Are there any ex-abusers here?

[blindreepr]

A majority of the people posting in this forum seem to be people who have been or are being abused. What I don't see are many people posting that used to be abusers but changed their ways.

 

In my last relationship, the one I have been posting about in the Getting Back Together forums, I was for atleast half the relationship, an abuser. Sadly I had terrible anger issues. While I never struck or physically injured her in anyway I was extremely verbally abusive. I felt like I couldn't help it, I knew it when I was doing it, and I would think to myself, why am I doing this? She is crying and I am hurting the one I love, but I would continue to do it.

 

Then one day she had enough, she told me that she was ashamed to be with me and couldn't take it anymore. I was crushed, and there was nothing I could do because I knew it was my fault. It was then that I made a decision to change, not only for her, but especially for myself. I came to the realization that if I didn't change now I would either be like this for the rest of my life or that I would be lonely for the rest of my life. I didn't want either of those two things.

 

Among other things, I started going to counseling. And after 3-4 months I was happy to say that I was in a MUCH better place than I was before I started counseling. The next time me and my ex got into an argument, I stopped myself before doing anything stupid and I went to my parents house to sleep. The next couple of disagreements we had I tried my hardest to see things from her point of view and did not allow myself to verbally abuse her at all.

 

My friends, my family and my ex could all see the changes that I made with myself, for myself and are still proud of me. It was not an easy process at all, but the only way an abuser will change is if he/she decides to change, for themselves, not for anyone else. The support of others will definitely help though.

 

Sadly my ex dumped me about 6 weeks ago, but I am glad to say that it wasn't because of me being abusive.

 

If someone really loves you, they will change. But don't give them too many chances.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to see perspective from the other side of the fence, and to see someone who truly wants to change the way he behaves in a relationship and who has taken the steps to make those positive changes.

 

We have had a few self admitted abusers on the forum, one that sticks out in particular is SorryJason, he was really trying to reform but also struggling. He hasn't posted in awhile, I often wonder what become of him.

 

 

[itsallgrand]

I will stand proudly on this thread. I am an ex-abuser. I have posted about it.

I too would love to hear back from SorryJason. It takes courage to admit we have made such painful mistakes. It is especially difficult, I feel, when we are the abuser. By the choices we made, we set ourselves up to receive little comfort from the world. Barbed Wire is how I feel it.

 

I think it is important for people to hear it 'from the other side of the fence' and to know: it is not hopeless. If you currently abuse, or have in the past - please know you are not evil. You are worth the energy invested to get well and learn new ways to deal with the pain inside. You are worth something. You deserve love and kindness.

And of course, your loved ones deserve to get the chance to love you too. And they deserve peace.

 

Abuse is so isolating. Whether you are on the receiving end or giving end. Unfortunately, I am one amongst many who know each end personally.

A person misses out on so much! I have come to realize that those in the cycle of abuse are almost all people in immense pain.

Some do change, some do not. It is an individual decision and path with a lot of challenges. All deserve compassion.

And compassion can take so many forms: sometimes, leaving a situation and person to stand with their own choices is the ultimately compassionate act. It is not easy to do.

 

I especially wanted to post here for any girl or woman who may be abusing, or has abused, or is being abused. And for the boys and men who are or have suffered abuse from women in particular.

Women can and do abuse. It is no less horrible. You have nothing to be ashamed about. It is not your fault.

 

I'm proud of you, blindreepr. It is a good sign of your progress that you can claim your mistakes openly. It is not easy to do. I hear too few talking about it from this end.

 

Thank you.

[yeawutever]

Yea, words can and do hurt a lot more than actually hitting someone, that is what usually ends up scaring people for life. It's a good news you're getting help and that you're learning from it b/c if not, it could have easily gone into physical one of these days. Yes, there were a few post on abusers, think it was two of them.

 

[voltaire]

Yes I'm another ex-idiot. I was violent to my first wife. She would have tried the patience of a saint but there was absolutely no excuse for my behaviour. My parents were also violent, particularly my father. Not only did I think violence was normal I also had no idea how much I frightened my ex wife. When my father was angry I had to stand and just take it, I was not allowed to dodge or duck or try to escape, this would have made it worse. My mother left him for years when I was a baby (I suspect for the same reason) and I didn't live with him until I was four, and the violence started instantly. The first time he knocked me to the ground so hard that my face, chin, forehead, hand and knees were all spouting blood. On subsequent occasions he knocked me out (first time I'd have been about six) and when I was seven I had to be taken to hospital to get my head stitched up. It was only gradually that I realised that I was an unhappy violent person like him, and I got it under control in my 30s. Playing rugby helped! There was enough violence on the field to satisfy anyone.

[journalstar4]

Unfortunately I was the loser and wished I had known this in advance instead of making excuses or blaming him for almost everything.

[Scout]

This is a brave thread to post, and I commend everyone who is participating on it. I'm going to take a deep breath here, and join you...

 

I too used to be verbally and sometimes physically violent in one of my past relationships. It was a very twisted cycle. He was a cheater (although I could never definitively prove it), and very emotionally abusive. We just pushed all the wrong buttons in each other, and I am ashamed to say that sometimes I snapped in the middle of our fights. One time, the neighbors called the cops because we were screaming so loudly at each other. I had found about three phone numbers for girls in his wallet. It was about the fifth time I had found such a thing. You have to wonder why he kept leaving his wallet out on the coffee table when he would take a shower, since we went through this repeatedly. I honestly think he enjoyed upsetting me, but that's no excuse for me to have reacted the way I did or to stay in the relationship.

 

He told me once, "If a man ever hits a woman, he doesn't love her. But when a woman hits a man, that means she loves him."

 

Anyway, this relationship was about nine years ago...and I've always felt ashamed for my behavior. Here's something very bizarre that happened recently. I hadn't talked to him since we broke up, again, that was about nine years ago. A month ago, I got an email from him, totally out of the blue, saying he had some childhood pictures of me, and wondered if I wanted them back as they probably had sentimental value. I emailed him back my address, but that was about it. I've never been able to entirely put out of my mind how I got physically violent with him sometimes, and have wondered if I should write him an email apologizing for it. I just don't know. It would be a very hard email for me to write, because, at heart, I know he was also a very cruel person to me (the same guy I reference in another thread who threatened to put a picture of me half-naked out on the Internet), and just even resuming a dialogue in any way, shape or form with him fills me with dread.

[winter_light]

thanks, blindreepr, for starting this thread. thanks to everyone who's posted. i realize no one's posted on it for a while but it is exactly where i need to be this morning. i'm currently struggling with this from both sides of the fence. i posted a thread in relationship conflicts about the situation i'm currently in and trying to get out of. it means a tremendous amount to read other what women have written about being abusive. i'm having a hard time dealing with how ashamed i feel and how alone. i don't feel i can share this with anyone in my life without being condemned.

 

i know i've been emotionally abusive in this relationship (the one that is currently ending) as well as physically: shoving and grabbing my bf aggressively, shaking him sometimes when he would come home drunk and pass out on the couch. his drinking was some kind of huge trigger for me; i haven't felt this angry in years, not since i was a little helpless kid angry at my parents and directed all my anger at myself.

 

ironically my relationship before this one had been tremendously abusive, though in that case the abuser was my bf at the time. i didn't even know what was going on until i started reading sites like drirene.com and books about abuse. only then did i muster enough strength to slowly get myself out of the relationship, which lasted for about 2 years. he was abusive in lots of ways, though i think his actions were motivated mostly by desperation and a lack of self-control (though near the end i began to wonder if he was sociopathic or maybe just off-balance somehow): he threatened me, called me names, accused me of cheating, attacked my friends, invaded my privacy (reading my diary and other personal things), threatened to kill himself if i left, blocked my way in and out of my apartment, monitored my phone calls, lied to me, said demeaning things about me to my face (and behind my back, i later found out), bullied me about sex, interrogated me at length about any male i spoke to... and the whole time i went along, sometimes even thinking i enjoyed the humiliation, probably in order to survive it.

 

i lost a great deal of self-respect. i lost a lot of faith in my ability to trust people and to judge their characters correctly. when it ended i changed my phone # and stopped talking to most of my friends because i felt too ashamed. i was in therapy. i've been in therapy since that ended and still am. i met the bf i'm currently breaking up with several months after that all ended. it was probably too soon. i thought the new bf wanted to be there for me, but later he told me he resented me working through all that stuff. he found it too overwhelming. fair enough. i wish he had brought it up with me more clearly at the time.

 

i have never been so angry at a person before as i am with this (currently-breaking-up-with) bf. he says he feels like i'm his punching bag for all my pent-up anger. he may be right. it's good that it's ending but the process is hell. i regret losing him in this way. the reasons for my anger are valid and many, but i should have left him the first time i felt unable to handle it. instead i've subjected him to so much screaming and yelling and rage that i know whatever kindness i once got from him (and grew to be dependent on), is gone. at one point in time i would have called him my true best friend. i feel like all we have in common now is dislike for one another.

 

Scout, as for what you said about whether to resume a dialogue with your ex or not--you have probably long ago made a decision, but i just wanted to support you listening to your gut intuition. if apologizing to this guy will make you vulnerable to his cruelty further, it's not worth it. that's part of the knot i've got myself in with this bf and the one before: as soon as i feel guilty (justifiably) and apologize, each would jump on my apology as some sort of proof of how much i sucked. which sucked. though i probably do the same thing.

 

take good care.

[iamtheone]

*hands up*

i did what other people did to me

except i did it worse

i wanted someone to say its not acceptable and that it wasnt when it was done to me either

im a woman

no one seems to take me seriously, they think who hasnt slapped their SO..my doctor laughed..

i took out my depression and anger on him

then eventually i left, i had to, we were self destructing

i used to hit my ex and want him to hit me back, i deserved it for hitting him in the first place. eventually he hit me back harder to try and discourage me, but then i would hit him when i wanted to be hit back as i felt worthless.

but the reasons i hit him was because i felt so out of control with myself

are there any books i can read about this? to help myself?

[Scout]

but the reasons i hit him was because i felt so out of control with myself

are there any books i can read about this? to help myself?

 

iamtheone, sorry you got laughed at by your doctor. It must have taken a lot of courage for you to come to your doctor with this problem and to have it laughed off like that...well...I can only imagine how frustrating that was.

 

I've asked some folks if they can recommend some books or strategies to better manage anger. Hopefully, we'll get some more feedback on this thread about that.

 

Again, I commend all of you for posting here. It's not an easy thing to admit. I guess the scarcity of posters on here sort of shows that.

[DN]

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