to the GP for general physicals and stuff.... so I see nothing wrong with going to a psychiatrist for an occasional "check up of the mind/brain."

 

You've undergone a lot of stress recently, and I think going to a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist can help you figure stuff out and get yourself back on track.

[DN]

As for the therapy, do you guys REALLY think it can help me get out of this patterns in a timely fashion? I also know I have extreme anxiety problems that cause me to constantly worry about things. Maybe meds will help.

 

You may be able to get by without meds. What a good therapist will do is to help you understand where all these insecurities are coming from. Knowledge is power and once you know why something is happening it is much easier to deal with it.

 

Therapy and/or meds do not make issues go away on their own. You make them go away once you understand how.

[nottoogreen]

Hi renaissancewoman,

 

Alcohol did not help.

 

1. All your friend can be is a healthy loving friend to the healthy loving you.

 

2. A friend can not be your dumping ground and/or therapist and/or prevent you from jumping out of the window.

 

There is no need to speculate on motives until 1. is met positively and there is no thought of 2.

 

We all are proud of you and respect that you took the steps necessary to improve your life. It's a long rocky road to fix what 13+ years broke.

 

Professional therapy will be of benefit to you and ease your suffering.

[Shadows Light]

renaissancewoman101

 

Meds do help somewhat.. but they only help in conjunction with a good therapist. What also helps is the "willingness" to change. You have to go into therapy with an open heart and an open mind.

 

I've done the therapy/meds combination a few times... and I did not "LISTEN".. was much like you, kept asking for help but did not, would not take the advice that was given to me or work the solution.

 

As with anything else you have to go into it with the "WILLINGNESS" to want the change and want the help. and that means.. active Listening and work.

[annie24]

They cant understand why I have this slavish attachment to routine although he/she has tried to understand it. Routine is something that I cling to because it helps me feel somewhat in control of my life. If I lose my routines, I tend to feel like my life is out of control and that I am helpless. I also like routines because then I feel safe and secure and that people wont leave me.

 

 

You know, this can be turned around into a really good thing. For example, find a job that you like, and that can be your routine. And volunteer at an animal shelter on saturday mornings. You can come up with a routine that is safe and healthy, one that you are getting more out of and that is enriching your life.

[renaissancewoman101]

No, me drinking last night was a stupid thing. I got a bit carried away over one glass of hard cider and made a fool out of myself to my friend.

 

I WANT to change, I really do, because as I see it, the way I am now is not going to endear me to anybody. Also, I am living in a "prison" of my own making. When I was living in Milwaukee, I had a routine going of work, school, etc., which was fine and dandy for me. I never really wanted to leave that routine, that was why I never went and found a better job for myself. I had a somewhat dead-end job that paid well (but I got no challenge or intellectual satisfaction from it) but it was part of my routine that I did not want to get rid of, so I stuck it out. Moving away really upset my life and I am still trying to recover from that, even though I have been out here for almost half a year.

 

As for my friend, they were really understanding I think. I sent them an email this morning apologizing for my transgressions and they told me that we would work things out.

 

Maybe if I went into therapy, it would help me to solve my problems without endangering my friendships.

 

One thing I AM AFRAID of, in terms of therapy, is that it is going to force me to face some of my issues (emotional and personal) that I have spent my whole life avoiding. Yes, I am afraid to face who I REALLY am, so I spent most of my life trying to avoid MYSELF.

 

But, I need to get some better way of coping with things than what I am doing right now. I really do.

[annie24]

well, part of the reason you moved was so you could get a fresh start, no? it wasn't just going to *happen* the second your feet touched california ground. it takes a lot of internal work to get there.

 

have you considered getting additional training/schooling for a job you would find interesting?

[nottoogreen]

One thing I AM AFRAID of, in terms of therapy, is that it is going to force me to face some of my issues (emotional and personal) that I have spent my whole life avoiding. Yes, I am afraid to face who I REALLY am, so I spent most of my life trying to avoid MYSELF.

This is very good, you see it as it is.

 

Analogy: It's like riding a bicycle at night when some hungry stray dogs come after one. Run and try to outrun them or turn around and chase them away and be safe.

 

Do not be afraid, fight, you get there a little bit every day.

 

And I really like you to have a job, the routine of work and cash coming in will be so good for your self esteem.

[annie24]

Maybe if I went into therapy, it would help me to solve my problems without endangering my friendships.

 

One thing I AM AFRAID of, in terms of therapy, is that it is going to force me to face some of my issues (emotional and personal) that I have spent my whole life avoiding. Yes, I am afraid to face who I REALLY am, so I spent most of my life trying to avoid MYSELF.

 

yes, this is what you have to do. face yourself.

 

it's like in yoga class, the instructor always says, if a pose is difficult for you, resist the urge to skip it. It means that is the pose your body most needs, and you need to work on those areas.

 

don't alienate your friends by turning them into your therapists. go to a therapist. friends can help, but they are people too, with their own issues, and they can only absorb so much negativity before they take off.

[Shadows Light]

One thing I AM AFRAID of, in terms of therapy, is that it is going to force me to face some of my issues (emotional and personal) that I have spent my whole life avoiding. Yes, I am afraid to face who I REALLY am, so I spent most of my life trying to avoid MYSELF.

 

 

And THAT... is what may be at the CORE of all your anxiety. We are all afraid of looking at the mirror...but sometimes for growth to occur.. we have to face ourselves first and be RIGHT with ourselves before we can face the world.

 

See... you can pinpoint your fear... THAT is half the battle. Now all you need is to work with a good therapist and find a good game plan on how to "face your demons head on".

 

As I recall.. you were quite excited about your move. And you looked at it with some excitement and wanted to "embrace" the change. But it wasn't just the "MOVE" to a new local and a new job that you needed, was it????? its more. Your issues will follow you where ever you go unless you learn to face them. Own up to them.

 

I know its a scary proposition... and it takes bravery and courage to do it. But LOOK at how much courage and bravery you had to uproot and to MOVE... there are tonz of people who could never accomplish that feat.. and you did it !!!!! You can do this to... take it one step at a time. Baby steps. Pick up that phone and make an appointment. And then just take small steps toward your goal.

[Shadows Light]

Renaisance....

 

I have a good friend who I love very much. They would also benefit from going to counseling and embracing it. They are sapping my energy by using me as an emotional life raft, as I've my own emotional goop to work through.

 

Go to counseling and work your issues with a trained professional. You will have learned to LIVE a fuller and happier life for it.

[nottoogreen]

Inspiring thoughts on depression

Perhaps depression, anger and disappointment are inevitably always going to occur together. I think I recall reading a proverb/saying somewhere - "Depression is just anger turned inwards".

 

I have started to notice that I get what I term "inner announcements" when I feel desperate, and can't quite pin my feelings down to one specific cause. They feel like very animated thoughts, and straightforwardly tell me what I'm feeling.

... old 70's lame-o self help book... You're not angry and tired bc you are depressed.

You're depressed bc you are angry and tired.

I was like 'eh, shut up book'. Then I thought 'maybe that is as true as anything'...

Nobody IS gonna help you, chief. Sorry. You're gonna have to help yourself.

 

All right, look. I'm very sorry about your PROBLEMS. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to get through. But I need you to stop and look at the recurring themes here: You say your friends don't want to help you, and you say no one is willing to help you. Well... are YOU willing to help you?

 

I'm not saying you can't rely on people sometimes. At times, you need people to just be there, to be a shoulder to cry on, or at the very least, a sounding board from which you can hear all your thoughts aloud. But, this problem that you're having is YOUR problem, not theirs. Sounds harsh, I know. And I'm certainly not telling you to shut it all up inside, cause that'll just lead somewhere bad. But you can't expect other people to solve your problems for you.

 

... clearly, you can't just "get better," like you can turn depression on and off as easily as one would flick a lightswitch. ...

 

You wanna get angry, drunk and violent? Fine. Is it making you feel any better in the long-run? No, I didn't think so. So stop it. All I can really recommend is that you try not to dwell on the bad things in your life, focus on the good, and change your life so that you can try and be happy again. And the next time you feel like getting in a fight, try directing that energy into a fight to LIVE.

[DN]

One thing I AM AFRAID of, in terms of therapy, is that it is going to force me to face some of my issues (emotional and personal) that I have spent my whole life avoiding. Yes, I am afraid to face who I REALLY am, so I spent most of my life trying to avoid MYSELF.

 

You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. Franklin Delano Roosevelt

[arwen]

Elizabeth Wutzel (author of Prozac Nation) described a session with her therapist when she was in rehab. I have read that passage like 1000 times. It's about how fear is a reaction, not a feeling. It's a way to avoid feeling in the first place. It's a coping mechanism. As are your 'routines'. It's good for a human being to have some regularity in life, but I think it's worrisome if the routine starts to have a meaning of its own. There is nothing wrong with being in therapist. It can be difficult to open yourself up for help, but you know deep inside that this HAS to change. We all care about you, and you can always talk about therapy and issues here.

 

I have been through different kinds of therapists, periods I took meds, etc. I can look at things in two perspectives. The first is that I have relapses and the same problem comes back over and over again. Then I'd deny the use of therapy. The second is that every time, I learn new things and develop better tools to handle feelings of anxiety and depression. Sometimes I think about Dr. Phil lol, when he says "So how is THAT working for ya?" Very matter of factly- this way of living, this way of dealing with friends, it's not working so you need to find another way. It's difficult, because even if anxiety is a very nasty thing, it's a safe thing, and the routine is something you are used to. Changing means to really look outside the box and willingness to give up things that come from fear.

 

I hope you will work things out,

 

Take care,

 

Ilse